Changing my personality

In My Humble Opinion
1

Disclaimer: I realize that I am asking for opinions over an internet message board, and I am aware of what that entails.

I’m starting this thread because I don’t like my personality at the moment, and also because there are a few traits which make me, shall we say, unacceptable. I’m looking to change those traits, and I’m asking for help identifying them, and tips on how to go about changing them. (and thus the reason I posted in IMHO)

So I suppose this is when I list the traits I feel I have:

(1) I’m impulsive. Not really, I alternate between extremes; I’m either impulsive or indecisive. For example, I can spend hours analyzing a simple decision (what food to buy) in the end, however, it’s all for naught since nothing pulls me one way or the other. Decisions then come down to a flip of a coin. Of course, there are a few decisions where I know what I’m going to choose without having to think about it.

(2) I’m never happy. Maybe I am happy sometimes; if so, I can’t recognize it.

(3) I’m extremely passive. Think Adam Sandler at the start of Anger Management passive, but worse.

(4) I have a, relatively, slow wit. Give me 5 minutes and I’ll come up with a good retort, but I got nothin’ until then.

(5) I tend to be paranoid. It’s only recently that I’ve allowed myself to even begin to analyze my personality. Because no one can know how I feel…not even me (after all, then the voices could predict my actions!)

(6) I refer to myself both as ‘we’ and me. Sometimes, like “we shall make this post, shan’t we?”
(Not really a personality trait, now that I think about it)

(7) I am not shy. I have no problem opening a conversation with someone as long as the topic stays ‘safe’.

(8) Emotionally stable. For the most part, I very rarely feel something other than what normal. And when I do, it promptly gets told to go away.

(9) I’m sometimes whiney…see the other thread I started for details. It passes though.

(10) Fiercely loyal. If I count someone among my friends, there is nothing that I won’t back them on.

(11) Almost any topic is a subject for humor (and the humor sometimes…off color). For example, I’ll crack a joke about how the terrorists should have used butter knives to cut off that guy’s head. The only topics that are off-limits are sexual and racial jokes.

(12) I can generally figure out when (11) would not be appreciated. I’ll still have the thought, but I won’t say it.

(13) I don’t do sympathy very well. Oh, your friend died? “That’s too bad” is about all I can think of.

(14) I enjoy taunting people and animals. Never actually hurting but…say, holding a treat just out of reach of a dog.

(15) I get bored often/easily. Or maybe I just burn out?

(16) I’m intelligent. (or so they say :wink:

(17) I tend to be obsessive. If I allow myself to want something, then the only way I stop wanting is by forcing it out of my thoughts. I am successful at pushing it out of my thoughts though.

(18) I tend to watch, not participate.

(19) I am a mild perfectionist. If something is worth doing, then it is worth doing to the best of my ability. If it’s not worth doing…then who gives a crap?

(20) I lie (more, avoid) about ‘little’ things, when it would take quite a bit of time to explain the situation. If pressed, I’ll explain more fully.

(21) I’m honest about ‘big’ things. For example, I would have no problem telling someone, on a date, that I have never been on a date before. (provided it were true)

(22) I’m generally helpful, unless it seems that my help is being ignored or I’m doing someone’s work for them.

I’m sure there are more that have slipped my mind, and one will probably occur to me seconds after I hit the ‘submit new thread’ button :wink:

Lest you think that I haven’t thought about this at all, or that I’m just starting a thread to whine about myself some more…There are certain traits which I have identified as Bad. However, I am not going to initially post them because I want to see how my identification matches up with other people’s.

Feel free to ask me any questions. I’ll try to answer them.

Again, I’m asking for which traits you feel must be changed for my personality to be acceptable. (acceptable being far from normal)
I’m also looking for any thoughts/tips on how to change those traits…or am I just SOL ;)?

2

Sounds to me like your major flaw is dwelling gloomily on your perceived personality flaws. Maybe try to find something to take your mind off it, or you may come across as a bit self-absorbed which isn’t usually very appealing. But as for most of your list, it looks pretty normal - except perhaps the bits about teasing people/animals, and telling unpleasant jokes could be the response of someone who’s a bit down on themselves ‘lashing out’. So that’s probably something you could look at changing.

But otherwise, my diagnosis would be boredom/mild depression, and I would prescribe something-to-occupy-yourself-other-than-yourself.

3

I “diagnose” you as suffering from “Too much time on hands.”

Seriously, microanalyzing your personality is almost never a useful exercise, mostly because you’re not objective. If you really feel like you need some more insight into your personality, I would suggest a couple of sessions with a counselor of some sort - they can’t help you “change” your personality, but they may be able to help you gain some insight into why you do things you do.

Regarding your list, depending on your age, all of them seem pretty standard. I suppose if you’re 45 and get off on teasing puppies, that’s a bit worrying, but if you’re in your late teens/early 20’s, which is how your post reads, I would say it’s all pretty par for the course.

4

No one can tell you how to change your personality, but it IS possible to change. I’ve done it. I just identified parts of myself I wanted to change, then I changed them. Its not especially difficult, or a hard concept to understand.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say I disagree with the previous poster who said overanalyzing your poersonality isn’t a useful exercise. Of course it is! I’ve done things that disappointed myself, and when I realized what I was doing that pissed myself off, I stopped doing them. As a result, I’m much happier and more comfortable in my own skin.

I wish I was more confrontational and less of a doormat. I’m trying to fix that right now, and making pretty good progress. No one could have told me to change that until I analyzed the situation and decided it needed to be changed.

5

(bolding mine)

Not to speak for Alice, but I think the key word here is overanalyzing. Which I agree with.

I also agree with you though. Aint’ noth’n wrong with inflection.

6

Shouldn’t you be moaning in your Livejournal or something? :wink:

7

I guess I don’t see how you can be paranoid, indecisive/impulsive, lack empathy, and most of all lack affect (no feelings pos or neg), and still consider yourself (8) “Emotionally stable.”

Honestly, you sound like you are living a life of quiet desperation. See some kind of counsellor for professional assistance. If you have no interest in medication, see an MSW (Master of Social Work) or a Psychologist. They are not licenced to dispense anything but advice.

8

But then I didn’t answer your question, did I?

The issues you most need to address IMHO would be:

  • your lack of empathy for people or things you deem “below you” (animals and apparently some people)
  • your apparently persistent and encompassing depression
  • your paranoia

All these point to an inability to connect with others. Without some sort of support system your ideas are going to get stranger and stranger.

And don’t tell me “I have friends.” Obviously, you don’t think anyone knows the “real you” including maybe yourself.

9

First off, there are some traits I have decided I don’t like. I am going to change those, but I’m not yet sure how. Most of the things I listed I’m perfectly fine with, I just listed them in case someone else had a different opinion. Or was I second guessing myself? :wink:

The reason I’m dwelling on my perceived personality flaws is that I don’t like how things are going right now and I’m looking for the cause. I have come to the conclusion that the cause is my personality, and so I’m trying to figure out what it is about my personality that is causing problems.

I never said the animals I taunted were below me. I just love the look in their eyes when they expect something and then don’t get it. The same goes for people, though I hate to disappoint, so I try not to be the cause.

Depression? Maybe I don’t understand the meaning of the word…
I’m not sad all the time, just empty. I don’t feel hopeless. I can concentrate on tasks just fine, and I don’t have trouble sleeping. The trait I mentioned in number 1 has always been there. I have never come to a decision by thinking about the situation. It has always been either the result of thinking about the situation and then picking an option at random, or of the “correct” decision being clear from the start.

I consider myself emotionally stable because I am very slow to anger, I don’t get stressed, and I tend to remain calm.

I’ll take it a step further and say that I would never consider taking medication to treat a mental problem. No matter what. Period. Would rather go insane and be livin’ on the street talkin’ to myself.

I wasn’t planning on it :wink:

I have one, possibly two, friends. With one of them…the situation is complicated. With the other, well, I’ve known them for 6-7 years and it wouldn’t feel right changing the persona I present all of the sudden.

10

What qualities do you admire in other people?

Do you have any particular goal or goals that you want to accomplish within the next year? Within the next five years? The next ten years? (Things that you will actually have control over.)

Do you understand the value of being assertive as opposed to passive? Do you understand the difference in assertiveness and aggressiveness?

Just speaking from a personal view, the “little lies” would bother me. I’d rather have someone tell me that it’s too complicated to explain or that it’s too much trouble to explain.

Taunting and teasing animals and people is juvenile and self-indulgent. Get over it. We are not playthings.

If you know that you may be a little bit paranoid, then you don’t have a true paranoid disorder. Ironic.

You might benefit from taking the Minnesota Multi-phasic Exam. (I hope that I’m spelling that right.) I think it has fallen out of favor as a diagnostic tool in counselling these days, but it gives a fairly good personality profile and it is extensive. You might speak with a counsellor about it or you might be able to take it and have it scored over the internet. It does take quite a bit of time.

I wish you well. If you are lucky, your personality will continue to evolve all of your life.

11

IANAD but I think you need sex.

Lots of it.
Soon.
No, this isn’t an offer.

12

Hmm…trustworthy, kind, loyal, honest…the usual stuff, I suppose.

No. Never have…when I was much younger I never had any goals for myself either, including the “I want to be a <blah> when I grow up!” kind.

I understand the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. I also understand the value of being assertive in american society. However, I am not assertive. Someone could come up and vandalize my property and I probably wouldn’t say anything.

Didn’t mean to imply that people were. I do not regard animals with contempt, just that watching them struggle and then realize they can’t get what they want is entertaining. Just like it’s sometimes entertaining to throw a ball for a dog to bring back to you.

Perhaps I’ll phrase it this way: I like watching people/animals suffer emotional pain. I do not like watching physical pain. But emotional pain? The pain of shattered dreams or loss?

However, I do not much enjoy being the cause of it.

I had not initially counted this among the traits I needed to change, it seems that I should.

One can accept that they are paranoid but still allow the thoughts stand unchallenged. For example, I can recognize that a fear of letting people know how I will act is baseless and a result of paranoia, but that doesn’t change anything.

Thanks.

I have given up on this one :stuck_out_tongue:
if it happens, so be it. If not…shrug
Isn’t really worth wasting my time on.

13

Have you asked yourself WHY you enjoy that feeling. If not because it makes you feel superior, then why?

Simply put, they way you describe yourself thinking and feeling is not a healthy way for a person to think and feel. IMHO. What you write, if true, is very disturbing to me. I hope that you will find a way to experience joy in your life, and no longer need to cause others pain in order to have any feelings at all.

“Enjoying the emotional pain of others” is a synonym for “having no empathy.” Empathy is “co-feeling.” It mean that when you observe the emotions of others you think to yourself “I know how that feels.” If it is pain, you do not enjoy it or take pleasure in it, because you know it is unpleasant – it is almost like you are feeling the pain yourself, on a lesser scale. Routinely taking pleasure in the emotional pain of others is a SERIOUS personality flaw, maybe rising to pathology depending on the circumstances.

When it gets to that level it is calledAntisocial personality disorder, though I think the familiar term for this type of person is still “sociopath.”

14

So, do you empathize with the animal in this situation, having experienced loss yourself? Or are you just being a twisted f*ck? (That’s not meant to be rude - thats just sort of a pet term a few of my associates have for people that do things that are… odd.)

15

I am 21…so it would seem you guessed correctly :wink:

The word I was looking for before was crestfallen…I enjoy watching people and animals who are crestfallen. I can sometimes enjoy being the cause of it, but only in minor instances. I would eventually, for example, give the dog the treat.

Because I like it…I don’t really have a better answer than that. I’m not saying “Haha! I can withhold a treat from you!”

That would be…unlikely. It is clear to me that it is possible to change the persona I present to the world, but it is not at all clear that (or how) it would be possible to change what I feel. I could always stop the behavior, of course. And from the reaction of you and other posters, it seems like that would be a good idea.
But - back to my question…How would I go about changing, say, being passive?

So, now I suppose I should identify the real problem. What causes me to be passive? Is it because I can’t think of what to say? Check. Is it because I imagine hypothetical situations where the other party does not respect my rights? Check. Is it because I don’t want to bother the other party? Check. Is it because I feel I don’t have rights? No. Is it because I would have to repeat myself multiple times for whatever I said to be heard? Check.

But how do I change it?

The answers to a few of those are clear. Ignore the hypothetical situations, and deal with them when the situation arises. I need to stop caring as much about the feelings and rights of the other party, when they infringe on mine. Perhaps some singing lessons when help with the voice, though I’m honestly not sure if I can fix that one. I don’t have any clue on what to do about the first question though.

16

I believe you have what we in the business call “issues”.

It sounds to me that you are in fact somewhat socially awkward. “Paranoid”, “watching but not participating”, “passive”, “slow to retort”, not to mention “personality is unacceptible”. This implies to me that you generally feel on the outside and that people generally ignore if not outright persecute you. Possibly you are in fact shy lack key social skills for dealing with conflict or uncomfortible situations.

It also sounds like you are a bit narcisisstic. In fact, you might even be suffering from Narcisisstic Personality Disorder. You don’t seem interested in actually being a better person, just building a better facade to show the world.

Basically I see someone who feels powerless and tries to exercise power by simultaneously excluding themself while tormenting others.

Seek help.

17

Find a few people who you really like/respect. Spend time with them.

Learn what it is that makes them likeable/respectable people. You will probably pick up a lot by osmosis, and you can always ask yourself the “What would Brian Boytano do?” question. (Assuming that you like and respect Brian Boytano. Also works with anyone else you deem appropriate.)

A good way to do this is to pick an organization whose goals you share, and join it. People who make those organizations succeed have personality traits, habits and skills that you can really learn from. (Do you have any interest in politics, activism, advocacy, sports, arts, public policy, literacy, historical preservation, etc?)

It will also give you a more productive way to spend your time, and give you a chance to develop/demonstrate/become more comfortable with your positive skills and attributes.

18

I consider myself as pretty empathetic, but I admit I love to see people mad. It’s soooooo funny! The more petty the reason the more funny!

I hope this isn’t considered as “enjoying watching others in pain”. :frowning:

19

You are correct, people generally ignore me, but only because I tend to sit in a corner somewhere.
I’m not shy; I don’t actively avoid contact with people. If people around me are doing something similar to me, then I don’t have any problem talking with them(starting a conversation or not). If they’re not, I usually wait for the others to contact me. If someone asks me a question, I try to be helpful and respond, and if I have a question, I won’t hesitate to ask.

I can deal with conflict and uncomfortable situations, it just takes me longer than most. Give me a good 10-15 minutes to think a situation over, and I’ll have an appropriate response. Give me 10 seconds, and I’m likely to just ‘go with the flow’ or do nothing.

I’m quite interested in changing some of those traits, but I’m not sure how. How do I think of something to say, when I draw a blank?

How do I stop enjoying something? Associate it with something negative, I suppose.

So, failing being able to change the sensation, I’ll go for the next best thing, which is to change what I show. If I can express the correct emotion, then people will think I’m feeling that emotion. If people think I’m feeling something, then what does it matter what I’m really feeling?

And actually show what I’m really feeling? Never. It would mean expressing things which will likely lead to rejection. I was going to list things that I feel that I keep hidden, but I decided against it, as they are not what people would accept.
I’d much rather appear to fit in and be accepted than not and be rejected.

I doubt that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. At least, not as described by your link. The only trait I would see myself as having from that list is ‘lacks empathy’, but I’m not sure if I’m unwilling or unable to identify with others.

The only things I find interesting are things which take all of my concentration. If I have time to think about anything except the task at hand then the task is not interesting. Or, in other words, the only things I find interesting are things which let me block out the world. Obviously, that kind of task does not lend itself to being anything but solitary.

I hate to deflect your suggestion like that, but…I can’t really think of anything I want to do that doesn’t involve all of my attention. Perhaps it goes back to my problem with making decisions.

20

Some people have mentioned Narcisisstic Personality Disorder and sociopathic personality disorder, which you said don’t apply. How about schizoid personality disorder?
A word of caution; any person with enough introspection and self-doubt is likely to diagnose himself as having all personality disorders at once. :slight_smile:
Having just a few of those traits makes you just an ordinary person of a certain flavor. Which is good, because blandly perfect people are boring, and besides, they make us all look bad :slight_smile: .
But if you have more then five of the described traits, there is a good chance you experience less happiness then you could, and that you might benefit from a certain treatment.

Assigning labels has it merits, but that it can be dangerous and, above all, that it is not very helpful to the individual at hand.
A label is just a collection of traits and sympoms with a collection of treatments that have sometimes helped, lumped in together for the convenience of doctors. A label could apply to you, and then again, it could not and only lead you astray, busy into trying to solve non-existent problems.

If you really want to change something about yourself, you might try talking to a counselor. Even if it’s just to become clearer yourself on what, if anything, you want to change. A good diagnosis is half the job. There are some threads on SD (I’ll look them up for you if you want, because as a guest you don’t have use of the search button yet) on how to find a good therapist. Bottom line of those threads is that you have to talk to a few before finding a good personality-match.