Kayeby, taken strictly at face value, I would decline the offer on the principle that I didn’t want to go to England. I would not decline the offer on the principle that the gift was too lavish. That’s insecure and IMO immature.
Whether the bf chooses to go or not should not be a factor in your decision. In fact, if the bf tells his parents that he’s not going because you won’t, that’s classless and cowardly. If he really doesn’t want to go, he should make sure the parents are aware of that. It seems to me like his parents may be making the offer to you, hoping you’ll accept so they get to have their son along for the trip. If they were aware that the bf doesn’t want to go on the trip they may never have made the offer to you. You haven’t said anything to us that rules out this possibility at least.
If this is the case, you don’t have a decision to make. Your bf needs to be honest with his parents or you need a new bf.
I think they key here is that they offered to pay for you to come with them. This is substantially different than, say, them offereing to pay for a vacation you were taking yourself, which I believe would be inappropriate (both to offer and to accept.) In this case they have offered to absorbed some cost for the pleasure of your company, which is a generous thing to do, but well within the bounds of a reasonably polite gesture. Offering you an expensive gift just because they have a lot of money is tacky, but this isn’t quite the same thing because they get something out of it too. It’s akin to the difference between them buying you lunch, and them giving you $20 to go buy lunch yourself.
I believe it would be appropriate to accept this gift. But if you don’t want to go, don’t go.
Well my parents are migrants to Australia and IMO this anti-‘charity’ attitude is a sort of reaction to the stereotype of Asian migrants bludging off the welfare system. Additionally, my parents - while not having bagfuls of money - dislike appearing less wealthy than others. So to have my boyfriend’s parents pay my way would really upset them.
I think I’ve inherited these values to an extent. I’m not 100% comfortable about accepting such a generous gift, but it’s not my main reason for refusing. Thanks for helping me work it out, guys.
May I add one thing? Since you’ve been dating for 17 months, the important question is, how serious are you? If you’re serious enough that you can see the two of you together for a significant period of time, then I’d say accept with gracious thanks. And one thing that might help would be to pay for a nice dinner for everyone one night. I have trouble accepting things from people, but I’ve learned that sometimes the best thing is to agree. Think on it this way. Don’t you feel good about doing things for other people? Then by accepting, they aren’t going to be thinking, “Boy, that Kayeby is such a freeloader.” They’re going to feel good that they were able to help someone and at the same time get to enjoy the company of you and their son.
They obviously feel you’re important enough to their son to pay for this trip.
I agree that an important issue is :“how serious is this?” If you two are practically married–if you live together, are engaged, or assume that you will be in the very near future, then I say look at the gift as you would look at it as if it were from your own parents. If your parents won the lottery and wanted to pay for a full-family vacation to Europe, would you let them? When they made the offer, would you think that your husband/almost husband counted as part of that family? Because it is the same situation.
However, if by “dating for 18 months” you mean that the two of you meet for lunch twice a week and have sex every other Friday night but are in your won beds by midnight at the latest, then I woud not accept the gift.
You might want to talk it over with your boyfriend. You know, so you can explain how you feel. But if the idea of accepting this offer makes you genuinely uncomfortable, you’re under no obligation to accept.
I visit my bf sometimes. Before I visited last time, he asked me why I never eat at his house. I explained, rather embarassed, that I felt bad eating his food (I was raised to never accept anything from anyone. Sucks, let me tell you). He told me–kindly–that I was being stupid, and even had his mom tell me that, yes, indeed, it was okay if I ate while I was over there. This made me feel a lot better over accepting. A talk might do you good.
Well, it depends what kinda gesture it comes off to you. Do you think they are offering to pay for you because they are very rich and think that they’d help you since you may not be able to afford it on your own. If that’s the case, doesn’t seem right to me to accept the offer.
However, if it’s a gesture out of liking you and and sorta giving you a treat regardless of your financial situation that they perceive and you feel comfortable with that then I don’t see anything wrong with that. Down the road, you can treat them as well in whatever manner you deem appropriate.
I guess, it depends on their intent and nature of gesture and how much you feel comfortable with it.
