So....... should I break it off?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Short story:
Me & him met 5 months ago, he did the I love you fairly quick, but I find I do love him - not a passionate-jump-off-a-cliff kind of love, but a quiet kind of love.
Socially we are opposites - he thinks coming over to watch tv is a big night out, I want us to go out and DO stuff. He was a virtual recluse before we met - working from home and never going out - sad eh? So we are working on that…

We discuss someday ,oving in together - really more of a ‘where are we heading?’ kind of talk.

He tells his parents he tells them everything :rolleyes:
They have a FIT!

They dont approve at all. They want him to have a family the ‘normal way’ (direct quote!) They dont want him stuck raising someone elses children… he should find a nice single girl with no kids… I am just after him for his money… etc.
They want him to break it off with me. They told him if he moves in with me that they wont come around.

Now the SO is crushed, of course… he is very close to his parents. Until 5 months ago, all he did was work, and talk on the phone with his folks. They are into every single aspect of his personal business, and they disapprove of everything.

He seems to be willing to lose his parents for me. great I get to be responsible for a family break up?

What the hell do I do here?

On one hand, he is the kindest man I have ever ment, likes my kids, would be an awesome dad, he adores me.

On the other hand: he loses his family over me, he WILL resent me and the kids, maybe not right away, and maybe not consiously, but he will. If he makes up with them, I get them in our business all the time - fuck THAT! even if we can work it all out, I will never forget what they said.

I really wish he had stood up to them about something before ME, then this wouldnt be my fault. But I cant help but feel like the kindest thing I can do for him is to take this decision away from him.

I just dont think I have the energy required to fight his parents for him.

What would YOU do?

2

Kelli, he’s a grown man. I’d let him make his own decision. It’s not your place to take that away from him. Sure he may have to chose you over his family. What kind of family would set those kinds of limitations. I think that they would find something, no matter what, to find some reason to hold onto him and keep him under their thumb. Don’t give up what you two could have together because you jump in and make his decisions for him. Stand by him no matter what his choice.

3

That’s your answer right there. Just how old is this guy? It doesn’t appear he has a lot of backbone. Remember: it takes more than a nice guy to make a relationship work, especially when there are kids involved. It takes two responsible adults who are at least at ease with what they are, and who are ready to defend it if someones attacks them, like your prospective MIL. Doesn’t sound like this guy has what it takes.

4

Ultress

Thats what I am afraid of.

Coldie

He is 28 ( to my 32) the backbone thing is one of my worries. the inlaws cant meddle if you dont let them. I dont want to be the one who MAKES him grow a spine.

5

Oh, and his mom is the hinting, worried, wringing-the-hands type, his DAD is the overbearing one.

And they KNEW when he met me that I had kids!! WHat the hell did they think was gonna happen??? If they didnt approve, they should have said something right away! If he had told me 2 weeks into this that his parents had a problem with my kids, I would have wished him well and never looked back.

My kids have enough people who dont want them, their own dad, his whole family… they dont need any more.

6

Regarding the parents:
For now, forget them. This is not about them. It’s about you and your relationship with this guy.

This leads me to the 2nd issue:
How would you define where you want to go with this relationship? Do you really want to move in with this guy, or do you want to eventually marry him? Based on your OP, it sounds like you don’t have any long term plans yet with this guy. You need to look at youself and decide what kellibelli really wants out of this, then tell your guy.

However you proceed, you still have to deal with the 3rd issue:
Being a loving and supportive SO means understanding how he communicates and deals with his parents. Understanding that will help you in dealing with them yourself. No matter how you proceed, you will have to deal with them in the long term (However you decided to stay with the guy). For me it helped in dealing with my wife’s parents. They were control freaks, but they play a large part in my wife’s life and I had to understand how her relationship with her mother worked before I was able to deal with her mother myself.

While you are sorting all this out, if there is something you two discuss and you think it will bother his parents, request that he not tell them about it. If he respects and loves you, he’ll keep it quiet until you are BOTH ready to tell.

7

Ms. Belli
Please remember that when you marry someone, you also marry their parents, their freinds, their job and their problems. Keep in mind also, that you are playing dice with your childrens well being. Are you willing to bet on him rebuilding his family power structure to include you guys? That is what it will really take, and I get the impression that he isn’t up to the task.

As an aside I can’t help viewing any women I go out with as a potential step mom for my daughter, this gotten in the way of some fine relationships. (Silly brain, no beer for you.)

8

Well said Walter.

I would be an awesome step mom… where do you live? :slight_smile:

9

North By God Carolina, and Sweet Kid would love to have a virtual step mom… HEY! Are you flirtin’ with me? :smiley:

10

Nahhh…Kelli never flirts…:whispers: ask her about uniforms…and balding guys :wink: )
Sounds like you have made up your mind Kelli and just want to confirm it with the teeming millions. I can see this as a very large potential roadblock for it. You may be able to come to an accomidation with this, but I doubt if he will, so I’m afraid the future isn’t bright for this relationship, unless as you said he grows some backbone and you have already admitted that isn’t something you look forward to doing.

Keith

11

This may be coming from way out in left feild, and feel free to ignore it.

It seems to me that you have been looking for an excuse to dump this guy from day one – first he sucked in bed, then he didn’t go out enough, now his parents don’t like you. Is it possible that what is going on has as much to do with your own insecurities about the relationship as his? My overall impression (and obviously I don’t have access to the big picture) is that you have a certain idea about how relationships are “supposed” to be and this guy is different. YOu have been having trouble thinking of this as a “real” relationship because you are used to being in relationships of an “exciting, mind-blowing orgasm, big emotional upheavals turning into emotional abuse over time” type style. This guy will never be that-he will be steady, and consistient, and there. You can do whatever you want, of course, but might I suggest that for an adult, the type of relationship you are in now has is alot healthier and has alot more staying power. I would go as far as to suggest that you might find it easier to revel in your dramatic ‘go out and do things’ side if you have a steady man at home to take over the details when you want to run off for a weekend or to stay up all night dancing. Both my mother and my grandmother are extremely energetic people, and both of them benefited from having a steady husband to keep life’s little details on an even keel.

Don’t worry about his parents. That is his decision, his choice, and if he needs someone to lean on in order to finally stand up for him, well, that is a good thing to help him do. He will only resent you if you secretly feel he oughta, that this is somehow your fault–if you make it clear from the onset that this is his choice and that you will support him either way, he will understand that. My brother’s wife’s family cut her off when he married her (they are Othodox and rich). They have managed very well. One thing my brother has done has been to never let it be an “me vs. them” thing–he has made it clear that he is willing to be friends if they are, basically distanced himself from the whole thing.

The only thing I would warn you about if falling into the pattern of giving in to his parents because he does. I.E., if they bully you, stand up for yourself, don’t backdown out of concern for his feelings. Don’t be rude, just be firm and consistient. Give him an example to follow. It may be he dosen’t know how to both standup for himself and not be an asshole at the same time.

Lastly, were I a mother and my son were considering spending his life with a woman who already had two kids, yes, I would be concerned. I wouldn’t think it was a bad idea automatically (my mother was a single mother of four when my father married her!) but I would have some long talks with my son to make sure that he had thought these things through, that he understoood that you would always love the boys more than him, that you would have to have a relationship with the boy’s fathers, that kids are expensive and that marrying a woman with children is a much more serious commitment because if it dosen’t work out you may devestate the children and because you may lose access to children you fell in love with. These are all valid concerns. And maybe in the course of those talks I would say something stupid like “What if this means you can never have a family the normal way?” without thinking about how tacky it sounded. Don’t let one comment color your entire relationship with these people–we have all said things thoughtlessly that we would trade our kidneys to unsay.

12

Actually, this is the exact opposite of the way I look at it. I see it that I’m marrying **you **, not your parents. If I happen to get along with them (which I do), great…if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to pretend that I did.
Kelli,

I don’t know what to tell you, my advice would be to just give it time. 5 months doesn’t seem like that long to me. I’d just put the matter aside, and let some time pass. Try to get to know the parents better, but not in a pushy way. If you go to functions with them, don’t go overboard trying to impress them…be yourself. Given time, they may become more adjusted to the idea, and it won’t be as big a deal. I dated my wife for 3 years before we moved in together. And we lived together for a year before we got married. So 5 months isn’t a big deal…take a little more time. Best of luck.

13

I think you need to decide exactly what you want out of this relationship. If you can’t see yourself being with this guy for the rest of your life then maybe you should break it off. You said it’s “not a passionate-jump-off-a-cliff kind of love, but a quiet kind of love.” Is that the kind of love you want and can live with? If not, well… think about it.

As for his parents, f**k 'em. (not literally, of course :wink: ) I would never let a potential mates parents or my own parents get in the way of the relationship if it was a relationship I wanted to be in. They’ll either accept your relationship or they won’t see their son. (and they won’t see their grandchildren either… if you end up marrying this guy) If he can’t stand up to his parents and say, “This is what I want and this is who I want to be with and you’ll either accept it or you won’t be seeing me as much.” than maybe it’s better you aren’t with him. I would rather have my man stand up to his parents and defend me and his love for me instead of letting their disapproval guide his actions. Just my opinion. The best thing to do is follow your heart.

14

Kellibelli, I’ve rowed the same boat. I have one boy from a long-ago relationship (though I have no contact with his bio. father), and have been in two major relationships since his birth. The first one failed after four years because he realized too late that he needed to acknowledge my child’s existence. We lived together (a BIG mistake) for a year and a half.

Now, I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years. Two months ago, we moved in together. Recently, we got in a bit of a tangle because he’s a non-practicing Jew, and I’m an athiest. It was a non-issue until his mother brought it up. So, not only does she not approve of his being involved with a single mother (she has made that clear, particularly with remarks like “Are you sure she’s careful about birth control?”), but she also thinks I should school my son in Judaism (because if we get married he should be raised Jewish). At the time, I saw it as less a religious concern than a power struggle - he and his mom have always been close, and for him to get involved with someone like me (single mom, Jerry-Springer family, no degree, screwed-up relationship history) was quite a shock, I’m sure. But I really didn’t want it to be a me vs. her, and I made sure my SO knew that. The important thing: I know he would side with me in any argument with his mom. Just knowing that’s enough for me. I don’t want it to have to come to that. So I’m willing to bend a little to keep the peace, and it makes us both happier.

So I guess my questions are: have his parents met you? The kids? Do you get along? If they see all the good things in you and your kids that your SO sees, maybe they’ll come around. I mean, if my son got involved with a single mom, I’m sure I’d be somewhat cautious about her intentions too. It’s easy for parents to object to an idea, but once that idea’s made human, things appear different.

Also, has he been in any serious relationships before? Have his parents reacted the same way? If so, then it’s more likely to be a desire for control on their part…

Jeez, this is incoherent rambling. More Coke!

15

Follow my heart. I dont think I have one.

Just to clarify:
They didnt just express doubts, they said: HER or US.
Manda Jo might have a point…
In 5 short months, there has been one thing after another. The sex has only gotten worse (to the point we barely kiss), socially we couldnt be more opposite - I like to talk and socialize, go to movies etc (no dancing all night or partying though) and he prefers to never leave the house. He is super frugal, always says he cant afford to go out etc, I say if the day comes I cant afford a movie, take me out and kill me.

There is other stuff too, none of it important here, but the pattern is: I find something to be concerned about, fret about it, talk to him about it, we compromise and go on.

A good friend of mine just left. We talked and she gently told me I was trying to find an ‘out’. She said I was trying to ‘settle’ and that my head was saying KEEP HIM, and my heart was saying RUN!

I think she nailed it.

In my mental checklist, he is everything I ever wanted (well, almost) but while I really care for him… I just dont love him enough to do this.

Fuck, he is as close to perfect as you can find (except for the parents and the spine and being cheap etc) and I SHOULD be wildly in love with him!!!

If I am brutally honest I feel more friend-love towards him…I think thats why the sex is so repulsive.

I think if you really love someone enough, you can work anything out. I just dont know if I am capable of that kind of love anymore :frowning:

16

Gundy

I have met them and I really liked them, they SAID they liked me… they asked when we were coming up to their place (three hrs north) and asked /told me to bring the boys. Two faced fuckers!

He had one other short relationship with a nice young single girl who still lived at home - his folks were thrilled.

They didnt express their fears about me & him till after I met them.
I think I really need to just focus on the kids and myself and forget about relationships etc until the boys are grown. This blending families shit is impossible. I will never find anyone good enough for them that I can stand too.

I give up.

17

Everything Manda JO said, plus this:

Why not talk to him honestly about how you feel? If you’re actually considering breaking up with him over this one (IMHO small) issue, then you have nothing to lose by being blatently honest.

As for why I think this is a small issue, everyone goes through this kind of stuff with their ILs. That’s a parent’s job, to protect their children. Can you really blame them for trying to protect him and his feelings?

However, there comes a time when parents need to be reminded that their children are adults. They’re not going to teach him anything new in the way of the world and it’s time for them to set him free to learn for himself. It’s super easy to do, takes just one question (generally) to shut them up…

“Do you feel that you’ve done such a poor job raising me that I’m not able to make my own decisions?”

:smiley:

They can’t say yes.

Lastly, I believe it’s hard for some people to come to the realization that when they get married and have/get children that those people become your immediate family. You spend most of your life saying that your “immediate family” is your parents and siblings, yet when you have a spouse and children THEY become your “immediate family”, and your first job is to protect that. Make sure he understands that, because it’s very important that he sees it that way.

Aside: My husband didn’t get it at first. We bought a computer for his Grandfather’s 80th birthday that was supposed to be from all the grandkids. At the party, he went around and had everyone sign the card (plus he signed it for our infant daughter) yet he neglected to even consider putting my name on it.

I was profoundly hurt by that and told him so a week later when I was able to express myself calmly. He replied that he honestly hadn’t even thought of it and that I wasn’t really part of the family anyway. :eek:

I said, "But WE’RE a family!

The look of pure shock on his face as he got it, really GOT IT, was amazing. It was a huge turning point in our relationship and in his relationship with his parents. He understood what their feelings were, but also understood that they were now secondary to HIS family.

Anyway. Good luck and don’t throw away something good just because his parents are overbearing. He sound like he’s trying to do the right thing, let him.

18

Are you seriously considering a permanent relationship with someone you hardly even kiss, much less have sex with? That will not make for a healthy relationship. Sex isn’t everything, but it is an important thing. This should be a major warning sign…

From everything you’ve said, this guy does not sound like a good candidate for the guy you should spend the rest of your life with. A 28 year old guy who’s had “one other short relationship” and is never interested in leaving the house or taking you out to have fun sounds to me (a 29 year old guy who takes his wife out whenever he can and wishes they could afford for it to be more often) like a cold fish… and he sounds kinda like the descriptions the serial killer’s neighbors alway give the news people…“Quiet guy, kept to himself a lot. Really good neighbor. I don’t know why he chopped all those people up…”

Kelli, I think you are most definitely settling for what you have instead of looking for what you deserve. If he’s not making you happy now, what makes you think life with him will be worthwhile? Granted I don’t have all the facts, but from what you’ve said, I’m kinda thinking you probably deserve better.

Besides, what kind of influence is a total recluse who lets his parents run over him gonna be to your kids?

19

If the sex is repulsive I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. That’s just me, personally, though. Life’s too short to have bad sex. I’d rather be with someone I didn’t love and have the most fantastic sex of my life than be with someone I loved and the sex be repulsive.

I think that’s just another sign that maybe you should end the relationship!

**

Don’t say that! It’s not impossible. My fiance’s mom was divorced before he was born and his bio-father didn’t want anything to do with him all throughout his childhood (still doesn’t). She met and eventually married the man that my SO considers to be his Dad. They just celebrated their 22nd anniversary last Saturday. So it does work… it just may take awhile to find the right man.

I have two kids and as far as my SO and I are concerned, he is their Dad. Because he comes from a blended family his family has been very accepting of our kids and treat them no differently than they treat their other grandkids. Actually, before my SO and I got together they only had 1 grandson. Then my daughter and son came along and then my SO’s sister got divorced and is now engaged to a man with two boys. So in 1 year they’ve acquired 4 more grandkids and they couldn’t be more thrilled about it!!

You don’t have to stop dating just because you’re a single mother. Just try to find a man to have some fun with. You’ll be able to tell if it’s a relationship worth staying in and if he really cares about you and your kids. Just follow your heart and trust your instincts and you’ll find the man of your dreams. That’s what worked for me!

20

Here is a virtual bucket of cold water. (splash)

OK now,
part of raising kids and taking care of yourself is ** taking care of your self **. Remember that you are also setting the example by which they will run their own lives. Would you want them to be lonely and single because they just gave up? I didn’t think so.

So pull up your socks and get on with havin’ a fun life and being a good mom. They are one in the same, not mutually exclusive. Find yourself a good fella that is fun to wrestle with and can teach your kids jokes. There are plenty of us out there. :smiley: