If this guy can’t stand up to his own parents and tell them to back off, how can he ever be responsible enough to stand up to your children and tell them “no” or help to raise them? He’d probably just say to ask you. He sounds like maybe he’s better off with mommy and daddy and his job. Don’t be sucked into the pit of the spineless people! Get out! Get out!
Hi kelli. I haven’t posted in a long time but this thread hit too close to home…
The exact same situation happened to my mom and stepfather. In 1980, when they got married, “Granny” (SF’s mother) said that she was all for my mom and her two little girls that came along with the package; that is, she was pro-us until they announced their engagement. After the wedding, she told my SF that she would never consider me or my sister her grandchildren, and that my then-soon-to-be-born little brother was her only heir. Sounds like she comes from money, heh? Well, she does.
But the really cool thing about my stepfather is that he takes no shit when it comes to his family, and he considers me and my sis his kids. He told his mother to think about what she was saying and to give us a chance, but she didn’t think she needed to think it over, and so he told her that if she couldn’t accept his family, she couldn’t accept him, and he didn’t want me or sis growing up in constant silence from her. So, they don’t talk to this day, twenty-one years later…and he doesn’t miss her one bit. And he has been cut off from any inheritance, which he could care less about.
I actually didn’t find out about any of this until I was a teenager. The fact that my parents hid it from us for so long made the pain more bearable. You might be saying, “what pain? The bitch doesn’t deserve a family.” But until you are personally rejected like this, you just don’t know how it feels. I will only say this: your kids are the ones to think about in this situation. Would his parents really ignore them or would they just give them the extreme cold-shoulder for the rest of their lives? Neither is good, but not having to endure the passive-aggressiveness is better than the two.
Is he willing to take this kind of stand for love? Are you?
Warning bells! warning bells! They said “Her or us” to him and then he came and told you about it? Even though when you met them they seemed like totally reasonable people? Something stinks, frankly. If you really want to know what’s going on, call his mom. Don’t be angry, be concerned. Say “I want the best for Bob, and I don’t know what that is, and I am hoping you can help me figure things out.” I suspect you may discover that things look very different from thier side of the fence.
I suspect that this is the senario: 1) he wants out of the relationship (maybe he lost his nerve, maybe he wants better sex himself). 2) He is a timid sorta guy so he is not gonna tell you. 3) His parent had questions/doubts about you 4) He inflated that into an ultimatium in order to either bow out gracefuly or (even better) get dumped. He may not even know that he is doing this, but I think you have a serious communication problem here, and the only way to get to the bottom of this is to talk to his parents directly. If yu tell them that you are trying to find out what is best for everybody–him, you, oyur kids, them–they will be honest with you. If i turn out to be right, dump his ass. If I am not, at least you will know what is going on.
Disregard all I said earlier (I made breakfast in the middle of my post and didn’t preview, bad me!). If you think the sex is repulsive you should dump him.
Don’t stay in it because you feel you SHOULD love him. If you don’t feel it now, it’s never going to be there. Best to get out while the damage is still minimal.
Sophie
This may sound funny coming from an atheist, but you’ve got the coolest stepfather since Joseph!
I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere, from what we know it doesn’t sound like it anyway.
The only thing that matters is that your happy.
It sounds to me like some of the “basic needs” for you, are you need passionate love to keep things on the
“up’ide up” so to say, and you’ll also need someone that can love your kids as if they were their own. And they also need to be a strong person. right? Well this guy only mets 1/3 of your needs. Of coarse this is only my opinion, and I don’t know the whole situation. All though if you do decide to break it off (listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do) but if you do break it off with him tell him his faults in a supportive way, so he can
“selfimprove” (don’t mention the sex part though) Do him a favor and let him know that he is his own person and can make choices that are best for him and not his parents.
If you do stay with him though, as far as the whole parent thing goes don’t step back and give them an inch, but at the same time don’t try to step on them either. Just stand your ground.
of coarse this is just my opinion
be yourself and remember nothing else matters unless your happy.
The guy is not going to change—his parents will dominate him as long as they live.
Drop the guy like a hot rock.
Let him hit the ground like a safe.
If he hasn’t got the Grapefruits to stand up for what he wants now, he never will. He sounds like he’s not ready for a relationship.
Peace,
J