You could up the ante and tell her that apparently she’s enjoying ragging on you about how you spent your gift. Suggest she think about how much more self-righteous indignation (aka “fun” to her) she could muster if only she’d give you another large gift.
Two can play this manipulation game and at this point I’d consider the old biddy fair game for a fleecing.
I’m kidding, but only partly.
Family therapists have a useful adage–you can decide to be right, or you can decide to preserve the relationship. Choose your battles based on your goals.
Thinking it over the best solution is to transfer the money to your kids. Tell her you two have thought it over and realized it was selfish of you two to think of luxuries for yourselves when the kids are going to have big expenses starting out it life, whether it is for college or buying a house or starting a family…
If you want to do it this way you might start a new thread asking the best way to do this (presumably you want the kids not to have access to the money until they attain a certain maturity, age 18 or whatever).
That is crap! They have education accounts set up for their kids. It’s not selfish to update your house that the kids also live in. And if grandma wanted to give a 20k gift to the kids she is absolutely free to do so on her frigging own directly.
Agreed.
I don’t think you can please her. Keep the money. Proceed as pleasantly as possible. Try not to engage with family members who bring you the news. If you think it will help, let her know that your kids have college funds set up already.
Generally speaking, once a gift is given it is out of the control of the giver. If your mother-in-law had a specific purpose in mind for it - like a college fund - then she should have acted on that - and set up a college fund. She did no such thing, and you did nothing wrong. Nothing you do now will make things better.
Enjoy your kitchen and just keep swimming.
This was my thought as well. The people bringing it back to you sound like pot-stirrers, not “reliable”. Be cautious with what you say to them.
Spend it all on Hookers and Blow or something else just as pointless and rub her face in it. Thanks ma!
Look at it this way: the cost of a new kitchen was some old biddy talking shit about you to people who don’t matter. Sounds like you got a deal.
I agree with Sahirrnee that this is her stealth-bragging. I don’t think there’s any action for you to take other than to ignore what you’re hearing from other folks as best you can, and to enjoy your kitchen.
If she is complaining then passing that along doesn’t help.
She’s not unpleasant to your face. That’s actually an improvement over a lot of people in this world, my MIL included. I would take her being nice to me in person and being a bitch in private over being a bitch to me. We solved that by simply not having any interactions between her and I.
Tell these “reliable” witnesses to shut up for fuck’s sake already. Your MIL gave you a very generous gift and you can pretend she doesn’t have any other issues. What you can’t do is change her.
If you ignore her, she will probably use it against you as long as she lives. And she will continue to make snide comments to other family members behind your back. Some of these family members may take sides with her and begin to resent you. She is in a comfortable position of power, and you are on the defensive.
My advice? Give it back to her. It will deflate her balloon, which is sorely needed. You will look much better for it, and she will no longer be able to talk crap behind your back.
I had a similar experience about five years ago. My dad was feeling guilty because he never helped me financially when I was in college many years ago, and he gave me a check for $10K. I gave it back to him, and told him to give it to my mother who did help me through college. (My parents divorced when I was very young.)
Yes, the solution is to tell Mother-In-Law that while the kids love the new kitchen, now they’re worried there’s no money for their educations, can Mother-In-Law bail you out and make a big donation to their college funds?
Or you could just ignore the manipulative crapola and move on.
You assume giving it back to her will her stop her lying to others; it won’t. And when those lies get back around to the OP, what’s she going to do - show the gossipers the wire transfer receipt?
Why should the OP care who outside their immediate family will resent them over an untruth? Those people are not important, they’re showing that clearly w/ their actions.
Or, you could give it back and tell her you will wait Intel she dies and spend it as you wish.
That will go ever really well, I’m sure.
Until, dammit. Hate tapatalk.
Just gaslight the whole thing.
“Your mother-in-law is upset you spent her gift on remodeling your kitchen.”
“She must be mistaken. We remodeled the kitchen before she gave us the money.”
“Your mother-in-law is upset you didn’t see her on her birthday.”
“It’s true we didn’t, but we took her out for a birthday dinner that weekend.”
That was my first thought too, and it may well be an appropriate way to view the situation.
However, there is another possibility: perhaps MIL does this kind of shit all the time to everybody, and sharing tales/rolling eyes together about her antics is just everyone else being supportive of each other. If that is the context, then the people passing on her comments are simply bonding over her craziness, not stirring shit.
The OP knows which scenario is more accurate. I’m betting the first (or he wouldn’t be so frustrated about it), but wouldn’t rule out the second entirely.
It’s the latter, CairoCarol. The difference is this: my husband is one of four kids & has always been perceived as the favorite. So while MIL pulls this bs all the time, we have never been the target of it until now. (well she’s done it a little to us, but never to this extreme)
In the past, I have always told my B/SILs to “just ignore her–who cares what she says?”, but now that we are in their shoes, we realize how hurtful & frustrating it is.
But **Manda JO **is right when she says this family is toxic.
Doesn’t have to be dementia, just the main difference between a good liar and a bad one.
That’s the case with the Bros and me re. our mother: some stuff we just roll over and yawn, but when she’s doing something that looks like it can be particularly troublesome we warn each other.
These two things.
She gave you the money. Don’t send it back - that would be by far the most insulting thing you could ever do to her while she’s still alive, and it doesn’t sound like you want her to feel that bad.