Being an asshole is a very rewarding experience. It will allow you the freedom to concentrate solely on yourself and your own wants. You will never again have to worry about other people, and their needs and feelings. Being weighed down by friends and their incessant demands will become a thing of the past. Perhaps the best reward of being an asshole is that you can feel superior to everyone in your community, state, nation, or even the world! For some people, the necessary philosophies for becoming an asshole are already in place, they only need some refining. Others will need to change their entire attitude. It takes some commitment, but with dedication and perseverance, you can adopt the needed mindset and be on your way. There are three guiding principles that, if followed, will guarantee that you can become the ultimate asshole.
The first principle is the most important. You must come to believe that you are more important than, and superior to, everyone else. You are the only one that matters. Your entire demeanor must shout at everyone you meet that they are not important. Their desires and feelings are of no consequence. This is possibly a difficult attitude to nurture, but it is essential if you want to become the ultimate jerk. Vigilance is crucial. Be on guard at all times for thoughts that someone else, other than yourself, has any degree of value. If this thought crops up, it should be immediately replaced by thoughts about how superior you are to them.
Some of the people that you meet are complete losers. With them this attitude will be no problem. Other people that you run into may be well adjusted, friendly, good looking, or any number of redeeming qualities. With these people you may have to examine every aspect of both them and you, but it is imperative that you find something that makes you better than them. Everyone has some bad qualities. Find these in the other person and use them to your advantage. This will become easier with practice. Once you have found something that makes you superior, Only think about that one thing. If you get in a conversation with this person, bring it up. Be sure to expound on it and talk about your ability and their ineptitude. The person in question will most likely not want to become friends with you, nor will they have any respect for you. You don’t want to be their friend anyway, because they are so far beneath you.
Mastery of the first principle is crucial to becoming the ultimate asshole. You must believe with every fiber of your being that you are superior to everyone else. Faking this belief is not an option. Regular assholes can get away with faking it. But to become the ultimate asshole you must believe it with everything you have
Now that you believe in your own superiority, the second principle is to prove your superiority to everybody that you meet. There are a number of different ways to accomplish this.
The easiest way is to one-up everyone that you get into a conversation with. For example, if someone tells you that their hi-score in bowling is 223, you should tell them about the 300 game you bowled last week. If an acquaintance tells you about their trip to a neighboring state, tell them about your trip across the country. If their trip was across the country, yours was to Canada or Mexico. Try to interrupt them before they finish their story and then dominate the conversation with yours. It is always good if your one-up happens to be true, but truth is not what is really important. What is important is that you illustrate your superiority in every conversation you have.
You must be careful, though. You don’t want to one-up someone with a lie that can be proven false. For example, when you overhear a guy saying that his car can accelerate from zero to sixty in five seconds, it would be futile to casually mention that your car can do it in four seconds if it is a well know fact that you drive a 1972 Ford Pinto. At this point, if you are a regular asshole, you would probably have to walk away dejected because you do not have a better story to tell. However, to become the ultimate asshole, you have to think on your feet. You have to be able to come up with half truths and outright lies in an instant. Remember that your goal is to prove your superiority using any methods necessary. The correct ultimate asshole response in this scenario is to recall a car that you used to have, and talk about it’s acceleration abilities. This way, it can’t be proven false. You can also fabricate the reason you don’t have the car anymore. Perhaps you totaled it while running from the cops because they were trying to break up your illegal street racing operation. It would be a good idea to tell this story loud enough to be heard in a three-quarter mile radius. The volume at which you tell any story should increase with the sensationalism.
Of course, one-upping, while being the easiest, is not the only way to prove your superiority. Another very effective method is to become an expert on any subject. It does not really matter if you know anything about the subject you are talking about as long as the people you are talking to know even less. At a dinner party, you could complain loudly that the wine served was not an appropriate choice to go with the meal. Make sure it is clear to everyone present that you would have picked a different vintage and year. At a football game, after a bad play by your team, criticize them for the bad call. Explain to everyone around you the play you would have called in that situation, and why it would have worked. If you here someone complaining about rush hour traffic, tell them exactly how the freeway designers messed up. Then tell them the way you would have designed it so there would be no bottlenecks.
The third principle is to develop assholish behaviors. This is a broad category and can encompass many different activities. The main goal here is to offend or annoy as many people as possible. Be as disrespectful as possible towards everyone, especially elders and authority figures. Blare out a long string of obscenities with a bunch of children present. If you receive a gift, don’t be grateful. Criticize it instead. Degrade and insult people that you come in contact with. It’s easy to do once you get the hang of it.
It takes time and patience to become a full-fledged ultimate asshole. Do not make light work of it. If you persevere, these three principles will become your guiding light. You will be able to join the ranks of ultimate assholes everywhere.
Signed,
Pduol’s Coworker, The most ultimate of ultimate assholes!
