I was going to list the title as “how can I be less socially retarded,” but even that was too blunt for me to stomach.
Anyways, as the subject strongly implies, I lack social skills in most situations. I just have a general uneasiness whenever I have to verbally talk or interact with someone, and it can, at times, make me look like a complete idiot.
Interestingly, it seems to tie directly into my confidence level. As a quick example, after I gave a great presentation during one of my classes, I felt I could tackle any social situation…for about 10 minutes. Then that confidence dissipates as quickly as it came and I’m back to my blundering self, which is pretty much how I am every day.
And remember, most people aren’t paying that much attention to you anyway, so your self-consciousness takes care of about 95% of the consciousness devoted to you. In other words, if you say something dumb – no one but you is going to a) notice, b) give a shit, or c) remember an hour later. So relax.
My grandmother’s advice from hosting innumerable cocktail parties was, “Think of everything you could possibly say until you can’t think of another thing. Clear your mind of all of that and then start talking.”
Oddly, she was right. Having exactly nothing to talk about, and then forcing yourself to pick up a conversation with the people about you will 100% enable you to be a perfect, social host. Yes it will be all mindless banter, but in the end, the more people in the room, the lighter any conversation should be. And of course make sure that you don’t stay talking to the same person too long.
Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the people around you. The key to being social isn’t about how you are doing, it’s about how well you connect with other people, and you won’t do that by constantly thinking about how awful/shy/uncoordinated/socially inept you are.
Write down a handful of questions that you can ask anyone, anytime (“What do you do for a living? Where are you from? Have you been here long? etc.”) and keep them on hand. People love to talk about themselves, so let them. Stop trying to force yourself to be ‘social’ and just be social by inviting other people to do the same.
I find reading IMHO and some of the rants in the Pit has helped tremendoulsy–all these threads about human behavior have really opened my eyes to many different ways people see the world–ways that I hadn’t even considered.
Don’t treat it as a performance. Make small talk with cashiers or salespeople, or hell, anybody. Most people don’t want to say the first word or make the first move, and they’re getting to be so disconnected from day-to-day life that it’s often a pleasant surprise to engage in a conversation with a stranger. I say people in the service industry because a lot of the time they’re bored as hell. Although, in a lot of places you don’t get eye contact or friendliness, but I don’t shop in a lot of places. I generally ask the little weird things I’m curious about their work, if there’s time and no line (e.g. I asked the pizza girl what happens when no one comes to pick up a pizza).
When you level up, roll for an increase in your social skills. If need be, transfer points from magic skills into social skills, even if that uses up a whole turn.
Here’s the key to becomming a great conversationalist: Listen to other people and ask them questions about themselves. More than anything, people love to talk about themselves and if you encourage it, you’ll be considered to be a great conversationalist, even if you said hardly anything.
That is essentially what I came into say, its some great advice.
I am very paranoid when it comes to social situations and conversations in particular, but I have learned to channel that into making myself more confident in these situations. I have come to basically treat conversations as chess games in my head. Whenever I get a chance, either a lull or break in the conversation, I begin to cover every path I can think of in my mind. “If I say this she’ll most likely respond with this, to which I will counter with this, but if I say this and she responds with that then I’ll have to go in this direction…” On the conscious level I know that I have a vanishingly small chance of actually predicting the path of the conversation past my next statement but it manages to allay my paranoia and gives me the needed confidence to have no trouble conversing at length.
I’ll also second Lissa’s advice. Almost everyone likes to talk about themselves and if you give them that chance they will see you as a great conversationalist.
On the one hand, there is much truth to this, and I’m surprised by how often it works.
On the other hand, I’m tempted to call bullshit. If you walked up to me and said, “Tell me about yourself,” I would draw a blank. I would probably stammer something like, “What do you want to know?”
How do you get someone (whether a stranger, a friend, a co-worker, or whomever) to talk about themselves? It takes more than just saying, “Okay, now talk about yourself.” How do you know what questions are going to lead to good conversation, and which ones are dead ends, or inappropriate or intrusive? That takes social skills, which is what the OP was asking for in the first place.
And you can’t just sit back and let the other person talk about themselves; you have to talk about yourself too. Conversation is a two-way street. What if you don’t like to talk about your own self? What if you can’t think of anything to say about yourself? What if you don’t have a “self” that’s worth talking about—your life is too boring or depressing to be worth telling other people about, or at least you think it is, and that breeds shame and insecurity that only makes things worse.
So I guess I’d broaden the advice to (1) listen for, and encourage people to talk about, whatever they’re interested in, not necessarily just themselves. (2) Become interested in as much as you can, yourself. (3) Get a life. Yeah, I know: that’s a lot easier if you already have social skills, so it’s kind of a vicious circle. But there are things you can do, no matter how socially retarded you are. Meet people; go places; see, do, and learn about new things.
I agree with Thudlow Boink. The first thing you need to do is actually have something worth talking about. You already should have school and/or a job. Learn a couple sports. Go to the gym. Pick up an instrument. Join various social groups. Whatever. The point is that when you have a lot of different things going on, you have different things you can talk to people about.
Your interests and affiliations also puts you in a context in which other people view you. This is important because we are naturally uncomfortiable around people we know nothing about. In college, we had a term for people that no one knew anything about who just kind of showed up. They were called “randoms”. Now if you see someone you recognize from Bible studies, you can be like “hey, aren’t you in my BS class (no pun intended)? You aren’t some lone weirdo anymore.” It’s called networking.
Also, your life seems boring to you because you live it every day. Other people might find it facinating, or at least different.
Try to find something in common with people you are talking to. You don’t need to agree with them. Sometimes people just like arguing with other people about something they feel strongly about. Remember, you don’t want to offend or belittle their views (like don’t tell the the Red Sox suck even if they do).
Well, of course not. That’s a terrible way to start a conversation.
Think of conversation like a tree with many branches which could possibly lead to something interesting.
“Hey, how’s it going? Great party, huh? How do you know [host’s name]”
“We work together”, or “We met at [club or team sports or any other group.]”
“Oh yeah? How long have you been a part of that?”
Then, continue asking questions about their activities. I’ve never met anyone who you couldn’t get talking about something. The conversation invariably leads to their interests and once you get people talking about their interests, it’s hard to get them to shut up.
There are literally thousands of conversation starters:
–“Hey, do you know what time the video store closes? I need to go pick up a movie for me and the [wife/husband/SO] to watch tonight. Have you seen anything good lately?”
– “That’s a really nice [necklace, watch, sweater, pair of shoes, whatever]. Where’d you get it?” If they say their spouse gave it to them, ask them how they met or how long they’ve been together. If they have kids, there’s your whole conversation for you. People love talking about their kids. Ask about the kids’ activities, their schoolwork and the like. If they say they got the item at a certain store, ask them if the place has good deals and where else they like to shop. If they say it’s a family heirloom, you’ve just hit the jackpot. Start asking them about that family member.
– “You look familiar. Do you work at [big company nearby] or did you attend [local school or college]? No? Where do you work? How did you get into that kind of job? What do you like most about it?”
– “I noticed that our host has a copy of [book title] on their shelf. Have you read it? Who’s your favorite author?”
– If the host has a pet or a picture of one, mention how cute it is and ask them if they have pets. Animal lovers always enjoy yapping about their pets. Ask for advice for your own pet if you have one (say your dog jumps on people or something like that and ask how they fixed that problem.) Keep asking questions about their animal, if it can do any tricks or if ti has funny behavioral quirks.
The point is to ask questions about whatever they say. It’s easier than it sounds.
No, you really don’t have to talk about yourself. You may feel the need to sprinkle in a detail or two like, “Yeah, I had Mrs. Smith as my English teacher when I was in school, too,” but generally, people are more interested in telling their own stories than hearing yours. If they ask you a question, answer it as much as you wish and then steer the conversation back to them by asking them another question about themselves that’s related to the subject.
Stop making me laugh out loud at work! People will know I’m goofing off.
I’m a social retard too so take this with a grain of salt, but I’d say to ask people about things about them that you’re interested in so you don’t tire of the conversation and run out of things to say. For some inexplicable reason, I find people’s jobs and businesses interesting so it’d make sense for me to ask about that.
I just want to say that I am bookmarking this thread. You guys have given alot of great practical advice, especially Lissa. Thank you.
I need to keep repeating this to myself until it becomes hardwired.
I am finally coming to terms with depression after years of denial, and social skills were one of the casualties of that illness. I have finally returned to college, and one of the soft skills I want to learn is how to network, as well as build lasting friendships with a few select classmates.
To have a short conversation with people you see everyday is one of the hardest things for me to do. I used to feel like it each conversation had to be meaningful, but sometimes BS is all you need.
Please keep the replies coming.
Red Barchetta, thank you for starting this thread.
The best advice I could give: take a genuine interest in and liking to other people, and everything else will follow. It always shows through. When other people can tell you’re genuinely interested in them they’ll do half the work for you, and forgive your social missteps much more easily.
I’ve gotta go a completely different direction on this - everyone’s emphasizing words. Keep in mind that something like 90% of interpersonal communication is through body language. Learn to read it, and you’ll have a much better understanding of people. I’ve seen articles on the subject, doubtless there are many books available.
