Ok so last year my MIL gave us a fairly generous financial gift for our anniversary. We accepted it with much gratitude, but ever since then she has been scrutinizing the way we spent “her” money, complaining to friends and family that (e.g.) I gave them a lot of money and rather than put it away for their kids college, they remodeled a perfectly good kitchen! (we have 529s for our kids)…or she 'can’t believe she gave us so much money, but we didn’t even have the decency to spend her birthday with her, etc, etc. It goes on and on.
My husband and I have decided that all the BS is not worth the money and we regret having accepted her gift. How can we return the money to her without causing resentment or drama. I don’t want to make her feel bad, I just want to disarm her from all the bs she is spewing about us. I have her bank account number, so I can just wire the money back into her account. But how should I explain it to her?
We don’t know how much money is involved, but how does she know that your remodeled kitchen was paid with ‘her’ money? I would tell her you put ‘her’ money in the kid’s college fund at leave it at that. How will she know otherwise?
Or, see that she is a controlling person, and decide not to be controlled by her. Don’t worry about what she says. (This would be the ‘burning bridges’ approach. )
Unfortunately, we made the mistake of telling her that we used her $20k to remodel the kitchen and she expressed excitement because our kitchen was in dire need of a makeover. But then behind our backs, she bitched about how we used it. When my husband questioned her about what we were hearing, she acted shocked “What?? I never said that…”. But we continue to hear her criticisms from reliable people and she has that type of personality. In retrospect, I wish we had just never cashed the check.
ETA: We originally thought she would be thrilled that our kitchen remodel was her gift, because she always criticized our “dated” kitchen and she loves recognition, so we thought she would feel great that everyone knew she paid for it.
How about this: Do what you want, and let MIL bitch as much as she wants. Is it really so much of a burden to bear that your MIL bitches behind your back? Chances are, the folks she is bitching to are sick of hearing her anyway.
So either she’s lying to your face or she has some sort of dementia where she doesn’t remember what she says to people.
She’s either stirring up trouble on purpose or by accident.
Either way, I would ignore it. It was a gift, which means if you’d spent it on a cruise around the world she doesn’t get a say.* For any future gifts (if any are forthcoming) tell her what she wants to hear and let it go.
*Ivylad’s mother gave us a substantial gift last year, but she wanted it spent a certain way, which we were happy to oblige. If this was a gift with no indication on how it was to be spent, she doesn’t get a say once the money is in your account.
You are in a strange situation because the cash was a gift. When I give or receive a cash gift, I don’t tell or expect to be told how the money should be used. If she wanted the cash put away for the kids’ educations she should’ve made her intentions clear. That all being said, I wouldn’t return the money. It was a gift there should’ve been no strings attached and she didn’t give it with instructions. If it’s possible, I would try to ignore her comments and enjoy your new kitchen.
You don’t have to care about her chatter behind your backs.
When others discuss her words with you, you could consider remarking that it was offered and accepted as a gift, but it sometimes seems she was purchasing the freedom to remark on your spending and behaviour. Oh well! (Big shrug!) And then move on. Let it drop. I can’t see how any other response is required.
Just actively decide to not care. If you’re utterly indifferent to her shenanigans she may just drop it, out of lack of anticipated response.
If she’s really unhappy with what you’re doing with that money, let her grow some ovaries and ask for it back. Until then, you do what you want with it. Bitches are gonna bitch no matter what you do.
Everyone does know she paid for it, she is making sure of it.
Rather than come right out and brag about how she paid for your new kitchen, she turns it into a bitch so every knows but they can’t say she is bragging.
Her underlying message is look at me, look at what a great mother (in-law) I am to give my son such a great gift, look at me, see how much money I have, so much that I can give $20,000, I am so rich that I can give away $20,000, look at me, look how unselfish I am, I would have spent the money on my kids tuition rather than on a new kitchen for myself.
No matter what you do she will twist it anyway she can to make herself look good, even if it is at your expense.
My mother does the same kind of shit, I know that game oh so well.
Yep. She doesn’t seem like the kind who will be happy either way. You took the money and she bitched. If you give it back she’ll probably still bitch about how you used it, then bitch even more about how you turned on her. Better to keep it as it is than to start another battle.
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