Help me talk to guys

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

deep breath

All right, here’s the deal. I find it very difficult to talk to members of the opposite sex. Especially attractive members of the opposite sex. It’s…impossible for me.

I’m pretty shy and introverted and don’t like talking to complete strangers for any reason, let alone making obvious an attraction. While I might make small talk with an average looking guy (i.e. “How’d you do on that test?”, “Our teacher sure sucks, doesn’t he?”), with an attractive guy I’ll just sort of clam up for fear he’ll think I’m weird or stupid. The few times I’ve tried to start conversation, my throat will actually close up and I’ll stare at the floor or something.

And I’ll always make excuses for myself. “Oh, you don’t need to talk to him. It’s not a big deal. He probably has a girlfriend. He’s too good-looking to even think about you. He’ll just think you’re a weird nerd/dork.”

And there’s always one guy every semester. It never fails. Never two guys I’d like to talk to, never none, but just one. The one I think about at idle moments and wish, wish to God I had the nerve to talk to, just once.

Normally I wouldn’t care; relationships aren’t really a priority for me. But I’m really getting tired of the constant back and forth in my head. The fear versus the want, so to speak. And seeing something you want within reach and not being able to reach it can get…frustrating. IfyaknowwhatImean

So…help. How do I get over this awful awkwardness and shyness? How do I face my fears and flirt and talk like a regular person? You are my last hope, Obi-wan. Er…dopers.

2

TALK ABOUT
Sports
Meat
Cartoons
Star Trek/Wars
Burping
Potty Humor
Sex
Beer

DON’T TALK ABOUT
Relationships
Feelings
Children
Clothes
Shopping
Ex-Boyfriends

3

I think you already know what you need to do. Just talk. See how it goes. And, maybe, sometimes it won’t work out and the guy will think you’re a nerd or whatever. You know what? It doesn’t really matter. This is the real lesson. Nothing that will come from actually acting outgoing will be worse than what you’re going through now.

I really, really, wish you the best.

4

Start charming very person you meet, regardless of whether or not you are attracted to them. The guy at the gas station, the lady at the register, the old folks on the bench, kids waiting in line, the custodians, the cool people, the dorks, everyone you meet. It will be easy to talk to ‘that guy’ if you grow accustomed to it.

5

Start by making it a habit to smile at everyone. Meet their eyes and smile. Everyone is more attractive when they look happy. If you do it with everyone you meet, it becomes a habit and part of you. Don’t worry, many people will look away and/or not smile back. No big deal, the smile you gave cost you nothing.

Then understand that most guys won’t require that much work. Just ask them about themselves. They’ll do the talking.

Lastly, understand that everyone gets rejected. I know that at the age of 46 few or none of those rejects stand out in my mind and none of them changed the quality of my life at all. So don’t worry, just move on and talk to someone else.

Look at the book: Goodbye to shy or How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationship

Good luck.

6

Wait, you are a girl.

We can’t talk to you. because we’re staring at your…
If you’re in class with them, talk to them about that.

7

I use to have difficulty talking to women myself, and then someone explained it to me like this:

If I walk into a bar single (and no, I’m not a bar type either, just go along) and I see someone I’m attracted to but don’t talk to her, I go home single; nothing gained, nothing lost. If I talk to her, there’s two possibilities. If she enjoys my company, great, I’ve gained at least a friend and quite probably more. If she rejects me, I go home single; nothing gained, nothing lost. IOW, you really don’t have anything to lose.

Of course, the concept of rejection is a little bit more difficult to overcome than that, but it was a good way to start thinking about how it would really affect me. The other thing I’ve found is that, unless it was someone that I’d had an attraction to for an extended amount of time, and thus worked up some sort of ideal of who they are, the rejection is nowhere near as bad as the anticipation of rejection. Think about it, does the fact that someone you don’t know isn’t interested in dating you REALLY going to hurt that much? Surely, rejection is painful when it’s someone on whom you’ve had a crush for a long time, or a friend of some sort.

And really, it’s all about confidence, strangely enough, a lot of very good looking people (moreso women, but for some men as well) have difficulty getting in relationships precisely because of the thought pattern you mention. That is, the person who would approach thinks “he/she is too good looking for me” and then ends up talking himself/herself out of it. If you like yourself, and you’re confident enough to approach him, it goes MILES to setting things up in your favor.

Finally, as a few others have said, the only real way to overcome the shyness is practice. Start small talk with strangers that you feel might be personable, particularly men near your age, regardless of whether you find them attractive or not. Once it comes naturally to start conversations with people in general, you won’t be self-conscious about coming off stuttery, or nerdish, or awkward or whatever. You’ll just be able to be yourself, and that’s what matters the most.

Happy hunting.

8

And many does not equal most. I get about an 80% return smile rate.

And I agree, the best way to learn the approach is to approach. Everyone. You’ll quickly learn that people are not very standoffish at all. They have their own insecurities, and appreciate getting attention. Just like you.

Great (mis)quote: “What? You mean I have to talk to guys? And old people? And children? No way! I only want to talk to supermodels in bars who are surrounded by drunk and belligerent men!”

9

This isn’t about not being able to talk to them, it is about low self esteem on your end.

I promise if you start doing things to make yourself feel better about you talking to attractive guys won’t be so hard.

I have the exact opposite of the problem you have. I have way too much self esteem. I think that I am really awesome and that obviously everyone else should think I am awesome too. It isn’t that I am hotter than Heidi Klum or anything, I just like myself and it never occurs to me that anyone else wouldn’t like me too. I talk to everyone all the time and because of that I tend to date a lot. The downside to having too much self esteem is that people think I am kind of blunt and bitchy from time to time, but it is a small price to pay for extreme awesomeness, I promise. :slight_smile:

10

And the approach is nowhere near as bad as the anticipation of the approach. Do not psych yourself up, because you’ll just end up psyching yourself out. Three second rule it.

It’s amazing that once you open your mouth, the fear just dissapates like magic.

11

It’s always better if you have a shared context to talk about (class, work, whatever). “Do you know what’s on the exam?” “Did you see that last memo from HR?” “Does this bus stop at Rice and Shehaddin?”

If you can disconnect “talking to people” from your goal of “I’ve got to meet that person!”, it’ll be easier to talk to anyone.

12

I think your self-esteem is just about right.

But seriously, that is NOT a good color on you.

13

Perhaps it would help to remember that they’re more afraid of you than you are of them?

14

The great looking guy is no different than the average looking guy you can already talk to. He farts, he scratches, he picks his nose, he beats off, he burps, he cries, etc. along with the rest of them. Knock him off the pedestal. Don’t rush it. Don’t worry about the flirting, just talk. If it feels right after you two start talking, the flirting will come naturally. If there’s no chemistry, you’ve at least made a friend.

15

Isn’t that called “having an ego”? :stuck_out_tongue:

Seriously though, my theory is that this is where the stereo types about good-looking women dating “assholes” and good-looking guys dating “bitches”. There’s often a fine line between being self-confident and having an ego, very much in the same way that there’s a fine line between being modest and having low self-esteem.

IME, men, and women for that matter, generally find self-confidence attractive (unless they’re the type of person you may not want to be with anyway). Why must an attractive guy have a girlfriend? They have relationships just like everyone else. Why is he too good looking for you? Its entirely possible, and I can speak from experience, that he was admiring you from across the room and didn’t have the confidence to speak to you.

16

The advice in the thread so far has been really good. Especially the bit about talking to EVERYONE. I am painfully shy myself, but I work in an industry where I have to schmooze on a regular basis. I make an effort to small talk everyone I meet and it helps.

You know what else helped, working in retail sales when I was in college. Give it a shot. If you don’t have a job you like get a job selling clothing or working in a coffee shop. You will be talking to people all day long as part of your job, and your social confidence will skyrocket.

If all else fails, remember, guys are more afraid of you then you are of them.

17

I am not shy but I had an ex that was. She worked really hard to get over it, including time spent in therapy working on it specifically. By the time we were together, she was doing pretty well but still had moments. She had to consciously choose to be bold and she was always so proud of herself when it worked out.

18

Don’t start with cute guys.

Start with strangers that you have an opportunity to talk to.

The more you practice, the easier it will be.

19

Yeah, but how many great looking guys can do these things all at the same time?? Huh?

That’s what I thought.

20

Show up naked.
Bring beer.