Who still doesn't like their parents?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’re leaving out people who had actual trauma or abuse. I’m wondering about those who had fairly typical childhoods.

You know the old saying about how your parents miraculously get smarter as you age? Well that never really happened for me. My folks weren’t awful parents, but in some ways they were pretty boneheaded and flat wrong. I’m in my thirties, and this view of my parents hasn’t really improved.

I can look back on my childhood, and still believe they screwed up in a lot of ways. And they’re not people I’d like or want to be around if I weren’t their son. Again, not BAD people - just, not my type.

Am I a cold blooded reptile, or are there others who feel this way too?

2

I can’t comment on the cold-blooded reptile thing, but you’re not alone. I’m 33, and feel the same way about my mother, father, and brother: I love them, but I don’t particularly like them (and if they were honest, they’d say the same about me). Like you say: if we weren’t related, I would not want them in my life.

I very rarely talk about this with anyone, because so many people just don’t get it. Thanks for starting the support group. :wink:

3

Wow, there must be only two of us, Mack.

Because my Aunt died, my Mom is currently in town (from Montana) and staying with us for a month. She’s 71, has all her faculties, but just won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP. It’s just one endless stream of chatter. Sometimes about things that might be of interest to some – she’s into herbs, holistic healing and astrology – and some times not – about this or that person up where she lives, what sign they are, what year they were born, etc. – but it is endless. And laced with bragging, some of which my wife insists is delusional. Driving me c-c-crazy. I love her, but when she’s got the motor mouth going (well, she does sleep) I definitely don’t like her. Despite previous (and apparently pointless) reminders, she does not understand that communication requires a sender, a receiver AND A MESSAGE THAT THE RECEIVER CARES TO RECEIVE. She’s very loving, very generous – so this actually emotionally pains me to write – but she’s a tremendous bore.

Whether this dislike subconsciously stems from a bad childhood is debatable. She was pretty amped up when we were kids which probably some had input in the development of a deviant sexual bahavior in her normal-appearing son. But I don’t consciously hold anything against her for any roles she may have had in that.

I guess I can say there maybe some love missing, but there’s a lot of dislike.

And no, I don’t see her as smarter now that I’ve gotten older. I do see me as wiser, but that seems to have allowed me to see glaring shortcomings in her.

The ironic thing is I always look forward to her visiting. But can’t wait for her to leave.

4

My parents have both been dead for more than 15 years, so I won’t go there – but as far as my brother is concerned, the best I can say about him is that I’m not not speaking to him.

5

My parents are ok, but I don’t think they are any smarter now that when I was in college. I like them ok, but five days is about all I can take before I want to go home or for them to leave. My mom’s not nearly as old as Moonchild’s, but she also talks too damn much.
My brother however, I don’t like and wouldn’t interact with *ever * if I had a choice.

6

I don’t think you’re a reptile, Mach Tuck, and I know you’re not alone.

My husband struggles with many of the same feelings about his mother. His dad is, as you say “BAD,” so that’s pretty easy. But with mom… Well, it’s hard for me to explain his deep complicated feelings, but he definitely feels similarly to you.
.

7

Well, my dad was an abusive alcoholic who I’ve not seen in years so he’s out.

My mom…well, I could tell you stories but won’t since I’ve dinner on the stove.

If I weren’t related to my family, I think I would hate them.

8

My parents are generally good people who made some major mistakes in child rearing, which isn’t so bad except they have been confronted with the scars left by those mistakes and refuse to accept responsibility for them. They are definately stuck in the “the parents are always right” syndrome and it’s a shame.

One brother stole over $300,000 from his employer and is an arrogant s.o.b… I love him, but have zero respect for him or anything that comes out of his mouth (and he’s quite free with advice :rolleyes: ) I spend as little time with him as possible.

The other brother is a great guy. He’s very smart, yet humble, and I respect him alot.

I’m far from perfect, so I’m sure they have their share of beefs about me as well. I don’t lose much sleep over it.

9

No, I don’t like my parents much. My dad has always been a self-centered bastard–one of those “emotionally” distant types and though he never abused us, I still have unsettling memories of him. Now he’s off being a self-centered bastard in No Cal with a new girlfriend and from what I understand, he’s happy. You know, it always feels good to think that all it took to make my father happy is a chance to get away from us.

Not that he’s blameless. My mother and my sister are both emotionally and socially stunted. They have a very hard time forming meaningful relationships, and they also have a very hard time interacting with people in any sort of acceptable way. When I went to visit them this July, I was pretty much regretting that decision after the first day. I find it nearly impossible to be in the same room as them.

Living 500-600 miles away from both parents and my entire family is one of the best things I’ve ever done, and now here I sit, contemplating to moving within 40 miles of my mother. I must be insane.

Despite what I said, I do love them, but I would never call them wise or choose to just hang out with them or look to them much for advise.

10

While I’m probably not anywhere close in age to the rest of you (I’m 15), I can relate to your feelings. It’s probably the same old thing coming from kids, but honestly, there’s a reason why most of us feel this way about our parents. It’s because they’re straight out pesky, annoying, frustrating, and they just flat out piss you off.

My parents are, on the whole, good parents. But my mom tends to judge my inadequacies, such as a C on one quiz, first (as probably usual), rather than, say, a 100% on a math test.

She yells a lot as well, and constantly blames her mistakes on me and my sister. And my sister’s pretty bad herself. :wink: But my mom just takes out trivial frustrations on us. For example, getting back from a visit with her friends in San Francisco, her birthplace and childhood home (we now live in Virginia), she commented hours later on the relatively few things that hadn’t been done.

My dad, on the other hand, is a very relaxed person usually, but when he gets mad, he yells a bit too loudly. It has a slight tendency to resonate throughout the entire house, riddled with words not worth repeating. :frowning:

These are relatively trivial and unworthy complaints though, especially taking into account the previous posts in this thread. We are a very happy family on the whole, and I’d say that, with a few extremely minimal changes, we’d be even better.

This thread worries me though. I was actually looking forward to the time where I can have high regards for my parents; both as parental figures and as ‘friends’. I was looking forward to times not of imperatives and demand, but of good discussion and laughs. This thread makes me wonder about that a bit. :stuck_out_tongue:

11

Now that I’m in my thirties, I do have a deeper appreciation for some of the things my parents did. At the same time though, I can look back and realize just how wrong some of their actions were. There were many wrongful aspects of their child-rearing philosophy that were not apparent to me when I was a child or a teen.

12

Um, yeah.

Mom: Some sympathy for her bad choices (as in marrying my dad), but as she and I both get older, I find myself increasingly annoyed by and disconnected from her. She could have done a better job as a parent, but I really don’t think she knew how. I call her every so often to do my duty, send her posies on her birthday, etc., but pretty much just to keep her happy. Conversations are friendly, but pretty superficial.

Dad: He’s my biological father, but he was also pretty much just a guy who lived in the house with us and had yelling rights. I never bonded with him at all and avoid him as much as possible. He has nearly zero social and hygiene skills and is a fairly offesive bigot. I hope he dies first so my mother can have some peace. If she dies first he won’t see me again.

Sister: Heading down the same path as my mother; married a guy much like my dad. I had hoped they wouldn’t have kids together, but now that they have, I keep in touch with her for the sake of my niece and nephew. I figure they’re going to need a better example.

So no, if these people weren’t related, I wouldn’t hang with them at all.

13

Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to like them.

My mom is a good mom but I realized a long time ago that if I wasn’t related to her I’d be happy to meet her once a season for lunch. We’re very different in our world view and have been since I was 12 (42 now).

Kind of like if she was Laura Petrie (Dick Van Dyke show) and her son was Hunter Thompson.

I’m still trying to convince a friend of mine who’s 22 that she doesn’t have to feel guilty about not keeping in constant touch with her own (issues) mother.

whistlepig

14

Hey, don’t sweat it. I think that adults who just plain don’t like their parents are the exception, not the rule. Which is why Mach Tuck started this thread, I guess–because most everyone he knew seemed to grow to really like their parents. It sounds like your folks are pretty great, as you yourself acknowledge. :slight_smile:

So, what does your name mean? Is your last name Geller?

(And welcome to the boards!)

15

Yep, that’s my last name. I wasn’t feeling too creative at the time. :o

16

Without getting too much into it … I just want to say thanks for voicing something that I simply never say to anyone. I can’t say I dislike them, but I do often feel that were we not related, they are just not the kind of people I would be around.

17

Biological family is a crapshoot wherein you have blood-defined relationships with people who you have a priori the same chance of having anything in common with as with a random stranger.

I love my mother; my dad I had severe problems with in childhood, and even after we reconciled I was never very close to him.

18

I took my parents off the altar and I look at them a plain human beings. I like them much better now that I’m not thinking they are failed gods. Dad is passed on but I do like my mom.

I come from a family of six kids. One brother is passed on but I get along well with three of the others. I have a sister that I was very close to but she is getting more and more Christian every year. It’s a little creepy to me. I do live 1500 miles from them and don’t see or talk to them much.

The last brother, well I’m working on it in thearpy. I have tried to cut him off as he is emotionally abusive and a physical threat to my safety. He honestly feels that he was the model of restraint because, although I did not have his 4 year-old as a flower girl in my wedding he choose not to put me in the emergency room. (thought he threaten it)
Now, even though he still feels that way, he wants to ‘put it behind us’ and forgive me for that slight and get me back in his life.

rolleyes smilie does not cover it.

19

[hijack, sorry]

Well, then, consider me egeller, at your service!

Also in residence here is bgeller, aka Billdo aka my brother, and jgeller, aka Mama Beando aka mommy. :slight_smile:

20

I hear ya: I deliberately went to a college that was 100 miles from home, and I now live 50 miles away from my mom, dad, and bro. And that’s the way I like it. My brother considered applying for a job in this area not too long ago, and I held my breath the entire time he was deciding (he didn’t). Sometimes Mom jokes about moving to Virginia, and I always immediately reply that I would move to Colorado (my company has an office there). It’s said like a joke, but we both know that I’m serious!

For me it hasn’t been about realizing what they did wrong; I think everyone has those realizations as they get older, but in most cases you also understand that they did the best they could. I’m talking about realizing that you quite simply do not like either of your parents. As people, not because of anything having to do with how you were raised. Family dynamics are always “interesting,” but there’s nothing quite like loving someone who you do not like.

Agreed . . . but I find myself liking most random strangers more than I like the members of my immediate family. :slight_smile:

I am not a Belle & Sebastian fan, but I do love one of their lyrics: “A family is like a loaded gun: if you point it in the wrong direction, someone’s going to get killed.”