Has anyone overcome shyness? if so how?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I dont know what type of shyness i have (ie, why i’m shy). I am not nervous around people. I used to have really bad self esteem but its better now. I think its just that i don’t have anything i want to talk about with most people. This is a good/bad thing i guess. On one hand i want to interact with people more but i don’t want to ‘fake’ and force conversation i find uncomfortable with them.

Does anyone have experience with this type of shyness? How did you deal with it?

I think that if i develop a list of conversation topics that interest me then i can partially overcome this shyness by sticking to topics i want to talk about with people.

I think i’ll still have trouble initiating conversations with people.

2

I used to be much more shy than I am. I think almost everyone, even the most natural social animals, go through moments of awkwardness.

I think faking and forcing conversation actually went a long way. What I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really matter what you say in the first few moments of conversation, just that you keep talking, thus indicating interest in making a connection with the person.

Small talk, that most hated convention, is the thing. It’s topics are so mundane because they are things we all have in common–the weather, the news, the immediate surroundings. The idea is to sort of cast about for topics you have a mutual interest in.

Part of it is just learning to tolerate being uncomfortable. This is true of acquiring any skill.

When do you experience the most shyness? It’s possible you have inappropriate expectations of when you ought to be able to connect with people. I’ve found that it’s pretty hard (and for the most part not worth the effort) to strike up conversations with total strangers in public settings, e.g. train station, hotel lobby. I have also found that classes are overrated as a way to meet people.

Meeting people is much easier when you have a “roof” that constitutes some sort of basic “introduction”–that is you already know something about the other person by virtue of their presence. A party=you all know the host. A hiking club=you’re all interested in hiking, you get the idea. (I realize as I’m writing this that classes ought to work by this criteria. Maybe I’ll start a thread to find out why they don’t)

Anyway, don’t give up hope! Most people experience some degree of shyness. There are tons of books written on this topic.

3

I used to be cronically shy as a kid and a teenager. Forcing myself to leave my comfort zone by going to live in a foreign country with no family or friends around, forced me to change - I didn’t really see how much myself, but my family and friends certainly did. I had a rule that I would say ‘yes’ to every invitation to go out that came my way. Before I used to say ‘no’ all the time, in fear really.
I had a hard time for the first few months, lost appetite totally and was very nervous all the time. I think I had that uncomfortable feeling for most of the week for around 2 years? I had great times in the weekends and met heaps of people, but it basically turned my life around and I am a fairly confident and non-shy person now. I still have the odd day when I lose it and would prefer to be by myself all day.

4

Actually get the other person to talk about things they like and listen and ask questions to learn more and if something that the other person says reminds you of something, bring that up and that is how a good conversation starts. That’s how to get over shyness.

5

Comedy. Many comedians are very shy people. But I think if you can put other people at ease, you’ll be more at ease yourself.

Also, I think the news is a great way to get into conversation. Both sides can bring a viewpoint to the table, so it doesn’t get boring.

Have confidence that what you say has value.

6

I’m guessing it’s because it’s an artificial situation where you and the other person are both passively “there” as part of an audience. If you’re looking to strike up a conversation with someone, you could use it as a topic, but as a natural way to meet people, not so much. (Depends whether the class is in your major or not, I guess. also.)

As far as the OP is concerned – you’ve got to force yourself. After many, many years I can make small talk with strangers. It will never be my idea of a good time – I’m a natural introvert – but I can do it, and often find it worth doing.

As someone said – If you’re wondering what people think about you, for the most part – they don’t.

7

Excellent point.

What also helped me considerably was the realization that no-one was really paying all that much attention to me anyway. One thing I’ve noticed about shy people, including myself, is that we tend to put too much emphasis on “what people will think.” Or what we’ll look like to people or how we’ll be perceived or whatever.

The fact is that people just aren’t thinking of much beyond themselves at any given time. If you’re in a social situation and you do make a gaffe of some kind, it might be remarked upon momentarily but life goes on.

For me, I realized I was being silly and a little arrogant to think that people really gave that much of a shit about anything I said or did. That took some of the pressure off and made it easier to just talk to people.

Once you get talking to people you soon realize that everyone has their self-esteem problems and yours are probably no worse than others. That helped level the field for me in a big way.

Good luck :slight_smile:

8

First I’d recommend going to a psychologist, if you can afford it. Not a psychiatrist, because they’ll most likely treat it with medication, and IMO shyness is a learned behavior, as is social confidence (no offense to any psychiatrists here). Any psychologists here can better explain what may be going on mentally here.

That said, some tips. Find some interests, the more, the better. People like to talk with others about mutual interests. Explore those interests, that is how you’ll meet people with those interests, and you can practice talking with them.

GET OUT. Get used to being around people in public. If you don’t have a group of friends you can or want to consistently go oth with, go out alone. People who are alone are very approachable. Plus, counter-intuitively, I’ve found, it makes you seem MORE socially confident, as in, you’re not afraid to go out alone. Most people are.

Be nice, and be relaxed. Smile, and call the other person by name. Someone who’s nice and relaxed and smiling is easy to talk to. Let the conversation flow. Ask questions, seem interested. If it doesn’t seem to be going well, bail.

Get used to rejection, and don’t let it bother you. This is much easier said than done. Many other people are shy, and will have just as much trouble talking with you as you are having with them. Also, people are busy and preoccupied, and just may not have the time to talk. As you practice meeting and talking with people, eventually it won’t seem like such a big deal if you get blown off. Just tell yourself that there are 6 billion people in the world, and it won’t be hard to find someone else. Also, as you talk with people more, you’ll start to learn who to avoid, and who to talk to, and how to talk to them, etc. Plus, you’ll begin to realize there’s always someone else to talk to.

It takes time, but it can be done. Eventually it’s easy. Hope this helps. Good luck.

9

I have to second this. Showing people you’re a good listener and that you care and can relate in some way to the things they are saying helps to get the ball rolling. I find that lots of people like to talk about themselves, to be listened to, to feel important in some way for a few moments. I’ve used that to my advantage (without being too intrusive, naturally). As a result, most people say I’m easy to talk to, even though talking to people still terrifies me at times.

During those times I’m feeling extra shy–I end up talking TOO MUCH. I start to babble. This puts people off. Once you start to feel more comfortable talking to people, make sure you keep the conversation two-sided. :slight_smile:

10

15 years ago…I would flunk out of a college class because I was to shy to ask a question. I’d lose financial aid because I was too shy to inquire at the office about something.

Now: I am noted in all reviews as aggressive, outgoing, and a leader…someone who builds relationships…etc. Everyone knows me as the entertainer at a get together…or the nut.

Change: Seinfeld. George does the opposite. I did it and it worked. That and NIKE’s ad campaign, “Just do it”.

11

Like START and Kaitlin said.

The shyness goes away once you concentrate not on yourself but on the other person. Just ask questions, and follow up on this questions. (So you’ve gone to … school? How did you like it?) That will at least get the conversation going, which makes it easier to put in a few sentences of yourself, too. And thereby you can learn how other people talk about stuff.

12

I’ve found that one of the easiest ways to initiate a conversation is like what START mentioned: Get the other person to talk about themselves. Most of the time you can find something about another person that you can do this with - something they are wearing, something about an event that you are both at, something on their desk at work, etc. Maybe it’s something you are familiar with: touch on your interest briefly and ask them how they feel about it. Maybe you’re not familiar with it: indicate an interest and have them tell you about it. Just be a good listener, and use the power of eye contact. Lock into their eyes, let your eyes show that you want to listen to them.

For most people, the sweetest sound to them is their own voice, especially when they are talking to someone who is showing a genuine interest. Let’s face it, most people like to talk about themselves. Most people also like to feel good about themselves, and you can do that by showing a genuine interest. Now, you may not really have a genuine interest in whatever it is about them, but if you at least appear interested, most people will enjoy talking to you. You’ll be able to sense that they enjoy talking to you about whatever it is, and eventually that will wear away your shyness.

Just people naturally enjoy feeling good about themselves, in this case by talking to someone with an interest, so too will you start to feel good about yourself because of their positive reaction to you.

The best way to practice this is with someone you already know. Ask them about anything that they like, or maybe a piece of jewelry they are wearing (“Wow, that’s a nice stone, what kind is it?” even if you already know). Pay attention to the way they’ll change immediately: facial expressions, body language, their eyes. Try it. Soon you’ll see that you can make people enjoy talking to you, and that will help eliminate your own self-doubt.

13

Mine disapeared slowly as I gained more confidence in the gym. Strange that there would be a carry over into real life, but for me there was.

14

I became much more outgoing through two things:

  1. I met people who valued me as an individual. I went from being a picked-on high school geek to college, where suddenly I was able to find lots of other people who were as as weird as I was and had similar priorities: physics majors, role-players, etc. Not much you can do about this on your own, I’m afraid, other than looking for people who share your interests.

  2. I became (or rather am in the process of trying to become) much less self absorbed.

As other people have said, a lot of shyness comes from the mistaken belief that people are intensely concentrating on you, just waiting for you to say the wrong thing so they can make fun of how stupid you are. Which is how life seemed day-in, day-out in high school, actually, now that I think about it. I wonder if it really was like that, or if it was just my perception as a shy person that every time I opened my mouth I said the wrong thing and was mocked for it. But, anyway, once you live in the real world with grown-ups, it’s really not that way, I promise. Most people just aren’t paying that much attention because, seriously, you’re just not that interesting.

What they are interested in is themselves. Again, I’m echoing what other people have said, but learn to ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. I don’t know about you, but my normal mode is to be a rather poor converational partner and answer questions asked of me, or bring up topics that are intersesting to me. Things go more smoothly, and you make a better impression, if you are focused on the other person.

15

This is so true. How I solved some of it may not make sense to everyone, but it worked for me.

If I’m in a situation where I don’t know what I’m doing, or I feel awkward, I’ll say so. I’ll try to make it funny if I can, always self-deprecating. “I have never been here before and I have no idea what in the hell I’m doing!”

I don’t care if people are laughing with me or at me so long as I initiate it. :slight_smile:

And, sometimes, it falls flat. But then I can look at the other person and think, “Where the hell is your sense of humor” rather than “What is wrong with me?”

16

I feel so bad for shy people. I mean, I practically came out of the womb tap dancing and cracking jokes. I don’t know that I’ve had a shy minute in my entire life. I strike up conversations with strangers all the time - on any subject, but usually something in the immediate vicinity.

As a teacher, I have to work hard to remember that some of my students would prefer having limbs ripped off by rabid wolves than speak in front of the class. Since the curriculum requires students to give at least two presentations a year, I can’t get around requiring them, and I’ve had students who have taken zeroes rather than get up in front of the class (though, a few of them may just have not done their work at all and had nothing to show).

Could any of you shy folk give me some suggestions as to how to make class presentations less traumatic for my shy students? Your help is greatly appreciated.

17

For one thing phouka, don’t call on them first! Get the more confident ones up there on the first day of presentations. That way, the shy ones can learn from them as they watch.

Also, when you assign them their presentations beforehand, give out a few pointers on basic speech techniques, and criticize yourself from time to time, even if you’re not weak in the area you’re talking about. For instance, say “Make eye contact with a friendly face in the audience. That’s something I forget to do all the time.” The shy ones see as you as confident and bold, and think they can’t measure up to you. By talking about your weaknesses, it makes them identify with you, and come to the conclusion that if you can do it, they can too.

18

phouka, I’m one of those who told the teacher I’d rather fail the assignment than speak in front of the class, because I was too terrified to do so. The teacher was so nice he didn’t fail me, though (Dr. Kumar, I remember you fondly).

What’s helped me in the last 6 months or so, to the point that the change is very drastic, is running (and to a lesser extent, playing) a D&D game (Dungeons & Dragons). I used to be the type that froze if too many people had their attentions directed at me. After playing in a D&D game with a total of 10 players, and having 9 people listening to me when I said something, I started to relax. Then I started my own game. I only had 3 players, and one of them is my husband, but it meant I had to actually act out a little bit with people watching me. It was terrifying at first, and I’m still not comfortable completing acting out, but I’m getting better. Now I don’t freeze when I have to talk to several people at once. I may not be ready to take to the stage or address the nation, but I can confidently say that my shyness level has dropped drastically.

I still freeze when presented with impromptu conversations such as the OP mentions. I sometimes seem extraordinarily rude because someone says something amusing, but they catch me off guard, and I basically give a half smile and walk away. I always feel bad that I inadvertantly ruined their day with my rudeness, but it’s never intentional (if I’m going to be a bitch, it’s usually pretty obvious).

Though more appropriate for parties or other social gatherings where you’re around the other person for a significant period of time (as opposed to chatting with someone waiting in line), one question that never fails to surprise people is to ask them what their hobbies are. Sure, you can ask someone what they do for a living, how many children they have, and comment on the weather, but people actually rarely get asked about their hobbies. That usually leads to more questions about the hobby mentioned, or potentially a shared interest and possible new friend. Because let’s face it, we’re more likely to be friends with people with which we share hobbies than people whose only connection is the ages of our children or the jobs we work.

19

Hmmm. Good advice from alot of you.
HOwever i dont know if i fear what others think of me. Alot of you are talking about giving speeches. That reminds me of some girl in my chemistry class. She has a social network and several friends she always talks to but i overheard her once say to the instructor ‘i sit in the back of the classroom so the teacher never calls on me’. That woman is afraid of what others think. I on the other hand (although cautious) have no problem answering questions in a room of 200 other students. I have even cracked a joke or two and had half the class laughing. So i don’t think fear of what others think is my problem. For that particular girl, sure. BUt for me i think its more that i don’t have much i ‘want’ to talk about most of the time but i still desire human interaction.

20

Well if you don’t really have a lot you want to talk about but crave human interaction it really sounds like some kind of physical activity group/team/club might be great for you. Hiking club/rowing club/biking club/backpacking club. Adult recreational volleyball/softball/soccer team. Workout buddy for running or weight training.

Or contrariwise a book club. I belong to 2 book clubs and each has a member or two that is pretty quiet, but the atmosphere is congenial, friendly and easy. Presumably everyone goes home with their human interaction tank on full.