Help me Talk to Girls, Because I have No Idea What the Hell I'm Doing

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m 20 years old and I still haven’t even been on a date. It’s sad, pathetic and even depressing to an extent.

My problem: I have no idea how to talk to girls. That’s not to say I’ve never asked anyone out (I have a couple times), but those never panned out. Interestingly enough, I’m fairly certain a few girls have been interested in me, and one even asked me out a few years ago, unfortunately I wasn’t interested any of them.

Anyways, getting back to my problem. I have no idea how I’d strike up a conversation with someone (say a girl in a class of mine, for instance), without worrying constantly as coming off as desperate, anxious, etc. In other words, I don’t know how I’d start a conversation without it coming across as stilted or contrived (not that it would be, but it’s a fear of mine). Not only that, I just have no idea how to begin a conversation; I’m also afraid of saying something stupid. Oh, and I’m also timid and shy, though I don’t think I portray myself as such, if that makes sense.

So yeah, that’s my problem in a nut-shell. If anyone has any advice on how to approach girls in a classroom setting (or wherever else), starting a conversation, maintaining a conversation, or anything else for that matter, I’m all ears.

And I just realized that I wrote this stupid post on a Friday night. Case in point :frowning:

2

Don’t be down on yourself, my first date was at 22. And I’m a girl! And I don’t think I’m bad looking… I’ve just recently gotten the hang of being social with the opposite sex and it’s not as hard as you might think.

IMHO, one of the best skills you can ever have is the ability to conversationally improv about random topics. You can DEFINITELY practice this. One thing that I’ve found that helps is carrying a notebook around and recording the interesting things that happen during the day, things you’ve observed, questions that you have about life. Do this everyday and you will notice your perception sharpening. When you take things in, you filter them once. By writing them down, you filter them again. This is the same thing that good conversation emulates.

Anyway, that’s more long term. Short term? Be friendly, try to act somewhat casual, like you think talking to them will be fun, not like you’re trying to achieve an end. And this is where your notebook of interesting thoughts comes in. You can lean over and say something like, “hey, have you noticed how professor X keeps pulling the sleeves down? maybe she’s trying to hide drug scars.” The world is full of conversation material, you just have to learn to see and translate it.

Having a prepared line is stilted and contrived. Plus, then, you have to worry about what you’re going to say in reply, and then you can’t relax at all and listen to what she’s saying.

I hope that helps…

3

In your situation, it sounds like it would be in your best interest to deal in volume. The only way to get to know girls is to talk to them. If you want to avoid embarrassment, think about the fact that one day you will be middle-aged and likely live in a different state and it’s entirely worthless to worry about arbitrary humiliation from girls who mean nothing to you at this point.

4

I think you’re approaching this the wrong way. They’re not “girls” en masse, a single terrifying gestalt: they’re a bunch of people who happen to be female. Some you’ll like, some you won’t. Some you’ll have stuff in common with, others you’ll cross the street to avoid. Oddly enough, they’ll probably respond to you in the same fashion. They’re strangely like guys in that respect: individuals, in other words.

As for advice in talking to them, well, talk to them as you would any adult human being: don’t approach every single bearer of XX chromosomes as a potential date or sex partner - there’ll be time for that later, perhaps.

If you find someone you like, or who seems to like you, ask them out for coffee, or a drink, or a movie - again, this is not a strategy to get them to jump into bed with you - make friends with them. Talk to them. They’re really not that scary - they won’t run off screaming into the night; the worst you’ll get is a polite refusal.

Persevere. Don’t worry about being stilted or contrived - if you’re treating them as people rather than unattainable love goddesses, there’s nothing to be stilted or contrived about. This isn’t a plan for “picking up chicks”, after all: maybe you won’t get a girlfriend out of the girls you talk to, but that probably shouldn’t be your immediate goal, or you’re destined for disappointment: this is life, not the movies.

Broaden your circle of female friends - sooner or later you’ll run across a friend’s flatmate, or a friend’s friend, or a friend’s cousin whom you’ll hit it off with. This isn’t a predatory strategy, it’s just how life works - and in the meantime, you get to have fun hanging out with friends - friends who just happen to be chicks.

5

Keep in mind that this is coming from a cripplingly shy person who couldn’t get a clue if the clue people were giving out free samples for International Get a Clue Day, but how about making some platonic girl friends first? The benefits are manifold, the greatest being that you’ll realize girls are just ordinary rational creatures like you and me.

6

Are you good at small talk with people (you know, male or female) in general? If you can chat about the weather or the news or various harmless topics with guys, then you just have to learn that girls are just like guys, only you’d like to date them. If you have a hard time with small talk at work and such, then that’s your problem, not the girls per se.

7

The biggest mistake ackward guys make when talking to girls is treating them like they are some sort of strange exotic creature. Talking to a girl is the same as talking to a Black guy, or a guy in a wheelchair, or a guy who looks like he might be Jewish- in other words, it’s just like talking to anyone else.

Girls watch the Simpsons, hate their crappy jobs, wish they could buy a better car, would like a place to go on Friday nights, read the newspaper, have cravings for McDonalds, and get bored and lonely just like anyone else does. I think some guys get caught up in the whole period/make-up/shopping thing and don’t realize how little of a girl’s life that stuff consumes. We really arn’t different enough to warrant an entirely new conversational approach.

And trust me, we are just as worried about “how do I talk to guys?” and being afraid of looking desperate and ackward.

Open a conversation. Talk about the presentation they gave. Ask them if they understood the homework. Ask them what the lecture was on last Thursday. You’ve got tons in common with people in your classes. Make the same sort of conversation you make with guys as you wait at the bus stop, or wait for class to start, or hang out at break.

8

And if someone is interested in you, ask them out. One date won’t hurt, will give you practice, and you might discover that you ARE interested in them. If you aren’t interested, just don’t ask them out a second time.

9

Rule number one: get yourself a gun
A nine in your ass’ll be fine
Rule number two: don’t trust nobody
especially a bitch, with a hooker’s body
Rule number three: don’t get caught up
Cause niggaz are doing anything that’s thought up

Sorry, that was ‘hot to survive in south central’ not how to talk to girls
(holds for laughter)

Alright. I am probably only a reasonably good source of info on this subject but taking a class at college on interpersonal communication could help (these are listed under the communcations, telecommunications or psychology listing in college). So could reading books on how to carry on a good conversation. So can using visualization, ie pretending you are striking up conversations, visualizing roadblocks and dealing with them (some studies have shown visualization is just as effective as real life practice, and its safer too) and so can talking to anyone, not just girls you like.

In my experience of approaching about 40-50 women in the last year, most are ok with being approached. I just use generic things like ‘so what class are you going to’ or ‘did you understand X,Y,Z in class’ and they usually respond to that. I think the idea that you have to traverse your way through 100 mercurial hoops for fear the girl will think you’re pathetic or creepy if you don’t is a really, really, really destructive mindset when it comes to girls. There is no ‘proper’ way to do it is what i’ve learned and what one woman/individual likes another will not. Try to ignore those who say ‘anyone who does X,Y,Z or doesn’t do X,Y,Z perfectly when approaching girls is a loser/creep/etc’ because all that’ll do is give you social anxiety. Women are just people like men, with the same fears, vulnerabilities, etc as anyone else. And as individuals some will find one thing endearing, and others will find it offensive. Some will not care about some acts on your part and others will. I’m not naive enough to think there aren’t some things women as a whole are more likely to find attractive or unattractive, but don’t let yourself get caught up in the idea that you are an idiot or a bad person if you do something ‘wrong’. What is wrong is relative. At the end of the day, many women like being approached and having it implied that they are desirable enough for a man to try to meet them. Their body language and voice tone will tell you if they like you or like being approached.

If you fear women try to visualize them in positions of weakness and vulnerability in their normal lives. Imagine the girl in class confused about something, but afraid to ask for fear she’ll look stupid in front of the class. Imagine her faking like she is having a good time when she isn’t at a party because she doesn’t want to look different from everyone else. Imagine her giving up all her rights without a fight when pulled over by the police. Imagine her picking up or dropping off her friends when she doesn’t want to because she is afraid to say no to them. Women, being people, do that kind of thing all the time and seeing her as the vulnerable confused person she is capable of being (which we all are to a degree) helps out alot.

Or you could just intentionally make a total ass of yoruself a few times (try desperately to convert her to Moonism, ask her which serial killer she’d rather be killed by if she had a choice of Bundy vs Gacy, etc) , after you do that a few times making minor conversation mistakes won’t matter nearly as much.

10

Some good advice here, but it’s all pretty general and academic–don’t idolize women, make some women friend-friends, don’t get too stressed, et cetera–but what about some applied knowledge, here. How about a few examples, say, based upon completely hypothetical situations that have never happened to me, and certainly not in the recent past, like today. For instance, let’s say:

You’re standing the the bookstore/library and an attractive girl is browsing next to you, or waiting in line and obviously bored. You can’t get eye contact and there’s no obvious “catch”, i.e. she’s not looking around in confusion for something or trying to keep a stack from falling upon her or somesuch. How to you create an opening?

Or:

You’re at the occulists and there’s a new doctor, a cute little Chinese girl who appears to be actually flirting with you, i.e. asking questions like “What you are going to do for the rest of the day?”, “Your work sounds really interesting,” et cetera. How do you gauge whether she’s actually demonstrating interest or just being polite for the sake of her job, and how do you broach the subject of, er, um…well, a date?

Yeah, okay, I’m not too forward about these things; the result of a natural reservedness, plus an (apparently) pretty scarring incident in early adolescence which left me with an understandable (if overwrought) fear of offending a woman by talking to her unbidden, much less being “fresh”, as they say in the old flicks. (Does anybody use that term anymore?)

In short, how do you do this sort of thing without worrying whether you are going to offend a woman, and as a result be thrown out of an establishment or be slapped with a lawsuit? Or am I just making way too much out of this? Ladies, how offensive is it to be approached when you don’t want to be hit on, and what is your response? FTR, I’ve had a drink (attempted to be) thrown in my face, and on another occasion asked to leave a bar just for introducing myself, so I’m probably oversensitive about it, but on the other hand I regularly manage to make some egregeous social blunders without even realizing it.

Stranger

11

*Stranger on a Train, I’ve been trying to think of how to respond, and I realize, you know, I dunno. Because while I’m actively searching for a guy in various ways, if somebody (even a hot somebody) approached me at a bookstore, a place I feel very comfortable in, I’d still shut him down. I think a lot of women would. Why? I dunno. Isn’t that stupid?

I mean, if a guy said something about the book I was picking up, I might even have a little conversation about it, “yeah, I’ve read ___ but not ___” or “but did you like ___?”, but after that little conversation I have no idea how one would move to “so can I have your number?” or “so would you like to get some coffee?” even though coffee is right there! And it’s not like I’m a social retard, either - I’d probably be smacking myself on the forehead on the way out the door for being so dumb as to stammer “er, no thanks!” or “I’m engaged to be married. Tomorrow. To three different Hell’s Angels. It will be a very nontraditional service.” And I honestly don’t think I’m alone in this.

I think a lot of women do the same thing. I have no idea what to tell you on how to combat that. Any approach I think of to tell you to try, I look at realistically and know I’d answer with a “no, thanks” or a “nothing” or a “not much”.

And anybody who throws a drink in your face if you’ve just walked up to her and said something nice is rude. I’d never do that, I’d just go to the bathroom. What on earth did you say to her?

12

As I recall, I think I said that I liked her sweater, or something equally witty. For what it’s worth, I think she was stone drunk (she managed to throw the drink and glass over my shoulder and hit someone else) and I’m guessing the come-hither looks I thought I was getting from her was actually the evil eye.

Stranger

13

The thing that’s struck me about these boards is how witty and articulate most of its denizens are. Much wittier and more articulate than I am, and head and shoulders above the people I run into every day. So it seems like answering the OP should be easy: take your smarts and funnies and let them shine.

UncertainMonkey, others have said it. Find a piece of common ground; ask a question; solicit her opinion. If she blows you off, such is life. Keep trying. Think about this example:

You’ve got several options.

If she’s got a book in her hand already, say: “Hey – I was thinking about reading that. I heard about it on the radio, I think. Where did you hear about it?” [Note: before doing this, it is critical that you be able to see the book she’s holding. If it’s Thirty Days to a More Girly Bedroom, or something like that, change your tack. Instead, say – “My office mate/landlady/dogwalker wanted to get that book. Does it look like it has a lot of suggestions?”]

If she doesn’t have a book, but appears to be browsing the shelves, just say something: “Browsing is half the fun, isn’t it?” Or “I don’t suppose you’ve seen a copy of [make up a title] on that half of the shelves, have you?” Anything to create an opening.

And for pete’s sake, smile. That’s half the battle. The other half is practice – talk to anyone, whether you’re interested in her or not. Because as others have said, the more comfortable you are in talking to people, the more comfortable you will be talking to people who happen to be girls.

On preview, Zsofia makes a good point, but for every woman who shuts you down (okay, every twenty women), you may get a taker. And as for moving to coffee, just ask. Say, “I’m going to go grab a cup at the coffee bar – do want to join me?”

I’d volunteer to take you all on a girl-talking field trip if I thought it would help, but I think you’ll do fine. It just takes time.

14

Oh, she was just trying to show you she liked you. If she didn’t, she’d have thrown up on you. :slight_smile:

The bookstore thing ought to be the ticket, though (possibly with girls nothing like me). Namely because there’s coffee right there, totally safe, nonthreatening. Absolutely no dark alleys involved, no cars, no phone numbers. And your odds are good you have something in common, unless one of you is gift shopping.

15

Well, I do okay when buffered by a keyboard and miles of fiber optics, but in real life, I’m more like [post=5770518]this[/post]. It’s not a pretty sight, believe me.

Well, given that I’m comfortably past 30 and haven’t figured it out yet, I’m getting a little concerned about the time issue. Miss Moneypenny and Friends took me out one night a couple of years ago after Thanksgiving for a coaching session, which ended up with Miss Lia exclaiming “I give up!” and stalking off to look for a woman for herself and Miss Rachel wondering if I wouldn’t be better off just hiring an escort. Gah, I get twisted up inside just thinking about it.

But back to the OP (sorry for the hijack, mate), does anyone have any specific advice, methods, references, mind control technology, or magic potions which help one develop the talent of striking up a conversation with someone of whom you know practically nothing and who has no reason to speak to or be interested in you?

Stranger

16

Yeah I know. Its stupid but I know women do this. I have had several women give me good signs then turn me down when I asked them out. I guess its a fear if you go out with men you don’t know well it means you are easy or something.

What if a guy said ‘if you want to stay in touch here is my phone number/email address/IM handle’ instead of asking you out on a date.

17

I have to admit, for all our bullshit about how easy it is, I don’t think picking women up on the street really works 80-90% of the time. Women may like being hit on, and like having it implied that they are desirable but most will turn a guy down. I even know guys who manage to do it (successfully date women they don’t know) and who have alot of experience, but they only succeed because they don’t care how many times they get blown off in order to find women who will date them.

To the OP:

If you want more advice there are forums devoted strictly to this subject such as

Yes, I read the second site. Don’t really agree with the advice for a variety of reasons (the people there can be intolerant assholes who think they’ve perfected things and anyone who doesn’t do things their way is an idiot, see the social anxiety thing earlier) but its better than nothing I suppose. Plus they are more out for just sex and conquests on those boards, and as a result the advice there is more geared towards treating women as objects instead of people to meet which is reflected in some of their advice so take that into account. It probably sounds fake but some of us are really just trying to meet women, not get laid 20x a year and the advice people like that need is different on all fronts (what kind of girl to approach, how to approach, etc).

So in closing, I have no idea.

18

All of the dating gurus :rolleyes: say never to give your number to a woman. While I usually discount pretty much everything that comes from those sources by a healthy percentage, I have to say that I have never, ever, ever, ever, gotten a phone call or e-mail back from a woman to whom I’ve given a number or address.

Then again, I can’t remember the last time I got a returned message from a woman who I convinced to give me her number. So, you can tell I know what I’m talking about. :dubious:

Damnit, I’m no brighter than a 10 watt bulb in a brown-out when it comes to this stuff. Very frustrating.

Stranger

19

I know most of them won’t contact me, but for me one of the main fears has always been putting women on the spot. When I used to ask women for their numbers it was a horrible feeling to watch a woman squirm as she tried to think of a getaway plan or an excuse, so I figure doing this will help me avoid that. I have no delusion that it’ll improve my odds any, just that it’ll make the 80-90% of rejections I get easier on me and on her.

20

You do say something along the lines of, “I have enjoyed talking to you and would like to do it again sometime, would you like that?” before asking for or giving a phone number, right? You don’t just end the conversation w/ the request or giving thereof? 'Cause if she’s indicated reciprocal enjoyment and then doesn’t call or doesn’t give her number when asked - I just don’t know what’s wrong with that woman and I wish like hell she’d stop scaring decent and kind guys away from decent and kind women like myself.
And on a related note, those women should also stop pushing a guy to ballpark them a yearly salary figure; don’t you realize that price tag will stick to all of us now?? :confused:

To the OP - in class, need to borrow something from her. When she hands it to you, make a point to gently touch your hand against hers while making eye contact. Watch her pupils, if you can; dilation is good. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know right then, typically, and the hardest part will be over quickly. Yes, it’s subterfuge, but useful and not necessarily deceitful.