I'm an asshole: A confession

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am an asshole. I have to admit this to get better right? I don’t know where else to turn and what to do to change it, but I am taking the first step and admitting I have a problem.

Lately I have become anti-social and generally cynical with people. I have been increasingly confrontational and needlessly abrasive with those around me. It isn’t a sudden thing, but it has gotten worse lately.

I notice that when I am in stressful situations I have no filter for my thoughts and feelings and they tend to come out freely. I had a toothache this weekend and I was snappish and generally not fun to be around. I have been getting in more arguments with my fiance lately and I feel bad afterwards because I know I have hurt her feelings.

For the most part I am in awe of those that have patience and have the culture and class to be polite in even the most extreme situations (though sometimes, due to my assholish nature, you also repulse me). I wish I could be like that, but I have not found my inner peace. In fact, the longer I am on this earth, the more cynical and pessimistic I become.

I have even found myself having difficulty apologizing or admitting I am wrong, which goes against everything I think is right. I know I am wrong, and know I cause pain, and want to apologize, but I have to force it out and it gets harder to do each time. (it doesn’t help when people are smug about it)

This wasn’t enough to pit myself, and not enough of a general question “what do I do now?” so I put it here both as a confession and maybe a place where people can offer suggestions or tell their anecdotes of similar situations. What is the second step?

2

You’re not alone. Much of what you posted applies to me as well. I just wish I new someone who’d tell me in what other ways I’m an asshole.

3

Hi, I’m Dinsdale, and I’m an asshole.

Coupla suggestions:

-work on keeping your mouth shut and not saying all the assholish things that cross your mind.
-I think a lot of my assholishness was (is?) related to feelings of superiority on my part. I think I lack empathy for other persons’ abilities, positions, etc. Maybe try to work on better appreciating other people as individuals, rather than people who are just in your way, and enabling/preventing you to do things.
-lower your expectations. If you expect rudeness, crappy service, etc., you may be less likely to get pissed at receiving it, and instead may be pleased on the rare occasions competence crosses your path.

4

I’m not a doctor, and admittedly my own experience with what I’m going to say is far less than a lot of other people’s here, so take this for what it’s worth:

See someone and talk to them about depression.

5

start a journal
on every entry you are only allowed to gripe about one thing - and only use 2 sentences

then, after your gripe, you must write 5 things that are really nice about your life

attitude and perspective

and go outside and help someone in real life

get out of your own navel

6

Depression can cause assholishness? I wasn’t aware. I guess it is as good as a diagnosis as any.

7

I tend to be a bit of an asshole, too. One thing I have worked on recently is apologizing. It kills me. But if I truly believe I was wrong or hurt someone, I take a deep breath and give a nice, clear, non-sarcastic apology, ‘I’m sorry I was really rude to you this morning. I had a headache and I just snapped.’ The sooner I do it the better. People tend to appreciate it and it usually makes me feel better.

Of course, occasionally I do it when I’m not 100% sorry and really dislike the other person, but it’s hard for them to be smug when I’m just so darned humble and apologetic!

As for overall bitterness… well, for the most part I think every group of friends should be peppered by cynics. They’re often funny and let everyone else feel happy-go-lucky in comparison. But it can be tiring. And sometimes I, too, stand back and wonder what the hell I’m doing and why anyone would want to hang out with such a downer.

If it’s affecting your life and those closest to you, yeah, it may very well be tied to depression.

8

If it makes you feel any better me and the other kids were outside playing on your front lawn while you wrote the OP. I think we might have broken something. Sorry.

9

Imho (this is the right forum for that, right? :wink: ), being patient and tolerant when it doesn’t come naturally to you (and I think it does come more naturally to some people) is like most everything else: it’s a matter of practice. If you want to be more empathetic, you have to practice trying to look at things from someone else’s perspective. If you want to be more patient, you have to work at it until it becomes second nature.

You maybe could take a lesson from my hubby: he’s perceived by many people to be an asshole, but he’s not; at least, not to the people he cares about. Me, our kids, his closest friends, his siblings and his parents; he cares what all of these people think about him, and he’s pleasant, thoughtful, and polite to us. At work, he’s professional, yes (he has to be), but he’s not any nicer than his position requires him to be, and many, many people he deals with day-to-day consider him an asshole. You’d surely never want to put him in a job where people-skills are important. But he can be nice to us, because he doesn’t bottle it up until he erupts.

He always says exactly what he means, even to those nearest and dearest to him. Some people consider this asshole-ish, but in fact, is one of the things I love best about him. I never have to wonder where I stand with him, how he really feels about something, etc. I ask him his opinion (but only when I really want it!) and he gives it. Speaking as someone who was raised by a mom who was a champion at head games, this is refreshing and wonderful!

My point is this: practice being patient and considerate, but start only on people whose opinions you value. Clearly you want to start with your GF. You can even bring her on board. Tell her “look, I know I’m an asshole sometimes, and I’d like to change that, if I can; can we think of a code word you can give me when you think I’m being an asshole?” Knowing the behavior as it happens may be a big help, and my guess is, your GF will be glad to know you’re trying to change. Cuz I’ll tell you one thing, if my hubby had been an asshole to me when I was his GF, I never would have been his wife!

10

Bolding mine. These are the pieces I latched on to suggest what I did. A change in your personality that’s affecting how you relate to others.

11

How are your self-confidence/self-esteem levels? People often mask low self-esteem with overly aggressive behaviour, because they are always feeling like people are trying to take advantage of them or thinking they are stupid or something. The most self-confident people don’t need to be aggressive, because they are so confident in themselves and their abilities that other people’s actions/opinions aren’t taken personally by them. It’s like the need to be right or win every argument; if you’re confident that you know what you’re talking about, you don’t have to make sure that everyone else knows it, too.

ETA: Your fiancée loves you, I’m sure, but every time you snap at her, you make a withdrawal out of your goodwill bank with her. You don’t want to be bankrupting that one.

12

One idea is whenever you meet someone or start a conversation, force yourself to think of one thing you like about them and focus on that - it can be completely superficial (it often is - always when you first meet someone) - what nice eyes. What a pleasant voice. Great smile. Try to find something you can latch onto and like. That way you trick yourself into a “default like.” That might keep some of the sarcasm and rudeness at bay.

Also, take two seconds to stand in their shoes - what do they want?

(And you might want to see a doctor if this is recent).

13

It worked that way for me. When you’re unhappy it is pretty easy to blame others for your unhappiness. When you don’t give a shit about yourself, it is hard to care about hurting others’ feelings. When carrying on a conversation stresses you out, it is easy to alienate others so they don’t want to talk to you.

14

I guess that is probably the cause. I posses more than a share of self-loathing and my self-esteem is pretty shaky at best.

15

I have no problem with apologizing, but it rarely comes into play as I’m only an asshole about things I’m reasonably certain about. What I’ve noticed, though, is that it doesn’t matter if I’m an asshole or not. I try to be polite, people get angry with me. I’m an asshole, people get angry with me. So why make the effort?

16

Even if it’s not depression, you may want to talk to someone about your outlook/behavior, particuarly as it seems to be bothering you and is not typical.

My husband, who was always a sweet guy, started feeling similar to the way you describe. He gradually became irritable, distand, and extremely short tempered over nothing. It bugged him to have such a short fuse, and the fact that he wanted to act out aggresively all the time. He visited a therapist for a few months and discussed anger management (quite possibly some cognitive behavior therapy). That worked for a couple of years.

Later when it came back and brought its cousin suicidal ideation with it, he was diagnosed with depression. SSRIs are a wonderful thing for some people. They saved our marriage and very likely his life.

I’m the last person to suggest that pills would solve all your problems, but there is no shame in getting an outside opinion when your own personality is disturbing you.

17

I am reminded of an article that I read somewhere that said that studies show that venting anger only serves to make the person who’s venting feel more angry, not less.

Maybe acting like an asshole only serves to make you feel like more of an asshole which in turn makes you act out your assholishness. It can be a bit of a vicious circle if you’re not careful.

I suggest trying to regain perspective. Don’t sweat the small stuff ( and it’s all small stuff).

And maybe look into that depression thing.

Oh, and do something really nice for your fiance or someone else you love. It’ll make you feel good.

Sorry you’re having a rough time. Hope it gets better.

18

I will add to all the other good advice here:

Being in good physical condition (which would include getting plenty of rest, and getting that tooth fixed) can help a lot. It’s much harder to be patient and non-assholish when you’re tired or in pain.

19

It’s excellent you’ve realized this and come forward. One could read into your post that you care that you are being an asshole, and want to not be so much of one. Would that be accurate? I think it is, that you haven’t gone so far into it that you don’t care. And it sounds like you still have empathy, even if sometimes it’s after the fact. :wink: So when speaking, think about the other person --not how you’d feel in the other person’s shoes, since that would be “cynical and pessimistic”, but how they might feel based on past interactions. Then temper your words. You can say what you think but temper it. Or make sure it’s said in a subjective way. Witness:

Option A: You’re an asshole!
Option B: I feel like sometimes you may not take others’ feelings into account when you speak.

20

Not a bad idea. But the OP (and any other “assholes” who might be reading) should be reminded: don’t use “doing something nice” for someone as an excuse to act like an asshole! (I sent her flowers! So she shouldn’t be upset that I hollered at her about something that’s not even her fault). IOW, don’t do something nice after being an asshole, do something nice instead of being an asshole. I have a friend whose husband is an asshole on a day-to-day basis (and “asshole” is the understatement of the year; more like “total dick”), but he buys her expensive jewelry for Christmas and her birthday, and takes her on nice vacations. I’m pretty sure that he justifies being such a jerk by saying (at least to himself), “But I buy her nice things! Just look at that diamond necklace and matching earrings I bought her last Christmas!”