Help me find a book/method on how to not be an asshole.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have done a search on the boards for various self help books and what not and every thread seems to be about people who have low self esteem or are not assertive enough. I am somewhat the opposite.

I am a 26 DWM, 3 year old daughter, BSEE, good job, not terriblly unattractive.

I have always been a big time introvert though. I had a rough time growing up, I was VERY poor and got picked on alot, beat up alot, etc… and never really developed good people skills.

I have been told by numerous friends that I come across as an asshole when people meet me. All the time. One friend said that I don’t even need to say anything, it is in my walk and face. My other friend, whom I just talked to about this yesterday, said that I don’t seem like an asshole, just extremely cocky. He said when I walk into a room that I look like I own the place.

I am also a very negative person. I will argue about anything. If someone doesn’t agree with me I will agrue till my face turns blue.

I think I tend to be condescending.

I am rarely impressed with other peoples accomplishments, except my daughter. For example, when someone says “I think I am going to go back to school this next semester” instead of saying “That sounds great. Good for you. Blah Blah Blah” I think to myself “Yeah, you have been saying that every semester for 2 years” and say “Oh yeah…”. There is really no reason for me to act like that.

Virtually every boss I have had has told me at one time or another that I am an extremely smart and competent worker, but my communication skills are terrible. People walk on eggshells around me.

I get angry very easily. I have never been physically violent, but small things make my blood boil.

So anyway, even though I know these things are issues and they seem, on the outside, to be something that I could just SNAP and change, they aren’t. I have told myself repeatedly that I need to change this about myself but I have not been able to change.

I figured I would get a good book or something because I just cannot afford therapy or professional help.

I went to the book store and they have miles of self-help books. I grabbed one by the only guy whose name I recognized. Anthony Robbins. I also grabbed a book on Anger and how to deal with it. I started reading the AR book, but when I did a search on the SDMB I see that people are not to fond of him.

Anyone able to point me in the direction of a book or something that will guide me in becoming less aggressive, less negative, less condescending, happier for other people, less confrontational.

Essentially less of an asshole.

2

It doesn’t cover all of your ‘problems’, but I would heartily recommend Water Logic by Edward De Bono - if you can stomach his style, it is a thought-provoking book and I (think I) learned from it a great deal about dealing with other people’s ideas.

3

Recently, I saw a book in the bookstore that contained about 15 exerpts from the most popular selfhelpbooks, both recent and classic.
You might want to ask in the shop about it, buy that and sample the theories to see which best suits you, and elaborate on that.

The only two authors I remember out of the top of my head were:
“I’m Ok, You’re OK” Thomas a Harris
“How Proust can change your life” by ?
? by Albert Ellis Phd

I would recommend you would not skip the parts on low self-esteem when reading, though. You sound like someone who applies very high standards to those around you, so it is likely you will apply these same high standards to yourself (which of the two came first is interesting too).

4

I am wondering if it is possible to “fake” your way into changing.

Like if I start making myself appear happy for people or make myself apper non-judgemental, if it will eventually really change me on the inside. If I start doing happy things and start responding to people the way I would want to be responded to, regardless whether or not I am actually happy for them or interested in what they are saying to me.

5

That would be a very good start! Changing your behaviour does change your attitude, even faster then the other way around. (!)That is called the theory of “cognitive dissonance”.
Provided you would not feel the need to show in your attitude that not only do you not care, they also are to stupid to know they are not getting the real thing (true respect) from you.
FI, you could say: Well Mangetout and Maastricht, thanks for responding! (even if you were not helped at all by our suggestions) Try that, and I will try to rate your answer for surface sincerety. :wink:

6

I don’t know how well he fits into the modern self-help genre.
But my personal fav is Leo Buscaglia.:slight_smile:

7

You can’t fake your way into changing. If you are acting it, then you are doing it. But it takes time to learn new behaviors. You may want to see a behavior therapist, they can work with out using medication, and they essentially teach you how to change your behaviors.

If that doesn’t work I know a couple of guys who can come by and yell at you for a while, trust me, they’ll not let you get a word in edgewise… You’ll think you are a coy little kitten when they get done with ya.

I recommend the behavior management first. You are on the right track with faking it, to get it done…

8

You might want to take a look at books by Dr. David Burns, like The Feeling Good Handbook (ok - the title’s icky) and others. You can get an idea of his viewpoint from his website, particularly the “Tutorials” and “Guru’s Answers,” (“guru” used facetiously).

9

hi, Stinkpalm. i’m fond of donning my parlor psychologist’s hat, so i’ll throw in my two cents. how far it takes you is your choice.

i think you have a pretty good handle on a significant portion of the problem already. and you even know one of the directions that would be wise to travel, though you are currently resistant for the usual reasons.

based on the short bio, my initial impression is someone who has developed a slighty belligerent persona, simply as a defense for “fighting back” at what was a very unwelcoming, hostile world as you were growing up. it may have helped in that timeframe, but now you’ve gotten to the point in life where it no longer aids–rather, it impedes your ability to interact with others. but since you’ve grown up with this outlook, you now need to learn new social skills to replace what is no longer working for you.

“acting as if” is a perfectly acceptable means of changing both your behavior and your outlook. it is readily advocated in groups like Al-Anon and probably most similar support groups. so you’re not the friendly person you’d like to be? “Act as if” you are. changing the way you act reinforces your attempts to change the way you THINK about yourself. and it’s important that BOTH changes take place. just thinking about changing accomplishes nothing if no action takes place. and simply “acting” without truly considering taking the changes to heart only turns you into a complete phony.

i’d make a strong recommendation for seeking out Anger Management counseling or classes. and before you repeat that you can’t afford therapy, consider that there are a multitude of low- and no-cost sources likely to be available. if your current place of employment is large enough, it may have a Human Resources department that handles training and employee counseling. they may have counselors on staff, or offer courses for employees that are paid for (all or in part) by the company. (it’s economics to them–much cheaper to let employees talk out their problems than clean up after someone goes postal.)

if the employer is a wash, consider support groups formed by local churches, hospitals or other groups. checking out bulletin board listings at a hospital might uncover meeting notices, or perhaps calling information could net some referals. and church-sponsored groups aren’t always just for “members”–the idea is usually to help people whenever/however. if local papers have a section focused on health issues or community announcements, you may find notices of groups listed there.

but the best and most important news is, you’ve got the problem half-way licked already. no one is likely to change things until they realize that something actually needs changing. the most vital step in solving any problem is to admit that it EXISTS. once you’ve overcome that hurdle, it gets down to how hard you apply yourself to solving it, and how much help you grab for in doing so. so pat yourself on the back, 'cause you’ve already made a start on the road. and then turn the pat into a push, so you don’t lose your momentum.
lachesis
end self-help analysis. we now return you to your regularly scheduled Dopefest.

10

StinkPalm - as a former asshole with anger problems, I can honestly say that you can change, and I didn’t need any books, therapy, meds or magic potions. I’ll tell you what it took: a lot of determination, a lot of frustration, and a lot of hard work.

I found that self-help books didn’t help the situation at all, because the writing was the namby-pamby type of crap that could make my blood boil in the first place (plus, I used to date a girl who’s favorite books were the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” crap - we’d go to the bookstore, I’d look at literature, and she’d head straight for the self-help and Chicken Soup books. I have no problem with the books in theory, but if your favorite texts include “Chicken Soup” and “Soul,” in the title, let me recommend a lengthy book list… but I digress).

Changing your negative ways is going to be tough. You’re going to want to wring people’s necks, call them every word in the book, and be a butt. You have to force yourself not to do that. You have to adopt the behavior pattern described in the previous posts as “faking it,” to get into the practice of non-asshole responses to everyday situations. You’ll train yourself through that feigned niceness to actually be nice. It will seem trite and unnatural and lame to you, because it really is, but it doesn’t matter if you think it seems fake. Fake nice is a lot better than truthful assholeness. And it will get to a point where the paste-on smile becomes an actual smile.

The biggest source for my assholeness was a feeling of being out of control of my situation. In addition to changing my behavior, I addressed the root of the problem. For me, that included a career change, a change of location (I moved), and other changes to my life. You need to identify the root of your actions and act on it. You hinted that a bum childhood could be part of the root. You need to make things right in your head - if you find peace with the root of the problem, it will evidence itself in your outlook.

If you need to go to therapy, go for it. (I am not much of a therapy enthusiast myself - I didn’t need someone help me figure things out on my own - which is what therapists do.) But for some people it is the right thing.

Best of luck. There is good waiting at the end of the process. I am looking forward to a marriage in December, and a new graduate program this fall. (Yes, it will be a busy year.) None of it would have happened if I had not made the decision to change.

11

I think so.

12

The psychological aspect of being an asshole may well merit investigation, but that’s may turn out to be more than a book or two can address.

If, as alternative to being an asshole, you want to be a gentleman, the best book on that I can recommend is Lord Chesterfield’s letters to his son:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/019283715X/qid=1048535914/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/002-8728648-7364855

13

:eek:

Maastricht stands in absolute awe at this absolutely wonderful, absolutely appropriate sonnet and she sadly concludes that everything, yes, everything, has been said before and been said better, so why even bother.

yeah, yeah, but “cognitive dissonance” is shorter.

14

maybe go to therapy.

but before you do anything…
you must have some compassion for YOURSELF, before you can have it for others.

Would you rather be right or would you rather get along?

15

Another former asshole here to vote for the “faking it” approach. Your description of your behavior sounds much like my old behavior. I did it to push people away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. Soon enough, I had pushed everyone away and had no friends, a family who were like strangers, and a reputation at work for being a negative asshole.

One day I realized that this was holding me back personally and professionally and I decided to change. The next time my boss asked me to do something, I said “I’ll do it right away.” The next time I was invited to a family gathering, I said “I’ll be there!” I started accepting compliments by saying “thank you” instead of assuring the complimenter that he or she was sorely mistaken.

It took longer for the people around me to adjust to my new attitude than it took for me to adopt it. I got a lot of “Who are you and what did you do with isthatsowrong?” I was faking it in the beginning but it soon became very apparent that being nice to other people drew much better results than being an asshole. I didn’t have to fake it for long.

I spent some time in therapy, but it was too slow (an hour or two a week) and my mother was right – therapists blame everything on your parents and don’t offer any solutions (at least, that was my experience with the three therapists I have spoken with).

The faking approach has the advantages of being free, easy enough to try, and if you screw it up you can just keep trying until you get it right or give up.

16

Stinkpalm: God, I know exactly what you mean. I come from a family of non-smilers. I mean, our smiles are reserved for moments of true amusment and hilarity, not for the fake “Good morning! I’m ever so glad to see you today (when really you are actually a big pain in my ass)!”

You can try to talk the talk they want you to talk. That’s the easy part. Listen to what “nice” people say, and then say it in your own words. Go home and write all the mean, nasty, hateful things you wanted to say in a journal. Or make angry art/ write angry poems/ take up boxing (I do all of these).

The hard part is changing your facial expressions and body language. It’s so unconscious, you hardly know you’re doing it until people get pissed at you. Try raising your eyebrows. Force yourself NOT to roll your eyes or sigh when someone says something stupid. When you see someone else smiling, make yourself smile. Uncross your arms. Drop your shoulders. Repeat.

Therapy might help. My psychiatrist (I started seeing him for my insomnia) told me I didn’t need therapy. I wasn’t crazy or even a little bent; his exact words were, “What, do you want therapy so you can be more fake?” Well, yes, Doc, in fact, that’s exactly what I want, or more to the point, what everyone else wants.

Alternatively, you could become a successful hip hop artist, in which case you’d win an Oscar and you could tell the whole world to kiss your ass…

17

A few random pieces of advice I’ve found useful (but take with a pinch of salt):

Think before you say something - how will they perceive it?
Fewer value judgements, more vague questions.
Ask your friends to point out to you when you were bitchy in case you didn’t mean it.
Practice talking to people and being interested in them.

18

pssssst… Maastricht … it’s not a sonnet, it’s from Hamlet. Hamlet is speaking to his mother in the section that I clipped. Shakespeare has pretty much said it all, you’re right about that.

19

This is definitely an issue and I have been made aware of it by the few close friends I have had. Like I said earlier, people think I am an asshole before I even speak.

Lots of good advice above. Its good to know that I am not the only true asshole in the world. I am going to try to “fake” everyone out and see what happens. I have tried it a few times on a limited scale in the past, but I found that when I was displaying ungenuine reactions and emotions that I was embarassed. I could feel my face turning red in the process. Not because I was doing anything jerkish, but because I could feel people doing a double take while I was saying “Good Morning! How’s the kids?” etc…

20

How To Win Friends and Influence People is a book that, while it sounds dated (it has been around awhile) and schmoozy, in actuality addresses exactly what the OP talks about. Practical suggestions that, when - er - put into practice, make a significant difference in one’s outlook and mannerisms. (speaking from experience). Believe it’s by Norman Vincent Peale.