Advice about my Babies Dad

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, kinda:o nervous posting here… but really need some straight talk…

My boyfriend (who I love dearly) we broke up about 2 years ago. We have two kids. We broke up because of his drinking problem. I moved three hours away and I havent seen him since the move.

He hasnt visited and child support is non-existent. :mad:

ANYWAY, fast forward to the pass couple months, he calls every single day and tells me he wants us to be together and be a family. He wants to get married and he wants everything to go back to how it used to be… We talk about us getting back together every day and how great everything in our relationship used to be (sex, friendship, communication, etc) . He says he misses me and loves me. He calls me every day and even if he has to sneak he makes sure to talk to me.

THE PROBLEM— he finally confessed to living with his new girlfriend and her children. He says he never has extra money for our kids because he has to pay rent, bills, etc at his girlfriends home. One of our kids just had a bday, and he didnt send a gift, card… no Christmas gift, nothing…but he tells me about the gifts he gets for his girl friends kids. His own kids havent received anything from him , monetary or otherwise in 2 years.

He tells me he wants me to be his wife. He says he loves how we are best friends now and our relationship is so open and honest.We discuss his problems and talk about the day when we will be together again…BUT he still isnt helping with our kids,he says he will but just cant right now, even though he works and makes good money…Also, he says he cant break up with his girlfriend because he is content with her and would hate to hurt her feelings… but he says he loves me the most.

I love him so much but I feel like a huge FOOL:(… and I dont wanna get strung along any further. I feel like my kids deserve to be first versus now when they arent getting anything from him. When I try to break it off he calls me insanely and Im just at a loss. :confused:

He is the only person I have children with and its hard to let it go… but I dont wanna be stupid either or be some side piece:smack:…:smack:

Can I get him to do right by me & our kids?? It kills me that he is taking care of his girlfriends children but not his own…

I’d love to hear your thoughts…
thanks

2

That’s your answer right there.

Talk is cheap, but until he starts being a dad to his own kids, keep your distance.

3

Get a lawyer, sue him for back child support, and stop taking his calls.

Really, this guys is living with another woman, and supporting his kids, but you think there’s a chance he “loves you best”? Sorry, I think you are deluding yourself.

4

Judge him by his actions and not by what he says.

Says: He wants you to be his wife.
Does: As long as he doesn’t have to leave his GF because reasons

Says: He wants to be together and be a family.
Does: Except where he is doing exactly none of that.

Says: Your friendship/love is open and honest
Does: Lies/hides to his current GF about you

Says: You are totally ‘The One’ for him; best friends/honest
Does: But being ‘content’ with a GF (who he may not love) is so much better than being with you.

Says: He loves you and loves the kids
Does: No support, but kinda your fault; report the father for support.

Without further information about what is between the both of you, and trust me I don’t want to know, he is looking at you as someone he can hook up with if he happens to be in the area.

Cut contact, report him for child support and stay the fuck away from him. He wants to use you and he is hitting your emotions to get what he wants.

5

File for child support and for a do-not-contact order. Block his number, his mother’s number, his best friend’s number, and go find yourself a man worthy of the name.

6

When people show you who they really are, your job is to SEE!

Talk is cheap, look to his actions, to see who he really is. He has ignored the needs of his children and the woman he ‘loves’. If this is how he treats the woman he loves ‘most’, why would you want to be her?

You know how fucked up this is, I know you do. Yes, he’s charming, etc, that’s why you fell for him the first time. You’d have to be a much stupider woman, than I think you are, to fall for it a second time.

I also think you can sense you’re standing on a precipice, and you can see this is a choice of import. I caution you to choose wisely, ignoring your own intuitive wisdom using comes at a very high cost.

Good Luck!

7

Get a lawyer and initiate (and complete) action for child support.

Don’t block his calls/get restraining order until the day AFTER he gets the Summons.

I’d love to hear what he has to say when the “woman he REALLY loves” sue his worthless ass.

After the first call, of course, block the number and get a restraining order.

That should tell him his booty calls* aren’t going to have the desired results.

    • don’t kid yourself as to the nature of these “Aw, sweetie, take me back - I really do love you” bullshit calls.
8

You broke up because of his drinking problem, but he “wants everything to be like it used to be”? Even if he didn’t have another GF, other kids, and other priorities, he’s not telling you it (he) will be better? You know you don’t want that.

9

Wait, I’m confused. Are his current girlfriend’s kids hers or theirs?

And yeah, sue the sucker for child support. Back and current. Dig out any medical bills too.

10

He isn’t contributing any money to his current girlfriend and kids either. He is getting near the end of her tolerance with his deadbeat and drinking and is planning his next move on you. You need a lawyer, as others have said.

11

Also, get some psychological help immediately. The fact that you, after years of living and then two years of not living with this man, can’t yet see what is obvious to all of us after one post means that you have deep problems. You need to find out why you’re unable to understand how bad this guy has been for you. What sort of home did you grow up in? Did you have a father like your ex-boyfriend?

12

Just to be blunt: you aren’t doing right by your kids, either. It’s not your money, it’s theirs, and you owe them to go after it. They deserve a share of their father’s income. Even if you can feed and clothe them without his help, whatever his money could pay for–a college fund, a chance to move to a neighborhood with top-notch schools, experiences like scouting or playing sports or piano lessons, all of that, is something they are entitled to and you are denying them because it’s more important somehow to keep this guy liking you than to give your kids a secure, full life.

13

I’m really hoping this is performance art.
And if it isn’t, I would tell you to stay away, but the chances of you actually listening to that sage advice would be exactly nil.

14

It is not this lady’s “fault” that another adult is failing to live up to his responsibilities to his children.
He sounds bad enough that it may be worth terminating contact completely and NOT pursuing support. Once he has to pay, he will probably try to get involved in their lives. Next thing you know she has to send them to his place every other weekend and he drives drunk with them in the car. Not worth it.
The guy is a manipulative liar without integrity or ethics. Forcing him to pay gets you a little bit of money and a whole heap of twisted future interaction with him.

15

Why on earth would having to pay support make him want to be involved? He’s had three years to be as involved as he wants and it hasn’t been worth the drive apparently even once.

16

Several possible reasons:

  1. To pay less child support. More time with him equals less money handed off to the mom.
  2. To get her to lay off asking for support. “You drop the support request or I’ll fight you for custody.”
  3. To feel like he’s getting something for “his” money. Forced to financially invest, he won’t be able to pretend they don’t exist, as he does now. Now he may decide he should get a say in how they are raised, etc. And maybe in some sense he should, but as he is clearly someone deceitful with horrible judgment, that is not in their interest.
  4. As a result of pressure from others. Obviously he does not care about his kids, but if people start calling him out on that, he may want to hide this aspect of himself and go through the motions to avoid people he interacts with knowing what a jerk he is.
    Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t even know he has kids and will be horrified at what an awful father he is.
17

I am just not seeing any of those as so likely that even the chance of them happening is worth denying your kids the financial security that a second income stream provides. And for most of them, if they do occur, you could back back out. Certainly this guy hasn’t shown any sign of ever giving a fuck, certainly not enough of a fuck to drive hours away to see them.

Women don’t ask for money because they are afraid it will make them look greedy or selfish, or because they are afraid of confrontation, or because they are making excuses for the guy (I don’t want to ruin his life, I am the one who got pregnant") but it’s not about turning down your own money, it’s taking something from your kids.

I’m open to the idea that there are times it’s in the kids’ best interest, but there needs to be a lot more evidence than what has been presented here, and with the frank understanding of what you are giving up: that financial insecurity is hard on kids and that financial security can bring real advantages. Love is the most important thing, but it’s not the only thing, and it’s the jumps at the lower end of the scale–from desperately poor to merely poor, or poor to “working class” that provide the most benefit. And these are the women that don’t pursue support.

18

A court order for child support does not magically produce “financial security.” Deadbeats will often go to great lengths to avoid paying, quitting jobs, getting paid under the table, etc. Yes, often they will get their licenses suspended, go to jail, etc., but that does not actually create a reliable income stream for the kids.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with pursuing child support.
But there is no reason to treat the poster as if her failure to pursue it is denying her children the piano lessons they need to have good lives. She is taking care of her kids without this jerk. Telling her she is somehow responsible for short-changing them on extra-curricular activities and college funding is heaping useless blame on her. If she is low-income, there are scholarships for scouting, sports, etc., that don’t impose the risks and disappointments of having this kind of father in their lives.

19

My point is that she seems to be really worried about what he thinks of her, and about his feelings, and about keeping him happy. She says it’s a good relationship now because they talk every day about his problems! If she has it in her mind that she’s the only one paying the price of that priority, she’s ignoring the complexity of the case. She’s considering whether she should let him move back in–almost about how she can convince him to move back in–so I don’t think she’s worried about him taking an interest in the kids. Under these circumstances, I think it’s a reasonable observation that she seems to be prioritizing him ahead of what her kids are owed.

20

This is at best a stalling tactic while he plans his next move, which I don’t think will involve you or the kids.