And I think I just realized why…
I don’t get love. I don’t get caring about someone. I don’t understand how anyone could love, everything about it is alien to me. Put their needs before your own? Care about whether or not they’re alive tomorrow? Care if they’re upset with you about something, once you have nothing more to gain from them? Why? It doesn’t make sense to me. This realization came about from reading the “Why do you love your SO?” thread…nothing in it makes sense. I can’t even imagine myself deciding that it would be a good idea to do much of anything mentioned in that thread. Unless, of course, I wanted to manipulate someone into loving me.
Add that to what I already knew about myself, that I never talk to anyone about my emotions, and, well, you get no friends. The other person has nothing to connect with.
Are you cool with that? If you’re happy with the way your life is and the way you are, I don’t see any reason to change. How’s that working out for you, is what you need to ask yourself. If it’s not working, maybe you should see somebody for an assessment and treatment plan.
Can sociopaths change, though? Or feel ‘bad’ about being sociopaths?
For the OP- even if you don’t get it, do you ever fake it for selfish reasons (‘I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine’)? Because every single thing a good friend does isn’t out purely out of the goodness of their heart. Occasionally it’s more duty than empathy.
My statement was, of course, made with the assumption that the OP’s not hurting anyone else. Just being a sociopath is not a crime- it’s still one’s actions that count.
Autism and related spectrum disorders are what first came to my mind on reading the OP. I’m sure there are many others, and very few that could be diagnosed on a message board. Have you seen anybody, ever, OP?
I can say without a doubt that I’m not a sociopath…I don’t hurt people. I don’t like hurting people, actually, I’d rather people around me had a good time. That said…I don’t really care about them after they’re gone. I could never speak to anyone I’ve ever known and, well, it wouldn’t affect me; I wouldn’t be sad, I wouldn’t be happy.
I think my last sentence covers that.
Plus, I’ll consider helping anyone who asks. It depends on what they’re asking for, but I’ll spend hours of my own time helping, for no reason. Not because I want them to help me in the future, but just because. I never call in favors.
Twice. Completely and entirely useless both times. The first was by force, the second was curiosity.
I highly doubt autism, or related disorders. While I’m fairly sure myself, I think it would have been readily apparent to either of the people I’ve seen, if I were.
As for if it’s working out for me…well, yes and no. I can continue as I am, but I can’t help but think I’m missing something.
While I think I might be missing something, well, it’s far too much work, for questionable gain, to act as though I care. Much, much easier to just be there but distant. In other words, If you need something, ask, but don’t expect me to call you up and find out how you’re doing, since I don’t care.
I have a much simpler theory. First though, a question for the OP. Are you under 25 years old?
This is from my own observation, not from psychology theory.
People, men more than women, but not exclusively men, don’t develop a sense of altruism until they have matured a bit.
Love requires the selflessness of altruism.
Teens and young adults need to be selfish. We have to be able to love ourselves before we can expect anyone else to love us.
No matter what your age, if you haven’t learned to like and love the person inside your skin, you need to work on that first.
I see what you’re saying, but teens and young adults can, and do engage in activities just fine in which the OP “doesn’t get”. For example, teens and young adults quite often call each other to “see what’s up”, “how are you doing today?”, and “hey, lets get some ice cream!” For the OP, I suspect, these calls would be a completely pointless endeavor. He would be able to clarify that though. As for love itself, the OP is indifferent to it. Much of which teens and young adults are infatuated with.
You’re definitely missing something. I can empathize with your mindset, because I’m very much a loner myself. I’ve spent long stretches of my adult life without much contact with other people, and I’m quite content to be entirely alone for weeks or months at a time.
However, at the moment I’m happily married and have two children that I care a great deal about and I have to say that as messy and complicated as being connected to others is, it does have benefits. Still, it’s not like I’ve got oodles of friends. The small emotional circle that I have is more than enough for me.
I don’t think you’re entirely happy with your situation … otherwise you wouldn’t have started this thread. Consider this: Connecting with others may be hard work, but so are all types of personal growth. If you want to become physically stronger, you have to suffer through the hard work of exercise. If you want to become mentally stronger, you have to do the hard work of studying. If you do decide to try harder to reach out to others, remember that the goal isn’t to get something from THEM, but to expand your own capabilities.
Here’s a metaphor I use sometimes to describe to others what it’s like to be me. I say it’s a bit like having emotional leprosy. As lepers lose feeling in their extremities they have to learn how to perform a visual inspection of their bodies to make sure they don’t accidentally injure themselves. They substitute a trained, conscious process for something that should be instinctive and automatic. When I’m in a social situation I’m performing something similar to what a leper does – I make a very committed effort to consciously keep on top of what’s going on around me socially. If I don’t do it I quickly lose track of the emotional thread of the situation and say something stupid or awkward. I can’t count on my instincts, so I make up for it with my intellect.
Why make the effort you might ask? Why do cripples train for wheelchair marathons instead of just sitting around watching TV? The question you have to ask yourself is how much you are willing to allow your disability define you? And how much are you willing to do to transcend it?
I believe the “I don’t get it” is a cover for fear of rejection or worse, ridicule. The egocentrism of youth sometimes translates to something bordering on paranoia. “I can’t go out with this zit, everyone will laugh!” When, in fact, no one really notices, since they’re just as worried about their own perceived short-comings.
I agree that the majority of teens and young adults interact just fine. Even so, their interactions are still based, more or less on that innate selfishness.
I got depression about five years ago, and since then, I have had no interest in other people. It doesn’t concern me.
All my life I have found it very difficult to relate to other people (due possibly to a traumatic event in my childhood). In the past I felt lonely. Now I don’t care.
I, too, have never talked about my emotions.
Due to the above similarities, maybe the OP has had a bad time in his/her past; maybe he/she has/had depression…
Medical help in the form of a doctor or psychiatrist if the OP is concerned might be useful, but life can go on in a solitary fashion.
As to missing out: I’ve often wondered about that. People seem to enjoy successful relationships, so those of us without them probably *are *missing out.