Meeting people--your tips, tricks, and techniques

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve a feeling that I authored a thread along these lines some time ago but am too lazy to search for it. Anyway, owing to a variety of factors (isolated childhood, tendency toward insular activities, some degree of natural shyness, a propensity toward lecture and pedantry, a lack of ability in making casual chatter, blah blah blah) I find it very difficult to meet and make the acquaintance of new people, even in situations in which lend themselves to such. Nonetheless, I make the attempt as circumstances suit in the hopes that somehow by exposure, experience, and attrition I’ll figure our the means and methods to engaging the interest of persona unfamiliaris. That strategy seems to be about as successful, however, as protecting the French border by leaving a gigantic hole through neighboring Belgium.

My grandfather (actually, my step-grandfather) had this way about him which would have him conversing with a stranger like old fishing buddies within half a minute. I never figured out the trick of it, but he’d have waitresses swooning. It certainly wasn’t appearance; if you can imagine a red-headed version of Drew Carey, only taller and with a deep smoker’s rasp, you’d have him down to a whisker. Although generous with tips and complements, he was never one to pander shamelessly or otherwise buy acquaintance and affection, and he was equally at home with Mexican laborers as he was with FBI agents, restaurant owners, ex-military precious stone curriers, and mob figures. Sadly, he suffered the inevitable fate of the living many, many years ago, just after demonstrating to me the basic techniques of lock bypass but before passing on his secrets of affecting people.

Anyway, I’ve no hope of attaining that degree of personality and conviviality, but to exhibit even a fraction of that worldly fraternity seems like a fairly mean goal; at least, perhaps, I might obtain from some reasonably attractive and intelligent young lady the occasion of a supper date once or twice between blue-hued moons. So, what are your general tips, suggestions, comments, ideas, notions, and constructive criticisms on the topic?

Stranger

2

I think the first thing you need to do is let people know that you’re interested in making their acquaintance. That means, smile! Make eye contact. Ask them about themselves. Share something interesting or something similar to their experience. Don’t get all heavy on a person right away. Keep it light and open yourself to receiving their friendship. Good luck!

3

Small talk is a skill, not an inherent talent, and it’s worth cultivating.

Look at the person you’re talking to, ask them a question, and listen to the answer. Put yourself in their position, and ask a follow-up question. For instance: “What do you do?” They tell you – think about what you’d like to know about that – how do you get into that biz, or what’s it like dealing with X element of the job, or … whatever.

Before you know it, you’re having a conversation!

4

In my opinion, I think it is a lot more complicated than many people may say.

For most of the people I meet, it is not good enough just to ask questions, smile, and act interested.

How old are you? If you’re under 30, you will have even a harder time connecting with people. Young people are so territorial these days.

My advice: try to share opinions and experiences, that you think others will agree with , as soon as possible. Obviously, this is quite risky, but it will pay off if you do it the right way. Skip the asking nosy and corny questions until later.

I truly believe that people only like people who are similar to themselves and fills some kind of void. I think that the common belief that people will like you if you’re a.) friendly b.) a good person, is a load of BS. I know many good and friendly people who aren’t liked by many people. And worse, I know many mean people who have tons of friends.

Ok, back to expressing your opinions thing…by expressing similar opinions to fulfill that first criteria (similarity) that many people look for in friends. How do you find out what others are thinking? You need to learn how to read people. So, go out and do some people watching, and your people reading skills will improve.

I am going to contradict myself a little here. Expressing similarity will only get you so far. Eventually you will start boring people. So you will need to start working on the second criteria. Think, how are we different from each other? What voids in their life do they have, and can I fill them? If you can fill them, don’t fill them all the way or they will take you for granted.

5

Keep in mind, there are a good number of people you really don’t want to meet. People with tons of emotional baggage, dishonest people, ignorant people, people that can only talk and never listen, and so on.

Just a fair warning.

6

I could not have stated the sentiments expressed in the top two sentences any better. I’ve read and attempt to practice all the Dale Carnegie stuff–ask questions about the subject, act (and be) interested, et cetera–but as you say, it’s not enough and often enough it is taken as, if not actually a threat, an imposition. And I’ve to admit that I find it somewhat startling and not just a little suspicious when someone spontaneously initiates a conversation with me, so I can scarcely blame everyone else for the same fault.

I’m a few dollars beyond 30, but I don’t find that it helps much; perhaps there is some breakpoint of age after which people generally become more open and welcoming but it’s not something I’ve yet encountered. I’ll note, though, that some people are casualy and seemingly naturally quite adept at this business; while that’s not me, I’m hoping I can at least figure out how to fake it.

Stranger

7

You can’t meet people doing the same old things, as I’m ever so fond of saying. I have a shared interest with all of the friends I’ve made since college.

Step 1: Be interested in something (have no interests? Then you have a problem. Find one.)
Step 2: Get involved in some way with this interest. Example: join a recreational team, take lessons in something, volunteer in a way that relates to your interest, such as literacy if you like to read.
Step 3: Chat in a general way with the people you meet doing the activity in Step 2. Talk should be confined to the shared activity or general small talk. This is the “feeling out period” and the goal to to identify someone(s) you might feel comfortable talking with on other subjects. If you find out someone has just moved to the area, paydirt! They are probably eager to meet new people.
Step 4: (the hard one) Invite the person identified in Step 3 to some outside activity, other than the one you already share. For sports teams, ask if they want to get some dinner after the game or practice (most people are hungry after a game or practice, and everyone eats even if not everyone drinks… this is how I got to know my pal Michelle). Movies are okay but can seem date-y to members of the opposite sex for whom you have no such intentions. Its best if the movie has some faint connection to the shared interest, if such a thing is possible.

Good luck, be brave, and remember, taking that step onto the unknown is fraught with tension for everyone, even the terminally outgoing, such as myself. I recently met some women through my knitting group, and asked them to dinner. I was really nervous that they would think I was “forward” for lack of a better term since I only met them a couple of times. Turns out they were just as eager as I was to meet people in our area. I wouldn’t say we are best buds as of yet but I am excited to get to know them better.

8

See this has NEVER worked for me. I read this kind of advice so often, that I wonder if this may actually work for some people. But, what separates people like me from people like them?

Well, actually I know the answer, but I don’t want to be the one who opens a can of worms.

9

Well, that is a literal description of how I meet people, not a theory I have yet to test. Since I’ve “started over” via cross country moves three times in the last 12 years (to locations far from family where I knew only 1-2 people locally), perhaps I’m more adept at it than some. When you say it “doesn’t work” what do you mean exactly? You are unable to talk about a shared activity with another participant?

10

In all reality, I am just as confused about how friendly I am as you are confused at your opposite situation. I don’t know how or why I do it, but I meet people constantly, at a rate of probably a handful a day. Right now, I probably know a good hundred or so people, ones who I say hello to and all of that. Typically, if our eyes meet, I will probably strike up a conversation. For me, there just simply is no reason not to, and I am just as comfortable not talking as I am talking. Maybe it is confidence, maybe it is apathy, but I just am a naturally friendly person.

However, I want to stress that quantity does not make quality. Right now, I can honestly say I have one real, true friend. I love her dearly, and I did meet her through being friendly, but it is rare for me to really become friends with anyone beyond the small talk, despite plenty of oppurtunities to do such.

Also, when you read a book on how to meet people and you create this rigid guide in your head, you truly aren’t learning how to be friendly. To be friendly needs to not necessarily come naturally, but it does need to flow. It is fluid, dynamic - not something you can analyze and predict. Get yourself in the right frame of mind, say hi to everyone, and then gradually move on to saying hello and asking a question or two. Just suck up the fear, hide the aniexty, and don’t be afraid of a rather neutral situation.

11

No, I never became friends with people using the typical small talk technique. Now, I’ve made several friends who approached ME with the typical small talk techniques, but never the other way around.

12

<load of bs>
See, us v. them isn’t going to help you, if you don’t mind me being a little analyzing prick for a second. When you really start to question social situations (Why am I here, what am I doing, why can’t I be friendly, etc etc), take a moment to really think about it. Try to disconnect the way you are thinking with the actual situation. Is it really that big of a deal? If you and a stranger are together in a room, they know absolutely nothing about you. The situation, effectively, is neutral - until you introduce questions into your mind.

In reality, there really isn’t a dichotomy between friendly people and whatever you are claiming to be. You are one in the same, but you are overthinking the situation. Most of the friendly people I know just simply exist, without much thought to the contrary.
</load of bs>

Yeah, I know, IMNAE or whatever, but it is the way I see the situation.

13

Let me add that in order to have a friend – which in my book is not a “saying hello” aquaintence but rather a person who you feel understands who you are or at least part of who you are – you must put your desire for intimacy or emotional connection above your fear of vulnerability.

If your fear is greater than your need for connection you simply will not have the real drive to make friends. Moreover if you have a strong internal conflict on this issue you may give off an approach/avoidance vibe which falls under the heading of “creepy” to many people.

14

You’re still being vague. What do you MEAN when you say you “never became friends.” You never felt you could connect with them? They rejected your overtures? What?

I didn’t say smalltalk was the only approach. In fact it is the secondary approach. The primary approach is conversation (sometimes quite deep and detailed) about a shared interest.

15

I managed to meet someone through Meetup. It helps to find people who shares the same interest as you and engage in the same activity.

For me, I find that what cements a friendship is actually doing things together. Small talk can only get you so far. Some people can rack up numerous friends through engaging in small talk alone - it might be charisma, their personality or something else, but it never does work for me. But I find being together in an activity works.

But in regards to OP, being able to wow people by first impression and small-talk seems to be more of a personaltiy trait and upbringing.

16

I mean “never became friends” as in being left in the acquaintance zone…at best. Usually the reactions I get from people when I use small talk is that they want to end the convo asap. I get short answers and averted eye gazes.

17

Okay, what I was alluding to is that some people have more “strikes against them” than others. A strike can be a disability, age difference, race/ethnicity difference, weight difference, class difference, or difference of attractiveness. Or, it can be something less obvious such as being new in a company of people who have known each other for years. Some people just have a demeanor that rubs people the wrong way.

I have the feeling that the OP may have some of these issues. Please forgive me if I’m wrong, but I remember reading some of his posts in the “define creepiness” thread.

I’ve learned the hard way, when you have a strike against you, normal communication techniques will not get you that far.

18

Of course you need to move beyond small talk – otherwise, you’re acquaintances, not friends. But before you can become friends with someone, you have to get to know them – and the way to get to know someone is through conversation, and the way to start a conversation is (usually) with small talk.

Which, I’ll continue to insist, is a learnable skill. I am, by nature, extremely shy – but I have forced myself to learn how to make conversation with people, to the extent that not everyone realizes that I’m shy. In a large, mixed group of friends, I’ll definitely do a hell of a lot more listening than talking – but when I’m one-on-one with someone, whether I know them well or not, I can usually keep a conversation going (though with some people it’s like pulling teeth).

19

I’ve actually been thinking about this since yesterday, when I saw a comment in another thread that equated small talk to being phony (seems that people who are bad at small talk sometimes need to believe that it’s not worth being good at). So, to start, I agree with everything twickster said (as I usually do :)).

Mostly, though, there is no “trick.” There’s nothing you can learn. IME, it comes down to self-confidence, and a degree of not caring what other people think. For the shy/introverted, this will never come easily or naturally. It just won’t. You also have to genuinely believe that other people are worth getting to know: if you have disdain or apathy for your fellow man, it will show. Be interested in people, be confident, don’t be afraid to embarrass yourself or completely screw up your approach, and don’t take the whole endeavour (of talking to strangers/meeting new people) too seriously. There’s an old joke about sincerity being the key: if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Ha ha. But I think sincerity really is the key.

All of the above will come easily to some people, and not to others. Which is not to say that people can’t learn to be better at talking to strangers, just that it may never feel natural or easy.

At the other end of the spectrum are people who talk to anyone and everyone, and don’t seem to recognize boundaries regarding appropriate conversation. You know, like the guy on the Metro who starts talking to the person next to him, completely ignoring the book in the person’s lap. Or the old lady who thinks it’s ok to talk about her health problems to the poor person in the grocery store who only helped her get something off a shelf. I think that this type has more in common with the shy/introverted than most people think.

Not to be too blunt, but bullshit. If you feel that you have a strike against you, that’s when you have trouble – this is where confidence comes in. I’m a short, young-looking fat chick with average looks at best, but I don’t believe that I am “beneath” talking to anyone. Anyone. If I have to ask the hottest guy in the club to please scoot over so I can get to the bar, I will. With a smile, and maybe even a little flirting. The thing is, I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care if he’s repulsed by me, I don’t care if he’s a dick and is rude to me, I don’t care if he smiles back. And I would act the same way if I were approaching anyone else: little interactions like that are what lead to getting to know people, and I believe that the vast majority are worth getting to know. Of course there are differences in age, status, attractiveness, etc., but seeing those differences as “strikes” is the problem.

20

It’s not what I FEEL it’s what I’ve experienced. Of course having a negative attitude will make things worse. But, let’s be realistic. What about the many times I was rejected and I didn’t FEEL like I had strikes against me? I mean, now that I stopped denying that I won’t always be just like everyone else and will be treated like everyone else, unless I prove myself, things are actually a lot easier for me. I know what I am lacking in when I interact with certain people, and I have developed strategies to compensate for them.