I know a few people that are really, really nice. They never seem to have the moments of murderous rage, soul-destroying bitterness, or need for revenge that most of the rest of us have. They are calm, loving, and kind in the face of meanness and suckitude. How do they do that? I would like to be like that.
I’m at a turning point in my life regarding my attitudes and actions towards others. For whatever reason- I’ve had a hard, long time as a single mom, I had a sucky-ass childhood, other people bother me, whatever- I recently realized that I am pissed off a LOT. I think I’ve got part of it nailed now- anxiety, too much caffeine, not enough sleep- and I’m addressing the physical part of that with my doctor. But what’s not so easy to fix is the ingrained reflexive defensiveness and my very strong urges to make sure nobody gets over on me. I don’t like being like that, I don’t like having a reputation as a badass (in real life only- I’m kind of scared of you guys), and I want to change that part of myself. I want to live and be known as a kind, loving person.
So, nice people, how do you do it? Does it always just come naturally, in any situation, or do you have to work at it? How do I work at it?
Mostly it comes naturally. I’ve never really been able to stay unhappy or upset for very long–as hard as I try. It’s a standing joke that if I get mad, just come back in half an hour and it’ll be fine.
Sometimes I have those moments of murderous rage / soul-destroying bitterness / etc. and I’ve flown off the handle. But I usually try to walk away, write it down somewhere private, talk rationally through it. It’s stupid and cliche, but counting to ten inside your head really actually does work.
Both. It comes naturally because you work at it. When I was a little kid I was empathetic to other little kids to a fault; I couldn’t stand to see other kids cry or in pain. At the same time, though, I was a self-centered little kid just like every other little kid in the world who needed to be taught to respect the feelings of others by the big’ uns, both by instruction and by example. I had some fantastic role models, including the nicest, smartest, and funniest man of the 20th century, my grandfather. You just learn and teach yourself to react to people naturally, without letting people unduly intimidate you or make you resentful, and enjoying putting them at ease instead of putting them in their place.
Growing up being a nice guy had a price, though, in that it took me a long time to learn that being nice didn’t always work and you have to also learn to be assertive. Not dickishly so, just in the sense of being aware that there’s a line, and letting people know when they’re coming up to it, or have crossed it, or crossed it a half hour ago. I’m still probably a little more non-confrontational than I should be.
The nicest person I ever met worked where I did and was unremittingly friendly, sweet, co-operative, encouraging, solicitous, kind, generous and every other good quality you can imagine. Then one day I came to work and heard she left her husband and kids and ran off with the bartender.
It’s ironic- I used to be the most timid, shy, wimpy little thing. I’m still incredibly empathetic (and empathic) and can’t stand to see someone cry. I’m very, very sensitive. So I know that it’s not my nature to be so aggressive, smart-assed, and defensive- life has done this to me. It’s because the way I am is so different from the way I used to be, the way I was meant to be, that it’s very uncomfortable for me to be like this.
I was talking to my youngest son today about love today, and he’s a 9 year-old Christian that is so sure he’s going to heaven, and I’m an atheist. I told him that the purpose of us being here on Earth is not to strive to get into heaven, but to love other people and be kind and caring while we’re here, during our lives. So I started wondering, how does one get to be that kind of person if they’re not now?
Shit happens. There’s almost always a better way to use your anger. This sucks ass, but it coudl be worse. Lesser people have been able to do more with less. Well, it sure sucks to be them.
Those are usually the thoughts I have.
You raise a difficult question. I’ve always been calm and easy-going. The few times in my life when I’ve been angry and showed it, it had an impact, because it was so out of character. “Hey, Pam’s really pissed – maybe we should do something about this!” I’ve remembered that and I’ve saved my rages for things that really matter and most important, things that I had some control over. Man, but that’s satisfying.
My mantra helps too – “any day above ground is a good one”. A friend uses “you can be bitter or you can be better.”
Getting over on someone who got over on you – it just keeps the wheel turning.
On the other hand, you don’t want to be a doormat. The hard part is recognizing what’s worth fighting for, picking your battles. You can protect yourself and the people you care about without becoming part of the problem.
That is very true. I did not appreciate it when I would wallow in teenage angst, tell my parents I hated them and they would laugh, though.
Mostly, I think it’s because I’m rather forgetful. My anger at someone gets displaced by something completely irrelevant almost immediately. I don’t know why.
There’s this one girl at my work who just beams niceness. She glows from it, I swear. I’ll probably never be like that, but I would like to be different. I’m not saying I’m mean, just protective, as ** AuntiePam** notes, of myself and my family. I want to be not so defensive, and a lot more open to love and kindness, even to people I don’t know.
Oh, and I’ve been practicing. Earlier tonight I got into a confrontation with the mother of a boy that’s been bullying my son for years, it got heated, and it ended with me telling her to fuck off and slamming the door. Oooh, bad, I know. Really bad. But then I went back to her later, and I apologized for my behavior, and we worked it out- maybe. See? I’m trying. I regret the earlier exchange very, very much.
For me, it has been helpful to intellectualize some key “attitude positions,” then try to keep them in mind. The idea is not to control your feelings - heck, you feel what you feel - but to guide your actions. With practice, the attitudes become more ingrained.
I’m in my 50’s, and I’m still learning things that some others were doing in their teens. Then there are some attitudes that I acquired when young that others my age haven’t yet.
Some examples:
Long ago I abandoned serious thoughts of revenge. Occasionally when I feel wronged I daydream about it for a little while, but I move on and forget about it. What I’ve seen is that those who nurture vengeful thoughts are dragged down by them. I know a fellow who still fumes about something that happened 30 years ago. This has brought him no peace or satisfaction. It wastes emotional energy and subverts his happiness. So somebody gets one over on me now and then. I’m much happier letting it go.
Reflecting on my life, I don’t have any regrets over being too nice to someone. I do have regrets over not being kind enough to some people. I’ve only recently had this awareness. I’m working on being kinder. It is work, but I’m slowly achieving it.
does indeed seem to be the key. As a very emotional-based (I prefer “passionate”) woman, there’s no way I could stop feeling my feelings, but I would like to deal with things from a loving point of view a lot more often.
Until that 9 year-old son I mentioned grows up and/or I’m not a single mom anymore, the most cultural awareness/humbling I can do right now is Nogales. Does that count? And living in a low-income apartment complex in midtown Tucson is almost like being in a third-world country… maybe I’ll just go outside.
It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have. I have worked very hard to have the things I have, and I’m grateful that I live in a country where that is possible. But by this country’s standards, my life is hard, and has been for a long time. If I laid out right here everything I have faced in my life, a lot of people would say I have every right to be cynical and jaded. But what I’m saying is that I don’t want to be that. I’ve discovered that life is probably a lot better when you’re nice, and it doesn’t seem to be working for me to not put nice at the top of my priority list.
You could watch alot of episodes of “My Name Is Earl”. For the next couple days after watching that I am always in a ‘be nice to everyone’ type of mood.
Well, there’s your first problem: You’re just a little full of yourself. People who are full themselves do tend to be jerks.
Here’s something for your cynical self to chew on - Have you ever read any travelogues? In almost everyone that I’ve read, the Western traveler is always “amazed” by how friendly and nice the local villagers are, even though their living situations are, relatively speaking, difficult to a point unimaginable by most dwellers of developed countries. Cue the inevitable platitudes about “these people are so friendly and beautiful and optimistic…” blah blah.
The practical facts of the matter is that people in third world countries who survive on the margins learn a simple fact about human interaction - Generally, it pays to be nice to people. Smiles are free, there’s generally no marginal cost to being polite and friendly to others, and more often than not, the favor is returned. The consequences of not being “nice” to someone can often be rather dire when you earn less than a dollar a day, or share a room with 6 other people, or run into a less than scrupulous member of the local armed constabulary, all of which are everyday situations for most people in the world.
Like fat people, grouchy Emo whiners(Cynical! Jaded! Ha! Let’s see the cuts on your wrist.) generally have short life expectancies in most of the world, and only really “exist” in the West. Putting up with the likes of them is a fairly minor annoyance, all things considered.
