Well, we are not sending private messages to the OP. Hopefully, a lot of other people are reading this thread. It may be of benefit to them to learn where the OP went wrong.
In the world of telemarketers, scammers, and Nigerian princes, lists of people who have previously been robbed are considered gold. These people are the most likely to be taken advantage of again and again. When we hear of people who have been taken advantage of we feel bad and want to do something to stop the bleeding, because odds they will let it happen to themselves again and again. Hence the motivation to grab them, shake them, and wake them up.
I’m assuming it was money for a rent deposit on a rental house, not earnest money or down payment on a house to purchase. The difference probably being a significant amount of cash.
Also OP says that he offered the money, she didn’t ask for it, she accepted it. Now was this several hundred dollars or several thousand? To me that’s relevant.
Did the question of her being a liar, thief, fraud, or somesuch, ever come up in the conversation?
Gotcher self a bad’n, Alltheleaves. Question: have you had sex with this gf? Even kissed her? This seems like a very bad relationship for you to be in. Does she have a lot of ‘Girls Nights Out’?
True, but, he said that he offered the money for a deposit on a house. There is a contingency there, and, were she not going to fulfill it, she should have said as much.
Firstly, the key to a successful relationship is honesty. Don’t say you’re not bothered when you’re bothered. That’s not fair on the other partner and leads to constant second-guessing of thoughts and emotions. Mature adults say what they think and mean what they say.
Secondly, when you say deposit on a house, do you mean a house purchase? Or a deposit on a rental?
Alltheleaves what was your root intention for giving this money? Did you expect her to eventually pay it back? Did you expect it as some type of investment in ‘your’ future (your = yours and her’s together)? Did you want to gift her, not the money, but the deposit for the house? Was the gift to help and brighten her path she must walk in life (which may not include you)?
While her defensive reaction and claiming you are controlling, often means she is the one controlling, but in this case I get that she feels ‘trapped’ like a cornered animal and that is why she may have spoken accurately.
I think you need to clarify to yourself what was the intention of this ‘gift’ and what was the gift you were really offering (money or the deposit), to unwind things to a point where the issue can be resolved.
When people show you, who they really are, your job is to SEE!
She’s shown you. The question is, DO you see? Would you be comfortable acting as she had toward a partner? Ever?
Also, we teach others how to treat us all the time, by the behaviour we are willing to tolerate.
So it kind of comes down to, who’s going to take a lesson from these events?
You? In recognizing she NOT quite the honourable and trustworthy person you’d assumed. This knowledge being reflected in your future interactions, or lack thereof, with this woman. (Clue: keep your wallet very tightly shut! Perhaps consider a partner you can trust!).
Or her? She now knows exactly how willing you are to let her take advantage of you. If you don’t think she’s internalized that lesson you’re probably too far gone to save with advise. You’re probably going to have to take a full lap around the painful life lesson track!
Being able to identify when we’re being exploited is valuable self awareness, but it’s not really enough, come down to it. If you cannot find it in yourself to act, in light of events you realize victimized you, then that self awareness is a complete waste.
My position is less that the OP should have known better, and more that there is something much more wrong with this relationship than a bit of money. Giving major gifts like that with no commitment is not normal, and introducing large sums of money into an uncommitted relationship is an easy way to ruin even the most balanced partnership. I don’t know if the OP was trying to buy affection, control with money, or just be genuinely nice. But giving cash-- and double especially cash with strings attached,–is not a nice gesture, it’s a power tactic that naturally leads to power games.
Does it make a difference to you on the amount of money we’re talking about here? $500 or $5,000?
If the OP thinks that she’s being shady with how she handles money then he should probably dump her. If the OP isn’t really concerned about the diversion of funds, but is just using that as a passive aggressive weapon when later an argument ensued over something else…well that’s kind of shitty on the OP’s part.
When you say you “sent” the money to her… Are we talking about sending the money from your bank to hers, or about sending money many miles, possibly across oceans, to reach her? What I’m really asking is: have you ever met this girlfriend in real life, in the flesh, have you ever physically stood in the same room as her and touched her?
Yep, kick her ass to the curb. You have better things to do than tease out why someone was untrustworthy and didn’t let you know.
There are only three real situations that I can see here, none of which bode well for a successful long-term relationship.
[ol]
[li]She really needed the money for car repairs, rent, etc… but thought she could better manipulate you into giving it, if she posed it in the guise of a downpayment.[/li][li]She really did intend it to be a downpayment, but life got in the way. Big question at that point is why didn’t she tell you? If she was embarrassed, then you need to work on your trust, if she was trying to be sneaky, then what else will she sneak around on?[/li][li]She’s just a space cadet who can’t manage money and wasn’t willing to disclose it with you. [/li][/ol]