Ask the woman with schizoid personality disorder

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Schizoid Personality Disorder

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines schizoid personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster A) as:[27]

Two years ago, when I was seeking treatment for what my primary care physician thought was dysthymia (and then escalated to major depression), I was diagnosed with schizoid PD. It was one of those “bam!!” in your face moments when up becomes down, and you suddenly feel like you’ve been jerked out of the matrix or something. Many people who get a diagnosis of schizoid PD feel like, “Yeah, I knew all along”. But not me. Perusing the web one day, I stumbled across a page about PDs. I read the description for schizoid PD and passed over it. I thought if I had a PD, it was probably avoidant or something. But not schizoidism. But I didn’t think I was avoidant either.

And then half a year of therapy passed and certain patterns were starting to emerge. I realized that my whole life has never really been "normal"and that the things my therapist were talking about as benchmarks of mental health were not only unimaginable to me, but totally unwanted. In fact, the idea of having friends and boyfriends made me feel even more suicidal. I returned to the web and took another look at the DSM. Suddenly, BAM! The pieces fell into place.

The strange fantasies about everyone one in the world vaporizing in a nuclear holocaust except for me.

The resentment and stress I feel when people try to befriend me or try to convince me to do things with them.

The emotional difficulties. I have a very hard time dealing anger, both my own and others. But it’s weird; multiple people have described me as emotionless even though I feel like I’m smiling and laughing just like everyone else. Shortly after I was pinned with the PD diagnosis, I got another one from a psychiatrist. Alexithymia, which means you have a hard time putting words to emotions. If I have this, I think I have a mild form. I know when I’m really angry and really sad. But often I have to ask how other people would feel in a given situation for me to be able to understand how I’m feeling.

I’m close to my twin sister. We talk about once every two weeks. But she’d be the first to admit that we aren’t confidents as you would expect twins to be. There are certain topics that I just cannot comprehend or contribute to. She’s my best friend, though. Without her, I wouldn’t really have one.

Most importantly, I do not have sexual desires. I have no been attracted to anyone physically or emotionally. Ever. Sex is so unbelievable and foreign to me that sometimes I think, “People actually do that?!” Because we live in a very sexualized society, where everyone is either mated to someone or dating someone or talking about doing either, I often feel like an alien. The alienation drives me to things that make sense to me, like growing and learning about plants and arts and crafts.

I never feel lonely. I might feel bored, but I have never desired the company of others. I also cannot remember ever missing anyone for an emotional reason. The only time I remember wishing my workaholic mother was home instead of at a conference was when I needed help with my homework. But I don’t recall ever hungering for her presence.

Probably the only thing in the DSM that doesn’t fit 100% is the “appears indifferent to praise and criticism”. That one is context-specific. If someone who I don’t respect praises me, or I think someone’s just blowing smoke up my skirt, then yeah, I’m pretty indifferent. But if it’s someone who I think has good judgement of character and no reason to lie, then I do feel honored. Criticism is kind of the same way. Most of the things I get criticized about don’t bother me (my style of dress, the way I speak, my physical awkwardness). But if someone says something that denigrates my competency or work ethic, then that will probably get under my skin.

So I’ve provided some background. Ask away, if you care.

2

So, why are you here?

What makes you desire the intellectual and social exchange of a message board when you have no parallel desire in real life?

3

Huh. I’d heard the term before but I never knew what the disorder was, so thanks for educating. And wow, you are almost my complete opposite. Interesting.

Is it related to schizophrenia? You don’t have psychotics breaks or “episodes”, right? How do you get along at work and with the rest of your family besides your sister? Are you identical?

4

My family once thought I might have Asperger’s. They took me to get diagnosed and the professional diagnosed me with Schizoid Personality Disorder. They were all wrong.

5

I like learning and I learn a lot by being here. When someone has a problem that I can emphathize with, I also like that because I often feel so unempathetic in real life.

I also get a lot of advice here. I have shared just about every social trial and tribulation that I’ve dealt with for the past eight years here on the Dope because I don’t have real life friends that I can unload on. And my poor sister can only take so much. :slight_smile:

In real life, conversations are much different than on the internet. In real life, you don’t have time to consider what you want to say and formulate your thoughts so that you can speak intelligently. My speech fluctuates between eloquence and being extremely halted and incomprehensible, depending on what I’m talking about (if I’m talking about my personal life, the latter is usually the case). I have lots of typos sometimes, but most times I sound intelligent from my key board. Also, most real life conversations, even amongst friends, are very superficial. Sports. Housewives of Atlanta. Which guys in the office are “hot”. I have some tolerance for that kind of stuff, but it really tires me out after a short time. On a message board, you can pick and choose what topics you want to “listen” to and participate in. Who wouldn’t like that?

6

I seem to remember someone else having a schitzoid personality here. Have you ever talked to them? I’m sure you could find a lot to empathize with them as well.

If not, I’m hoping someone remembers the guy’s name.

7

There is a very low but significant relationship between schizophrenia and schizoid PD. Many schizophrenics are described as having had schizoid characters before developing the disease, but most schizoids do not develop schizophrenia. In my case, I would not be surprised if I have an elevated risk. I had a paternal uncle with severe schizophrenia and a first cousin on the same side of the family with either schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (it was probably schizoaffective disorder). He ultimately committed suicide. I have another sister with bipolar disorder, though I don’t know frequently she has episodes. Genetic and neurological studies have demonstrated a link between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. and in fact they often treated with similar medications. Anxiety and depression and addictive personalities are also wrife on my dad’s side of the family.

As far as I know, I have never had a break. But what would be minor stress to most people (like unwanted sexual advances, for instance), can send me rapidly into suicidal mode. But most stress unfazes me. I am not afraid of walking the streets at night, riding my bike up and down the streets of Manhattan (which I used to do a lot,), public speaking, or even working in alligator-infested waters. So really, interpersonal stress is the only thing that causes me to freak out. Otherwise I’m perfectly normal. :slight_smile:

I get along fine at work. I’ve been labeled as quiet and introverted and “quirky”, but only one person has gone beyond that and questioned my sanity (and if you ask me, she’s the crazy one!) I have obsessive-compulsive symptoms with tag-along bizarre body movements, so sometimes that makes me stick out like a sore thumb. Well-intentioned people will say, all tender-like, “Are you doing okay? I’m worried about you.” Gag me with a spoon. :smiley: I have to launch into this long explanation about how I’m fine, that it’s a neurological thing that I’ve dealt with a while and usually hide successfully, and that I feel no pain. But people still say the “I’m worried about you” stuff. I don’t know if it’s genuine or fake. I think it’s fake, but of course I don’t say so.

Family is fine, as far as I know. I just recently felt comfortable enough to tell my mother about my diagnosis. She said something like, “Well, we all make choices…” and I had to correct her and say my personality wasn’t a choice. But otherwise she was understanding and said that as long as I was happy, she was happy. I don’t know if I’m happy, because every time I think the depression thing has gone away it comes back, but I’ve made peace with schizoid PD. I don’t use it to make exuses and I have purposefully pushed the envelop (like I just came back from a spontaneous trip to San Francisco). But I no longer hate myself for not being “normal” anymore. I have come to understand my limitations and not expect too much of myself. And to also stick up for myself when well-intentioned people tell me I need to “get out more” or try to fix me up with someone.

My twin is fraternal. We are not total opposites. Both of us are introverted; it’s just that I’m pathologically so and she isn’t. As far as I know, she has reached all the benchmarks of normal adulthood. I don’t know why we came out so different. Maybe she ate more of her vegetables than I did as a kid. :slight_smile:

8

What’s it feel like to have Alexithymia? :stuck_out_tongue: I think I am an exceptionally well adjusted person but I often have a very difficult time explaining to people how I’m feeling. Have you learned any coping techniques or how to deal with it? When you say putting to words emotions, does that mean you always know how you feel but can’t reduce it to words for others or is there confusion even internally?

9

I have gone to a multitude of docs. None of have told me that I am on the autisim spectrum, though they have prescribed me with the same drugs given to autistic people because of my obsessive thoughts and movement problems. I have to admit to wondering if I have Asperger’s, especially given the repetitive thoughts and my life-long fixations with objects, but decided that I would never know the absolute truth because it would require digging up childhood memories that I do not have. Also, I don’t think I have problems making friends. It’s actually wanting friends that I have difficulty with.

But I do know I fit the diagnosis for schizoidism, so that seems like the more parsimonious explanation.

10

Most times it means I don’t know how I feel. My therapist has this chart with cartoon faces exhibiting about thirty different emotions, and she’ll ask me to point to the one that best describes what I’m feeling. I can never find “me” on the chart. I’ll have to ask her what she’s feeling and then see if that describes anything close to what I’m feeling. Sometimes she’ll guess my emotional state for me and then I’ll tweak it a little. Sometimes I’ll say I’m not sad, and then she’ll hold a mirror in front of me and say I sure look like it. So there’s a weak to moderate disconnect between my emotional state and my consciousness.

One of my doctors assumed I was an anxious person because I often look up the side-effects of certain drugs and refuse to take them based on what they are (tardive dyskinisia is a no-go for me). That’s not anxiety; that’s being a conscientious patient. I told him I did not think I was anxious, but of course he prescribed an anti-anxiety med. And of course I did not take it. I have asked my therapist numerous times what anxiety feels like, and I know that I don’t often experience those physical sensations.

Occassionaly it means I do know what I’m feeling but I can’t explain where the source is coming from.

11

Psychiatrists are fond of labels, and DSM4 be damned if they can’t squeeze you into one. I, too, was diagnosed with a multitude of mental illnesses, including SPD.

@Monstro,

Politically, how would you describe yourself?

And, what do you do for a living?

12

Oddly enough, none of my doctors (it’s not like I’ve had a ton, but I have been to multiple ones) have been label-happy. My psychotherapist’s official diagnosis is chronic depression, although my schizoidism frequently comes up. She kept her suspicions about my PD secret for a long time, so it wasn’t like she diagnosed me with it the moment I took the MMPI-II (the standard psychometric personality test). I think the focus on depression is for insurance purposes. PDs are considered pre-existing, untractable conditions by many insurance companies, so they often refuse to pay for their treatment.

None of the psychiatrists have pinned a formal label on me except for depression, though they’ve thrown a pharmacy of drugs at me. Drugs designed to treat everything from epilepsy to schizophrenia to ADHD. One of the nurse practioners who wrote me a 'script told me that “a lot of different disorders can be helped with the same drugs, so that’s why we don’t spend a lot of time with diagnoses”. The cynical part of me thinks they just don’t know what the hell they’re doing. But at least, I suppose, they’re trying to help.

I’m pretty liberal. I don’t care what other people do as long as it doesn’t bother me. I don’t get real passionate about politics, except when things are just blatantly wrong and people are defending it. I don’t like any “-ism” because I consider myself a rational person. “Morals and values” are nebulous concepts to me, but “nice people” and “mean people” are very clear-cut.

I’m an environmental scientist who works for the state. I will be promoted this December, so yay me.

13

Thanks for explaining, I was wondering the same thing when I read your OP.

14

While you can get fakes at this like you can at other things, my experience with Americans is that the immense majority would find it a terrible invasion of privacy to ask about someone else’s health and mean it. Same as Americans say “how are you?” (or similar) and mean “hello” instead of “please give me a brief synopsis of the current status of your life”, you know. If they’re asking, either they

  • really are worried enough about you and view you as enough of a friend to dare ask,
  • are from a subgroup (from Southerners to Chinese-Americans to recent immigrants) where “concern for your neighbor” is considered a positive trait, and therefore ask sooner than a Standard American would,
  • are from one of these groups and doing it because it’s socially polite in their circles rather than out of genuine concern, but will still do their best to help you if they can - again, because that’s how their momma raised them,
  • or are bad enough at social stuff themselves that they never caught on the notion that “you’re not supposed to ask”. Again, the concern would be genuine.

From what I know about you and your social environment, I think the second option is the most likely.

15

I find it invasive, Nava, even if if they are genuine. Like it’s an attempt to needle info out of me.

Also, it makes me feel like my slip is constantly showing and that I’m not doing a good job of “being like everyone else”. Like, what is that is that I’m doing that’s worrying them? I feel like it would be an invasion of their privacy to ask them, so I don’t.

Seems like if they were all churned up inside with worrying, that instead of bumming me out by telling me (and possibly giving me a complex), they would do something nice. Like buy me a Coke or something. Actions mean a lot more to me than words.

16

I wasn’t trying to tell you to feel nice about it, just trying to answer your own question.

They are trying to do something for you. It’s not something you want done. Fair enough.

17

Do you feel as though your aversion to relationships is motivated by anxiety?

If you met someone in real life who in no uncertain terms had a similar outlook on life as you, do you feel as though you would be more emotionally or intellectually attracted to that person than for other random people?

18

Have you ever had a significant other (I hate that phrasing) in your life?

Do you believe you will ever acquire the desire to have one?

Do you *wish *you had the desire to have one?
mmm

19

I think it seems fake to me because I can’t imagine myself actually worrying about them. That sounds really really bad, I know, but it’s true. If all of my coworkers suddenly disappeared tomorrow, I would probably say to myself “that’s kinda messed up” and then go on to check my email. So perhaps it’s lack of empathy for their empathy that explains why I’m bothered by their (probably) well-intentioned comments.

Relationships generate anxiety in me, so that makes them unpleasant and things to avoid. But it’s not the type of anxiety that a social phobic has, where they are anxious even before the interaction begins. I’m only mildly shy–I’ve gotten more out-going as I’ve gotten older. I have no problems with small talk. I never feel self-conscious, even when I probably should. The anxiety creeps in when I realize I’ve gotten in over my head and don’t know how to back out gracefully.

It’s gotten me in trouble, as another thread in this forum illustrates. I initially present as a “normal” person socially. I know what to say to break the ice and make people feel at ease around me. People, especially quiet, nerdy types, seem to find me approachable and then try to get closer. But then I push them away because it doesn’t take too much for someone to breach my personal boundaries. An invitation to a party is enough for me not to want to be around that person anymore. I know it’s strange and not beyond my control to change, but that’s just how it is for me.

I do not know. I can’t conceive of “attraction”, of wanting to be around a person all the time and having them in my headspace all the time. I imagine I could probably form a friendship with someone with a similar character style–like a relationship where we might hook up maybe once a month to catch a movie and go out to eat afterwards. Those are two things I do alone all the time, but I admit they are more fun to do when you are with someone else. But anything beyond that would be too much. A person wanting a long-term relationship with me would absolutely need to understand that.

No, I’ve never had an SO.

I don’t want one either. The stress involved in acquiring and maintaining one just seems to be too much for it to be worth it. The lack of libido also makes this a non-issue for me.

The last question is trickier. I would like to have desire for love and not freak out everytime it comes close. Everyone always talks about how wonderful it is, and it seems like I’m missing out. So yeah, I guess I do wish I had the desire. It would make me feel not so weird sometimes.

20

I dunno, Monstro. You sound pretty well-adjusted to me.

You’re straightforward and seem to have pretty good insight. You own your strengths and weaknesses. I don’t hear any excuse-making or whining.

I know several people with Schizoid PD and, while their lives don’t look like ones I’d like for myself, the important thing is that they are satisfied with them.

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to keep optimum emotional health and that your work life is progressing. That’s all any of us can do.

Do you really want to call yourself Monstro? Maybe it doesn’t fit at all.