When I meet a new person (either introduced or alone) I often find myself wondering how to best have a warm exchange after the first initial words of greeting.
On the one hand, I could mention the weather, but that always seems so cliché to me and somehow says “I don’t really know what to say to you.”
On the other, I wouldn’t feel comfortable just saying “so what about those New York Yankees” or “what did you think about the President’s speech last night, or “What do you think of all these natural disasters lately” or whatever.
You risk diving into a subject a person is ignorant of, uncomfortable with or has personal issue with and (inadvertently) offending or hurting them.
Somewhere in the middle (even though I might think it) would be “I really like that dress you’re wearing” or “You seem like an awfully warm and friendly person.” or “If I were a casting director in a movie, I would cast you as a poet…” or similar.
Those comments might seem a little “personal” or more intimate than might seem appropriate on first meeting someone (depending on setting. On re-reading previous paragraph I see that those opening statements might be good at a casual party; again, depending on the circumstances.)
Anyhow, I am actually a warm and friendly person. If I had my choice, I would like to be able to lose the small talk and get heart-to-heart with most people.
Does anybody have any suggestions on good ways to open up communication with someone after the initial greetings?
Of course, if you know of any good reading in this area, that would be great too.
The best advice I can give is to show genuine interest. Many people make the mistake of feigning interest - and it shows. Ask a question about the other person, get them talking about themselves. Compliments go a long way, as long as they are sincere, but sometimes they cann come out the wrong way. Stick with the easy ones, clothes, jewelry, boob job - okay maybe not the boob job.
Don’t talk about the weather. You probably have much more interesting things to say. And like any other skill - practice, practice, practice.
I just keep in mind that most people like to talk about themselves. So when I need to make small talk, like during a 20-minute procedure with someone at work, I just ask them questions. Very basic, unoffensive questions like ‘where are you from’, ‘how long have you lived here’, ‘what do you do for a living’, etc. Plus, they’ll usually feel pressured to ask you questions too, so that takes up even more time and cuts way down on the uncomfortable silence thing.
I’m with you noblebaron. If only we could just ditch the small talk and get right to the good stuff! Occupied elevators have to be the most uncomfortable places on the planet.
But, alas, small talk is the nature of the social beast… and you can’t be tipsy all the time.
With that in mind, as was said above, show genuine interest. Most people can pick out a phony within 5 words. The lesson I’ve learned is to not try too hard. Be yourself (apart from that shyness bit), and if people don’t connect, then they don’t connect.
And trublmaker is right… most people like to talk about themselves. It’s a familiar topic, and one they’re likely comfortable with. A few well asked questions can go a long way toward breaking the ice, and get someone on a roll (as a fellow shy person, it’s often easiest to let the other person do most of the talking).
As far as how to get past shyness, the key is to remember that your opinion is worth as much as any one elses. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and if someone doesn’t like you, it’s their loss.
And my take on shyness, being an extremely shy person: My shyness, and maybe others’, is physiological, not phsycological. I’m very sensitive, and I blush very easily, and I’m extremely shy. I think it’s a genetic trait. A lot of people don’t really understand it, they say ‘get over it’ or imply that it’s a result of self-esteem issues, but that’s not always the case. I know with me it’s as much a part of my physical makeup just as much as my eye color. I don’t know that it can be gotten over, or if you can just find ways to deal with it, especially as you get older and more experienced.
IMO, it’s much better to accept who you are and learn to deal with it than to fight it. You can be a shy person, but learn ways to project confidence, display appropriate body language, be able to carry a conversation. At first you may have to be an actor, but in time these things become ingrained in your personality and it takes little effort.
Once I get to know someone, I’m actually quite gregarious, but having to meet people, and even worse, make small talk with them is not my idea of fun. I’ve become halfway decent at it, though. While I’ll always be shy, it doesn’t hinder my life like it did when I was young.
Practice, practice, practice. You have to get out there or you will never get over it. I used to be shy in my much younger days. Learned quickly that didn’t get me where I wanted.
My major tip:
Never ask a question. Make a statement. That way the other person doesn’t feel obligated to answer, but also doesn’t feel “hit on” if they do answer.
For instance, “this place has the best coffee in town” or “the bartender should buy a full length mirror” or “the best reason to come here is for the music”…something along those lines.
Think about it…even if a 90 year old, fat, one-eyed, man with gout said that, you would probably respond. So, assuming you are not 90 years old, and someone is standing next to you, uless they are a total jerk, you at least get them to say something. And if not, you lost nothing and save face.
I agree that making a statement that will draw out the other person’s thoughts is often better than a question, but for a different reason. In some cultures asking a question shows interest. In others, it is taken as prying. At a meeting of a group I belong to, a new member was in attendance. She was from one of the Caribbean islands – I think it was Anguilla. Another (male) member was trying his darndest to make conversation with her, and to that end was asking her pleasant questions about her homeland. She limited her replies to short answers and eventually went away. Later, she told the friend that had brought her that this guy was “grilling” her and that she was very uncomfortable. Having heard that, the next time I saw her, I commented that I’d been to the island she was from, and made a statement about how beautiful the beaches were, and we had a lovely conversation.
Most people respond more to the WAY you say something than what you actually said. Most shyness and awkwardness is communicated via body language/expression, not words.
So the trick is to say whatever it is–“have you tried the margaritas?” or “So how do you know Cindy?” etc.–with as much interest and attention as you can muster. Smile, make eye-contact, and speak with confidence.
If you’re comfortable in your own skin–or can fake it–you’ll put them at ease also, and conversation will become a lot easier. Most people are eager to converse; they just need “permission.” Personally I find that mild humor works better than anything else; you can make friends in an elevator just by making friendly eye-contact and saying something like, “So is this the world’s slowest elevator, or what?”
All of a sudden you’re not two strangers stuck in an elevator, both avoiding eye-contact and feeling claustrophobic; you’re two people “in league together,” both amused by how long it’s taking to get to the first floor, and the ice has been broken.
I was not at all comfortable with this sort of thing growing up; I began bartending five years ago and basically had to learn how to talk to people or I wouldn’t make any money. The one thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you say it with friendly, genuine interest. Everyone responds to a smile.
You might consider joining a Toastmasters club, if you have one in your area or where you work. It really helped me make conversation and, more importantly, not be so afraid/intimidated about making conversation. It helped me by exposing me repeatedly to feedback on the way I speak and what things about me people like, and it was stuff I would never have suspected about myself. It’s been a real confidence-booster.
If I were evil, I would quote Jim Carrey’s immortal two-sentence inquiry of Renee Zellweger in Me, Myself and Irene:
“Where are you from?”
“Do you swallow?”
But I’m not evil. So I’d agree with those who’ve suggested that making a good-humored statement that invites agreement is a good way to get the conversational ball rolling. I’ve found that most people also like to talk about favorite movies or books, and then you’ll soon find common points of interest.