Okay, I’m seeking opinions, humble or otherwise. I know what Miss Manners would say so I’m not asking her.
Theres this man in my apt building. We started talking and since I love football, I watch it on the tv in the lobby. He joined me in doing so, gave me money for my birthday, drove me places. In the beginning, I told him I am not wanting a boyfriend for a Long time. I got out of a bad relationship, and there had to be something wrong with me to like the man who is my ex, so I am taking a long time to get my self esteem and respect together and see if I can expect correct treatment from someone I may someday be interested in.
So last week, he took me to a job interview and said what about dating him? I said, no, I told you I am taking a vacation from dating. SO he got in a snit and hasn’t spoken to me since. That’s okay with me, but was I wrong to accept rides and money from him. I did not play him at all.
It depends. Why did he give you the money?
If you were down on your luck, I could possibly see that as just a friendly gesture.
If he was just giving it as a “gift”, then I think he had an end game there that was not simply friendly, and you should not have taken it.
While it’s absolutely not your fault for what others read into your actions and you did make it clear from the beginning that you were not looking for a relationship, so there’s that. On the other hand, he made it clear he’s interested in you. The gifts, the rides, the money all appear to be acts of courtship. If, between the two times he asked you out, he never made any other advances or showed any real interest, he may be genuinely friendly or he may have been attempting to stay out of the friendzone.
In any case, no, you weren’t wrong to accept rides and money from him. He offered it with no strings attached, you accepted the free gifts. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, from his point of view, he may have felt like you were leading him on. That is, he asked you out and, at least the way you phrased it here, you didn’t outright turn him down but instead said you weren’t looking to date right now. It’s easy to read that as ‘ask me again in a few months’.
That’s probably way he threw a fit. In his mind, he did all this stuff for you and you still turned him down.
He’ll get over it in a few days. I think you should stop accepting rides/gifts/money from him. It will make everything a lot easier going forward.
Also, to accept gifts going forward, knowing his intentions, IMO, would be unfair to him.
I feel like either “gift” shouldn’t be in quotes or…[rereads post] or you must have edited this between the time I read it and the time I hit the quote button.
Ninja’d, I guess.
ETA: Yup, edited. That was really strange.
I don’t think accepting money from someone who isn’t a close friend or relative is ever a good idea (and even then…). People attach a lot of emotion/meaning to money… Value, indeed.
Money isn’t like a bunch of flowers, or a lift. It is rarely given freely. You should never take money with the idea that they won’t want something back for it.
Yes, I am not working right now, and was getting paid a few dollars a day by my ex (you can check my other thread for that) and he Said he was doing it because of the crap my ex had done.
You’re not wrong for accepting his offers, but what happened is the typical outcome from accepting these kinds of “gifts”. He was not giving them freely and without any ulterior motives. He was giving you stuff and helping you out because he wanted it to lead to more. Not every guy is like that and sometimes a gift is really a gift, but in cases like these it’s more a way to try to manipulate you into having a romantic relationship. To avoid the uncomfortable outcome and resentment, you should probably be firmer in your refusal and not accept these kinds of offers if there is any doubt.
Taking gifts from men you aren’t interested in
Don’t.
The graped clauses are the crux of the matter:
[ol]
[li]Did you mean that he might be a person you may someday be interested in?[/li][li]Do you think he perceived those statements that way?[/li][/ol]
IMO, it’s OK for a friendzoned guy to give gifts and do favours etc, and it’s OK for that guy to hang onto hope that the relationship may develop into something else, but gifts are not a purchase of a relationship.
It’s not OK to say or imply ‘maybe later’ if you really mean ‘definitely not ever’ (granted, you might not know how you feel at the time).
I have to object to the interpretation “in a snit.” It sounds to me like this gentleman went to great lengths to court you. He gave you what felt to him like a great deal of time, and invested a lot of effort in making himself available and supportive. He tried to show you what a supportive man is like.
I am interested to know whether the emphasis on the gifts is yours or whether it came from something he said in the last conversation. I am guessing that it is coming from your own interpretation.
My hypothesis is that he is not in a snit, but is deeply hurt, and is staying away from you because he needs to deal with his feelings privately. A dysfunctional man would cry in front of you and use your empathy to guilt you into a relationship. A healthy man will not do that.
So there are a lot of possible directions here. I can’t possibly know what is true. Maybe he was showering you with gifts and is truly a sickie who views romantic relations as transactional in nature. And maybe your instincts are telling you “stay away from this one.” You have to follow your instincts in that case.
There is also the possibility that your past interactions with unhealthy men are causing you to misinterpret his respect for your wishes as him being angry or rejecting. He’s doing what you asked him to do, isn’t he?
Can you tell us more about his reaction to your rejection? What was his attitude? Was he aggressive? entitled? Did he mention the gifts? describe “snit” exactly?
If you were truly oblivious to his feelings towards you, then consider this a lesson learned.
If however, you had an inkling, then yeah, I think you know better.
Not that any of this paints him in a great light either. Either he has really low self esteem, or he’s just stupid, or manipulative.
Taking money from friends is rarely a good idea. It’s less problematic between old friends with clear boundaries. It’s never a good idea from a new friend that you had to know was interested in you.
The repeated gifts were the emotional equivalent of asking to just put the tip in. You agreed to that, and it didn’t end up the way he wanted. So he’s predictably upset that you only fell for his manipulations just a little bit, and not all the way. I think as general life advice, it’s better for you (and people in your circumstances) to be more decisive – if you want to go out with him, fine; if you just want to be pals who watch football, keep it at that.
Now, I’m not blaming you for doing something that’s very wrong. I do suggest that there was a better way to handle it, though he may have ended up in a snit anyway, because he sounds like a creep.
He did those things for you hoping you’d date him. That said, you were very clear when you were asked, and it isn’t your fault if he persevered, hoping to whittle you down.
You weren’t wrong to accept friendly gestures, but given his salty reaction to your explanation, I wouldn’t accept any more from this particular guy. If he asks again though, don’t say you’re, “not looking for a boyfriend while I sort out some personal issues.” If you aren’t interested in this guy at all, say you’re just plain not interested. IF you feel safe doing so, that is - I know there’s a fear of being screamed at or physically assaulted while rejecting a man. That’s one reason why so many women use soft rejections and hope the guy just drops the issue. So if you feel safe about it, tell him in no-nonsense terms you aren’t interested, period. Might shut him down for good.
This. And the guy is a jerk. A true, decent person helps someone without an expectation of getting something in return.
OP – If you had a definitely-not-interested-romantically-in-you female friend who was driving you around a lot, would you give her gas money or otherwise try and return the favors? I hope not. Of course you shouldn’t date or sleep with someone you don’t want to, but if you’re not trying to find other ways of making it a mutual back-and-forth friendship, then yes, I think it is wrong to keep accepting gifts.
I think it depends how the money was given. The OP clearly states that there was a single gift of money - for her birthday. This wasn’t helping out with bills or anything. Was it “Oh, it’s your birthday? Here’s a wee something to get yourself something nice with” (as we would say in Scotland)?
And accepting rides isn’t the end of the world. “I’ve got a job interview tomorrow”. “I can give you a lift if you like”. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m not doing anything else, no problem”.
I would do either of the above with a platonic friend of either sex.
Yeah, it’s likely that an opposite-sex friend doing either of the above might be hopeful that things go beyond friendship, but they have no right to get snooty if it doesn’t. Especially when they’ve been told that dating is off the table.
I will give more details. As for reciprocating, once I told him I made me usual cake. he asked me to give him some, so I did. Its just a boxed kind, nothing special. Once I had leftover food from supper which I gave him and he returned my container.
Most of this happened during our tv watching.
He once scratched off lottery tickets and won about 50 and gave me 20. Also the 20 for my birthday. The driving was driving me to the coffee shop, two blocks away, only recently because of the weather.
Once, I told him, Why are you doing this? His reply was “youre my friend, just like the lady at the store down the street is my friend.”
The last drive to my interview, I forgot what started it, I must-ve mentioned my ex boyfriend, and he said What about me? I repeated that I had told him already I didn’t want a relationship for a long time. he then muttered something I couldn’t hear and that was that.
You were not wrong to accept favors freely offered. To offer a free gift with a hidden hook inside is not to provide favors, it’s called fishing. But now you know, so don’t accept any more once he gets over his snit and starts trying to play nice with you again.
Unless you desperately needed the gifts (needed the money; were in a jam and just couldn’t catch a ride from someone else or otherwise get there on your own), I think you should not have accepted the “gifts”.
You told him up front that you weren’t dating and needed a vacation. He kept giving gifts. He then asked you out and got snitty when you said no you’re taking a vacation.
Stay away from this guy. It might be difficult because you did kind of lead him on.
Good thing that you were up front and direct about not wanting to date and needing that vacation. But yeah, stay away from this guy.
Tell friends and neighbors about this so they can keep an eye on you. And on him. Hopefully you won’t need that
Good luck hope it goes well!
Bullett – I’m a guy, and a father of one daughter, she’s 31 (and she has 2 older brothers)