As a hijack to this thread and something I’ve always wanted to ask since I became a member, I would like to ask for some advice on self-help books or other methods that might help solve some of my personal problems.
Long story short: I don’t think I’m as social as I’d like myself to be, and I’m looking for some sort of practical help that’d improve my situation.
The long story: I came over to the United States with my family from Hong Kong as an early teen. The language barrier was hindering me from making friends and so I was a loner throughout my junior high and high school years.
One of my worst experience was a trip that I took to Vancouver, when I met up with someone I’ve known over the internet for about a year. She brought a few of her friends along for this meet-up (probably for safety reasons) and I spent the entire day whimpering in a corner in their car while they took me on tour around the city. After that trip, I was pretty convinced that I had a problem, and something had to be done about it.
Fast forward eight years to now - I’m still extremely uncomfortable in those meet-and-greet parties, and I’ve never been able to break the ice well. If someone comes over to chat with me, I’d run out of topics quickly. I don’t think I’ve had it as bad as it used to be, but I’m still nowhere close to getting my problem solved.
My first idea was to ask for self-help book recommendations, but since the general consensus here is pretty split on the usefulness of these books, I think it’d be wiser for me to just ask for general advice. Would you read self-help books to get a better grip on this kind of problems? What other alternatives are there?
its tough being in a new culture, but you have been here long enough to see the difference… which can make it tougher…
the trick might be to forget about yourself… you can not tie a knot out of water
get involved
be patient…
forget stereotypes.
.those words were /are the advise given to an asian canadian friend of mine by his dad, who paid a bride price to bring his mom over…
that man (the dad)_ became a major spokesperson for asian issues in our city. His son became merely a major player in our local politics(race unimportant)
now he is taking a $40 K trip back to China to rediscover his roots…
I guess what I am saying is say good bye to who you were, say hello to who you are, fall in love with what led to that…
First, you might try joining a social group that has a focus your interested in–board games, religion, birdwatching, or something that brings people together for mutual interests rather than just meeting other people. This eases tension a lot.
Second, self-help books can be very helpful for some issues and often are used by counselors or instead of counseling. This is particularly true of workbook-style self-help books. Like learning a language or studying for a licensing exam from a book, it only has a real chance of being effective if you do the activities–for example, if you get a social anxiety book that has you write about your fears, go to an event and try three different skills or activities, and then evaluate how well they worked afterward, actually doing so and filling in the worksheet in the book probably will be more helpful than skimming the chapter while saying to yourself, “Uh huh, uh huh, okay, got it” without writing anything down.
Third, there’s the outside help option. Talk therapy, a group focused on social anxiety, possibly a medication consultation if that seems potentially useful to you.
I don’t do self-help books. I’m sure they’re good for some people, but I’m more of a hands-on person. But as far as gaining confidence with strangers, you might want to consider joining your local Toastmasters group. It teaches you how to do public speaking, which will have a trickle-down effect on your personal encounters. I’m not sure where you live, but there are groups all over the place.
You will also get practical experience mixing with the other members at the meetings. The nice part is that most of the people there had the same shyness or lack of confidence you have. You can see how people evolve after a very short time. Good luck.
People mostly like talking about what they are interested in, which is generally themselves, the trick is to be a good listener - and an even better prompter.
Turn everything around to an open question, and you’ll have people talking for hours.
The trick is to shut up about yourself, but keep the other person talking
It may seem trite but a fellow named Dale Carnegie made a killing with a book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. I never read it but I imagine he just compiles everything that you’ll be told in this thread.
It’s not a bad book, and it’ll definitely help with understanding how conversations and dealing with others can help you socially and in job advancement. It’s a good start, at least.
Thank you for all of the advices so far! I was quite general when I first asked the question because I’m not even sure where to start getting help… but I think I’ll start narrowing the topic down, specifically on meeting new people.
What kind of topic do you start with when you try to start a conversation with someone you’ve never met before, and how do I approach strangers in the first place? Yes, it starts with “hello”, I know, I know, but I can’t find the next thing that I’m suppose to say to save the world.
Any books that deals with this particular topic would really help, of course.
A guy I met on Saturday, and probably won’t see again, asked me how I met our hosts. (I didn’t reciprocate. Bad me.)
Weather is safe, although sometimes works more as filler than as a starter for a conversation. Although if you follow up a comment like “It’s sooo cold” with “Nah, not really, I grew up in Minnesota” when one lives in a state not-adjacent to Minnesota, one may get asked questions like “So why did you move here?”. I have issues with balancing coversations well–either I babble, or I keep silent and observe.
“How long have you lived in the area?” “Where did you go to college?”–good for young people who are likely to have gone to college.
People often talk about their families, houses, pets, and work histories.
Current events can be good, but it depends. “So, where were you when you heard about Virginia Tech shootings” is probably more controversial than you really want.
You can talk about TV shows you watch, or movies you’ve seen recently–or ask the person about their interests.
It’s really not that hard in principle. Just in practice.
It’s good practice to talk to people in lines. You might ask the lady in front of you at the grocery store if that brand of yogurt is any good, for example. People stuck in the same boat (waiting at the gate in an airport, etc.) are often quite willing to talk and you’ve got a ready-made conversation topic - “Did they say how long it’s going to be?” “Have you been waiting long?” “Do you have a long trip home?” It might be good for you to practice on people like that - say, every time you go to the grocery store try to say something to the cashier or other people in line, etc.
I’m chatty by nature. I love going to Blockbuster when it’s really crowded and just chat up the next person in line regarding what movies they’re getting or bringing back. Sometimes a third person will jump in. I have met some of the nicest people that way! My husband thinks I’m nuts (he’s not much with the chatty).
Every conversation I’ve tried to start this way ended with the answer to those questions.
Where are you from? <some random place> <end>
What do you do? <work somewhere> <end>
Where did you meet so and so? <some random place/time/event> <end>
It’s probably just me though…I’ve heard this advice quite a bit, so I assume it works for some people.
I’m not naturally chatty (I don’t have much problem just sitting and not speaking, either), but my big breakthrough came when I realized everyone else feels just like I do - they appreciate having someone else make an effort to talk to them, too, and they don’t care much what you talk about.
And yes, I think self-help books can be very helpful, especially if you make the efforts to apply what you’re learning (like Shoshana mentioned, the workbook style is very good).
I think it is funny that to fight shyness, people will recommend you do something social. The whole problem is that shy people won’t want to talk to people in grocery lines, so telling them that it’s good practice won’t really help. That said, the only way to overcome being shy is by facing your fear. Though I don’t think the OP will do any practice willingly and on his own. I know I wouldn’t.
A few things I’d like to know from jamus_se though. Are you this way around everyone or just new people? Can you talk to people about subjects that interest you?
I’m not chatty by nature.
Typically a conversation with someone I know would go like this:
“How are you doing?” “Fine” “Seen any movies lately?” “Yes” “Which?” “<blah>” “Did you like it?” “Yes/No” “Why/not?” “<blah>” <end>
This probably has more to do with me than them, however…I tend to be a little slow on the ‘think up something to say’ task, and, while I’ll usually be able to come up with something, it’ll be about 30 seconds too late. Additionally, I won’t pretend to be excited by something the person I’m talking to does/did; it’s just not my style.
And the point to that? I suppose to say that I think that feigning interest(by at least one party) in a boring topic is required to sustain a conversation.
Well, I mean, I don’t talk to people in grocery lines because by the time I’m done fighting the morons in the grocery store I hate them all. But, I mean, it might work for somebody else!
Anyway, it’s a way of talking to people that’s risk-free. You won’t ever see them again. Who cares if you look like a moron or a psycho killer? You gotta step up to talking to people who actually matter more in your life, like coworkers or people in your classes.
Yea, I know it is a little easier, but I was trying to point out that it usually doesn’t help. If a shy person could not talk to people in a grocery before, why would they start now?
Not to pick on you or anything, but I’ve seen this kind of advice being offered a lot, and just chose to answer your version.
You know, I wonder if the difference between chatty people and non-chatty people is that the chatty ones aren’t feigning interest. I know I really am interested (for the span of a short conversation, at least) in all kinds of things. Some city I have never been to? I wanna know what it is like. Some job I know nothing about? Hey, I’m curious about it.
