When people mention her comments to you*, look puzzled and say, “That can’t be right–she assured us that she was happy with the kitchen remodel.”
*(Why would anyone do this, anyway? But that’s a different thread.)
People like the MIL assume that any money spent after the gift was given is “theirs”
Ditto.
Nosy in-law - “Mom told us you spent her gift on things she didn’t approve of and you aren’t as grateful as she hoped.”
You - “And?”
NIL - “I just thought you should know what she told us and others.”
You - “Thank you.” (:))
NIL - “Don’t you care she’s saying that?”
You - “No.”
Repeat until NIL never brings it up again b/c they see you don’t care. I’d lay odds word will get back to your MIL (b/c nosy in-laws gossip about and TO everyone) and she’ll blurt something to you that you can work w/ once it’s in the open. OR everyone will drop it. Either case, win-win.
It sounds like you are going to bitched about - whether you return the money or not.
Consider the money as a pre-pay for putting up with this crap from her.
If you’re going to get the bitching, just think “for $20K, I can put up with this crap from her”.
Since the bitching is independent of the money - well, having more cash when putting up with it beats NOT having the money and putting up with it.
I get the impression that she will criticise for the sake of it, whatever you do or don’t do. If she’s doing it to your face, you either turn a deaf ear and change the subject (“Yes, dear, if you say so; seen anything good on TV recently?”) or confront her about it, and is that really worth the bother for what is never likely to change? If she’s bad-mouthing you to other people, chances are they already know her well enough not to be too affected by it, or if they are and they raise it with you, you can just say with a wry smile “It wasn’t quite like that, actually, but you know my mother-in-law…” By the way, is it possible that people who are telling you she’s bad-mouthing you also have their own reasons for stirring up trouble?
The bottom line is, you’ve got the money. She gets to enjoy her whinge, but you don’t have to take any notice.
Returning the money to her would probably cause a lot more drama.
You’ve got enough drama already.
Just ignore it.
Get on with your life: raise your kids, save for their college, and remodel your house the way you want to.
Pretend the $20,000 never happened. Go back to routine.
If in previous years you went to a nice restaurant for the mother-in-law’s birthday, then keep doing so. Invite her to all the usual family stuff for holidays, as usual, etc.
Is it possible that her “bitching” is her way of showing pleasure/taking credit? There are a lot of people who simply cannot be simply happy: it’s bragging, or tempting fate–doubly so for something indulgent, like a kitchen remodel. So she is bragging, she is enjoying the recognition, but when she tells people she has to put in these little barbs to show she isn’t shallow or whatever. But she thinks everyone understands what she’s doing and not to take the negative stuff too seriously–but they see straight up bitching and run to you.
Also, why the fuck are they repeating this shit to you? That’s a toxic habit right there. They should be telling her to be quiet, to quit attaching strings, not stirring shit by passing her comments on.
Keep the money. When your family tale-carriers report on her bitching, smile & say “Bless her heart.”
This.
Do a Michelle Obama – go high.
You can’t do anything about other people’s personalities.
By her a Porsche as a thank you.
Everyone is giving good advice, but susan brings up something important that shouldn’t be overlooked. People bringing this “gossip” back to you are fueling the drama for their own delight (even if they don’t quite realize it). Even if they are trustworthy people, you can’t take their word as an objective representation of what was said. And even if it was, why did they feel the need to share with you and stir the pot.
Keep the money and ignore the 2nd hand reports; you can’t change the MIL’s behavior, and if she is complaining/stealth bragging to other family, well, she will continue to do that about anything that strikes her fancy as long as she lives. It’s not about this gift.
This is one of the things I’m always trying to explain to third graders. “Emily, you know how you heard Caroline say that she didn’t like Sarah? And you’re Sarah’s friend, so you went and told her? Well, now Sarah’s crying, and it’s not because of what Emily said: it’s because of your telling her what Emily said. How did you make the world better by repeating what Emily said?”
It’s a very difficult lesson for some kids, but my hope is they’ll eventually realize to stop repeating the petty bullshit that people say about other people.
Yeah, definitely don’t return it. That’s just going to make it worse. People like your MIL are shameless manipulators. If you return it, she will see it as you publicly shaming her and then, man, are you going to get a shit storm. Well, a heightened behind-your-back shit storm. If you think the character assassination is bad now…
You can’t win. She’s not going to ever let you win. Most important thing is not to play. (Being ignored also drives people like your MIL crazy. So, that’s an upside, IME.) Value those family members who stand by you and see her for what she is. Do your best to ignore the others. Know that when people show you who they are, believe them.
I would recommend not returning the money pronto, but rather, first, writing her a long email or letter of explanation, that the gift should not be strings attached. If, after that, she still persists, then you can return the money, but don’t part with the money just so quickly yet.
Terrible, awful idea. Right or wrong are less important in this instance than having to be a loving family together for the next several decades (probably).
Dear Mother-in-law,
I thought you were being generous when you gave us a check for thousands of dollars but I learned from the gossiping of others you were not. When I asked you about the gossip you lied to me. If you’re going to keep being a jerk behind our backs about the thousands of dollars you gave us, we’re going to give it back to you.
Here’s to our better relationship in the future now that you know I think you have lied and are ungenerous.
Love,
Enola and Family
One of the hardest, most personally frustrating things to learn as an adult is whether one would rather be right and alone or wrong and have people want to be around them. B/c there will be a hundred times one has to decide if they want to be right or if they want to be kind.
Tell her you sent it to a former Nigerian oil minister’s wife.
Regards,
Shodan
For the win!
Regards.
There are a number of reasons your MIL may be saying what she’s saying. She will be profoundly insulted if you return the money.
Maybe send her flowers on her birthday?
Returning the money would be a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. If the behind your back talk bothers you then just politely bring it up with her. “I thought you wanted us to redo the kitchen? What’s this I hear about it bothering you?” But really, it sounds like this is SOP for her, so why bother?
You can have her snarking behind your back with a free kitchen reno or you can have her snark behind your back with a sudden $20k bill. The choice should be obvious.
If you can afford it put the money into a separate account, get a bank card for it and give her the bank card and pin.
Tell her you didn’t realize that she had specific plans for it. Thank her for the thought behind the gift and then don’t talk about it again - ever.
If she gives it back (or never uses it) then you have the cash free and clear.
If she takes the money then all that happened is that you got a remodel that you needed anyway and you know to never accept a gift from her again.
But I don’t really care about burning bridges - of course I don’t have any relatives that can hand out 20 large as a gift either.