Epimetheus, (et al) if you were women, I would suggest HRT. I was a bich* while going through menopause.
Would you rather be right or happy?
And let me add that there are a lot of folks here on the Dope who would rather be right instead of happy. Sometimes, we aren’t even helping ourselves in our cause.
Here’s an idea to put in your head - you deserve to feel good and be happy, just like everyone around you. There is a Buddhist philosophy that doing no harm includes not allowing others to harm themselves by harming you; you’re kind of the flip side of that coin - you harm yourself when you harm others, and maybe you need to be a little nicer to everyone, including yourself.
I agree. It seems to me (and I know nothing, IANAD etc) that you are pushing people away for whatever reason. It may well not be depression, but why not get that checked?
Good luck.
I’d like to recommend this idea, if you truly want to change your behaviour towards your GF.
It depends on two things. (1) You have to be truly ready to listen and change, and not get defensive if she says “Epi, you’re being an ass. Stop it.” (2) You have to be able to trust that your GF will only use this power for good, not just to manipulate you.
If both those things are true, this simple reality-check can work wonders.
I know the feeling. In high school and the first couple years of college I was such a big asshole that I can hardly believe that I had so many friends, but then I guess a lot of people like assholes. Then about a year ago I hung out with some friends that had been avoiding me lately and they told me how they liked me but I was just so mean and it made them not want to hang out with me anymore. It was a real wake up call and I think I have improved almost 100% to date. I still have my moments but they are few and far between. I used to enjoy hurting people’s feelings, but the last couple years I’ve had a revelation about this behavior and that isn’t the way I want to live my life anymore.
Since this is a recent change, I agree with the others – please do get yourself checked out for depression, and check your overall physical health.
I agree, also, that patience and kindness are learned through practice. Nobody’s perfect in their practice, so be kind to yourself when you slip up, and try again.
Keeping a gratitude journal helps tremendously. Write down ten things every day you are grateful for – or, if you are having a really bad day, one thing. Even if it comes down to just “I am grateful for being able to breathe” or “I am grateful that my heart is still beating”, or “I am grateful for this cup of coffee.” it is still helps you change your focus.
It helps to write or say “Thank you”, even if you don’t believe that there is anyone or thing out there that you are thanking.
Sometimes it’s easier than you think to create change. Sometimes it’s about how you perceive the changes to be made.
My advice would be to remember; the muscles you use are the ones that grows stronger, the ones you don’t are the ones that atrophy. Every time you use your ‘asshole’ muscles they grow stronger and the sweet guy ones atrophy. Every time you choose to be a sweet guy and resist the urge to use your asshole muscles they grow a little weaker.
Never forget change is created in tiny little steps. It’s not that you need to stop being an asshole forever as of today! That approach won’t work. What you need to do is resolve that today you will be less of an asshole than you were yesterday. If you resolve that every day, pretty soon you won’t be an asshole at all. Pretty soon all of your asshole muscles will have atrophied to the point where it is not longer your second nature, or ‘go to’ position of default.
One more thing, it has been my experience that persons exhibiting this behaviour almost always have difficulty forgiving themselves their shortcomings, flaws, mistakes, etc. Sound like you? Ever wonder why that is? Or how the rest of the world does it? It is directly related to your cold hard judgement of others. You see others errors in very, Very, black and white, right and wrong, terms. Which leads to the cold hard judgement part. Which leads to being the same toward yourself.
It’s not a black and white world, and maybe it’s time for you to forgive yourself your shortcomings and climb on down from that pedastal and join us flawed beings down here. It’s much, much more fun. Forgiveness for self is the very first lesson of compassion.
I wish you luck, we’re all pulling for you!
Good advice from everybody, and I appreciate it. I think I may talk to the school’s counseling center and see what advice they offer.
elbows: I am like that, I am very hard on myself and fear failure more than anything. People always say I exaggerate my flaws or focus too much on them. Perhaps I do have a very black and white outlook (though I am aware that life is very shades of gray).
FWIW, I typicall don’t hollar. I think I am more passive-aggressive in that I use biting comments and rarely raise my voice. I think I’ve only raised my voice once or twice, but I’ve said some things that should have been said more tactfully. (for instance she comments all the time on other womans chests in regards to their size, and I commented that if she was jealous she can get implants, of course that turned into “I don’t like her how she is” so I argued that isn’t what I said. I like her the way she is, but I “tire of her commenting on other girls because of her feelings of inadequacy”, which are very similar to overweight girls looking down their nose at thinner girls just because they are thinner, not every girl with big boobs is a slut looking for attention and not every skinny girl is bulemic)
Then that’s what you should have told her. Instead she’s left feeling that, hey, maybe there’s a grain of truth in every joke or sarcastic comment you make, and maybe you do secretly wish she had a bigger rack (pretty much reinforcing what Axe commercials/Maxim mag/beer ads would have women believe).
It is much easier to be an asshole than it is to be understanding and polite. That being said, I have found that learning to be calm, understanding and even apologetic go a long way in nurturing relationships.
Take a few seconds to answer before you make an inappropriate, snappy, flippant response to a situation. I learned this trait long ago, shortly after I got married, by some strange coincidence. It really helped me feel better about myself because I was reducing friction and solving problems instead of adding to them.
A few beers now and again helps too. 
If all of this fine advice doesn’t work out, maybe just try being the best asshole you can be. Make it an art form, your life’s work, your passion. Take it public. Write a book about it. Develop a comedy routine. Become famous. When you’re a major-league asshole, we can say we knew him when he was just a little fart, a minor shit-disturber, barely a fully-formed sphincter. Look, when life gives you lemons, don’t be a wimp and make lemonade. Squeeze the lemon juice into a squirt gun and aim for open wounds. Go with your strengths, man.
First, I would remind you that what you focus on, in your life, will expand. Quit focusing on your flaws and faults and focus instead on your strengths and successes no matter how small. If you think the universe will acknowledge your tiny successes you’re wrong, that’s your job. Get at it.
The passive aggressive stuff is actually quite easy to stop.
The truth is that you are clearly an intelligent and articulate being. You know this much to be true. You also know the subtext of the things you say. You know you weren’t trying to be funny.(No one is laughing, clue number one, you’re not surprised, clue number two!)
You know how your remarks could be taken as biting. To pretend, “I was just kidding, I didn’t mean it like that, It was a joke!”, is disingenuous and an insult to your own intelligence. That’s why it feels wrong.
It’s not that it’s disrespectful to persons you’re speaking with, (though it is, and you know so), as much as it’s disrespectful to the intelligence you’ve been gifted with. Acknowledge the intelligence you possess, treat it with the respect it deserves and you will stop this behaviour directly.
When you crawl in your bed at night take a moment and review your strengths. Acknowledge your victory in choosing not to exercise that asshole muscle even once that day and things will begin to turn around for you. Much quicker than you could imagine.
It’s true what they say, everything you’re ever going to be, you are currently in the process of becoming. Good on you for seeing what you’re becoming and changing your path before it’s too late.
And good luck to you. We hope you know that we’re all pulling for you.
What about anger? It seems that feeling anger is not a bad thing, as long as you express it instead of keeping it all inside and letting it make you sick.
Could you ask others to let you know when you appear angry, so you can express it appropriately while it is being felt? Or you saying “I feel really angry right now” might give you a chance to discuss just what it is in their behavior that angers you. “Labeling” it might help, and perhaps they could/would change that behavior, or maybe just talking about it would make you both feel better. I have a feeling you could do this in a nice way, since you’re so articulate and not given to hollering!
I don’t think feeling angry makes anyone a bad person, but damming it up inside until it produces bad behavior that can hurt someone can surely be a problem. It seems you should forgive yourself for being angry and find better ways to deal with it, such as getting to the crux of it.
How good it is that you have a counseling center available! Best of luck to you, and please let us know how you’re doing.
Exactly! Anger should not be repressed, but should be expressed in a way that’s conducive to actually solving the problem. Making cutting, sarcastic comments is not constructive, in that it does absolutely nothing to resolve the issue. Much more effective is saying something like “It really made me angry when you did this, and I’d appreciate it if you’d try not to do it in the future”.
I’m certain now that many of you were right about possible depression. I had a couple stressful weeks with school, poor grades on two exams, trouble ‘getting’ some dance moves (basic Rumba), huge amounts of debt, other financial problems and some issues with my final project group mates not responding to emails or calls. Needless to say I had a break down last night, and it was not anger this time.
I guess I just feel like I am over my head. I am on academic probation from last semester because I took a full time job working 40+ hours (3rd shift) a week and had to drop a class. I dropped too late and got an F. I got some low grades on my finals because of it too, and ended up with some Cs. Needless to say I have to do better this semester so I took it “light” or so I thought. Now with these poor grades on the test, and me not grasping some of the concepts in the classes well enough, I am fearful of getting kicked out. My fiance has told me in the past she could not marry somebody that did not make it through college and this has me down a bit too.
I really feel alone right now too, and that compounded my breakdown last night.
Just thought I would thank everybody for the advice and let it be known that I set up an appointment this morning with the campus counseling services to talk. I really don’t think talking is going to help much, but the last couple days I have had some frightening thoughts about suicide and death.
*I also unfortunately took some of my anger and frustration out here on this board last week or so, and that help add to my basic self-hate. I am very guilty about that even though I apologized.
Sorry to hear about your tough times, and I apologize for my silly advice a few posts higher. I’m a bit of an asshole myself. I didn’t realize the extent of your situation. I think counseling is a great idea. Doesn’t make the problems go away, but it’ll almost certainly lead you to see them from a somewhat different, less depressing perspective. And if taking on too much at once was a bad idea, you can always re-group, man. Don’t worry about losing a year or two or more. It takes some of us a hell of a long time to get our degree, find our path and get on with it. But it works out in the end, it really does.
Keep us informed. We’re pulling for you.
Best wishes. You’ve made an excellent start. It will pass. Counsellors are people too, if the first one doesn’t help, find another.
Best of luck in getting things worked out! Recognizing that there’s a problem is a very important first step, and you’ve taken that one already. Congratulations! 