I’m having problems talking to women. Let me clarify: I’m new to this area (Triangle, NC) since August. I want to start dating around, but I don’t really know where to start. But the problem I have is quite specific:
I don’t have any problem going up to and speaking to a strange girl (in a coffee shop, say).
I also don’t have any problem chatting away and making a move or getting a number from a girl with whom I’m chatting and having a nice time.
But I really have no idea how to move from one stage to the next! That is, how do I move from the awkward initial (“hi, how are you?”) to a real conversation? The theme in my life seems to be, approach hot girl, exchange pleasantries, but then run out of things to say and leave with my tail between my legs.
And y’know, you hear so many people say ‘Oh, I hate small talk, it’s such a waste of time’.
But the aim of small talk is to find things in common, so that you’ll have something more in-depth to talk about!
The key is practice. It’ll feel weird the first few times you try it, but it’ll get easier and easier the more you practice.
There are so many questions you can ask, and it might feel like you’re interviewing the other person at first, but you’ll get better and better at making it a conversation.
Ask a question, let the other person answer it, ask them additional questions to let them know you’ve listened and heard, then offer up your own answer to the question. If she’s in to you (and can also do small talk), she’ll ask you questions about your answer, and you go from there. The key is to not just ask her questions and stand there nodding dumbly, but to also offer your own answers/opinions/thoughts, so that you are sharing some of yourself just as she is sharing with you.
Summarizes the 30 year-old student, “The theme in my life seems to be, approach hot girl, exchange pleasantries, but then run out of things to say and leave with my tail between my legs.”
You’re almost there. You just need a few tweaks. Try this next time…
“The theme in my life seems to be, approach hot girl, exchange saliva, but then get out of our clothes and leave with my Johnson between her legs.”
Stare at her boobs, so she knows you’re interested on that level.
But seriously, as sandra_nz said, and please allow me a bit of artistic license, it’s all about asking questions. [Brace yourself for chauvinistic comment ahead…] Women love talking about themselves, so give them the opportunity to do so.
Ah, but what about the gap between hello and small talk? That’s a tough one.
Have a few canned stories or situational questions already prepared. When she starts responding to those, she’ll hand you material. Stories can be tough, but situational questions are pretty easy to think up in advance, or even on the spot.
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
“You get all your Christmas shopping done yet?”
“Nice tan. You been to the beach?”
Boom. Instant topic where there’s some nice give and take potential.
I would suggest a completely different strategy. Instead of trying to talk up random strangers with the end result being a satisfying, physical relationship with somebody who is not crazy - a goal that is akin to nailing a triple summersault started from a hand stand off the high platform (Yes, it can be done but it is really difficult), why not take the easy way.
Join some sort of group that contains women. There are lots of them - in a church, for a political candidate, any type of interest. Then you can get to know one of them and they can get to know you. Instead of being a complete stranger who approaches them out of the blue (i.e. a serial killer), you become a friend. You can easily chat someone up, suggest grabbing a cup of coffee, etc. and go from there.
I’ve recently read of a social gathering club/movement called Drinking Liberally. Basically, a bunch of like-minded people come together and drink. How cool is that?
That was my point, sorry if I glossed over it. Everybody loves to talk about themselves. When flirting with the opposite sex, allow and give them the opportunity them to do so. It works.
If I say a word that I learned in an engineering context, I realize it’s time to shut up and ask another question.
It makes sense that you’d need to narrow down the conversation under those circumstances. Because really, all you’ve got is a) What’s it like being hot? and b) So… you like coffee. It would probably be a bit easier in a book store or on campus. But if you’re really struggling for conversation (on the phone or on dates, I assume, as you can get past the digits stage), yeah, ask her a few questions and let her steer the conversation if that’s her thing. Not that all women want to talk about themselves, but being a good listener is vastly underrated.
A good way to practice the transition from pleasantries to conversations is to chat with people with whom you don’t want to do the horizontal mambo. Trying to have real conversations about stuff with the cashier at the cafeteria, or whoever else you run into in the run of the day lets you tone up you conversational skills with bona fide strangers who don’t care about you, while still keeping the stakes low. Plus, random people might get to like you and think you are nice and friendly. So when you meet the cashier’s hot daughter…she’ll also think you’re a good conversationalist.
When you get to the “exchange pleasantries” stage, keep exchanging. If the exchange goes on long enough, you will get to the “exchange phone numbers” portion. If it fizzles out, there’s a good chance that the girl is just being polite.
I’m not single, but I’ve gotten much better at small talk since entering the “real” world.
For instance, you could start with (yawn) the weather.
“Nice weather.”
“Yes, it is.”
Now you could stop there and be dead in the water, or you can keep going.
“I hope we get some snow for the holidays.”
Now this gives her a chance to either say, “Yes, a little snow would be nice,” and turn away dismissing you, or she may say, “I’ve never seen a white Christmas.” Whereupon you are now given an opening to say, “Oh that’s a shame! Where did you grow up?”
Conversation is like ping pong. As long as both people keep lobbing comments back and forth, it will continue. At any point, either person can drop the ball and end the conversation. Just practice keeping up your end with comments that invite response. If your conversation partner is not responding, give it up and let her go or you risk being a pest. Body language and eye contact will also tell you if you’ve got a willing participant.
Name - important, and if he/she has an unusual name it can lead to some conversation.
Family - Not just, whether he/she is married, but where are the parents, siblings etcetera, again this can lead to some decent conversation.
Where they live - Ask this cautiously, you don’t want to look like a stalker. Again, if you know anything about the area where he/she lives throw it out there. At this point you can mention where you have lived before you moved here.
Work - Delve.
Travel/vacation - this is usually a lot of fun to talk about, and by now you have some interests in common.
To extend that, think of times when you’ve been chatted up that you liked it, and times when you didn’t (and I don’t mean by a hot chick). Is there anyone you come across in plain daily life who you kind of enjoy exchanging pleasantries with? I had my “aha!” moment with this when I had to start using a downtown pay parking lot every day, years ago. The fiftyish lot attendant made me happy every morning. He made everybody happy every morning. He liked people. He brought coffee cans full of flowers he’d grown himself to give away. He wanted to know what you were reading, and he remembered later. He loved getting compliments on the flowers and let you see how happy you’d made him. He didn’t pester anyone. His only agenda seemed to be enjoying talking to people. He didn’t seem to want anything from anyone.
Contrast that with every smarmy salesperson you’ve ever interacted with, every door-knocking missionary, etc. They’re stinky with wanting-something-from-you. You don’t want to be that guy. More so, since I bet you aren’t that guy, you don’t want to be mistaken for that guy. Even when you do want something from the hot chick, she might forgive you if you show her that’s not all you want.
It’s good to get used to simply enjoying human interaction. I think it’s also harder than most people, including me, realize at first. Takes practice like anything else.
You know, I think it’s more that everybody loves to talk about themselves to someone who’s genuinely interested. So it’s good to practice becoming genuinely interested in people who are talking to you. I don’t mean practice faking, but practice finding ways to in fact connect with what strangers have to say.
Obligatory. “But enough about me. What do YOU think of my last movie?”
I’m not all that great at small talk, but the key is practice. I tend to listen more and interject a comment here and there. That makes for difficult one-on-one conversation. But, if you happen upon a subject that I am passionate about, I can talk and talk and talk. The fear of rejection is strong, but if you want to get better at it, you must take the first step and initiate conversation. That goes for both men and women. If you want something, you have to go for it.
Have you tried drinking heavily? Alcohol is not known as a social lubricant for nothing, most people never run out of things to talk about once they’ve got a few in them.