The best approach, for me, is to look for someone else who looks a little lost and strike up a conversation. Usually I’ll start with some kind of question so that a person could brush me off if they really don’t want to talk, or they can pick it up and keep it running. I don’t over think it. Maybe I mention that haven’t seen them before, or ask them how the food is, whatever. I wait to introduce myself until we’re a little bit into the discussion, partly because I can’t remember your name if that’s the first thing you tell me. I need about five minutes of getting to know you before I can remember a name.
I will also sometimes sidle up to a group already having a conversation and look for an opening to invite myself into it, especially if it’s one those party groups where you can see that people are coming into and out of it on a regular basis.
On the other hand, none of these people turn into what I’d call friends. I hate parties in general. It’s just a coping mechanism to make the next few hours less bad.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is that no matter how trivial it is, people will always have something to say about things that just happened, because it’s so fresh in their minds. So ask about their flight, their commute, what they think about the crudités, how they liked the lady keynote, etc.
Me too. I’ve been told I’m a good listener. I like people.
In any large-ish group, there will be 5% assholes, whom you can usually recognize in advance and avoid; 5% star-quality top-level alphas, whom are usually monopolized by others; and 90% just people…who are the most interesting of all!
I don’t know about new friends, but I’m good at chatting with and getting to know people and very comfortable in such situations.
Without reading any other responses, I’d say the most important factor is being sincerely interested in other people, asking them about themselves/family/profession/hobbies or whatever is relevant to the event. Also finding areas of common ground (“so how did you meet the hosts?” “What’s you’re opinion on {such and such} latest study?”) and establishing what you have in common.
Also, asking questions that don’t require a yes or no answer. Or making an observation that will probably establish a common bond, even if it’s something trivial like complimenting the food (“I wonder where they found this recipe” or “wasn’t parking a nightmare? I ended up parking three blocks away because I hate paying parking fees.”)
It’s been my long-held observation that many people who are uncomfortable in social situations tend to focus too much on themselves and what others will think about them, and not nearly enough - if at all - on what might be interesting about the people around them, or what they can learn from others.
I think this is true of shyness in general. We (the shy) think that someone is thinking about us when they aren’t, so we curtail our own behavior to look better to them when they are not even aware of us. If we put ourselves into their shoes, we realize that (at least for most of us) we aren’t studying and judging everyone else’s behaviors. We’re just there, trying not to spill punch down our shirts.
I know; I qualified it by saying “many” because I realise that it’s probably a whole lot more complex for some people. And also because I’m aware that there are folks (perhaps on the autism spectrum, or perhaps congenitally shy) who truly cannot muster a whole lot of interest in other people and their thoughts or reactions. And that is OK too although I imagine it can be limiting or uncomfortable at times.
But if you spill punch down your shirt, you’re just being a messy normal human and most people will relate to that.
This is going to sound really stupid, but for a long time I thought I was bad at making small talk, but it turned out I just hung out with a bunch of boring assholes. Work-related stuff is one thing, but if you find yourself with nothing to say at social events, it may be that you are gravitating toward people you think you should like rather than people you really do like.
I used to be the way gwendee used to be, but I’ve become Hello Again. As a child I hid from people. As a young adult I barely acknowledged aquaintances because I assumed they wouldn’t remember me. More adult (30s & 40s) I battled my social anxieties but maybe around 50 I mentally threw up my hands and decided WTF. Since I really do like people I stopped thinking about myself and started focusing on others. One thing that helped was reading that shyness is really a form of arrogance, the exact opposite of what I thought I was feeling but yeah, it was. When I stopped obsessing about myself I could be more natural. Another thing that helped was reading that a conversation is like tossing a ball back and forth; when it comes to you you contribute something, which lobs it back to the other person.
And now I, too, have no shame. Which is a good thing because my mouth usually works before my brain does.
“Stop thinking about yourself” isn’t so easy for some of us. I have to constantly maintain my composure because otherwise if I get in a situation I can’t handle I have an outburst and beat myself to a pulp, bite myself until I draw blood, and do other things that, understandably, really freak people out.
I have to constantly think about my mood, think about what people are saying, diagnose whether the conversation is going into territory that might set me off, think of possible ways to excuse myself if it does, and make sure I’m not saying anything or doing anything that may lead to a situation I can’t handle. If I so much as hurt someone’s feelings it can be all over if I don’t know how to recover.
I’ve tried “just being myself” and “not worrying about it” and it always leads a meltdown. I wish it didn’t, I really do, I wish there was some better way to control my meltdowns, but the only way I can is by being acutely aware of the situation at all times. Not even medication works. I’m sure this makes me come across as reserved, self absorbed, or weird, but the alternative is a spectacular display extreme self harm that ruins everyone’s time. I’ve more or less taken it to avoid social situations altogether because either I’m a wet blanket or I legitimately scare people. If I get to know someone really well I can cope because after we trust each other I can explain some of my problems and we work together and everything is fun and fine for both of us, but relationships almost never get that far for me for obvious reasons. Right now I’m friendless because my best friend got rid of me due to getting a boyfriend, and it’s really stressful because I know it’s going to take months of work to even find someone to put months of work into before I’m not a minefield around them.
Please let me add, “a people person” doesn’t have to talk. They might always help with the chairs, make sure everybody gets “one” (whatever), or come up with a play list that keeps every body moving. Still, they connect and contribute and are a part of the whole.
Sounds like you’re experiencing extreme social anxiety. What if you were in a safe environment (family? friends? therapist?) and allowed it all to come out? (Not the self-harm—that’s you trying to repress “it.”) Maybe the all/overwhelming “everything” is really just a few basic emotional reactions that can be pinpointed and then addressed. I’ve never known an alien yet but I do know some people who are out there, and that’s okay, too.
Yes, that is all true. Trinopus said it more succinctly than I would have:
I watch the crowd a bit to see if I can figure out who’s who. I don’t want stuck with the assholes. I don’t want to be a hanger-on of the alphas, where my comments will go unnoticed. I also don’t want to infringe on the flirty couple, or the couple getting ready to have an argument.
Jragon, I rarely give “hugs” but your honest post makes me want to do just that.
I’ve read it twice, and the only thing that comes to me is that maybe a book or hobby club would work for you? I’m thinking a small, controlled group with rules about speaking one at a time. A group of people who already share one of your interests, and whose focus is on a particular topic or a presentation rather than free-form social chit chat.
You could even tell the leader ahead of time that you’re shy and would prefer to observe for awhile before joining in. In other words, make it clear you prefer not to be singled out and asked to tell everyone about yourself on the first meeting.
I go back and forth, sometimes I’m pretty good at it, other times I suck. It really depends on my mood. I teach English as a foreign language, so I have to do this a lot and I’m getting better at it, though.
Things that help me are remembering that it’s like you are acting a role. Maybe not for everyone, but for lots of people. Also remembering that it’s hard for others makes it easier.
I think of something fun to get a smile on my face. It makes it easier to talk to people and to be approached.
Have an exit strategy if it doesn’t work out when you wind up talking to Mr. Sourpuss. “That’s great! I think I’ll go get another drink” works well.
I’m terrible with names and I hate the thing of people saying my name 10,000 times, so I just come right out and say I’m terrible not only with names, but faces. I’ll ask if I can’t just call them “John” instead. That jokes often works better with women. If you’re smiling most people don’t mind, and will laugh with you.
At professional events, it works to have a couple of standard questions. I would say things like “So, are you a dealer or with a manufacturer?”
–> “Oh, a dealer? How is business?”
–>“Oh, a manufacturer? How is business?”
Are things getting better or worse?
“Are you from town or did you come in?” “I’ve never been to one of these (XXX) before, how are they? Do you meet a lot of people?”
When I get nervous, my ability to generate anything other than extremely stupid questions goes right out the window, so I have to plan stuff beforehand.
I can do it, though I don’t enjoy it at all. Like TokyoBayer, I’ve got some questions I think of as standard that I’ll ask to get a conversation started or move it along when it’s stalled, but if there are a lot of people around who either aren’t very conversant or we just don’t click, I feel a bit like a parrot after a while.
Nonetheless, it’s a good exercise - it’s really good practice, and I think it’s a great skill to develop.
Normally I am just fine with meeting strangers and socializing, but I recently attended a function that had me partially stymied. I was at a fundraiser for the foundation that donates big bucks to my civic institution and workplace. Some of us staff members were invited to the gala in order to mix with the donors and express our appreciation for all they do (donating big $$$). I chatted a bit with some of my colleagues, but really we were there to mix with foundation members, so I broke away and scanned the crowd for a likely group or person to approach… nothin’. I mean, everyone there was about 20 years older than me (and I’m not young) and obviously of a different socio-economic group. Something about their dress and body language just gave me pause, made me a bit stand-offish. I didn’t see any group or individuals that looked approachable, nor were there any wallflowers to pester. There were at least 150 attendees, so it wasn’t slim pickin’s. After 10 minutes of wandering around and not finding a social crack to exploit, I spied Yasmin Dar and Candace Campos, the news anchor and weather forecaster for local station KVAL. I watch them almost every night, so it was like seeing some old friends, even though I’d never met them before. I ran right up to them and introduced myself – they were friendly and sociable, and introduced me to the people they were with and asked me all about what I did, etc. Turns out Yasmin was the guest speaker for the event. Anyway, I like to socialize and am not normally shy about meeting strangers, but every situation is different.
As a child I hid from people. As a young adult I barely acknowledged aquaintances because I assumed they wouldn’t remember me. More adult (30s & 40s) I battled my social anxieties but maybe around 50 I mentally threw up my hands and decided WTF. Since I really do like people I stopped thinking about myself and started focusing on others. One thing that helped was reading that shyness is really a form of arrogance, the exact opposite of what I thought I was feeling but yeah, it was. When I stopped obsessing about myself I could be more natural. Another thing that helped was reading that a conversation is like tossing a ball back and forth; when it comes to you you contribute something, which lobs it back to the other person.
