Not rare enough unfortunately. My ex started leaching money from my son when he was only 16. I’ve done my best to limit it, to advise him against it and for the most part it’s worked.
The problem is my ex uses the younger siblings as a club to batter down objections. Oh yes, we’re still smoking a pack a day each and we all have the newest toys but I can’t pay the heating bill and your younger brother will freeze if you don’t “lend” me the money for the bill.
I think what’s happened now that my son is in his 20’s is that he’s just stopped telling me when his dad pulls these tricks.
Is she still able to make substantial contributions to her retirement accounts? Because assuming she’s fairly young, that $30,000 could have grown to a decent amount if it had been put in an IRA or a 401(k) instead of being used to prop up the parents.
Broaden your horizons. We’re out there. I’m happily married, primary breadwinner (Ivylad is disabled) and recently went back to school to get my MBA.
My father has asked me for money precisely never. I don’t ask him for money either, so I guess that’s good.
Back to the OP: Does your GF ask for money from her parents?
Regarding the bank accounts…there does not need to be OURS yet. You’re not married, and if her parents are leeching from her enough that it’s preventing her from reaching her goals, things are going to be even harder after you’re married.
You nailed it, Kimstu. That whole post is spot on. Well not the Margherita bit, but that’s nothing a simple name change can’t fix.
If and when the time comes for a proper showdown with the parents, I might maybe start another thread and ask for further advice. But I think I’ll be able to handle myself… Keep calm and constructive… State my case, explain my reasoning and then maybe gently remind them of the myriad of ways they could cut costs / earn more. The mother is rational, I can handle her. The father is trickier, an emotional fellow, blubbery type, also drinks a bit. But I guess that’s the subject for another thread…
Yes.
Excellent point. Putting the money into her retirement fund would have been a great idea. Or investing it, which is what her brother does with his money… Which is why every time the parents ask him for money, he - wisely - answers that no can do, my money’s all tied up in my investments. Mind you I don’t resent that at all, quite the opposite - my GF could learn a lot from that guy.
Never.
The common bank account is used for common expenses. Married or not, it’s quite practical. When we both agree on a common expense, we do this thing where we both pantomime turning a key like you’re unlocking a vault, and go “tche-tcheck.” Well if the parents come asking for money from the common account, she can go “tche-tche-tchecking” 'til the cows come home, but I ain’t “tche-tchecking” that shit for all the tea in China. (Or all the butter in Småland, as we say in Sweden.)
And I’ve seen people avoid such problems by maintaining their personal accounts and opening a shared account for shared expenses. Making it less complicated. So what? Means nothing as to what is appropriate for this relationship. Something none of us could possibly know, pretty clearly.
Also the large western country I live in provides no more legal protections to those who are married than those who are simply living common law. In law, there is no benefit, in fact.
Caution should be used when mixing funds with a person who has money issues. It happens all the time where one person drains the joint accounts for shopping, gambling, drugs, or whatever. Taking money from her own account for her parents could very easily become taking money out of the joint account.
The situation with her and her parents is an irresponsible use of her money. It’s one thing if her mom needs the money for cancer treatment, but it’s totally different if they need the money so they can keep their current lifestyle in a well-decorated house on the beach. True it’s her money and she can do what she wants, but keep an eye on things that affect you. This situation should have stopped back when it was only $3,000. Now that it’s $30,000, why would it ever stop? It’s out of control.
One day her parents are going to say they need $X,000 and her personal account is only going to have $Y00 in it. You need to make sure that if she decides to pull from joint accounts, not too much damage can be done.
I think you are being a little too blasé (insert easy to interpret tilt of head and slightly arched eyebrow) about how this will shake out. If you two are engaged in a economically cooperative lifestyle this will wear at you and at some point you are going to start to get *really *pissed off about this. I realize you are a sophisticated Continental, but this is human nature.
I think you need to seriously think about how this is going to shake out over time. You have no authority to stop her pipe lining money to them, your only power is to threaten to terminate the relationship and at that point it’s them or you. If she can’t say “no” to them now it’s unlikely she will say no to them later while under stress.
I don’t know now. If they aren’t asking you for money, your finances are not comingled, and daughter can afford the cash outlay and still meet her bills and save for retirement then what’s it anybodies business how she spends her discretionary resources?
I get you don’t like the parents being sponges, that’s fair, and no doubt annoying to watch, so you totally get to pit them. But wading into it amounts to telling her how to spend her money.
Are you open to her telling you how to spend your discretionary money? Would you be okay with her giving it to charity? Would you object if she was spending it on adventure holidays? How about helping her cousin the newly single Mom? Why do you feel you get to approve of what she chooses to spend it on?
If she can afford this, and it’s not impacting you, beyond its annoying to watch, I’m thinking you should stay out of it. Is the daughter upset and bitching about it constantly? If not, leave her be.
I don’t think it’s just the “she can afford it, what’s the big deal?” Her parents are using their daughter as an ATM. They are not practicing wise money management, and she’s not strong enough to tell them to back off.
There’s a bigger moral issue here…do children have the obligation to give their parents money, not because they’re in a pinch, but because they’re looking for a bail out of their own poor decisions?
I disagree, astro, with the idea that “[my] only power is to threaten to terminate the relationship.” There are several ways I can think of to handle a prospective showdown short of so drastic an ultimatum. Starting by making clear to all parties involved that under no circumstances will I allow either my own money, or me and my girlfriend’s common money, to go towards supporting her parents’ extravagant spending.
elbows, I think you’re right. So far, this is not technically my problem. My money hasn’t been touched. Our common money hasn’t been touched. She’s paying all her bills, her half of all mutual expenses, saves for retirement, etc. So far, this only affects her money, and her money is, well, her money - and therefore none of my dang business.
ivylass, I think that what the parents are doing is morally despicable. It boils my fucking blood. Hence the thread. But until that fateful day when they try to touch my money, perhaps it would be best to stay out of it.
You should stay out of it, definitely. Your girlfriend is enabling her parents. If you confront her parents, you will be enabling your girlfriend. She, or other family members, should be the one to put a stop to this. She might eventually want you to be the bad guy and talk to them, but she needs to be the one to do that. You need to not be involved in that at all.
Well… good luck with that. From the parent’s perspective you will essentially be declaring war on their lifestyle at that point and they will do their best to convince their daughter that you are a bad guy. If she is as supine as you indicate regarding her parents current demands I’m not sure this will end well for you.
Ugh. My idiot brother does this to my nephew, and it’s gone on for a couple of years. My nephew even rationalizes it away with “grandpa helped out his mom”. No one has told him that my dad helped his mom because she was divorced in 1960 and trying to make it on one income with my dad’s brother at home, and not because she didn’t want to work (like my idiot brother) and buy all his meals out and smoke cigarettes constantly. It makes me nuts to see this.
We’ll see. There is a difference, I think, between “declaring war on their lifestyle” and calmly explaining that I - their daughter’s boyfriend - will not be the one to pay for it, though I would love, love, love to help out in other ways (such as with setting up an Airbnb account, as mentioned in the OP).
Of course, they may not see it that way.
It is certainly possible that I completely mismanage the entire situation, play my cards all wrong, get stigmatised as that-penny-pinching-little-swarthy-wog-who-refuses-to-help-out-after-everything-we’ve-done-for-him, and end up with the entire family firmly in the “fuck Steken” camp.
So, no, I’m not “sure this will end well for [me],” either. I’m not sure either way. We shall see.
