How the hell do people pair off so quickly?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I don’t know how old you are, but I have found that as i get older, seem to get better at the small-talk thing.

There are certain uh, techniques that you can pick up.

It sounds untrue, but this is something you practice and become better at. One of the keys is learning how to show you are interested (or at the very least, pretend to look interested).

The other is not being afraid to show some feeling and that you care about people.

There are others, but you have to pick it up as you go along.

When I was a kid my dad was very shy around strangers and my mom’s family and casual conversation.
As I grew up, I noticed that he seemed to come out more and more.
so it can even be picked up at a later age.

22

Does this sound familiar folks? You are in some group setting, say with people roughly your socio/economic/educational level, and just about everyone else seems to be chatting it up amiably. You feel as though you are continually trying to “break into” conversations, instead of being “welcomed” into them. And tho you try the bit about asking people about themselves, after a while it starts to piss you off when they do not reciprocate.
I HATE THAT! You feel like you are working so damn hard, while everyone else seems to be so effortlessly having a fine time.
One thing Ms. D suggested to me was, instead of trying to break into ongoing conversations, look for the other “outcasts” and try to strike something up with them. I have successfully managed to avoid situations where I have had to try it recently, but at least might be something to try.

23

:o :0 :0

Wow… I never expected such a response… and I meant pairing off as in platonic buddies only.

OK… here we go. This will be a bit disjointed, so bear with me (and if I don’t reply to you, don’t kill me, please):

THespos: Liquid encouragement? Never again :D… well, for the next three years, anyway.

Dinsdale: YES! YES!

ChrisCTP: Davenport? I’m homesick now…

Waitaminute… I’ve been here three weeks… haven’t been home yet… hate the food… maybe I’m homesick. ::lightbulb flashes on::

xizor: I asked a back-home friend about my body language… “expectant puppy” was the response I received. As for smiling, nodding, and agreeing… that describes my entire IRL life.

Scottimom: Don’t freak out… I’m ok. :smiley:

Cumber: I find it easier to make friends online too… but I can’t stay online all the time.

I think part of the problem is that I came from an EXTREMELY close-knit group of friends back home. Of course, I felt comfortable around them. I just can’t remember how I managed to put this group of friends together, or else I would try the same formula. The other thing is that by the second day of orientation, cliques had formed. I was amazed at the speed of it. Cliques were non-existent among the kids my age at my high school.

I wonder if one can get confidence in a pill form?

24

Still only available in liquid.
Tequilla - Confidence in a bottle!

25

I definitely was out sick the day they taught “How to fit in at a social gathering” at school.

All throughout high school and college, my experiences mirrored those of others in this post. When I didn’t know anyone, I was always trying to “break into the conversation,” usually unsuccessfully. Unless I was with friends I knew fairly well, I was the quiet one listening, trying to think of something meaningful to add to the conversation, never coming up with anything, and winding up sitting down at the table in the corner by myself, sucking on a Coke.

One particular incident always comes to mind. About a month before I graduated from college, a bunch of us guys went to a semi-formal dance, sort of a graduation party type of thing I suppose. We all went stag, and my other friends soon hooked up with other people they knew there. I resolved I’d just bite the bullet and ask one of the single girls there to dance or something. After downing a drink (hey, anything that would help), I got up, started looking around, and, after about 15 minutes, gave up. Didn’t have the guts to walk up to anyone.

It actually wasn’t until about a year ago that things began to improve. Interestly enough, I attibute my recently-discovered ability to blend-in (to some small degree) in social settings to my job. I currently work as a computer tech and I’m called upon to go out to client sites and fix their systems, which frequently involvs explaining the situation to customers and ensuring that they feel confident that I’ve resolved their issue. I think this, more than anything, has helped me along. I truly believe that interacting with people whom you are not already aquainted is just a skill that can be learned.

But hey, I’m still dateless, and I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I’d just walk up to an interesting woman and ask her out. I still have a relatively small circle of friends. Meeting new people still makes me a tad nervous. But it’s a start, I suppose.

26

Viagara!

27

alcohol

28

If you have nothing to say, your hanging out around the wrong people. Took me years to figure this out. There were certain types of people that I assumed I liked–the type of people that my friends I had had forever liked, the sort of people that I assumed I would like “when I grew up.” I also had a very close nit group of friends in high school, and we are still very close. What I have had to acknowledge (to myself at least) is while I love them, I don’t like thier friends. I mean, they are all good people, and I jsut couldn’t understand why I would go to social situations and have nothing to say. Took forever to figure out I was bored.

With the right group of people you will have plenty to say. But you may have to spend time with the sort of people you have been casually dismissing as “not your type” before you find them. I’d always run with the hip-cool-stoner crowd. It was a shock to discover that I prefered the academics, the nerdier the better. In the process, I spent time with bible-thumpers, jocks, stay-at-home mothers, all sorts of people that I didn’t even see when I was mainly looking for people that reminded me of the people I missed so much from high school.

In practical terms–start smoking. Well, maybe don’t start somking, but start getting to class early and staying a bit after and hanging out in front of the building where the smokers congregate. Smokers will talk to anyone–it is the most open social envioment I know, and it will give you a chance to meet all sorts of people in a very low-pressure enviroment. Take a book to read (textbook for the next class is a good choice) and when someone starts haivng a loud conversation near you and they are talking about something you care about, feel free to jump in. Trust me, this behavior is normal and expected in public smoking areas. Another good technique is to mention the book someone else is reading or eaven just has with them. Everyone likes to talk aboutthe books they read, and it is a quick way to find out about a person. Once again, this behavior is much less pushy in a smoking area than anywhere else. I’ve hardly met anyone since I quit smoking.

29

Scottimom checking in-

Sweetheart, whenever I am in a social situation that feels uncomfortable for me, for whatever reason, I just sort of stand around and smile. Stand near a group of people who are conversing, and act like you are interacting with them, and just smile.

This actually works quite well, believe it or not. Sooner or later, someone will say something you can respond to, and if they don’t, at least you look like you are with them. I swear, I have met some really good friends this way. You are intelligent and beautiful, and you will do well if you just sort of let the moment come. It will come, hon. And if it doesn’t, it is because you have no interests in common with the people who are there. So, why would you want to fit in with them, anyway?

Besides, you always have the good old SDMB, and many of us here (me, for instance,) love you dearly. If you feel “weird” at a social gathering, just keep telling yourself that you have people who love you. You don’t NEED these other people, you have us. And, we are a better judge of character, anyway!

Scottimom

30

I too have no idea how to just approach someone and not sound like a complete idiot. But I just wanted to respond and say that lurkernomore’s idea about the chat cafe is the best (and practical!) idea I’ve heard in a long time.

Someone needs to do this.

31

FairyMom beat me to the punch. Really, what I’ve learned is to be interested in other people FIRST - talk about them, their interests, etc. Don’t worry about yourself and stuff - you’ll get your time. Most people find it very easy to answer questions about themselves.

Hope this helps.

32

Well, here comes another weekend… when I got here, I was dubbed a “lounge-rat” since I was down there all the time… I think it’s time for me to resurrect that status. (read: get my ass off the computer and out of my room). I guess I can’t really talk to people if I’m not where they are.

33

Hope you have a good weekend, tig. That asking questions thing is a good one to try. Once I started news writing, I found I could talk to anybody because I was always going up to strangers and asking them about a million questions that, quite frankly, usually weren’t any of my business. So I can get a conversation going.

I got used to it. That’s why it puzzles me about the place I am now. Oh well, there is always the computer pats monitor and my cats and fish…
bwk

“We all have photographic memories, it’s just that some of us don’t have any film. The older I get, the less this seems like a joke.” – Cecil Adams, ‘The Straight Dope’

34

If your problem is “it’s that constant fear of rejection” then you may just be too self conscious.

You have to take a party not as a test of whether you can make a new friend, but more like passing the time on a two hour airplane ride. If you know you won’t ever see a person again, you are suddenly free, and tell them anything and talk about whatever they want to. You have nothing to prove and don’t have to worry if you exaggerate or contradict yourself, or spill peanuts all over both of you. You know in two hours you will walk away and never care what happened.

Take a party like that and you will meet lots of people. The only difference is that you have a chance to meet again if you want. :slight_smile:

35

User 10K… I think that is my problem, actually… I guess I just have to stop thinking so much and actually get my arse out there and DO something.

36

Wheels get locked in place,
I get a stupid look on my face,
And when it comes to makin’ a pass, pretty mama,
I just can’t win a race.
*

  • Prince, Delirious
37

It’s dopey, it’s eight hundred years old, everybody Dale mentions in the books is so long dead that only Eve remembers who they are, and it works.

Half price for students, too. If you plan to have any contact with other people on a professional basis it would be to your advantage to take it. Even if you think you’re a geek who thinks she’ll sit in front of a computer the rest or her life, take it. There is a place for geeks who can speak; who don’t get all tongue-tied talking to people. It’s called “management.”

38

BTW, “How the hell do people pair off so quickly?”

They often aren’t very picky.

39

Well, I hate to say it, but I don’t usually have a problem. I’m an extrovert, and fairly confident. I’ve come to the conclusion that my confidence draws people to me.

I do know how you feel, though. When I was a kid, I was so shy I couldn’t even order in a restaurant. I definitely thought that I missed a class in something. Everyone else seemed to have the social rules down pat, and I had no clue how to talk to people. After many years of careful observation (it’s not like I had a lot of friends, so I had some time on my hands), I figured out that the attitude of a person seemed to draw or repel people. Confident, easy going people never had problems. So my second year of camp, I decided to pretend I was someone else (not my name, just my attitude, as in “What would (blank) do?”) to see what would happen. I was really popular. So popular, in fact, that people argued over who got to sit next to me at meal times.

And that eventually led to the extroverted arrogant person I am today. Everytime I get an attack of shyness, I just to the same thing I did then. Pretend I’m someone else. Usually the shyness comes when I’m dealing with other parents from the school. Super-moms make me edgy.

40

Well, Tig, I’m a bit of a social butterfly, and I did just finish my first year of college, so maybe I can help. Like Iola said, confidence is key. Sometimes you have to swallow your fears and walk up to someone and start talking. Once upon a time, I was NOT confident, so I noticed the things that worked with my small group of friends - they thought I was funny and loved my sarcasm - and cultivated those things. Instead of clamming up around people I don’t know, I just embrace that side of my personality and let loose. Sometimes people like it, sometimes I feel unwelcome. Whatever - I just walk away.

Usually, complimenting someone is a great way to start a conversation. But people can tell when it is not genuine. I made so many friends at school that way. Smile and say, “I love your bracelet, where’d ya get it?” Two hours later, you’re best friends.

Also, whenever I spotted a guy who was too hot to be real, I walked up and said, “Hey, Mike right? You were in my orientation?” I’d get a blank stare, then they’d say, “No, I’m John.” - “Hey, maybe I know you from my dorm. WHat hall are you in?” And it would go from there. I was friends with a lot of cutie frat boys because of that.

Another good thing to do is, when you find yourself on the outskirts, look around for the others just like you. This happened in my Driver’s Ed class (yup, at 19, I am the oldest person there!) I was standing alone, smoking a cigarette, feeling lonesome. I spotted another girl standing by herself, starting talking, and now I have some awesome (albeit young) friends.

Personally, I am also known for putting myself out there to be the butt of a joke. Like the other day, I was at work and sitting with my butt on the edge of a bin of pillows. Well of course I lost my balance and fell in. Instead of wigging out, which was my first instinct, I played it off. Next thing you know, some random guy was beating me with cushions, customers were laughing, Meghan (my co-worker) and I were having a pillow fight, and children were asking to play too. It was somewhat embarasassing, but everyone laughed and I didn’t mind. I mean, I fell in.

One more thing - if you are really out of your element, don’t stress about it. I was at a party recently where I knew two people, everyone was drinking but I was refraining that night, and people were acting like total idiots. So I left. No big deal. You don’t have to be friends with everyone.

Good luck sweetie. Oh, at school, joining clubs helps very much too. :slight_smile: