I pit my friend and her money problems

The BBQ Pit
1

My friend is very sweet, and is extremely generous and kind. She’s also a great friend for me, because she’s one of those people who automatically keeps up contact, arranges get-togethers, and so on, and I tend to be a shy hermit.

But god. damn. I am pissed about her handling of her finances to no end. (Not to worry, as of this morning, I’m no longer involved whatsoever. I will disengage from this issue and not waste further energy on it, except to vent a bit here.)

So, as will be obvious to any outside observer, we made a mistake in trying to help this couple out with their money situation in the first place. Actually, it wasn’t too bad in the beginning. Some circumstantial stuff forced them into bankruptcy, and we gave them the money to pay the lawyer. We were fully prepared to treat it as a gift, but they did pay us back in full.

However, this past April, my friend told me her husband had not been paying the (already lowered by the court) mortgage, and she was trying to get him to deal with the bank and get it straightened out.

Guess what! Last week she called and told me that no payments had been made in all this time, and someone called her and asked about the foreclosure sale they saw advertised in the paper. :eek: Yet, she was not terribly concerned - her husband was dealing with the bank and finding out how much they had to pay, etc.

Well, even you, a stranger, surely can see that her husband is useless on this issue. He may even be mentally ill, I’m not sure, but it’s clear he can’t be trusted to handle this. Did I mention they have three children, who will be homeless as well if the house is seized?

So I agonized about how to delicately deliver a dope slap to her, and tell her that she needs to just deal with this crap herself, and not trust her husband AT ALL to do any of it. I worried I would make her mad and end the friendship, but decided that if I call myself her friend, I have an obligation to risk that.

So we had the conversation. She seemed OK with it. I set up with her that this morning we would both put our kids in daycare, and we would work together to call the bank, find out the real true payoff number, figure out if they had the money to pay that, and so on. Oh, and I would show her how to print out tax forms from irs.gov, so she could file their taxes finally, which they have an extension on, even though they’re due a large refund. :smack:

So I called this morning. She tells me that her husband is taking care of it all. He finished the taxes on TurboTax, but he hasn’t sent them yet. She doesn’t know why, but “he’s going to do it this morning.” Does she know exactly how much the bank wants? No. She does know that her husband is borrowing the extra money from his parents, but she doesn’t know when they will get it. There is one thing that she did find out, though: the foreclosure sale is set for this Wednesday. But, she says, it’ll all work out.

Oh, and then she told me that they are planning a week’s vacation at the beach, because they really need to de-stress.

So yeah, our kids can play together. We can hang out and talk about housekeeping, or diapers, or other mom stuff. But I refuse to even discuss their money situation, or for that matter, what an incompetent boob her husband is. Life is too short for this shit.

2

Holy crap. That’s beyond burying your head in the sand. I don’t know what more you could have done to help out.

3

The lady is shirking her responsibilities the same as the husband. She is just using the excuse that it’s the husbands responsibility, and on Wednesday it will not be her fault at all. Take a picture of their faces on Wednesday when the property is sold off, and they are amazed that this could happen. Don’t get suckered into taking in the whole family. The county services are there to call if the kids don’t have a place to shelter. It sounds like the adults need the reality to sink in, by experiencing the homeless bit.

4

Holy crap indeed! I cannot even begin to fathom how someone could be that dumb and irresponsible! You have done more than enough. I do not blame you for washing your hands of it.

5

Wow. I almost wish I could be that carefree in the face of a crisis. If this little situation doesn’t freak her out, I can’t imagine what would.

She’s either living on an astral plane few people have ever reached or she’s batshit insane. Or she’s married to Jim Jones.

6

I think Oprah had a show about this a while back. Something about mortgages and math just turns even the smartest people into bumbling idiots. So much so that if someone – a crooked accountant, a just-as-vapid spouse – offers to take care of the finances, they’ll be glad to hand everything over. Ignorance, bliss, (profit!), etc.

7

I tend to avoid unpleasant things, so I’m feeling all panicky just imagining my own ability to ignore a foreclosure. Eek.

8

Yeah, I totally agree that she is every bit as responsible and in the wrong as her husband on this. That was part of the big, scary conversation - me trying to make her realize that regardless of what her husband is doing, it is just as much her job to fix this crap as it is his, and she has the power and duty to fix it without his involvement. Evidently, it didn’t sink in.

I almost wonder if it is true that she’s using this disaster as a way to prove to her husband that he is messing up. But as my husband commented, “Will winning the argument keep the rain off your head?”

During this morning’s conversation, she joked, “Too bad your house isn’t a little bigger, we could all move in with you!” I said, “Ha, ha - NO.” I would take the kids in if they truly had no place to go but a shelter, but the adults made their beds and now can lie in them. In reality, they will probably wind up living with her mother.

ETA: And yeah, she is on medication for depression, but I don’t see that as an excuse when your kids are involved. I too have had recurring bouts of severe depression throughout my life, and I understand the “it’s awful and getting worse, I don’t even want to think about it” overwhelmed feeling. But if my child was about to be forced out of her home, even during my worst, practically bedridden episodes, I would suck it up and deal with it. Also note she somehow has the wherewithal to comparison shop for vacation rentals. :rolleyes:

9

do you have contact w/your friend’s parents or siblings or something?

Not to be an alarmist (sound of alarm ringing in background) but this level of disillusion is way beyond normal. I would be concerned about a potential for violence once the reality is no longer able to be ignored. I mean really, looking for vacation spots?

10

I can’t help but wonder, if the husband isn’t paying the mortgage, where’s the money going? I get the vibe that (and not knowing the intimate details of their finances) a lot of cash is going out without being accounted for.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but could there be drugs, gambling or some other addiction fueling this clusterfuck?

11

The really sad thing is, she is the sane one in her family. At least her mom has a home, and has recently decided she wants to be involved with their family and help out. But I don’t know her, and from the stories I’ve heard, she’s not the most stable, reliable person herself. I guess one reason I felt compelled to get so involved in the first place is that I am my friend’s closest social connection.

As for where the money has been going, that is one of the most fucked up things. As far as I can tell, most if not all of the money has been accumulating in the bank account for months. The bills didn’t get paid merely because neither of them was willing to sit down and do the chore of sending the payment. Or, more to the point, of doing the bills at all, judging by some conversations we’ve had recently. A while ago she set up most of their bills on auto pay, and I suspect that’s the only reason they still have a car, electricity, etc.

12

HUH?!?! :confused: :smack: :mad:

If stupid was flammable, these people could eliminate our dependency on Middle Eastern oil.

13

There’s a Reverend Really Large Guy on Dr. Phil who is addressing financial and other issues that ruin people’s lives. I hope your friend can watch it. He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about so far. He’s got a book out, too.

14

Call CYS on them about the kids? That’s the only thing I can think of.

It might be a major slap in the face enough to wake them up.

15

Reading stuff like this just kills me on the inside after how much I do to make our finances work on so little, and we’re not even in a position to dream of owning a place. These people deserve to be foreclosed on and deserve to end up on the street.

16

Did you tell her this? Because I’m thinkin’ that it gives her one more reason to ignore the whole problem. I see people in this thread saying, “If it was my kids who were going to be homeless, I’d conquer my depression and fix the problem.” Well, if you told this gal that you’d be there to pick up the slack for her kids, then she doesn’t have the solve the problem for their sake, and she and hubby can always go camp out in a homeless shelter while someone else (you) raises their kids.

I too have a friend who is irresponsible about money; she has breast cancer, and we just found out last week that instead of paying off her doctors for the last six months, she and her husband have been buying some property in the Ozarks. So, mercy me! they just got turned over to a collection agency, and were basically going around to everyone they knew, begging.

We didn’t give them anything, having already given her $100 last February, before we all collectively realized she and Hubby were buying land instead of sitting down and talking with doctors about payments.

Being someone’s friend doesn’t mean you have to enable their irresponsible behavior, and just because you may feel a sense of gratitude towards this woman for providing you, the hermit, with a social outlet, that doesn’t obligate you to do anything more for her than provide sympathy and a hankie.

And she IS an adult; even if she were your blood sister, her finances wouldn’t be your problem. :wink:

I realize this all sounds harsh, but sometimes when friends, even very good friends, seem to have ordered up a shitstorm for themselves, you just gotta step back, duck and cover, and let the shit fly.

17

My best friend is in this position. She’s just not doing it right! She never has, according to my husband (who used to be married to her). I worry about her future all the time. I know I just need to step back, but I can’t help it. She’s my friend and her golden years are rusting a little more every day.

18

I sure can. The human capacity for self-delusion is literally limitless. It’s not being “dumb,” per se, but it’s even worse than stupidity. A lack of intelligence or knowledge can be corrected through logical, straightforward means, but being delusional cannot.
I agree that washig your hands of it was the right thing to do. Some people just CAN’T be helped.

19

Not the kids, though-I hope you weren’t including them.

20

You know, you have a good point. Luckily, I have not said this to her (though she may think it anyway). My guess is that she assumes a.) somehow the deus ex machina will descend, and it will all get taken care of so they can stay* and b.) even if they get kicked out, they will stay with her mom for a while, then get an apartment (ignoring the fact that they have four animals they refuse to get rid of). I hope I’ve not enabled too much, and I agree, it is time to let them fall on their faces, and also not my problem if they do.

*In a way, this would be the worst outcome, because it would completely reinforce their flibbertyblithery approach to the whole thing.