I dunno, sounds like a nice guy to me.
This. It’s entirely possible to give casual gifts and aid to friends of other genders - and it’s entirely possible to be in unrequited love with somebody, give them gifts, and not consider acceptance of those gifts to be also accepting some kind of obligation. (I should know.)
If the dude can’t handle a platonic/unrequited relationship, though, then that’s that.
This.
But his reaction is a little beyond as well. Trust me; I was played a time or two. And that isn’t what you did at all from the information given.
Money always comes with strings attached, unless you first discuss those terms.
I will never understand people who are like “haha this stranger gave me some money, do they expect something”? Yes, they do. Only your dad gives free money with no strings attached. Everybody else expects something.
Granted, they should make that clear up front. But so should you.
You were maybe a little naïve to think that he was doing those things and giving you money without expecting something in return, lesson learned by you. He was being a “nice guy” trying to creep into your life and you dodged a bullet by not letting it happen, another lesson learned by you. Good on you for taking a break from your last relationship to figure stuff out, very mature.
Not absolutely sure this guy needs to be tarred with the ‘nice guy’ brush really (although it may be true).
[ul]
[li]OP said some things that implied a door might open later[/li][li]Guy has been in the friend zone, trying to show attention (some of which attention has been in the form of gifts)[/li][li]OP is still not ready for it to escalate (and maybe means it never will but does not appear to have clearly stated that)[/li][li]Guy is disappointed and is sulking about it. it happens. Men have emotions.[/li][/ul]
If the guy thinks he was buying his way into a relationship, that’s stupid and wrong.
If the OP said or implied ‘not right now, maybe later’, but meant ‘never’, that’s naive and wrong.
Fair point.
Just realized I had a sense-changing typo. I meant to say, even if romantic attraction was completely not an issue either way, if someone was doing you favors, I certainly hope you would try and do something in return. For that matter, even if you are dating someone, I hope you wouldn’t just be taking money and rides without trying to do things in return.
I don’t know that either of you did anything wrong.
Emphasis added.
You have a superficial interest in common (football). He wants to date you. You tell him that you don’t want to date anyone for a long time, and until you find someone who will give you correct treatment.
So, for what was a long time (at least for him) he courts you, and shows you what he considers “correct treatment” - giving you rides, giving you money for your birthday, etc. Then he tries again, to see if that is a long enough time and if you agree that it is correct treatment. For whatever reason (and you don’t have to defend your reason) you don’t want to date him. So, he decides to cut his losses and stop trying to date you, which means he isn’t going to try to show you that he will treat you correctly when you date.
I don’t think you led him on, or played him. It may have been a little naive to think he was doing this out of platonic friendship - IOW this
was untrue. He was doing it to try to get you to date him.
It didn’t work, but that’s not your fault or his fault.
What you do from now on is different, IMO. Because now you know that he wants a romantic relationship, and if you say “can we still be friends” and he says “Yes” he’s lying and you ought to know it.
Accepting more rides, or presents, especially money, from him, doesn’t obligate you to date him. But it is still not right for you to do.
This is his way of courting you. If he continues to treat you this way, he is courting you. If you don’t want him to court you, the correct answer is NOT “I am taking a vacation from dating”, because vacations end after a while. The correct answer is “I am not going to date you”. If that means he stops giving you rides and money, that communicates “no, we are not going to be platonic friends” and the acquaintance dies a natural death.
Regards,
Shodan
OP.
- He wanted tp date you.
- You didn’t/don’t want to date him
That is your right. You do not need to explain it to anyone.
- You want to still be friends
- He doesn’t.
That is his right. He does not need to explain it to anyone.
He seems to have accepted that there is no prospect of a relationship. You need to accept there is unlikely to be a prospect of friendship.
I also think people are being unfairly hard on you. I think “led on” is too harsh. You were fairly clear what your position was. Accepting gifts was not the best idea but its hard getting it right and not being rude. So don’t judge yourself.
To be fair, when the OP says “…he got in a snit and hasn’t spoken to me since. That’s okay with me…”, it doesn’t really sound like she cares if they are friends or not.
As Miss Manners would have said. Thank you. I have learned my lesson, never accept money from a man who might be interested in you.
Suntan- Good luck I hope you get to watch the SUper Bowl in peace with friend(s), sharing food and drink.
Here’s how I look at it, I wouldn’t call 20 bucks and a lift to the local coffee house “gifts” with the connotation they’re wrapped in mystery and manipualtion - But I guess we’re supposed to be supicious. Beware you don’t lead him on, beware he doesn’t take it the wrong way, beware, he may have a snit, beware he may be a stalker. So we put the onus on women to announce our “availablility” or wear a wedding band just so the dude how to conduct himself…THis is what women and girls have to deal with, especially when unaccompanied, that there is no such thing as helping someone out for altruistic reasons.
I’m hearing she was wrong to accept a few minor tokens of goodwill and that the dude’s most likely a creep. Guys how about backing off, and not offer unsolicited favors to unfamiliar women just to work an angle that may lead to a future piece of ass.
But if I’m not going to get a piece of ass, why on earth should I be nice to anybody?
If women would like to be more proactive, to find a man that they want to pursue a relationship with, discern his availability, declare their intentions, and risk the pain and frustration of rejection, I don’t think anything is stopping them.
If it’s a one time thing you could donate the money to charity if you don’t need it.
There are plenty of guys backing off and not offering unsolicited favors to women. They ones who do want something. Yeah, people suck.
Why can’t a woman say “not now, maybe later” and be taken at her word? Maybe that really is what she meant. Not now. And “later” unspecified because she doesn’t know how long the “relationship vacation” is going to last.
I’m sort of in that position right now: still mourning the man I was married to for 30 years, not at all ready to start dating, but I’m middle-aged, not dead as they say. Nor can I give a time frame for how long this state will go on. Pretty sure I’ll still be there next week, but two years from now? Who knows?
I’ve got three gentlemen who have shown interest in me. I am very concerned about two of them getting the wrong idea (one is a neighbor, one is a co-worker). They’re good sorts, but I’m not interested in what they want right now. How do I make it clear that I’m rejecting the relationship and not them as people? I have to interact with these two at least occasionally and I’ve done my best to keep it polite but distant.
(Number three is someone my husband and I knew for decades, who is in the process of going through either a divorce or legal separation from his wife - he’s smart enough to not want to add complications to what is already complicated so that is, in some ways, less of a minefield. We’ve also explicitly discussed the limits of our current relationship in frank terms.)
But, according to you, if I say “not now, maybe later” I’m being naive and wrong. WTF? I either have to date/put out immediately or swear an eternal oath of celibacy?
All of which tempts me to swear an eternal oath of celibacy just to escape this bullshit.
^ This I can get behind.
You can’t always stay “just friends”. In which case be polite when encountering this acquaintance socially but don’t expect the perks of friendship.
No reason at all. If he’s interested, he’ll probably keep trying. Don’t act surprised.
False. let’s take a look at what I actually said, with some additional emphasis on a part you appear not to have noticed: