Sorry if the title isn’t sufficiently explanatory. I wanted to discuss gift giving, and the accusation that someone’s generosity is motivated by a desire to control others.
Specifically, this involves my 3 kids - now in their 20s. In the past, at least a couple of them accused my wife and me of trying to control them with money. I think the common situation was when we said our paying for college was dependent on them attaining certain grades - and sharing their grades with us. At other times I’m sure we said that if they did not wish to comply with our household rules/expectations, and if they weren’t willing to be sufficiently pleasant, they could move out and pay for their own room and board.
Personally, I don’t think such a position inappropriate. I know we were not perfect parents. We did not insist that the kids attend any particular school or study anything specific. Our main goal was that they become self sufficient and as happy as they could be. If they wished to pursue an apprenticeship or other path which would lead to their independence, we would have supported that as an alternative to college. Now, they all graduated without debt, are employed, and live independently. On balance, I’m content that we could have done far worse.
As our kids are all independent, we’ve begun gifting primarily cash. Also, our situations have improved such that the gifts are getting larger (amazing what losing 3 tuition/board bills can do for your net worth!) Just this week, one of our kids chose to tell us some pretty hurtful things - how she does not respect us, we were horrible parents, etc. I’m not sure how this will play out over the long run, but in the short run, we are just about to write 3 pretty sizeable, equal checks to give to the kids for x-mas. This one kid would get another sizeable check for her birthday in January. And we had been discussing putting together and regularly contributing to a college fund for this daughter’s child.
Instead of making this longer, I’ll respond to questions asked. Ought we gift all 3 children equally? In what situations is the charge of trying to control someone through money valid? I don’t think I’m trying to “control” someone when I think that I’m not terribly interested in being generous towards - or sharing my good fortune with - someone who professes not to respect me or appreciate our shared past.
So - whaddya say?