Help with small talk

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not exactly socially inept, but I have a huge issue with meeting new people. I think part of it is that I am absolutely horrible at making/initiating small talk. While working as a cashier has helped that a little bit, I still feel very awkward initiating conversations in any sort of situation. I mostly kick myself in situations where I could be talking to an attractive female, but it happens when I’m talking to relatives/friends as well. If a subject comes up that I know a lot about I can talk for hours but I can never bring up subjects on the spot. My mind just sort of blanks. I remember a conversation a while ago I had talking to somebody I didn’t know that well that went like this:

(silence between the two of us)
Me, trying to initiate conversation: So, do you watch TV?
Her: …what?

Of course, this led to me making fun of myself (which I’m fairly good at) for asking such an awkward question to begin with and opened up the conversation for a little while. But unless I’m living in a sitcom world that’s not going to work every time I want to meet somebody new. If somebody asks me a question, I usually answer it but I stink at the follow-up. In the silence that follows I either let it stay silent or continue and ramble on awkwardly about what they asked me about.

Is there any sort of guide to making small talk? Any tips? How does one fine-tune conversation skills aside from the “practice makes perfect” way?

2

Listen to what the other person says, and think about it. Ask a follow-up question, if possible one that would elicit information that would be of interest to you.

You: What do you do?
Other person: I’m an X.
Possible questions you could ask:
[ul]
[li]I’ve never been clear exactly what X’s do – tell me about that.[/li][li]How did you get into that?[/li][li]Do you enjoy it?[/li][li]I’ve always thought it would be a cool job – is it as exciting as it sounds?[/li][/ul]
Then listen to the answer and ask a follow-up question.

3

I’ve learned over the years that it doesn’t really matter what you say (within reason) but saying anything gets the ball rolling. That’s why people make so many inconsequential remarks about the weather and the current surroundings…they are indicating an interest in connecting in the most basic way. It’s also why dogs and children are so good to have along as conversation starters, they’re always good as a subject to comment upon.

I came across Contact: The First Four Minutes in a used bookstore years ago and found it very helpful.

Also helpful was Deborah Tannen’s That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. Who knew that small disagreements about what constitutes an appropriate conversation pause could cause huge misunderstandings? It was very enlightening to see that maybe someone was not boring or uninterested in talking to me, they just needed a longer pause before it felt correct to start talking. Or I might feel like someone was never letting me get a word in edgewise, but they were just talking to fill what felt like to them an uncomfortably long silence.

search Amazon with “making small talk” and you will get a lot of results.

Hope you find something helpful!

How’s the weather where you are? :slight_smile:

4

Yup. I hate small talk and am shite at it. I’ve found Facebook is really helping though - you friend someone you know a little bit but still small talk with, then next time you see them you are genuinely interested in wanting to know if their dog got better or if they got the new job, or making a joke about their hangover or talking about the TV show you both like. There’s a guy I know very vaguely and since we friended each other on Facebook I’ve found out he’s passionate about the Israel/Palestine situation and also that he grew up quite near me - I have no problems chatting away to him now.

Good luck - it is bloody difficult when it feels awkward!

5

A better approach is to ask a fairly concrete question. Some thing in particular you are ready to talk about. Like, “are you watching Lost?” (this assumes you yourself saw Lost this week)

6

I agree with Twickster.

I use a few open-ended questions, like “So, what do you enjoy”, or “what’s your job” and then ask them to elaborate on whatever aspects they like to talk about.

Once you’ve gotten them talking about what they like, it’s pretty easy to keep things rolling with a few prompts. Most folks love to talk about themselves, and love a good listener.

7

twickster and **carlotta **are right. By open-ended question what you want to ask is something that is not a yes-no question, something lame like “Do you watch TV?” If you are in the proximity of a person such that it is appropriate to make small talk, then you’ll have something in common to talk about–so find that, and start to talk about it. And, of course, people like to talk about themselves, so the more you give them the opportunity to do that, the better. Just don’t get too personal too soon. And don’t expect to get into a deep conversation at first.

It takes practice, but it’s something that greases the wheels of social interaction, whether it be co-workers or neighbors. It prevents people from seeing you as aloof. They call it small talk, but it’s probably one of the hardest forms of discourse to learn how to execute effectively.

8

If a total stranger asked me “What do you enjoy?” just out of the blue, I’d find it a little strange. And “What’s your job?” sounds more like a police interrogation, unless some previous conversation has prompted it. I think it’s better to link the questions to something in the context that has brought the two people together.

9

I prefer thinking of a question of the day; something thought-provoking, and quirky. One such question was “If hats and gloves are different genders, which would be the boy and which would be the girl?” I got several people to agree that gloves are male for “obvious reasons.” :smiley:

10

The two worst situations for me are:

  1. Thrust together with a stranger on a one-on-one basis with whom you have never previously spoken.

  2. Being in a large gathering where you know practically nobody, you are for the moment alone and everybody else is in groups talking animatedly and you don’t want to kill the mood by just bursting in.
    First step is to recognise that small talk is just a way to find common ground. Once you do, you are away. But you may have to have a couple of goes at it. Everyone mocks the cliches of small talk (“Read any good books lately?”) but equally everyone understands that they are just a means to an end. No-one starts conversations like they do in the movies, with a hugely, extravagantly witty line. Anyone who does looks too practised, like a pick-up artist.

Second step is to realise that people who seem a little cool and aloof are almost certainly simply being as hesitant and insecure as you, just covering it up.

Third step is to realise that hesitation will kill your nerve.

Which leads to the fourth step, which is that confidence is everything. Of course, if you don’t have it, there is no point saying “Be confident!” any more than there is in telling a newbie “Be experienced!”. But you can fake it till you make it (confidence, I mean).

The idea is to keep the questions open-ended; that is, questions which require more than a yes-or-no answer. And the trick is to ask questions that indirectly get you somewhere in finding out interesting things about the person you’re talking to. This overcomes the problem that direct questions about personal matters can seem a little challenging to the person asked.

You have major assets here. I’m assuming you’re a man, so what I say is directed to that prospect. There are any number of topics that are likely to lead somewhere.

In the one-on-one situation when you are with a man, then you have the advantage that the entire sports industry exists so that men can make small talk with one another. (Of course women can be interested in sport too, but you shoot where you’re likely to hit a target.)

Generally, for both sexes, travel is a good ice-breaker too, (“You look like the kind of person who has travelled a bit… been anywhere interesting recently?”) Everyone likes talking about their travelling tales, or plans even if they haven’t been anywhere. You can see how even if you get the answer no, it leads to follow up questions? “Any plans?” “I’m guessing there’s somewhere you want to go to?” As a last resort “So you don’t want to travel - you must love home…can you tell me somewhere good to eat in [insert town/suburb X here]?”

Then there’s current events. Don’t talk about party policitical stuff, but say something like “Did you see the inauguration?” and comment about the size of the crowds, or their fortitude in braving the cold, or joke about the portaloos or some such.

If you are with a woman, then you can always find something about her you can sincerely compliment her about. (I emphasise the sincerity thing here, and I don’t mean in the “when you can fake that, you’ve got it made” sense.) Don’t pick topics about which she has no choice, like her looks (even if she is a honey) or her body shape. Pick things which can reflect her personality. Does she have an unusual piece of jewellry? “That’s a striking necklace/pair of earrings/diamond tiara. Is there a story?” “I like the way your lipstick matches your dress” It’s all about getting some little bit of information from the person you are talking to, and then running with it to find common ground.

Remember that the person you are talking to wants the awkward silences to be filled as much as you do. Even if your first gambit about, say, travel doesn’t work, try something from another topic area, like current events. It’s awards season at the moment for the movies - great way to start a conversation about movies that’s a little less lame than “So … seen any good movies lately?”. Currency generates an air of spontaneity.

Often when relative strangers are thrown together, there is some common ground already - “How long have you known the bride?” leads to discussions about going to school together, or work, or whatever, which is an example of what I mean by an indirect way of finding out interesting stuff about the person you are talking to. At least more indirect than “Where did you go to school/where do you work?”

Dealing with the situation in which you feel like you are all alone in a room full of people already in animated conversations will have to wait for another time, but one trick is to do domestic stuff. Grab a plate of nibblies and start offering them around. That’s a perfectly legit way of breaking into a crowd. “I’ve no idea what those orange things are. Try them and tell me if they are any good.” Anyone can get a conversation out of speculation about what might be in the dip. Might not be a long conversation, but it doesn’t have to be, just enough to legitimise your place in the group and get people talking to you, get light-hearted banter going, and get to that common-ground goal. And if the conversation dies, you have the perfect out - move the tray of dips to another group.
Best of luck.

11

This is just as bad as “do you watch TV?” because lots of people will just say, “no.”

Recent conversations I have had with strangers:

2 Indian guys eating at the mall, “excuse me is that this restaurant’s thali? Looks good.” They explained all the dishes and the difference between North and South Indian thali.

A guy at the club watching the tennis, “how is Federer going?” I got a precis of the match up to that point and his opinion that Federer seems “not himself”.

A woman reading at the laundromat when she put the book down to unload her machine, “what’s the latest in laundromat lit? Must be interesting.” She happily told me all about The Book Thief. Sounds good.

The woman in front of me at the supermarket, “excuse me, where do they hide those flan shells? I’ve never spotted them before.” Apparently near the bread and by her account it’s good to fill it with icecream, smooth it out, stick in strawberries, drizzle with honey and sprinkle chopped nuts (pistachio preferably) on top.

All these since Friday. Mind you people are awfully friendly in Australia but I just find that 99% of people love an excuse for a chat and a joke.

12

Nice, thoughtful post.

I think the bit I have quoted gets at the crux of peoples difficulties. I recently did a workshop with a young guy who, for whatever reason, gravitated toward spending all the breaks with me. He complained about his inability to “chat up women” and my advice to him was “don’t.” I asked him to approach women he was not attracted to and strike up the kinds of conversations that are just brief interludes, and it is working. He now knows that you can start up a conversation with anyone.

13

Thanks, don’t ask.I think you’re right about the confidence thing. But in my experience, if you focus on the little things, you wake up one day with confidence almost without realising how you got there.

Picking up where I left off (dealing with breaking in to groups when you are alone in a crowd) remember to keep moving. There is a natural rhythm to the sort of functions I am talking about - conference dinners, work mixers, weddings of obscure relatives, etc. Early on you are supposed to circulate, in the middle game you are supposed to coagulate, in the end game, you separate.

So, when you are busy peddling the cornchips and pate, if you feel yourself striking something up, remember you are in the circulation phase and not to cling too long, even if things are going well. How long is another of those things you can only know from experience. If you’ve found a point of connection, don’t exhaust it - leave with “unfinished business” so you have a point of connection later. If there is someone you particularly want to come back to, say “I’d better keep moving… catch up with you later, and we can finish this conversation then, OK?” with your most engaging smile. If you cling too long like a drowning man to a lifebuoy, you’ll look desperate. Breaking off gives you time to think about a few things to talk about later, but don’t overthink this. Just a few general topics; nothing too planned.

Remember that those little groups tend to form and reform as people move in and out of them, so you will almost certainly have a chance to revisit a person of interest a bit later on in the coagulation phase as people have sorted themselves out into groups with a little more staying power. Keep a loose eye on the person/s you were interested in talking more to, and take your chance during the inevitable lulls and break-ups in crowd movements associated with that person. If you can get them alone (like when they’re getting a drink) even better. (Do try to be casual about this, though. Pouncing like a seagull on a chip is not a good look.)

Pick up where you left off, or try one of the other openers I mentioned above. If you’re getting a drink, why not ask how good the wine is? Or come up with your own way in to a conversation. It’s all good. Now you can spend a bit more time with one person or a smaller group. The ice has been broken; by this stage you’ll be getting smiles and recognition. Remember that you have to reveal a bit of yourself too, but be humble. Bragging is tacky. Being mildly understated impresses more than being overstated. It’s not given to everyone to be the life of the party, but you can be light-hearted.

By now you’re through to common ground (“You’ve just come back from Vilnius? I love Vilnius/I’ve always wanted to visit Vilnius/I’ve never heard of Vilnius-it sounds so exotic!”). Absolute gold is finding friends in common (“You met the groom working for Sue Grabbit and Run in Boston? My mate Ken used to work there. With the blonde Mullet? That’s him!”). The simple fact that fate has conspired to put you in a room with these people means that you almost certainly will have a number of things in common. Finding the first is the hardest; the rest just happens.

The separation phase is when everyone is deciding where to kick on to after you are finished where you are. Some events come with an expectation you’ll go home, some with an expectation that you’ll go to another venue. With your new friend/s, you’ll probably get yourself involved in one of those group discussions about “Who wants to go to Studio 54?” or wherever; even if you are on the periphery, you’ll get invited along. By now, other people are asking you all the ice-breaking questions because you are legitimately part of the group. And feeling like Elvis with all this attention.
And awa-a-a-a-ay you go.
Remember that these events are not for deep discussions about the meaning of life, personal tragedies, or the excruciating minutiae of your work. This stuff can wait till you know the people you’re talking to better. Upbeat is the spirit of the hour. A little self-deprecation humour is in order - paradoxically, it makes you look more confident. Who else but a confident man could joke ruefully about his fly being undone when he met the President of the company? Making yourself a little bit vulnerable like this is engaging (but like anything, can be overdone).
If talk about travel and cultural ephemera seems low-brow, remember that literally any subject can attract observations at any point along the spectrum of intelligence and insightfulness.

Social conversations of the sort about which we are speaking are a dance - you constantly mutually adjust to your partner’s steps, and you both have fun when your world becomes a little larger for having known something nice about someone else. They are not a fencing competition whose object is to win or lose. They are not applications to the Nobel Committee. They are not opportunities to show off by brain-dumping everything you know about the mechanical innovations of the Wankel Rotary Engine. They are not really about the apparent content of the conversation at all. The apparent content is merely a lens through which you each gain insight into the other’s personality - kindness, generosity of spirit, sense of humour, and so on.

In this conversational dance, just as you asked open ended questions to give the other person a chance to say more than yes or no, so when you are asked questions which give you a chance to reveal something of yourself, your answer returns the favour. You ask a new question at the end, or just expand the topic sufficiently so they have somewhere to take it when you have finished. After a very little while, this becomes instinctive.
Don’t beat yourself up if some conversations just die. Even the best conversationalists can’t make every post a winner. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, just that you were foxtrotting while they were waltzing and the dance didn’t quite get off the ground. Smile. Move on. “I’m going to get a drink/going to the little Virginian’s room/talk to my supervisor/catch up with some other people” is a common generic exit strategy. Everyone understands and forgives these as courtesies to avoid awkwardness. As you get more adept, you can fashion your own that seem better fitted to the moment and therefore less cliched.
Smile, laugh readily, don’t take yourself too seriously, and believe that other people are genuinely fascinating and that behind the mask of aloofness, they really want to show you that, and want to see the same in you.

Once again, best of luck!

14

Lots of good advice and good references so far.

The only thing I can add is that you might try to avoid making fun of yourself, especially when you are just meeting someone. Self deprecation is one of those things that works well in sitcoms but not in real life. Even if you succeed at making someone laugh, they’re left with the impression that what you said was true.

In the example you gave, it sounds like you made the best of an uncomfortable situation. In general though, don’t put yourself down even if that means keeping a witty line to yourself.

15

I usually don’t do too badly one on one, but am often stumped for something to say in semi-social situations. If I’m in line at the bank, store, whatever, I often find myself wondering how to respond when someone says something trivial- so I usually say nothing or little. Because of this I have been described as arrogant.

As an aside, I remember a scene from The Red Dragon that resonated with me. Francis Dolarhyde met a woman at work then sees her after work but doesn’t know how to talk to her. “What would someone say” he asks himself. I remember thinking to myself - wow, how many times have you thought those very words - what would someone say?

Sometimes I’ll be in a group and someone will tell a story and I’ll have no idea how to respond, so I’ll keep quiet. Quite recently I was at breakfast and a woman was telling a story about asking for eggs over-hard and getting over-easy. When she bit into the egg, the yolk exploded and ran down her chin. Not knowing really what to say to that, I kept my mouth shut and tried to look like I was listening. She looked over and said: Look at Khadaji, he’s thinking something dirty. Everyone laughed.

I have a good friend whom everyone seems to like. I started watching him and I found that he often laughs in places I would say little or nothing. I haven’t discussed it with him, but I am assuming that this is his filler - when he doesn’t know how to respond he laughs. And I got to thinking: Who do we like most? Those who make us laugh, or those who laugh when make a joke? I decided to try a chuckle whenever I didn’t know what to say. (If it is appropriate.)

16

Thanks everyone and especially thanks Noel. There’s been some good advice in here.

Most of my making fun-of-self is with people I already know. I try not to do it in company of new people unless my mind completely blanks and I have nothing because I know it looks bad.

17

No. It’s all in how, rather than what, you say. It has to be either hyperbolic or otherwise indicated to be a joke.

[buying groceries that include beer the other day]
Her: Can I see your ID?
Me: [hands ID to checker]
Her: Hey, your birthday is coming up!
Me: Yeah, I’m planning on crying alone at home this year.
Her: Oh, shut up!

I’d never even seen this particular checker before. It could’ve been totally awkward if I actually looked depressed or lonely, but if the reaction was an awkward silence, a “…kidding!” and a smile would solve that issue right away, and I would have adjusted to include less sarcasm in subsequent conversation.

18

I recognize the difference between dealing with long time acquaintances and people one is just meeting, but liquor store checkers and barristas are known for laughing at stupid jokes and acting personably. At the end of the day, you were the lonely sad-sack with the six pack for one.

19

Well I think it’s more that certain modes of self-expression fit for some while they don’t fit for others. It’s all about finding out what works for you, and if you think a particular style of humor can help you express your personality, it doesn’t hurt to try and incorporate it in to your small talk to see if you have positive results.