Have you gotten over being shy?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello, my name is padabe, and I’m shy. I abhor that term, actually. I prefer “introverted” or even “anti-social,” perhaps because they sound immutable, or purposeful. Maybe admitting shortcomings is my second problem.

Being shy hasn’t really bugged me in the past. I’ve generally had a small number of relatively close friends, handpicked for their low maintenance which I enthusiastically reciprocated. What with people settling down and starting families, that number has dwindled quite a bit from “small,” tending toward “non-existent.” While there have been other extenuating circumstances driving this trend, I’ll cop to some personal culpability here–I could have tried harder.

Over the past month, two or three new acquaintances have pointed out my shyness to me. This is distressing, as I had thought I’d been doing a reasonable job faking social aptitude: smile… ask questions… don’t overdo it, though, don’t want to resemble the Riddler… what am I missing? Must be that deer-in-the-headlights expression when they ask me questions. It’s enough to make me wonder how I come across when I’m not trying: worse? the same? There aren’t any encouraging possibilities here. I realize there’s a spectrum between the extremes, but it’s getting hard to deny that I’m an outlier.

Coincidentally, one of these acquaintances offered to work on this with me. Her plan involves a slightly altered hairstyle, a heavy metal band t-shirt, and stainless steel rings. Her strategy is something along the lines of adopting a sort of alter-ego personality. Mild mannered padabe during the week, raging extrovert padabe on weekends! Okay, maybe not that extreme.

I’ve mulled it over, and I can’t decide whether this plan is workable or lunacy. It seems a little long on vague, make-it-so hand waving, but then again, it’s appealing in its simplicity. On the one hand, it couldn’t hurt to try. On the other, failure would be more humiliating than resignation. I know, the Magic 8 Ball of Hallmark[sup]TM[/sup] encouragement card truisms says, “Don’t fear failure,” but does anyone actually listen to that crap? And what would constitute a success, anyway?

For the sake of honest disclosure: Clearly, my judgment is clouded by being a little sweet on the woman. I’m completely cognizant of the fact that it could never. work. out., period. I wouldn’t let one or two insurmountable hurdles dash my hopes, but we’re talking a half dozen, off the top of my head. A new friend, though, yeah, running a bit low on those. I can deal. I think. No, I can! Totally.

But enough about me! Tell me, please: have you successfully gotten over your shyness? How did you do it? Does it get easier?

2

I’ve gotten better over the years, but I still clam up sometimes, especially when faced with talking to women.

3

I’ve found myself reverting to my shy ways over the past few years.

There was a time when I was supremely confident and engaging, thanks to medication and a ton of booze. I realize lately that I lost all that.

I had wanted to start a thread here about it, but still can’t put it all into words.

4

Okay, shy is not the same thing as introvert, not at all. They’re highly comorbid, but you can be very outgoing but prefer to be alone most of the time.

It is annoying when people point things out like that, isn’t it? It’s like: “you have brown hair!” When people point out things like your personality, it’s hard to know whether they expect you to apologize or what. An excessive look of shock and disbelief might help.

Do you really want to change though? You sound hesitant. I don’t meant the fear of failure part, I mean do you consider this something that you want to remove vs. a mostly fixed part of your personality?

5

I’ll refer you to an older thread on this general topic - How to become an extrovert?.

And while I’m at it, I’ll quote myself from that thread: Shyness and introversion are not synonyms, though probably most introverts are shy. But one definition of an introvert is one who, at some level, finds human contact tiring. They may enjoy it and even look forward to it. But after they get enough, that’s it - they then have to retire to recharge their sociability batteries.

Similarily with “antisocial”. One can be antisocial and not be shy - you might instead just be a misanthropic asshole.

Shy is shy :). No reason to abhor the term, its a pretty mild perjorative, if it’s one at all. And yes, there are all sorts of techniques to get over it. Forcing yourself to socialize more regularly works for some people - desensitization as it were. It also fails miserably with others.

For me it was mostly growing older and giving less of a shit. I’m typically not very shy in small gatherings anymore. But I can still get a little quiet and awkward in larger groups of mostly strangers. I’ve just learned to live with it/work around it and don’t really try to do much about it, as it is ultimately only a small bother at this stage of my life.

6

Thanks for the link, I’ll read it. And you’re right, being told you’re shy isn’t exactly an insult, but it’s usually accompanied by a vaguely patronizing tone that I could really do without. It stifles any momentum I’ve built up. Perhaps in the future I’ll just nonchalantly contradict it. It’d be better than letting it bug me.

Yeah, a counselor gave me the Myers-Briggs test when I was a teenager, and I was skewed way introverted. It was the only part of the analysis that shed any light on my personality. And yeah, whether I want to change is also something I’ve been trying to sort out. Like I said, it hasn’t bothered me in the past, but it feels like it’s beginning to hold me back. I suppose I assumed I’d grow out of it. I guess I’m trying to muster up the of resolve to give it an honest effort while keeping my expectations reasonable and attainable. It’s not really a stable equilibrium point for me: Lotsa work + little to show = ah, fuggit.

I think it’s related to a compulsion I have, where I want everyone to have a high opinion of me, or at least not a bad opinion of me. So I wind up keeping to myself. Better to remain quiet and let them suspect you’re a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt: man, that’s me all over. And that I could live without.

Perhaps that’s why I’m intrigued by the idea of a separate personality–who cares what anyone thinks of him? Let someone else try to please the world today. Ingenious. Makes me wonder how I ever wound up like this.

Thanks, folks! And Sparky, set aside an afternoon to write an OP sometime. Maybe composing the OP will help organize your thoughts, and running things past strangers can help. Lord knows I’ve been thinking in circles the past few days.

7

I have been shy all of my life, it being a genetic trait. I have learned to compensate for it- to fake it, if you will, and I’ve gotten very, very good at it. Even some of my closest friends have a hard time accepting that I’m not lying when I tell them that I am very shy.

I have to add, I understand the urge to want to change that about yourself, but once I learned that I’m introverted because I’m a highly sensitive person, and it’s a genetic trait and not something to be hated about myself, or changed, then it became a lot easier to be outgoing and gregarious, because I was more accepting of myself and my perceived faults. Does that make sense?

8

I am socially awkward, and quiet. That adds up to shy, even though I don’t think of myself in that term specifically.

9

I think so. I didn’t realize there was a genetic component to it, but I can’t say I’m shocked, considering my parents. The notion is a little discouraging! But being able to fake it–convincingly–is exactly what I’m aiming for. I suppose the main thing is to accept that it’s who I am so I can compensate for it.

I’ve spent some time trying to nail down a practical definition of shyness, and I’ve about given up. Am I shy because I’m generally content to let someone else steer the conversation? Some of my friendships seem to have had the unspoken understanding that it was the other person’s role to tell me about their mundane happenings, and it was my role to listen and nod in the appropriate places. In general, I was fine with this, but it was funny how any protracted deviation from the routine would be met with somewhat incredulous looks of incomprehension, even betrayal.

But simply being a listener can’t be it. Is it shyness if you don’t volunteer information about yourself to new acquaintances? If you withhold opinions and judgment? If you tend not to initiate conversations, or introduce yourself to strangers? I think I’m getting warmer, but it still doesn’t seem adequate. Is it shyness conveyed nonverbally? If you don’t make eye contact? Posture? I make a conscious effort at those.

Ah well. I’ll go to bed before I become completely incoherent.

10

Nope. But I overcompensate by acting like a complete prick. Working so far!

11

My response to the title is: only on the Dope.

I’m actually an odd opposite. I’ve gotten shier as I’ve gotten older. But I’ve also gotten better at getting past the superficial stage, and have a lot more real friends, rather than just people who forgot about me once they move up a grade, and we weren’t in the same school.

It’s actually nice that I don’t see people and think I have to go and talk to them, and get them to like me.

12

I’m very shy in certain circumstances. At a party, I will cling ot people I know, and if none are around I will sit in a corner silently.

On the job, it’s almost like I’m a different person. I’m very much in control. I can and do walk right up to total strangers and engage them. I’m very confident in my professional abilities to cope with anything that comes up.

I’m also not shy among people I know. I’ve gone to several Dopefest because I can imagine I know the people there, and I can talk to them. Outside of Dopers, most of the people I know I’ve met on the job, so I’m reasonably sure they have a positive impression of me.

13

I’m not shy at work with work people but I am shy in unexpected social situations with the same people. For example I can happily spend seven hours in an aluminium tube with three other people and hold conversations, make people laugh, and generally be outgoing. But if I meet those same people walking down the street I’ll feel awkward. I’ve figured out that I don’t like being in situations where I feel pressured to converse. At work if I have nothing to say then I say nothing and if no one else has anything to say then we can sit in comfortable silence for 30 minutes or more. If I meet them in the street though a 30 minute silence would be awkward, so I need to talk which means I need to think of things to say, and I don’t like that much. That’s not to say I can’t fake it, but I’m happy to be on my way.

For similar reasons I don’t like talking on the telephone and will never make a social telephone call.

I am most comfortable with a moderate number of people when I go out. If I am with just one person then I feel uncomfortable but if I’m with two or more, I don’t feel any pressure to hold my end of the conversation and therefore, perversely, find it easier to do so.

I’ve made no effort to change my personality other than to drink alcohol socially in order to lower my inhibitions.

14

I used to be really reserved until I got to know people well. I don’t know that I’m necessarily introverted, though-more like, I can spend a lot of time alone, but I definitely need to be social for a while, then decompress.

Anyway, for me what cured it was the nature of my job. I graduated as a lawyer when I was 25, moved out to California and started my clerkship. Orientation was one day and on the second my boss dropped a complicated corporate restructuring transaction on my desk and was like “call your clients and here’s the name of outside counsel, they’re expecting your call.” The learning curve was really steep and my mentor, who had been assigned to teach me (who ended up becoming my favourite co-worker), was standoffish at first so I had to go out of my way to court his favour as well.

So I was always in a position where I had to call a lot of people, ask a lot of people for help or talk to people about what they wanted. People were spread out all of the country so I had to do a lot of it on the phone.

I basically got over it really quickly because I didn’t want to lose my job-so I guess it was like being dumped in a pool and told to swim.

15

I learned over time how important it is to blend in more and network. Being too shy and introverted will prevent this. One significant reason for my change is the bringing up of a child. I have seen how “stage mothers” and even fathers have encouraged their children to step out and try things. They make them get up on the stage and perform. They take the reading parts and play instruments. Yes, they often fail at these things. They learn to laugh it off or get over it. After a few years I can see so much advancement in these children. They will be running the world and being very successful. Not that an introvert can’t be successful too, but having a network to build on is hugely helpful to conquering obstacles in life. So this has caused me to set a better example myself especially when accompanied with the kid. When we go places, I try to meet people and introduce us and so on. It’s the little things that add up.
If you simply can’t make major changes, try to make a few at work at least. It is certainly no crime to be introverted. If that’s your specialty, concentrate on something you are good at to the point that people beat a path to your door.

16

Some cliched but cliched-because-there’s-truth-to-them suggestions.

I’ve seen Toastmasters work. Or, find any impromptu occasion for public speaking (the bete noir of shy people).

Dancing is another one. I’ve seen dorky shy guys gain a lot of confidence by becoming just reasonably adept at dancing, whether through lessons or just informally (how hard is it to two-step?). Bonus is that it combines overcoming fear of humiliation (overrated, most people are focusing on having a good time themselves) and nervousness with the opposite sex (there’s often a shortage of men interested in dancing, and most women who are competent but not contest-grade dancers will be pretty patient kind of guiding a neophyte guy through the paces).

Stand up comedy has worked for some. But you don’t have to do the open mike night. People like to be entertained, and I’ll guarantee that you have at least three or four incidents in your life that are pretty humorous or surreal or absurd. Just don’t be afraid to chime in when there’s a conversational opening with “so one time, there I was, in a bar full of midgets . . .” and hone the story to focus on the funniest aspects. Is that fake? Not really, everyone likes funny old stories among family and friends, and if you can make people laugh by honing your delivery or even supplementing the absolute truth a little, people will seek you out to hear your funny stories.

The two big lessons I’ve learned are:

(a) cultivate the mindset that when you approach a group, there’s nothing bad that can happen, and if you don’t click, it’s probably their fault and their loss;

(b) understand that few people are absolute naturals at social interaction, so that to a lesser degree we all need to “try.” I had occasion to contemplate that with an ex who was at first reluctant to go to parties with me, which was kind of offensive. Turned out she (one of life’s comparatively few natural chatterboxes) took my day-to-day somewhat reserved personality as a sign she’d have to babysit me or I’d be miserable and isolated at the party and neither of us would have any fun. I finally convinced her I could fend just fine on my own and she said “wow, I was surprised by how you chatted up all those strangers.” I said, “well, it beat the alternative of staring at my shoes.” Basically you’ll find it’s almost always possible to flip the switch and tell yourself, I’m going to do my best to get a conversation going and keep it going. With practice it doesn’t even seem forced. Most people, by the way, will at least try back – if you make no headway at all in getting a non-awkward interaction going, maybe you need to find a new crowd (it’s not you it’s them).

Oh, final note. Some of the most socially adaptable and at-ease people I know have gotten that way by being open to talking to just about anyone. Shy people are often also well-read and smart people, so sort of interviewing a stranger, and keying your follow-ups to their responses, is a great icebreaker, especially when the person has a random or arcane background. So seek out oddball conversations – once you’ve had dinner with six Jesuits or gone out drinking with 50 year old Korean businessmen (I am assuming here you aren’t a Jesuit or Korean businessman), or whatever, going to a party where you’ll be talking with people of your same general age/background should entail little dread.

17

You’re lucky that people interpret you as shy. I actually am shy, but I’ve had many people interpret that as snobbery.

18

Eh? Could you expland on that?

(If I’m not talking to you, it’s not because I think I’m superior to you! If anything, I think I’m inferior! At least partly because I’m still trying to figure out who you are…)

19

Well, you nailed it. Because I’m not smiling and laughing and chatting with people, I get reports back from friends that so-and-so thinks I’m stuck up, or so-and-so thinks I don’t like them, or whatever. So-and-so always turns out to be female.

20

**Alice The Goon **, I could be wrong, but I do not believe that “shyness” is a genetic trait.

As far as being shy goes… ITS FINE! Let yourself be shy. Enjoy it. Figure out why you’re “shy”. Are you thinking? Analyzing? Uncomfortable? Comfortable? There are reasons why you are the way you are.

I’m extremely quiet when I first meet someone. It takes a longer than normal period of time before I open up and become talkative. Outgoing, even.

I’m quiet because I’m listening to everyone, trying to figure them out, and generally absorbed in the atmosphere and situation. It’s not a concious thing. I don’t sit there and make mental check lists of people and how they react, etc…

I just like to listen to people and get a feel for them. Most often, I don’t even realize how quiet I’m being until some uncouth individual decides to comment on how “shy” I am. I’m usually caught off guard (because, like I said, I get lost in thought and listening that I don’t even realize that I’m being quiet), feel embarrassed, and try to be more “outgoing”.

The rest of the night is awful. I focus on trying to find things to say, I obsess over how I’m acting, and… well it sucks.

Now, instead of letting other people judge me and throw me off, I respond to these shy “accusations” by explaining that I’m not really “shy”, I’m just interested in listening and observing. I know all there is about ME, what I think and how I feel… I’m more interested in listening to other people talk, so I can learn about them, how they think and how they feel.

Like you, I do ask a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious, but a big part of it is selfish. I’m trying to avoid the “shy” statements. When people ask me about me, I answer, and then I talk a little bit more (boring MYSELF), just to ensure that nobody feels the need to point out how little I talk.

So, really, all I’m saying is… yes, of course you have to make minor adjustments (like it seems you have) to fit into society. But the biggest part of overcoming “shyness” is to realize that it’s perfectly normal and fine to be a quiet person. Shit, I wish more people were quiet.

As far as meeting people… I don’t know. I have friends through old friends or through work… it was hard for me to cultivate the friendships because of how quiet I am at first, but the good people stayed around long enough to make it work.

Plus, a lot of people suck. They are not worthy of your friendship. They just want to talk about stupid bullshit that’s going to bore you, anyway, so… you’re better off without them.