Okay, I’ve already made up my mind not to accept, but I was just wondering what other Dopers would do in my situation, particularly since my friends seem to be divided down the middle.
The background
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 17 months and get along really well with his family. My boyfriend’s family is pretty well off - he drives a new BMW, they live in a nice area, etc.
The situation
My boyfriend’s family is going to England this year and invited me to come along. Before I could reply, his father offered to pay my way. To England. From Australia. Easily several thousand dollars.
The question
I declined, mainly because of the way my parents brought me up. For me, it would be wrong to accept, even if I did want to go (which I don’t, really). However, my boyfriend and most of my friends seem to think it would be alright, predominately because his parents are wealthy.
So what do you guys think? Would you accept or decline, and why?
It would depend on how wealthy we’re talking here. IT might seem like a big deal to you but relative to them the cost of the fare might be just a drop in the bucket. I’d probably accept if I truely like the person I was with.
If I really wanted to go, I’d accept. Some folks are able to afford more elaborate or expensive gifts than others; I don’t think there’s anything wrong with gladly accepting something lavish if it’s given freely, as long as the relationship is healthy and happy.
Incidentally, a friend of mine from Idaho was given a trip to Australia last year, by her boyfriend (who lives there). They desperately wanted to see each other, and he could afford it, so he paid for it as a present. She did feel a little awkward about accepting at first but her own mother encouraged her to let the guy do it, and she ended up having a blast.
I’d like to add to Rosebud’s comments (and others) by saying that if you really want to go, and you accept, you’ll also be allowing your boyfriend’s parents to enjoy the pleasure of giving. Mr. S and I have been in the position of doing generous things, and it diminishes the joy of giving to have one’s offer declined on principle alone. Everyone loses.
If you want to go, then accept their offer with profuse thanks and write them gushy letters while you’re away.
Of course, if you really don’t want to go [sub](Free trip to England from Australia? You’re crazy! IMHO)[/sub] you’ll need to find a way to graciously decline with profuse thanks. Not because it’s too generous, or you don’t want to go, but because you have pressing reasons to stay home or some other neutral reason.
As long as their is no hidden agenda on the parents side, and you want to go, go for it. I mean, it sound slike a family vacation and they would like you to be part of it. And it appears like they have enough money to do generous things like this.
If it’s just that you are uncomfortable accepting their generosity, and I can understand that feeling, then maybe broach the subject with your boyfriend.
but if you don’t want to go, then politely decline.
Pretty wealthy. His father makes minimum $600 an hour (more if he doesn’t like his client) and his mother works as a part time consultant for up to $1000 an hour. They’re definitely not hurting.
Oh whoops! Was probably a bit unclear here, but he doesn’t like family trips and won’t go unless I want to go. It was the same last year when his family went to Asia (or Europe, can’t remember).
So it seems like you guys don’t have a problem with accepting their offer. Hmmm … must have been the way I was brought up. Even if I did accept their kind offer, my parents wouldn’t let me - as a kid they didn’t let me accept 10c from my neighbour when I did a small errand for him either.
Hmm. It’s a no-win situation for his parents, if they really want you and he to go on the trip. You can’t afford it yourself, but you’re unwilling to accept it as a gift from them.
Personally, I might feel slightly odd about accepting, but I probably would accept anyway. To me, it doesn’t really seem like charity. It’s more like, they want you to be there, and they know you can’t afford it, so they’re willing to take care of it. I don’t really see a huge issue. I don’t think you’d be really obligated to them.
That’s just me, though. I also think you’re well within your rights to turn them down, especially as it doesn’t seem to be a big issue with the boyfriend.
I’d be cautious, dear Kayeby. Sometimes you end up paying for these “gifts”. Wanna hear my story?
A few years ago I accepted the offer of an interstate plane trip from someone I though of as a friend. Hadn’t known him long, but he said “you know the city , and I need someone to drive me, would you like to come?” I thought I’d catch up with some old mates after I’d taken him to the gallery he wanted to sell some craft work to, and it’d be swell.
Instead I was a rental-car chauffeur and bag-carrier, and one-person entourage all day. I suppose I could have refused to cooperate, but the thought of a chilly plane ride home made me a coward. After all, I was getting a free trip. I saw my friends for a total of twenty minutes, awkward because of his company, and embarrassed at the whole stupid situation.
Thereafter I avoided his company and the friendship withered.
I think people have more respect for independence.
And you’ll have more leverage if things ever get, y’know, serious. Hehehe
Jeepers Redboss! What a bummer. But how much do you cost - is it just the plane fare? I need someone to carry my luggage round England next month…
To the OP - let me give the other side of the story (well, a vaguely similar situation).
I earn significantly more than my girlfriend - though our backgrounds and families are virtually identical.
When going out, or going on holiday, or just getting on a plane for a weekend somewhere, I usually pay. Not 'coz I want to say “Hey babe, look at me! See me spend my money! You’re all MINE now!”. Not 'coz of some daft sexist ideas. And certainly not 'coz I want her to cart my bags about (though now you’ve given me the idea…:D).
The fact is, I want her to come out when our gang is on the piss. I want her to be there when we go to visit mates abroad. And I certainly want her on holiday with me, as it’s a drag having to shoo all the supermodels away who think I’m single. [sub]I wish[/sub]
So, I sort it out. She knows the deal, but she still usually gets all worried in case I think she’s “taking advantage”. BS, I say - if anyone takes advantage of me, they get the rug pulled out quicker than they know it. Probably not the best consoling words, mind you, but then I am a bloke. Still, you get the point. I pay 'coz that’s the best way to do it. End of story as far as I am concerned.
I usually turn down any offer of gifts or money from people I haven’t known for long. I would let my fiance’s parents pay for dinner… but not for a vacation.
I’m not sure how much you know about them. Some people will use that sort of thing to gain leverage over you. I know one couple who offered to pay for tuition for their daughter’s boyfriend’s university. I would not want to have that hanging over my head if I wanted to break it off, or if we were not doing well, or heck, at family dinner. Yick.
Obviously I’m rather suspicious of people’s motives.
The only time I have ever even taken a substantial amount of money from anyone (it was my fiance) it was because I really needed it. I didn’t want to, but I was in a bind, and he offered, and I still feel guilty.
Scarlett67, you and your husband sound like very nice people. I will henceforth remember to think up a good excuse not to let people pay for me
It comes down to if you truly want to go or not. If you’d feel really uncomfortable about it though, don’t go… you’d be too preoccupied by it to have a good time.
I would probably accept the offer but that’s just me. It sounds to me like they’re just trying to do something nice for you and want to include you in the family. If you really don’t want to go… don’t. If you do want to go… accept and don’t feel guilty. It sounds to me like they want you to be a part of their family and go on a family vacation with them. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I have a kind of standing arrangement with my friends: money not used to pay for bills is used to promote general good times. When I have extra money and my friends don’t, that doesn’t keep us from going out; I promote the good times by paying wherever necessary. And likewise, when I’m low on cash and they’re not, they take up the bill. We’ve all agreed that money spent is not a charity, it’s a means to an end, that end being “fun”. And if a friendship isn’t fun, then what’s the point? (Of course that’s not to say we can’t have fun without money - but we’re not discussing that concept in this thread.)
I see this as his parents wanting a family trip. Son says, “Well, I don’t want to go if Kayeby can’t go.” Parents say, “We really want to spend some time with our son, and he’s been dating this girl for a long time now, we may as well accept that she is in a way an extension of our family. Why not? If she can’t afford it, we’ll gladly pay for her to come along, to promote my son’s enjoyment of the trip as well as to keep our family vacation whole.”
I too was brought up that accepting charity is oogy. But this isn’t really charity, I don’t think - it’s not like they’re saying, “Oh, poor, poor Kayeby, she doesn’t have the money to be a jet-setter like us. Let’s give her a trip to England to see if it steps up her sophistication.” I think they just want their son to have a good time, while at the same time spending time with him, and someone who is very important to him. And it says to me that they feel that if you’re important to him, you’re important to -him- … I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Of course if you’re truly not interested in England (and not just saying that to lessen your disappointment that your sense of pride is keeping you from accepting the trip), or going to England, then that’s a really good reason not to go.
I’d accept. I see this on several levels. For one thing, travel isn’t like they are writing you a check for cash. When you invite someone on a vacation with you, generally it’s as your guest. Granted, this doesn’t happen often (not in my life) but that’d be the general rule, wouldn’t it?
My other perspective: I am the mother of an only child, and we’ve pretty much decided that if he stays an “only,” we’ll invite one of his friends along on our vacations. For his sake and for ours. And you better believe we’re going to pay for that kid’s trip, just like he were one of ours. When he’s older and has a fiance, I think we’d make that same offer. I wouldn’t think she was “taking a handout” if she accepted. I’d feel awful about her shelling out her money to go on a trip that we planned.
I think this is a generous, kind offer. Inviting you along improves their trip (becuase your fiance will go) and, fortunately, they can afford to make the offer.
This is bringing back some offers of free travel I got back when I was in college. I always turned them down. It took me a little longer to get to Germany and I still haven’t seen London, but I feel good about having earned my way myself.
Your boyfriend’s parents can’t very well hold it against you if you say no to this one. If their values are anything like yours or mine they’ll respect you for the decision.
How about proposing something simpler for just you and your boyfriend, like a camping trip, where you could hold up your own end?
