So I met this girl and I wanted to just be friends with her, she seemed really nice and I was just looking for a friend. So we hung out all day today. The problem is we are both introverts, real shy, her moreso than me. I am usually really open with people and like to know what they are thinking and feeling. I’m sensitive damn it. but thats besides the point, the point is that she doesn’t start conversations. It is so hard because I am usually around outgoing people all day. I was asking her how she likes her new job, her hobbies, her hopes, all that good stuff. Once she gets going in a conversation it’s goes fairly well.
But once the topic is finished, we would sit in silence. Lots of our car rides were filled with silence. It’s so wierd because once you sit silent for a few minutes it gets harder and harder to break the ice again.
I know I am probably over reacting but it’s driving me crazy because I know we have a lot in common to talk about.
I’m not sure what my question is or if i’m just typing outloud (eh?). But if any of you have any advice for me on how to get her talking or how to get her out of her shell.
Well, conversation is an art. Some are naturally talented. Others have to learn.
Expand the conversations. Don’t just focus on one thing. If, while talking about work she mentions something else, hijack. Then, you can continue the conversation by back tracking to the previous subject.
Also, stay away from closed questions. Instead of asking whether or not likes something, ask what she likes about something.
And then really listen. (That’s an art, too.) She’ll say something that you can pick up on and continue.
If the silence goes on a long time, just point over there and say, "Look! A cow!’ She’ll think you’re goofy, but the silence will be broken, Then, talk about something.
Anytime you get a laugh, giggle or amused look from her, you’re removing another layer of shell.
Ah, yes, the “awkward silence” problem. This is the problem that plagued me through two decades of dating. (Or, mainly, lack of dating) All the advice that’s been given is good advice. However, as you and I both know, that sort of advice is true and correct, but mostly useless. If you were good at that sort of thing, you’d already be doing it.
My solution: attempt to converse, fail miserably, and get used to suffering. I’m not saying I recommend it, but it’s what I did.
Or she might say “…oh…nice” and then the silence continues. Dorky movie quotes probably won’t help unless she also shares your interest in movies.
Just my experience, but maybe it’s not that great an idea for two introverts to hang out with each other. Sometimes you need someone who complements your personality, not mirrors it.
Here’s the deal. You need to figure out if the awkward silence is due to inital shyness (in which case it should pass once you are more comfortible) or if your personalities just don’t gel with each other (it happens even if you share the same interests).
Personally, I hate doing the stupid “leading questions” Q& A routine (where do you live, what do you do, etc). I feel like I’m giving or recieving an interview and it sounds forced. A better technique is to simply lean over and say something random, unexpected, and over the top like
“do you find me handsome?”
“I hit that cow last time I drove down this road. I’m glad to see it’s better.”
“I just landed a part in a small musical. It’s nothing big but I think it could lead to something.”
“I should tell you…there’s this ancient prophecy that involves my family…”
>>Or she might say “…oh…nice” and then the silence continues.<<
Which is why I followed by saying, “Then, talk about something.” The cow thing was simply to break the silence. Once broken, try to make a conversation.
But, msmith and lorinda may just have found out what’s really wrong here. Maybe you aren’t getting along so great after all. (I hadn’t thought about that.)
You might talk to her about it and see if you’re both interpreting it as awkward. I know some naturally quiet people don’t find being quiet with another quiet person uncomfortable, but in fact a rather relaxing break from being with people who expect them to be constantly talking. Not to say that you guys should be comfortable never having anything to say to each other, but you might be able to get to a space where you’re comfortable enough with each other that if you don’t have anything to say but small talk, and you’re doing something, not just sitting there staring at each other, you’re just as comfortable saying nothing at all as saying something trivial just to be talking.
Yes, maybe apologise if it gets embarrassing. But only once. If you apologise every time it goes quiet you can end up sounding like a boring insecure introvert
Likewise sometimes ‘say something’ or ‘talk to me’ work (if she’s thinking something but not got the nerve to say it). But if they don’t, just leave it.
Not all silences are bad. If you can both cope with silence for a bit it’s ok, plus she might take her turn to say something.
Ask her about anything. Tell her about anything. Wait 'till she gets interested. Tangents are good because it’s very hard to go into a new topic cold. Try talking about your or her work, hobbies, childhood, etc. Or some people respond better to controversial topics - politics, religion, vegetarianism, etc. Everyone has hours of conversation in them if you can get it. Driving or walking is good because you constantly see new hooks. Ask questions about whatever she’s talking about, try to get her to expand on her answers without prompting. Hope she asks about you.
If you play pool,. bowling, see movies, etc, you can spend a lot of time not talking without it being awkward.
If none of this works maybe you just aren’t meant to be friends
Ask yourself if you’d be equally interested if she was a bloke. If not, that’s fine, but be aware of it.
You know, yesterday I was thinking about it and I had this exact same thought. Maybe i’m the only one who finds it awkward. I do like talking to her, and sometimes she seems fine just sitting there looking out the window. She is actually pretty relaxing to be around.
Our day went something like this:
I picked her up, we went and got pancakes. We drove to the movie theatre, didn’t see anything we wanted to see. Drove to my house, started watching a movie, she fell asleep on the couch and I fell asleep on the floor below her. We woke up 3 hours later and I took her home.
We were both exhausted this weekend because we worked a lot. Maybe we didn’t get to talking much because of that.
Warning: Once she feels comfortable enough to open up, you may wish she hadn’t. All this stuff being bottled up inside of her may come rolling out and not stop! THEN whaddya do???
