Just a survey of how people handle this type of situation. It could be a party, a professional conference, or a networking event. The point is that you show up alone and do not know anyone else at the place. Can you make new friends in such a situation?
If you’re good at this, advice and other tips would be appreciated.
Friends? No. But nodding, howyadoing acquaintances, sure.
It helps to imagine that everyone feels as uneasy and alien as you. Even if you believe deep down this isn’t true, just make-believe it is. If it’s a professional conference, ask a couple of questions during the Q/A. This will get you on people’s radars as someone who is potentially interesting, and you may find them gravitating you afterwards to find out more about what you do.
As far as parties go, I have no advice for you. I don’t like attending parties where I don’t know anyone, especially if I don’t know the host very well.
Seconded. Especially at professional/networking events, where it’s expected that you’ll walk right up to people and introduce yourself and you have a built-in opening line (“what do you do/who do you work for?”).
It’s all about self-confidence – which is not a synonym for arrogance, loudness, etc. I don’t have to be the person who collects the most business cards/phone numbers/email addresses, but I also don’t shy away from opportunities to introduce myself to people (or even small groups). I’m just myself wherever I go.
Um, no. I am personally very shy on first meeting people. It’s not really fear, as it is insecurity.
My internal monologue is very neurotic: What do I say? OK, so I can introduce myself and ask what they do - THEN what do I say? If they are guys will they think I’m gay and trying to hit on them? If the are girls will they think I’m trying to hit on them? What if I walk up and say something and they all scatter, which is exactly what they always do? etc. etc. etc. :(:eek:
Once I know you, I have no problems being social in any capacity, whether intimate or shooting the breeze or anything in between.
If I don’t know you though, I don’t know how you’ll react to who I am. So I’m pretty quiet at first. What tends to work best is for a more talkative person to come up and pull me out of my shell. Just start talking to me until I snap out of my “I don’t know you” state, and then we’re golden. Every friend I’ve made after the age of 5 has started like this. Once things get started I’m just as talkative as they are. Just not around a bunch of strangers.
It’s a little different with work, since we usually have to talk. But still, I won’t be sociable (like, talk about non-work topics without prompting) unless they go first.
I’m terrible at it, and generally avoid the situation, or stay to myself in the corner.
I have been in this situation many times, usually on out-of-town business trips where they have a “meet and greet” type of event.
I go to the refreshment table or bar and greet the person next to me in line. This is much easier than trying to join a group already deep in conversation. Or I look for another person who is alone and introduce myself to them.
As to making new friends? LISTEN to them and respond to what they say rather than thinking about what you want to tell them about yourself. 
Some good advice so far. Here’s what I suggest…
Look for the most outgoing group or individual(s) in the gathering. If you look for the wallflowers like yourself, you may have that in common but it will work against you in that they’ll be just as reluctant to talk and open up as you. Find the loud mouthed shnooks and introduce yourself to them. They’ll do most of the talking anyway and you’ll have made some possibly valuable connections.
I can make small talk with just about anyone or anything, including inanimate objects. (So, Brick Wall, do you find that you have more grouting problems where you get more sun or more rain? And what do you think about the lack of vocational programs for bricklayers? Have you read any of the speaker’s stuff? I hear she’s more into neoclassical architecture these days.)
The thing is, everyone feels awkward, and all the group needs is a willing sacrifice to start the conversation. Stick to universal topics (aren’t puppies just the cutest things ever?) and elicit opinions on familiar subjects (my friend wants to do his first cookout. Any suggestions on buying a new grill?). Jokes are tricky - it’s far too easy to screw up a punchline, or worse, nail it and offend someone.
My worst problem is that I can keep about three new people straight in my head at any one time. Add more, and I lose track of names, faces, or both. It’s why I love nametags, and I never give anyone a hard time if they can’t remember my name.
I am pretty good at it. I like to talk to people and am good at asking questions to get people talking.
I love chatting with strangers. I don’t have any tips… “Be genuinely interested in other people” isn’t too helpful as practical advice goes.
But I think the main thing is I have no shame. By which I mean, it’s almost impossible to embarrass me, and it’s easy for me to brush off momentary awkwardness. If someone acts like an ass, it’s no reflection on me. Not for nothing, I just took a personality inventory specifically for lawyers and buried the needle on “resilience” which is far outside the norm for lawyers, apparently.
Oh, and I can remember faces but always forget names. That doesn’t impair my ability to chat at a business event. I just get their card.
Tip for remembering names…
Once introduced, “Hi I’m Bob.” Use Bob’s name immediately. “Hi Bob I’m Sam.” then say the name almost every time you speak to him. “So Bob, when did you arrive, this morning?”. Later while passing in the hallway, " Hi Bob!".
People love hearing their own name and it’s very difficult to not smile or ignore someone who says your name. And now you remember it because you’ve said it so often.
Another is to picture them standing next to someone with the same name, celebrity, or otherwise. You can then recall their “pal” if you can’t remember their name.
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Lol, our approaches are definitely different!
The OP didn’t say anything about being a wallflower, and neither did I. I’m very outgoing, but I prefer engaging people one on one, plus I hate seeing anyone standing by themselves, whether it’s due to shyness or that they just arrived, too.
Another point - not every loud mouthed schnook is a valuable connection. In fact, they may be more insecure than the shy ones, IMO.
I used to be horrible at this. Would go with my wife to parties her co-workers would throw and sit around bored. After a few times my wife got feedback from them saying I looked bored, or judgemental, or angry, or aloof.
So I started making a concious effort to paste a smile on my face. Arrive and just hang around half smiling all the time. It was amazing. People would just start approaching and do all the talking. I didn’t have to do the ice breaking.
True, but it’s still something I feel the need to second: in my opinion, self-confidence without a sincere interest in others often winds up becoming arrogance/self-centeredness.
This is very popular advice and I have no doubt that it works, but I’d urge some caution: when I meet someone and they start repeating my name like that, it sometimes feels “salesman-ish”…like they’re trying to make me think that we’re friends, or something. It tends to put me off a bit.
Yes, those are the standard tips, I’ve tried that sort of stuff and it makes no difference. I’m a pretty weak auditory processor; I can’t remember much just from hearing. Whatever I don’t write down is gone in 10 minutes.
More effective for me is just casually letting people know I’m bad at names. “I’m bad with names, so I may ask you again later” has always worked for me. People respond really well to this (many people are bad at names and feel I’ve just released the pressure off them).
I guess if I had a tip, it would be: be open about your weaknesses, and gracious in managing them, and no one will care. For example, if you tend to ramble on, let people know it’s ok to interrupt. If they do interrupt, don’t get upset, thank them and apologize gently (“whoops. I got going there”). People will be amazed at what a great guy/gal you are.
People with social anxiety think they have to project a “perfect” exterior or everyone will think they suck. In fact, expressing that you have a weakness is perceived as a huge assertion of confidence, and often, a compliment to the listener.
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People love hearing their own name and it’s very difficult to not smile or ignore someone who says your name.
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This is true! Even if I’m making smalltalk with the cashier at the Walmart, I use his/her name.
Smiling, eye contact, and genuine questions always work for me when engaging people I don’t know well in conversation.
Excellent advice. If you’re bad at names, say so. If you know nothing about a topic, say so. If you didn’t get enough sleep and feel a bit dopey, say so. (Obviously, you don’t need to start out a conversation with “Hi! I’m bad at names, know nothing, and didn’t sleep well last night. You?”)
You don’t have to wow people and you don’t have to be “on.” Just be friendly and think about the conversation as a way to find out something interesting or pleasant about a person you just met.
Most people like when other people admit to feeling a bit nervous or out of place or the like.
For a lot of years I was painfully shy. I would avoid talking to or making eye contact with teachers, waiters, shop clerks, strangers, everyone.
My second serious boyfriend (who I later married) tipped me off that it wasn’t necessarily easy for everyone else. At least half of them were faking social ease. He urged me to just dive right in, and asked rightly “what’s the worst that can really happen?”
One of his favorite approaches was “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Gwen.”
I’m not saying I went from wallflower to life of the party. But I do leave the corner and speak to people, and the whole thing is less awful and awkward than it used to be.
I’m fairly good at it, but I tend to spend the beginning just watching the crowd. Then I jump in! I will admit that I learned a good bit from reading Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
I like doing this, as the fact that they have something on their plate gives me a starting ground. Ask a question or make a comment about something, anything on their plate. Questions are usually better as any sort of conversation starter, they are almost bound by politeness to answer, and are usually flattered that you want their opinion.
The bolded part is new to me, I like it, thanks! 
I use the person’s name also, and mentally tell myself, “Bob. Starts with a B.” If I can’t remember the name, I’ll usually remember the letter, and that helps trigger the name. If I get stuck, I can always say, “Don’t tell me…it starts with a “B”…give me a minute…” and they usually smile, tell me their name, and are happy that I got close. And if I get the letter wrong? “My name is MIKE!! Where did you get a “B”??” 
Always try to smile! You don’t want to look like a grinning idiot, but at the same time no one wants to talk to the grouch.
My own tips - I rely a lot on questions.
Try to find an article of clothing to comment/ask questions about. With (other) women that’s easy, “What great shoes/earrings! Where did you get them?” For guys -I had a man reverse this on me by telling me his sister was a “shoe freak” and where did I get mine? I was complimented that he wanted to know, and we wound up talking.
At a party, your host is the common ground. You usually know something about the person who invited you. “How do you know Mary? I know her from …work, school, whatever… but I don’t see anyone else from there here.” Once you know how they know the host, you have things to ask questions about.
People love to talk about the things they love. Do you have any pets? Got a story about them? Ask the other person if they have any pets. Got kids? Ask the other person if they have any kids. (It may be a little creepy if you ask if they have kids if you have none of your own. Unless you are thinking about having kids, and then can use that…)