Lately I’ve been mulling over the question of whether or not I could be diagnosed with social phobia. I’ve read a lot of material on the subject, and my current line of thought is that I don’t quite meet enough criteria at this point. I might very well have been social phobic when I was in high school, but I’ve grown out of some of my shyness since then, and at 29, I have very little trouble performing all the social interactions necessary to get by.
But I’m still shy. I also recently went through a self-help phase, during which I read some books and articles about becoming less shy. I’m not 100% convinced it’s possible – at least for me. While I may be able to become more polished and confident when I interact with folks, I don’t think I’ll ever really like it. At heart, I’m an introvert – I like my alone time, I don’t feel a strong need to be with people constantly (although I do get lonely), and when I am required to be social, it exhausts me.
Anyway, I imagine a few Dopers are dealing with one form of shyness or another. How are you dealing with it? Do you feel like your social skills are improving with age? Have you tried medication for it? Is there anybody here who’s managed to “beat” shyness?
A lot of what you’ve written could describe me. In high school, I was appalled to learn that there were other students who thought I was a bitch when, in fact, I was just extremely shy. It didn’t help that I went to a huge high school and was just another face in the crowd. I’m also an introvert, content with my own company (though I’m happily married). I have no social life outside of work and most times I’m all right with that.
However, I still struggle with shyness but to a much lesser degree. It mostly manifests itself when trying to carry on a conversation with people I don’t know very well. I just can’t manage small talk and often times I feel that I’m coming across as an idiot. To make matters worse, sometimes I’ll even blush (at 44 years old!). I’ve never taken medication for it and I don’t know if I’ve “beat” shyness. I think it’s more a matter of getting older and just not being as uptight about it.
Sorry, I can’t offer any suggestions other than aging. Not much help, that.
One thing you have to ask yourself is if you’re happy the way you are. That seems like a trite, stupid question, but it’s actually very hard for one to answer for one’s self. If you compare yourself to some people, like that friend of yours who’s always got some social obligation and has a million friends, then you’re going to feel like you’re doing something wrong. I felt like this in high school; why didn’t I have a ton of friends? When I was surrounded by people being social and having fun, I felt lonely. But once I was home, it didn’t bother me anymore, and I happily did stuff on my own. I still felt like I was missing out on something, since everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves. I eventually realized that I can still have a fulfilling social life even if it’s not constantly switched on.
It can be hard to do, but you have to find that balance between people time and alone time. I consider myself an introvert, but I know quite a few people who have less social interaction than I do. And on the other side, I know a lot of people who have a lot more social interaction.
I used to consider myself shy, but I’m not so sure anymore. I would more consider myself…aloof? When the moment calls for it I don’t have trouble approaching people, but a lot of times I just don’t feel like talking. Maybe you’re not shy, maybe you just haven’t found anyone worth talking to!
I’m shy. I’m about as introverted as you can get without being diagnosed with some disorder. How do I “deal” with it? By not talking to people. I can interact with people when I have to, I just don’t usually go out of my way to do it. Why should I? I have friends. I don’t need any new ones.
“Beating” shyness does not require loving social interaction, it just requires you to tolerate it. Although learning to love social interaction will help, I don’t think that is possible for everyone. Some people simplyl prefer being alone for long periods of time, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I view social interaction the same way I view cooking. Even though both things make me uncomfortable, they also allow me to do other things that I enjoy. Just remember that you can reduce both those things into a painless process.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, unless it is somehow inhibiting your progress in life. Like if you want a higher income but can’t get it because it somehow requires better social skills, or if you want sex but you can’t get any because it requires you to talk to girls. It’s ok not to like social interaction, but it is not ok for it to ruin your life because you can’t handle it.
In high school I hated raising my hand, talking on the phone, talking to strangers or going to social events. It’s just more exhausting for me to do those things than it is for others. I liked learning by myself and solving problems on my own. Yet I was miserable because most things in life required social interaction, it was just impossible to avoid.
Now I still hate all those things, but I have learned to tolerate them and do them as efficiently as possible. This is a small advantage because most people don’t think about their methods of interaction, while I am painfully aware of them. I can make small adjustments that will improve my communication when I have to. It’s mostly a nerve wrecking process, but it becomes less painful with practice.
What I did to improve my social skills was force myself to use them. IMHO, will power is utterly useless for this task (as well as for other things) so I tried to rely on it as little as possible. In college I took a lot of speech classes which forced me to talk publicly or fail. I also got a job that forced me to interact with people. It was in a liquor store, and when I started I frequently got in trouble for not confronting misbehaving customers. Eventually I got annoyed that I wasn’t doing my job right and started handle customers much more efficiently.
I still suck at making new friends. I just can’t bring myself to ask a stranger to go do something with me. Everyone I know now had to ask me first. Learning public social interaction, like phone calls and managing customers was easy because I had lots of practice. I don’t think there is a decent way for me to force myself into making friends. Since it doesn’t appear to be worth the effort at the moment, I probably won’t do it anytime soon.
I’m very shy, and I never understood it and always fought it, until I learned that it’s a genetic trait- part of being “highly sensitive”, as I am. Once I found out that it’s part of my makeup, it was much easier to accept. I don’t fight it anymore, but I have learned how to compensate for it. I’ve learned how to be more assertive around people I don’t know, and I’ve learned how to make small talk and eye contact, and that really helps. I know I’ll never like meeting people or being around large groups, but I have learned how to handle it.
I’ve learned to live with it. I stuttered off and on growing up and still do occasionally at 34, but for the most part have it under control. My main way of dealing with it as a kid was to just not say anything at all. I sometimes think that hindered my ability to communicate thoughts clearly as an adult. I’m still pretty quiet overall, especially around strangers.
Yep. As Little Wing said, less uptight about things.
nope…well beer seems to help, but it aint exactly healthy or wise to use at work.
Dammit I’ve slept with three of the women I used to work with and they all said the same thing, that I was seen as being stuck up or saw myself as above them, all because I didn’t come over and chat them up all the time :smack:
I’m still shy, but a lot of the people who know me don’t know that I am.
What I’ve done to help is to stop being so self-important that I think everyone is looking at me and judging me. I realized that I wasn’t paying that much attention to other people, so why did I assume other people were paying that much attention to me? I’m just not that fascinating.
I also used to always show people that I knew what I was doing, and I’d get stressed out by trying to show it even when I didn’t know what I was doing. Now, I’m willing to admit that I don’t know what I’m doing and I ask. Most people are really REALLY receptive to being asked how to do things where that same person might get impatient when you try to muddle your way through on your own.
Yeah, I’ve noticed this a lot. Most people don’t really understand shyness – they usually assume we’re being snobbish. That’s one reason I make an effort to make small talk with people, even when it’s very uncomfortable – I know that if I keep quiet, they’re going to assume I don’t like them, and I’d rather come across as a bit of a dork than stuck up.
Extroverts/the sociable assume we (the shy) think we’re superior to them because we don’t talk to them much? WTF?
It was pretty much the opposite in my experience: we have difficulty talking to them/they pay no attention to us/we can’t find a place to enter the quickly-moving social stream, and we figure that it’s just anothern reason we’re inferior…
Though that was partly my lousy social skills rather than shynes intself, but the two fed into each other.
I’m bascially shy and introverted, but some things have taken the edge off. I’m on meds for depression in general and they make me a little less anxious about the impact of interacting with others. Also, my location helps a lot because people are generally friendly and less hurried up here.
Public speaking though? I don’t think anything would help with that horror.
I would say so. Like we’re not deigning to engage in the conversation. Ever notice how uncomfortable chatty loudmouths are with quiet people?
“Someone should tell **gigi ** to keep it down over there” if I am quiet in the face of that person’s monopolization of the conversation. “Why are you so quiet?” is a familiar and hated refrain.
I don’t know if it’s that they feel threatened somehow??? or that they think a quiet person is judging what they’re saying more closely??
I had some thoughts on this topic, but then I thought about how stupid they would probably sound, and how lousy it would be if everybody on this Board thought I was a dork, so I decided not to post them.
It has some good advice, for those interested in the self-help angle.
There’s definitely a feedback loop going on with the two. If you don’t like social situations, you avoid them. If you avoid them, you never develop good social skills. Without the skills, social situations unnerve you because you don’t know how to act. So you avoid them. Ad infinitum.
There’s still a few basic social customs that I haven’t gotten the hang of, and this inexperience makes me nervous in social situations (should I shake this guy’s hand? What do I say then? Should I wait for him to speak first? etc., etc.) Most people have done this so many times that it’s second nature, but to someone like me who avoids social contact unless it’s necessary, it’s still feel new and foreign.
In my experience the sociable don’t necessarily assume that we think we are superior for not talking to them, but they do think it is rude that we don’t talk to them. Especially if they are trying to make conversation.
Once in a while it used to happen that some outgoing person would start talking to me and I would stay as quiet as possible because I was too shy. This behavior would usually be misinterpreted as if I was trying to snub him and he would usually get upset. People don’t like it if you avoid eye contact or if you look like you are trying to run away after every sentence.
Now I engage enough so that people don’t get upset.
The most annoying were the new coworkers that I wouldn’t talk to. I would ignore them because I was worried that any small talk that I would make would sound too stupid. They usually ended up resenting me for it.
Now I make small talk. I use the same topics for all new workers. It is always something about where they go to school and what do they study.
I’m quite the social pariah and always have been. I was the dorky, unpopular zit-faced glasses-wearing guy who was always picked last in P.E. and was either picked on or avoided altogether. I’ve had very few dates in my lifetime, and at age 37 I am still single and destined to remain that way. I didn’t have many friends in school, though I do still see a couple of them from time to time. I can talk to the people I work with, so maybe I have made some improvement in that area.
