How do you meet people?

Inigo Montoya is approaching the pool of lonely singles. Not (necessarily) for sex, but simply for companionship and emotional bond of some sort. Last time I did this was in High School (20+ years ago) so I’m a little rusty. I’ve spent that time 100% devoted to my girl without so much as a sideways glance at another.

Now I find myself in her absence and I’m miserably lonely. And I’ve got her infidelity to contend with on top of it. So, where does one go? In addition to casting a gratuitous line to Dopers in the Denver area that is. :wink:

Try your workplace. You’re the right side of 40, so there are going to be quite a few single women in the 25-35 bracket who will be interested in you. Make an excuse to visit a seldom-visited section and try to chat to the single women.

Totally unsolicited advice of the day: slow down. Give yourself some time to cope with what’s happened in your marriage and grieve for it’s loss before running out there to be slammed again.

But, when you’re ready. Well, what do you like to do? I usually have more luck meeting people by doing what I like, rather than being someone I’m not by going places I normally don’t (like bars and “singles gatherings”). Like to garden? Is there a conservatory near you? Join as a member and spend your days with the plants. Sooner or later, some hottie will walk by and you can astound her with the depth of your knowledge of orchids.

Like books? Bookstores are great, especially the ones with the cafes, where talking to strangers doesn’t feel so smarmy. Find someone reading something you don’t know, and ask her what she likes about it. (Far more productive than blathering on about what you think - find out what *she *thinks.)

Perform music? Chicks dig musicians, and I’m sure Denver has some open mike nights somewhere. Listen to music? I’m sure Denver has some cheap open mike nights somewhere.

Make art? Consider spending some working time at a community studio. Great place to meet artists and share space and materials. Again, when you find a cutie, ask her about her work, don’t bore her with yours right away.

The thing is, you’re far more attractive if you’re doing your own thing and living your own life and doing interesting things. The second you start “looking,” women will start running. Away. No one wants to feel like a conquest. They want to feel attracted to you. So go be you, only do it where other people can see you being you.

Hrm… this is how I met most of the people I know:

  1. Online. People found me online one way or another, contacted me, we started chatting and we interested each other enough to maintain at least an open line of communication. A lot of people I met online I have/do hang out with IRL.

  2. Work. One of the things I like best/miss most about part-time jobs is that I like socializing with my coworkers. It can also cause a lot of problems though so I’m usually a lot more cautious about hanging around with or doing things with them away from work.

  3. Friends of friends. Most of my friends now were friends of other people I’ve known. You hang out with your buddy and their buddies, then you end up hanging out with the other people and meeting their friends your friends don’t know. Er… I hope that makes sense. I meet a lot of people that way, and end up making more permanent connections with the ones I have more in common with.

  4. Common interest. A lot of the people I hang out with now are other artists that I’ve met one way or another, people that do business on the web, writers, and such. Those aren’t the only reasons I’m friends with them, of course, but it was that common thread that helped to grow a good friendship.

I can’t offer much advice on meeting people specifically for dating purposes. I love to meet new people and make new friends, but I’m not good at the dating thing. I’m quite extroverted yet incredibly private and shy in some particular ways that mean I almost exclusively get in relationships with people I become very good friends with first. But of course, that’s not a bad way to start a relationship at all. :slight_smile:

Online. Seriously.

Go to your city’s Yahoo chat room (once again, I’m quite serious). Have your profile reasonably detailed (and showing, without protesting too much, that you are not a sleaze).

You log in to the room ,and of course it will be full of teenagers talking about the size of their cocks, calling each other “faggots” ets etc. As soon as you log in, you leave the window open and just surf the Dope or whatever. If you see an instant message appear in your Taskbar, open it, read it, check the person’s profile, and respond with a polite “Hello”. Take it from there. It used to work for me when I was looking for romance years ago, and now that I’m attached it works for me when I’m looking for somebody just to chat over the fence with (not that I have time much now for that).

There are lots of decent people in those rooms. They are the quiet ones who don’t participate in the obscene, illiterate glurge that rolls by on the screen.

Further to what jinwicked said, I’ve never actually been on a date, despite being near twenty years out of high school, and having had a reasonably full love life in that time (with a dry spell or two). I don’t like the idea of a date. It sounds like something for nervous teenagers. I’d rather just meet people, either IRL or electronically, and take it from there if there’s a spark of compatibility, or forget it if there’s not.

“Eureka” posts. Every one.

It sounds so simple I’m embarassed to have posted the question. Nah. the reality is that I’ve spent every waking moment for the last 12 years trying to make ends meet that I have lost track of any hobbies/interests that I had. Part of the reason I got dumped, I’m told, is that I’m not the guy she married. Irony. My meltdown last November actually had gotten me OFF that path and I’ve been a great dad & husband for about a month–and loving it. But the damage was done and HE had been found. She’s not giving him up. Ah well.

Doing what pleases me is a foreign concept I guess I’m going to need to become familiar with.

Another Coloradoan, just throwing out some ideas here:

Might I also suggest taking a class of some sort? Personal interests, professional, doesn’t matter…just somethhing that interests you.

I have also met a lot of great people at Chamber of Commerce events. Does your company belong? Business After Hours is a blast…and a great way to make personal as well as professional connections.

How old are your kids? If they’re not too old for it, how about taking they to the Rec or the Y or whatever to play, join a team, etc. You can spend time with them, and meet other parents as well.

I know it’s hard to do when you are feeling crappy about yourself, but the key is to just get off the couch, get out there and be willing to TALK to people. The rest will come. With your personality and sense of humor…should be no problem at all.

I joined a pool league. It’s helped somewhat.

Get a puppy and take it for a walk.

It is a natural human magnet. No one can resist the allure of our canine friends.

Offer cash.

Same place, same time, good location.

You want to find losers? Go to the local dive bar at 4pm every day.

However, you want to find winners?

Go to an upscale bar, for an hour or two, every weekend, and dress up for the part.
Or, go to a nice cafe every day at the same time and have a cup of coffee and read a magazine.

You will be noticed, and you will begin to notice others. Familiarity is good. You know that “stranger” because you have seen them many times.

Location is very important. Not that you can’t meet creeps everywhere, but chances are that if you go where the intelligent, employed folks hang out, you are more likely to meet one.

I mean, you are more likely to meet someone who is NOT a creep, though no guarantees.

I would second the advice to look for friends, rather than relationships. Wait a while on the latter. Rebound relationships don’t often work.

The common interest idea is a good one. Also if there’s a neighborhood bar in your area maybe you could hang out there. (I don’t know how you are with drinking, but you don’t neccessarily have to drink a lot to hang out at the local pub.) I don’t neccessarily recommend the bar scene for dating (though it’s worked for me) but it’s a good place to meet some interesting people.

I second the online idea. I met my husband through (which I think has disappeared, but I’m sure there are plenty others). Work up a good profile, post it here for us to critique, then post it on a meeting site. The great thing about meeting people from matchmaker sites (that reminds me - I think one is called is that you know right up front what you’re both looking for. No worries about “Is she single? Is she looking?” etc.

Dating from online can be great for building up your confidence and skills, too. I think dating is like any other skill - the more you do it, the better you get at it.

By the way, that’s not a link to loveataoldotcom - just a silly computer thing. If a mod wanted to make it not look like a link, I wouldn’t mind.

I have to say this is good advice. Especially a medium-small, cute puppy. When I take my boxer for a walk…look out babe magnet. Well, except when my wife is along :slight_smile: (so I rarely walk him w/o the wife, bad for my health dontcha know).

Also, if you will allow my broad paintbrush, women are attracted to a guy doing activities with his kids.

So if you AND the kids walk the dog, you will be elbowing people out of the way.

Good suggestions all, above.

A few more random comments (possibly worthless, you decide).

Well, at least you have a good work ethic. Now you have to redirect it, and train yourself to look for opportunity – and prepare for it.

Example of preparation – keep a running list of stuff you’d like to do (or try), that could be good for two. Regularly scan whatever papers have this info, and just keep track of it. County fair two weekends from now. Interesting indie film at the art house cinema opens this Friday. Etc.

Take the kids snowboarding or other fun activity. Under some circumstances, inviting someone else along could be OK, depending on the kids, them, you, the situation, etc.

Good advice, but it varies with the activity. Some activities are worse for meeting people. For example, from years of wandering in very remote wilderness areas, I’d say you don’t run into too many people when you do that.

Comment: yeah, to a certain extent, there’s a void in your life, and you have an instinct to toss stuff into it to fill it, but on the other hand, don’t run from something that’s good, either. Guess what I mean is, Let things develop Organically. Don’t obsess over one new person. Since it sounds like you’re built for monogamy, you might have a tendency to do that. Which is all the more reason to get out a lot and meet as many women as you can, basically. Expect most of it to be idle chitchat with friends and acquaintances, and enjoy it.

Shift focus. Or widen focus. In some of your waking moments, slow down, and as you’re doing whatever you’re doing, just observe. Observe women. You’re employed, and, I presume, presentable. You may start to notice them noticing you. (Or them noticing you noticing them.) They’re probably not going to say hello unless they can think of some excuse (e.g., the dog/kids that others have mentioned previously), so then it’s up to you.

Thought it might be worth repeating.

Put the word out, if you don’t mind others setting you up.

Welcome, lost in the post.

I giggle at that “You’re employed, and, I presume, presentable” bit. I have this image in my head of what a guy must look like who obsesses over his mate for many MANY years and then pines away on a message board when she’s abandoning him to the harshness of the great, cruel world. That arrogant, self-serving comic book geek on The Simpsons springs tomind. Heh heh…No, I’m not him. And the more I pine away, the more my weight is returning to normal. Shoot, I haven’t looked this good in 10 years! :smiley:

It’s funny that, the more I discuss with my wife the causes of the death of our marriage, the greater insight I get into how to improve myself and expand my circle of friends beyond the one or two which have sustained me for years. I’m debating whether or not to hijack my own thread with some of this information.

But not yet.

I have taken the spirit of the responses here to heart and have already made changes to my routine. I’ve joined a volleyball group at a local rec center which has been trying to get me to come and play for about a year; I’ve resolved to get back into softball this spring–I haven’t played in 5 years; I have a stunt kite I’m taking out of the closet which was always a joy to take to the park and fly back when I had time long, long ago; work-sponsored social events are finding their ways into my calendar…

Much in this thread bears repeating, not the least of which is:

You just need to be more creative. Wandering alone in the remote wilderness won’t get you meeting many people, but charging them to take a survival class you’re teaching will. And it will make you money! What more could you ask for? :smiley:

Yes, I suppose if your favorite hobby is hermitism, you’re SOL. But then you’re probably not looking to meet people anyway!