Is there some class I missed that week in fourth grade when I had chicken pox? I’m beginning to wonder if I’m missing some gene that allows me to interact with people in a group setting. Maybe I’m just physically unable to make small talk. Or maybe it’s that constant fear of rejection. Or I’m just a dweeb.
I don’t know why I’m posting this… oh, well.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe we were both absent that day. I am trying to meet some people to hang out with where I have moved, and I had this one woman I was chatting with say, ‘It’s too bad you live across town – we could have been friends.’
So… I don’t have any advice, just a similar gripe.
Me three. I’m thinking I must have a faulty flirting chip or something. I never know when people are flirting with me and I just get stupid when around someone I like. ::shrug::
tigg,
Even though I am outwardly social when I want to be (ask the Dopers that attended the Vegas Dopefest) I am pretty shy inside.
Personally I think that when I took the Dale Carnegie course (the basic one) it really helped me be able to make chit-chat and learn how to engage the other person.
Depending on the circumstances I can, through my Carnegie courses, get people to feel that they are comfortable enough with me that they are open enough to talk more than me.
Now, if you get a few beers in me I can’t stop talking about myself. < giggle >
Well, I tried to talk Drain Bead into a threesome, but she wasnt into it…
Yer pal,
Satan
*TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Six months, four days, 3 hours, 13 minutes and 21 seconds.
7485 cigarettes not smoked, saving $935.67.
Extra time with Drain Bead: 3 weeks, 4 days, 23 hours, 45 minutes.
I slept with a moderator!*
Liquid courage helps. I learned this from a fraternity brother of mine who actually excused himself from a conversation with an attractive young lady with the following line.
“Excuse me. I need at least six or seven more beers before I can successfully scam on you.”
Tigg, didn’t you just go away to school not to long ago? Is that not working out too well for you, or are you just not getting paired off as quickly as you’d like? (Or am I thinking of someone else altogether?) Don’t worry, there’s no shame in being flirtatiously impaired, everybody gets their dance sooner or later…
In real life I’m kinda shy around new people. That is until I get to know them, then I’m not shy at all.
Speaking of faulty flirting chips, I think I have a faulty online-flirting chip. IRL I flirt with at least 2-3 ladies a day. Online it isn’t quite happening (except maybe on a blue moon). Heh, oh well…
hmmm… I think I may have misunderstood the original post. I thought you meant pairing off as in just chatting/friends. If you mean pairing off with a dude, well… I used to love flirting, it was just the best.
“If you give a man a match, you keep him warm for a couple minutes. If you light a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.”
This is the funniest thing ever. Who do I need to attribute this to? I want to put it on my page of favorite quotes…
…still laughing…
bwk: Same guy who has said so many witty things over the years, Mr. Anonymous. I remember seeing that statement a long time ago, and it seemed…appropriate? No, well, funny at least. Sorry I couldn’t be of more assistance… 
I feel ya, tiggeril. I’m terrifically awful at making small talk, and frequently find that my role in a group setting is to stare a bit at nothing in particular, watch the TV with the sound off if I’m in a bar, or watch other people talking. And flirting? What is this “flirting”? We do not have this in my land.
But then again, in a comfortable setting, with interesting people, conversation comes much more easily.
Yes indeed, master of the obvious, that’s me. Keep ya head up, tiggeril. Many of us missed school that day.
I missed that same class, Tigg. In practically every group setting I find myself in, the conversation seems to eventually be happening between everyone but me. I’m naturally shy (nearly incapacitatingly so around someone I’m attracted to), and nervous about acceptance (probably overstress about it, but it’s not something I do on purpose), and I often wonder if that “ill-at-easeness” comes across and subconsciously makes people uncomfortable talking to me. Either that, or I’m just boring as hell. Part of it for me, I think, is that I tend not to have very many common interests, so I’m usually the odd one out in a conversation. If someone mentions football, for example, I’m almost always the only one who has no interest in the conversation and nothing to contribute. Instant isolation amidst the throng.
On a related note, it’s looking like I’m careening towards my first ever Doper get-together. Believe me, while looking forward to getting to meet the legendary Satan (and others), it is not without a great deal of trepidation. Two plus hours in a car with people I barely know and have never met. I have no idea how I’m going to manage…probably sleep.
Um…Lux, shouldn’t that be “I feel for ya, Tiggeril”? Or is she doing better than she thought at this interaction thing? 
I was always just outside the circle of fun and conversation. With my few friends, I was witty and fun and entertaining, but if strangers or a guy I was drooling over happened to be present, well, total brain freeze.
Oddly enough, chatting on-line has helped me overcome some of that. I learned how to make small talk in a comfy, non-threatening environment. The “secret” is one I’ve heard repeated over the years: get people talking about themselves and their interests and they’ll think you’re the best conversationalist they’ve met.
Try having a few unique questions ready - not weird or off-beat, but something that can get people talking. Personally, I avoid discussing anything work-related, as well as politics and religion and sports and the weather. Asking about hobbies always seems to be a good start - most people have several interests and often I find a match with something I’ve done or wanted to do.
The other thing to plan is a good escape line, just in case you find yourself stuck with a boor or other life-sucking organism. Who will argue with you over “Excuse me - I need to find the bathroom”…
It takes practice, but it can be done. Relax, be yourself, and recognize that the majority of folks in the world have gone through the same social anxieties. If I can do it, anyone can.
I’m shy as hell IRL with people I don’t know too. In fact it often seems that I don’t make friends, they get me. Online I find it much easier though.
It’s not that I’m really shy. More like most people I know bore the hell out of me. I spent years picking up my kids after school and listening to the most inane conversations between other women. I don’t think one of them ever picked up a newspaper. Plus they were very cliquey which use to make me laugh — birds of a feather. How comforting it must be that they are able to find one another.
Don’t worry too much about not being able to jump into the social circle. If someone is interested in getting to know you, they’ll take the time and make the effort. If not ___ phfffft! Look like you’re having a good time all by yourself and the others will start to wonder what they’re missing.
It sounds very simple, but a huge part of it is body language. Do you stand there with your arms crossed looking at your feet and not smiling? If so, then you are not presenting a very approachable appearance. Smile a lot. Make eye contact with people. Make small comments in conversation to start with (“I agree”, “that is so true”, etc.). I know that if people don’t look like they want to be approached, I will more often than not leave them alone.
Next thing we’ll see is a bar with a lot of terminals, so people can sit and electronically chat for a while before they have to get the courage up to talk face-to-face. Go in, sit down, join the conversation, then say, “I’m the guy in the blue shirt and jeans, which are you?” She says she’s wearing the red sweater, then you physically walk over and talk…get the shy cybers in…
Dijon Warlock:
Two hours? You underestimate me. I can make it from Davenport to Des Moines in 2:20. The drive will not be as long as you suppose, my new friend.
[/hijack]
As to the OP, I never have trouble meeting people…I evidently have a “comfortable” presence, so nobody’s ever afraid of approaching me. And I can’t stand being the only person in a group setting who isn’t talking, so I try to shake hands with as many people as necessary. My trouble is with this dratted Curse of the Sweet. Y’know how pretty much every girl is annoyed because the guys they meet only seem interested in sex? It’s the exact opposite over here. Everyone I meet likes me for my mind/soul/kindness/whatever, but nobody wants to nail me. How sad is that?
