That’s why continued interaction with him in any context whatsoever is a bad idea.
She should quit this person cold turkey. She doesn’t get any support from him now, so can probably carry on without it. What she can’t do is get any objective perspective about the situation because she is in a co-dependent pseudorelationship. She needs positive help and support more than self-esteem destroying criticism of her parenting.
Then don’t.
if he’s trying to get with you while he is living with another woman, he is looking for something on the side, or she is getting ready to throw his sorry self out.
Now, if you are just looking for a little action, that’s another story. Have your fun.
- Don’t bring the kids into it, and
- Don’t say it’s love.
Or because they know the guy is capable of being a total jerk, or violent, and the kids will suffer more by having the guy in their lives. And once there is a support order, a lot of men* will go for a visitation order, just because, and then start telling the mother how to spend the money, and threatening to sue for custody for she doesn’t do what she is told, which they will not get, but her lawyer doesn’t come free, and how are the kids better off in the end, with the upset, stress, and no additional money, because mom is spending so much on lawyers.
- the type of men of have a support order imposed, rather than agreed to, of course; that is the context
Straight talk:
This person is an emotionally abusive conman. Maybe he misses you, but he does not love you. He is probably not capable of that. He is mistreating his current girlfriend, you, and both sets of children.
You got out, relocated far away, and have not seen him in years. That was a great move for you and your kids. This guy is messing up every life he gets a chance to.
Wanting to be a family with the father of your kids is normal and understandable, but with this guy it will never happen. Even if he left his girlfriend and married you, he is not able to be a loving husband and father. Your “family” will be a miserable nightmare, your kids will suffer, and you will suffer.
Stop taking his calls and change your number as soon as possible. A person who loves you does not treat you this way.
Cold turkey, as put forth above. No contact, no support, just be done with the guy. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love the kids.
I have been here before in my life. I got pregnant, things were going to be great, father disappears and I find him living with his ex girlfriend. Even at 18 I knew the important person was my kid, and I figured out that he was a snake, and I cut off contact.
I advise against support. Money is great or whatever, but this is exactly the type of guy that would jerk you around for support, and you’d have to go back to court for years, fighting and get angry and all kinds of negatives that would me you unhappy, and a “victim” - which would screw up your kids in a lot of little ways, but one big one - they would think that that is how normal people live. And of course, he would show up once in a while and just basically screw up your kids brains.
How’s did mine turn out? She’s 18 now, smart and happy and beautiful. Plus, she has a dad - my husband and I got together when she was little, he adopted her, and we’re a tight, happy family and have been for almost 20 years.
My advice? Get your head out of your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. You’re only screwing up your kids right now.
Two huge questions I’d want answers to before opining on the OP:
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Is the guy still drinking? How’s the rest of his individual life going? e.g. job, debt, etc.
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What is his set-up with the GF? Are the kids hers or theirs? Does she know about the OP & her 2 kids with him? What does the GF think of the guy before he contacted the OP? What does she think after being told about his attempts to rejoin the OP’s family?
Several of us have written opinions based on our guesses to these questions. Better advice comes from better facts. Otherwise we’re just projecting our prejudices (or personal life experiences) onto the OP’s situation. Which, to the degree they don’t match the OP’s actual circumstances, is less than helpful.
They aren’t blind guesses. The answers are relatively clear in the letter.
He is still drinking or she would have mentioned that he stopped. She states that they broke up “because of his drinking problem” – not “because he had a drinking problem” or his former drinking problem. She says she has not seen him in two years, so even if he claimed to have stopped she’d have to trust his word, which is worthless. Also, he wants “everything to go back to the way it used to be,” not minus the drinking.
The kids he lives with are his current girlfriend’s, not his. He is not giving his “own” kids the priority they might logically get from being his biological children.
Obviously his current girlfriend does not know he is now putting the moves on the OP. That’s why she is “content” and he has to “sneak” calls.
The only unanswered question you have posed is whether the girlfriend knows the guy has kids, but what difference does it really make?
I am going to continue to hold that absent a specific, compelling reason, a custodial parent has a duty to pursue child support and at least get an order in place. Even if the order cannot be enforced, or even if it’s in the best interest of the child not to pursue actual payment, having an order in place does a lot of things. It establishes a claim for later, if the child wishes to pursue it. It makes the minor child eligible for SSRI payments if the idiot wraps his car around a tree; it can entitle the child to a share of life insurance payouts if the idiot gets himself killed.
There are times when it’s in the best interest of the child to just let the father fade away. But I think a lot of people romanticize that choice.
Your name wouldn’t be Edith, would it? And is his girlfriend named Kate?
Because it sounds like he wants to have his Kate and Edith too.
I understand your position. But I count “the guy is an immature dirtball” as a compelling reason, as it has the potential to make that dirtball parts of your kids life. Guys like that always hang around, even if it’s once a year - and the impact that has on children is lifelong and often destructive in terms of their future relationships.
I also doubt that a guy like this has life insurance. And you really think that it’s mentally healthy for your kid to try to get involved in a child support mess, if they wish to pursue it?
People like that are just toxic, and all the money in the world can’t make up for it. Think about all the threads we have around here about people dealing with toxic family members. Would you really want to deliver your child into that life just for some money that will probably never be collected?
This.
He is full of shit. A user. Telling you what you want to hear. Appealing to your deepest desires.
You can’t trust your judgment. It’s off because you literally have no self-esteem or respect for yourself for whatever reason. What do you “love dearly” about him? The fact that he has no respect for you? That he could care less about his kids? That he makes pleasing his new girlfriend by paying rent and showering her children with presents a priority over supporting his own children?
He would hate to “hurt her feelings”? What a stand-up guy! You are a Saint for allowing your feelings and your children’s well-being to play second fiddle to this game he is running. Take that piece of shit to court for child support and do it now. And stop playing pipe dream therapist for him on the phone. He’s getting off on it. Don’t take his calls.
The fact that it “kills” you means nothing. The fact that you sit there and continue to not only allow it to continue, but want it in your life is shocking.
Don’t keep doing this to yourself. You don’t deserve it and neither do your kids.
The best predictor of someone’s future behavior is their current and past behavior.
OP, just move along. Find someone to love, that will love you back.
That’s what I was thinking.
Ba-ZING! 
5 will get you 10 we never hear from the OP again.
Hi,
I literally have been taking time to read each post & give it thought. I even printed the responses out so I can re-read them if needed.
It’s tough to ‘hear’ from others how foolish I have been. The children my exboyfriend is supporting, are not his biological children. That alone was a major slap in the face. BUT at some point in my off thinking, I thought I could make him do right.
I love my kids so much and somehow I felt guilty and maybe even jealous, Guilty because this is the person I chose to have children with & now my kids are fatherless…And maybe even a bit jealous, because I figured surely if he could take care of her children, he is definitely capable of caring for his own children’s needs.
His girlfriend is unaware that he and I are ‘friends’. I know there are a lot of people involved in the situation who can potentially get hurt, my kids being #1; they of course deserve a dad who wants to be in their lives, not one that I have to convince to be there. Someone who is clean and sober, and willing to go the extra mile for them.I deserve a man who won’t use me & will treat me with respect. And his girlfriend doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.
In spite of being raised by both of my parents my father is a cold man, so I was attracted to my ex because he was charming and seemed so kind hearted.
Anyway, I’m in counseling to get the help that I need. 
I’m working on building my self-esteem… I lost it somewhere along the way…
My children are younger so they have very, very little memories of their dad, they don’t ask about him or ask why he isn’t around. They dont expect gifts or anything from him. I will be speaking to a lawyer about child support to figure out what’s the best thing to do.
Cutting off contact with him will at least give me some time to strengthen my mind so I can be in a better position mentally…
Thank you for all of the straightforward comments. Each of you has given me something to think about. I do believe I am worth more and need to start acting like it.
Good for you. You should be proud of the difficult decision you are making, letting go of the dream you had of getting this guy to be the one for you.
Please don’t beat yourself up about any mistakes you have made, and don’t feel guilty for the sake of your children. They need you to show them how to love and forgive yourself, not get mired in the past. You feeling bad doesn’t help you or them.
Best of luck to you.
Keep reminding yourself that it’s not love that you are feeling. He’s just struck some sort of emotional chord and has been plucking it for all it’s worth. You think it’s love because you don’t know any better. Some day you will, and you will want to go back in time and slap the shit out of yourself.
Sweetheart, I hope we were of some help, but it sounds like you were just looking for a little support, you knew the situation without us.
It sounds like the guy is cute, charming, and very doable, and absolutely not a life partner. There is nothing wrong with getting together with people like that, but it should be for a good time not for having babies.
IMO
If daddy’s name is on the birth certificate, the presence or absence of a support order won’t change eligibility for Social Security survivor’s benefits, and at least in the states with which I’m familiar won’t change inheritance rights, etc., either.
Now if paternity is not legally established, then there could be a really big problem, so you do need to make sure that part is done.
Another topic to bring up with the lawyer is how your state (and his, if not the same) handle support orders. The state itself may get involved automatically in enforcement and pursuing payment, whether or not you want them to or whether it’s really a good idea in your specific circumstances.
This. Boyfriends names often do not get put on the birth certificate, and until paternity is established and his name does get added to the birth certificate, they are legally fatherless and he actually has no obligation to pay support. You can beg until the kids are grown, but if he is not legally recognized as the father, there’s nothing you can do.
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. My 9 y/o daughter has been with me since she was 2. Her mom moves around like a gypsy and sees her about 3 times a year. My daughter has a blast when she does see her, but misses home after about 1 day and can’t wait to get back. She’s never really asked about it though, it’s all she’s ever known so going 5 months without hearing from mom is just normal to her. She’ll figure it out eventually, but so far she’s just a normal happy kid. Anyway, it’s good to try to get them involved with the kids, but sometimes it doesn’t happen.
Gatopescado pays the next round, guys!
SweetHeart, best of wishes for you and your kids.
I didn’t see that coming. Good to call me on it! I hate being right *all *the time!
I’m good for it. Belly Up!
Now that I know Sweetheart is reading, my advice is AVOID THAT PRICK! (like everybody said)
I’ll buy you a drink, too.