Succesfull relationship, but his parents hate me. Could this work?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Are there any?

See my SO, whom I’ve been very serious with for about a year now, parents hate me. Things are looking like they might advance into the next step, quicky. I love him with all my heart, but his family rejects me like I’m the plagure. I was raised middle class, and his family has quite a bit more money than mine. We’ve been close firends for years, and his parents were fine with that, untill we started dating. They never really liked me, but now they won’t even tolerate me and it’s gotten to be quite an issue.

I’ve ignored it for the most part, just delt with it as an inconvience. But now, I’m having second thoughts.

So I was wondering… any one out there have a successful relationship/marriange where your SO’s parents do not like you?

Any thoughts on my situtation??

In your opinion, should I end it and start dealing with the pain, or should I pursue this further??

God, I really love him.

2

Haven’t been in the situation myself, but the big question is how much is he willing to go to bat for you against his family. If he’s willing to defend you by any means possible, that will help get his parents to accept the situation and grudgingly accept you as well (particularly if you let him know when his parents are abusing you). Even so, best be prepared for the bumps in the road.

If he would rather stand aside and let you and the parents work it out, forget it.

3

I’ve never had to deal with my SO’s parents disliking me, so I’m afraid I can’t offer any first-hand knowledge. There have been several threads about this in the past that might be helpful. :slight_smile: But I would think that the success of your relationship depends on how your SO reacts to the situation - has he talked to his parents about their behaviour, or does he make excuses for them? Does he let them say anything they want, or does he stick up for you? If he

It’s awful that they don’t like you - especially since it’s for such a superficial reason. If you and your SO are committed to the relationship, then I can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t work out.

The best of luck to you both.

4

I can work but you need the committment of your SO. and that means your SO will have to be willing to go so far as to be disowned (usually doesn’t happen, but find out first if he’s willing to pay the price).

Each relationship and family dynamic is different. Certainly there are both success and horror stories. Good luck!

5

It sounds like you got a good guy there, but let me be the first to say his parents are assholes! how fuckn’ dare they? They should at the very least respect their sons decision of who he wants to be with. And I’m not even goin to get into the fact of who are they to judge?

Just make sure your guy backs you up completely. MY guess is you should be able to bitch slap these jokers into submision in no time.

Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but that just rubed me the wrong way.:mad:

6

If you two marry it might not be a bad idea to put some serious distance between you and the in-law’s … say 1500 miles or so?

7

They are potential In-Laws. They’re not really supposed to like you. It would be very foolish to end it because of THAT, IMHO.

You’ve heard the joke “Behind every successful man, there’s and amazed mother-in-law”? The only woman they would ever like for their little boy is probably a tight-ass wench he wouldn’t be able to stand.

Stick with the boy. The folks’ll get used you. If they don’t, you could have fun torturing them with your presence. :smiley:

8

I certainly hope so. I’ll echo the other posters in saying that if he’s willing to put you before his parents, then yes, it can work out. Sometimes it takes the threat of being cut off from their children before some parents see reason. If you have given them no real reason to dislike you, then they’re going to have to suffer the consequences of their idiocy.

My boyfriend’s mother disapproves of me. She says she likes me personally, but because I am agnostic and have a child out of wedlock from a prior relationship, she cannot approve of my relationship with her son. He has made it clear to her that if she doesn’t keep her opinion to herself and it causes a rift in his and my relationship, he will not speak to her. I know he means it, too. I hate that it had to come to that – I tried to win her over, I really did.

If they can’t see that you’re a good person, then it’s their loss. It sounds like a platitude, but it’s really a simple truth.

9

ClarificC, I have a couple of friends who were in a similar situation. She’s not just upper class, but high society upper class; he’s just a hick from the backwoods of Pennsylvania. They celebrated their 26th anniversary last month, and have one of the best marriages it’s been my privilege to witness. I get the impression her parents still can’t see what she sees in him. They’ve been through some incredibly rough times, but their love for each other and their determination to work hard at things when necessary has gotten them through. They, like you, were also good friends first.

If you’re both willing to do what it takes, go for it, and good luck.
CJ

10

I’m good with dads. Dads dig me.

Moms . . . not so much. :frowning:

I of course echo the sentiments of those here who say that it can certainly work if your fella’s willing to go to bat for you.

However, I’d also like to add that a great deal of this depends on you as well. Can you deal with it if your SO’s parents never come around (which, IMO, would mean they’re total assholes, but it could happen), and still don’t like you 25, 30, 40 years from now? Will your feelings change if you have children?

Coming from a very, well… family-oriented family, I am the kind of person who feels like the in-laws come WITH the marriage, and so would consider them to be my family as well. Therefore, it would be extremely important to me to get along with them.

I don’t know that I’d sacrifice a “God, I really love him” relationship over the whole thing, but it would be a BIG!!! issue for me, whereas for other people it wouldn’t be, as long as the primary relationship (you & your SO) was stable.

So all I’m saying is that in addition to figuring out where HE stands on the issue, you should figure out where YOU stand, and whether or not you can deal with the fact that things may never change.

Best of luck to you!

11

I know he’s fighting for me, but in all truth… I’m scared to ask if he’s willing to sacrifice it all. I’ve thought about asking, but being the scered chicken I am, never have. I guess it’s only mine to loose.

My parents and family love him, and that makes the situtaion much easier to bear. His family means a lot to him, and thats the most difficult part. I hate watching the divison between him and his family this has caused, and even almost half feel guilty for it. It’s so sad that they’ve reacted this way. I hope he dosn’t give up, maybe sometime they’ll atleast aknowledge me. I just REALLY hate the rift in our relationship this has caused.

In all reality, I could live with them hating me. But I’m not sure he could. It’d be nice if they even accepted the situtation… they wouldn’t even have to like me. Just aknowlegde that I’m there, and a important part of his life. My parents could more than make up for the grandparents our prospective children would have, and he’d always have family with my family. I guess my big step now is to ask if he’d go all the way for me.

Wish me luck… I’ll keep you updated.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

12

Ooh, I don’t know about that…

Seriously, when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family, for better or worse. I have a hella bad relationship with my MIL (just because she’s a manipulative overbearing bitch doesn’t mean she’s not a nice person, I guess…) and it’s very, very difficult. If my husband and I were ever to divorce, she would be a major part of it.

Unfortunately, hateful parents can do tons of damage to an otherwise great relationship. If the relationship is really that frosty, my only advice is this- make sure you REALLY love this guy, and that he really loves you, bacuse the going could get very rough.

13

like everyone has said, it all depends on where your guy stands.

personally my partners parents dont lke me, they suspect but have never really been told that im the reason his marriage failed. so i guess they have some valid-ish point seeing as they adored the ex wife.

it helps that my partner doesnt really have much interest in his own family, and was willing to move to the oppisite side of the globe from them so the only contact we have to have is phone calls for christmas and birthdays.

ok so not every guy is willing to do that, but he should be able to arrange less and less contact between you and the parents…people always look more bearable if you never have to see them.

14

Well, in my house, we have her parents, who “don’t know” about our relationship (in quotation marks because if that’s true, they’re too dense to produce a smart lady like my LO. We’ve lived together for nine years, and they DO know that. At this point, we both assume this is something they would just rather pretend they don’t know.), and my parents, who have known for almost all of those nine years, and who are determinedly inclusive. We get invited over every weekend. And major holiday. And minor holiday. And foreign holiday (“Let’s all have a barbeque to celebrate Victoria Day!”). We could eat at my mother’s house every night for the rest of our lives if we were so inclined.

Here’s the thing: I love my parents dearly. But if your in-laws hate you, you will have WAY more time on the weekends.

OK, smartass stuff aside. The other posters here are right - it all depends on your SO’s attitude. Some people are just not ready to cope with family hostility or the things that go with it. And you don’t need to ask your boyfriend if he’s willing to put it all on the line for your relationship - just watch him. Does he defend you or them? If it’s you, he’s chosen you. If it’s them, it’s time to say goodbye.

Actually, let me take a tiny part of that back. Some of this also depends on you. You have to be willing to accept that, ten or fifteen years down the road, your choices may consist of:

  1. Staying at home (with the kids, if there are any) while your husband attends Important Family Occasions alone
  2. Going with your husband to Important Family Occasions and enduring the inevitable tension, hostility, and outright misery that might entail, not to mention inflicting them on your kids, if there are any
  3. Staying home from said IFOs and telling your husband it’s all right, but not actually being all right with it, so you always end up starting a fight after he comes back, which is a charming way to celebrate festive occasions, weddings, and funerals

I used to go with option three. Eight years ago. Two holidays into it, I realized that a) I was creating unnecessary tension and unhappiness and b) I wouldn’t spend every holiday alone for the rest of my life just because I spent two hours alone during one this year. (And I haven’t, let me add, spent any alone for any length of time at all since I stopped making a fuss about it.)

Now I go with option 1 and consider I’m well out of the IFOs. We have enough family joy with just my side, given my mother’s penchant for declaring an IFO to commemorate such things as a new shrub, the anniversary of a minor outpatient medical procedure, or a local Water Board election.

To sum: it can work. If he wants it to enough, and you want it to enough. And you already know, or at least can easily find out, if both those things are true.

15

“They’re not really supposed to like you.”

Yep, although I rarely experience that myself.

I wonder what it is they do that gives you that impression ClairificC?

16

hmm, what they do that gives me the impression that they hate me, the list is long. It started back in Novemeber when he broke the news to them that we were dating. After about a week. He was given an ultimatem. You are not allowed to speak or see that girl, and be accepted in our family. Initally there was a big upset over what to do, how to deal with this. I took a place in the sidelines. You see around that time, my dad was diagnosed with fourth stage agressive large sell lymphoma caner. I had more than ebough to deal with, and had no energy to fight this out with his parents. I went back home to deal with my family.
About a week later he shows up, “I love you… my parents aren’t budging… I’m here for you”

About a month passes and the fight between him and his parents continue, I start to hear the reasons behind the ultimatem. My home life is screwed up, I don’t eat, I’m not trustworthy (because she asked me to stay away from her son and I didn’t) I’m too needy and finally… my family isn’t good enough. She called me and told me (exact words) ‘you are not to be with him’.

So as of now… he just dosn’t mention me. Every month or so, somthing happens… like they find my number on their phone bill, talk to friends who saw us togother. And the arguments start all over again. This has been going on for so long, and has caused so many tears.

As of now, between us. Things are wonderful, We had a great day yestarday and he is still fighting for me. I am going to have surgery in a week and he’s going to stay and be with me for the first few days. I pray his family will work things out.

17

I never belived the “you’re marrying his family” bit until I did it at age 20. I married a full blooded Italian and his family freaking HATED every fiber of my being because:

1- I wasn’t Italian

2- I wasn’t Catholic

3- I wasn’t a bigot

Things were very, very difficult. I got in fights with them constantly for their snide comments, their bigoted attitudes, and they’re pitting us against each other. He was afraid to stand up to them and I wouldn’t put up with the abuse.

It ended, in no small part because he simply could not tell them “Stop treating my wife like this”.

So it all boils down to how HE gets along with his parents more then how you do. If he’s going to allow them to make rude comments to you or interfere in your relationship, it’s trouble. If he is willing to say basically “It’s us or neither of us”, it could work.

Zette

18

Amen, Zette. Your SO would stick up for you if his friends or co-workers insulted you, wouldn’t he? Why should he allow his parents to treat you in such a lousy fashion? Try getting him to practice saying this in front of the mirror: “Mother, I am an adult. You may not like ClairificC. But if you value my relationship with you, you will be respectful to her and about her.” Just not mentioning you seems cowardly at best.

Frankly, if he values his relationship with his parents more than his relationship with you, that’s his prerogative. But it’s good to find that out now, so you can decide how to proceed.

19

So let me get this straight ClarificC. You guys have been serious for about a year. He “broke the news” that you were dating 7 or 8 months ago. So he hid this serioius relationship from his parents for 4 or 5 months. He now just doesn’t mention you to them, because it’s easier that way. That doesn’t really sound like fighting for you to me. It also doesn’t really sound to me like he’s all that into letting the world know you’re together, and if he’s not willing to do any better than that by you, there’s no way you guys can weather 30 years of conflict with his parents.

One of my best friends got into some sort of stink with her SIL and was thus personna non grata at the in-laws family stuff, so her hubby didn’t go either. When they all whined that they never saw him anymore, he simply told them that he wasn’t going anywhere a member of his family wasn’t welcome. They took the point and are least civil now. Married people are each other’s families, just as much as blood relatives are family. If he’s not going to treat you as such, you really should not marry this man, because it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work long-term.

20

ClarificC, I would be a little concerned that he’s not upfront with his parents about you. He’s willing to fight for you, he says, but he’s not willing to tell his folks he’s still seeing you and instead lets them stumble over the evidence. I can imagine it’s a tough situation, but he either tells them to back off or not. This little “I’ll hide the proof” from them is a little immature. I hope you guys can work things out. But it sounds like he may not be strong enough to deal with a knock down drag out fight with them over you. You need to be strong, because this going to be a long row to hoe.