Are there social skills, basic or sophisticated, that you’ve learned and which have helped you?
Things like maintaining proper hygiene, controlling anger and not interrupting are basic and I never had problems with it. Some years ago, I took the habit of smiling, making eye contact and giving firm handshakes.
I’ve also realized that when listening to someone during a conversation, your default mode should not be to think about how you can make it about you. You should be thinking about how what he’s saying can be further explorer or used as a segway to talk about something else related to the person you’re talking to.
Making small talk can help gauge someone’s personality, background, mood, intelligence and willingness to talk to you while being ostensibly about an innocuous topic. It’s like dipping your toe in the bath to see if you should jump in.
Small talk also serves to warm up a relationship between two people so that you don’t go from having no contact to talking about something serious. Having a middle ground where you talk but about something unimportant makes the switch into serious talk less abrupt.
How about you, what have you learned?
When you’re at a party or social gathering and wish someone would talk to you and make you feel included, almost everyone else is feeling the same way and almost everyone else would welcome you making the first move to talk to them. Most normal people would not rebuff someone who approaches them in a social setting.
Also, don’t let my true sense of humour out until I get to know people better - not everyone gets dry, deadpan humour.
I’ve had to train myself to do this, because it doesn’t come naturally. I’m childless, and am not especially interested in other folks’ kids, but it’s something on the mind of anyone who is a parent.
Respond to suggestions or advice with “thank you” instead of “I know,” even if you do already know what’s being suggested. I only realized a few years ago how belittling “I know” can sound, particularly when someone is trying to be genuinely helpful.
Yes, I’ve read it and have taken a lot of notes on it. I’ve also ready Influence: The psychology of persuasion by Robert Cialdini.
I’ve had problems coming up with questions to dig deeper into other people. I can do it with a few people but not most.
MMM: Ah, “segue” is what I should have said. I was sure that a word that sounds like “segway” would be used to indicate a transition. English is my second language so perhaps you could tell me if there is one aside from “segue”?
There’s a difference between in the pool and peeing into the pool.
Also, I’m an introvert. At a party I very naturally shy away into a corner and go into wallflower mode. In college if friends dragged me out to a party the next day said friends would tell me that a several people had asked them “Why does Joey hate me/us?” Luckily, my friends were good at explaining that I was just quiet around new people etc etc blah blah blah.
Something I’ve learned is that if you clam up in a room full of people you’ll actually stand out a lot more. Whereas if you talk and mingle, even if you’re uncomfortable, you’ll blend in and be noticed much less.
Repeat someone’s name when introduced and also repeat your own. Be a good listener and don’t ever steer the conversation to a story about yourself unless asked.
I don’t actually find it very difficult; you listen to what they say, think about what that could mean, and ask them more questions about what they’ve already said. “So, you’re from Vancouver? Were you there for the Olympics last January? Did you get out to see any of them?” - like that. Are you already doing that, and you’re still stumped?
Your English is very good - “segue” is the right word for what you intended.
Oh, I thought of another one - it costs you absolutely nothing to compliment other people, and it makes them feel good, so why not do it more often?
I second the one about restraining one’s veritably unmatched, though regrettably seldom effective, sense of humour.
What actually helped me quite a lot was learning not to avoid personal topics of conversation, that is topics that people actually care about. For instance, when someone once told me proudly “I didn’t sleep this night because I was travelling home from Spain where I spent the weekend partying with a Spanish friend” I should’ve responded this way “OMG! Really? How the fuck did you get to be friends with someone in Spain anyway? Who is he?” instead I produced the cringeable conversation stopper “Oh … is it fun partying there?” :smack:
… Still can’t believe I said that. That was six months ago.
Back in my partyin’ days I developed the habit of holding my drink in my left hand so I could use my right hand to shake hands and it wouldn’t be soaking wet and clammy from the condensation off the bottle/glass.
I’m really, really bad for only talking about myself in conversations. I’m the one that people use those “ask questions of the other person” skills on. Later on I always think, “Damnit Juicy, there you go only talking about yourself again! WTF!!”
I’ve learned that “social skills” typically means that you fall within acceptible bounds of whatever criteria that group uses to determine if you are worth interacting with.
The traits that you hate in others tend to be the ones that you fear seeing in yourself.
In practice, this means if someone is driving you up the wall, it’s probably more of a reflection of something you are thinking about yourself than about that person. If you give it some thought, you’l probably figure out what is really going on in your head. You’ll gain some personal insight, and more importantly you’ll probably stop being so annoyed at that person.
It also means that if someone is badmouthing someone else, they are actually telling you something important about themselves. Listen to them, and you’ll learn what makes them tick.
When I enter a party or a large meeting/conference, I always look around for someone who seems ill at ease and start a conversation with them. I am mortally terrified of new people, and it takes most of my strength to do this. Helping other people feel welcome is much easier for me than approaching the problem of making myself at ease. Luckily, it does some good and solves both. Most people who know me are utterly shocked to learn that I am painfully shy.
When someone gives you a compliment, smile and say “Thank You!”. For years I followed my Mother’s teaching of immediately insulting the taste or intelligence of anyone who said something nice to me. It’s also really useful to make a habit of complimenting at least one other person each day.
Make a habit of smiling and saying “hello” when you pass people in the halls at work. Then, when you’re having a bad day, you’ve got half the office trained to smile and say “hello” to you.
Smile. Even wen youa re alone. Become comfortable with this as a default facial expression. At first it may look and feel awkward, even creepy. But if you make yourself do it while you’re driving or cooking dinenr, it will begin to feel and look mroe natural when you aim it at others.
Eat a little something before going to any social event, especially if the event centers on food. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you don’t want to be the starving one pushing to the head of the line at the buffet. Showing up hungry can make you look greedy. Further, you’ll be much more at ease at a cocktail party if you’re not desperately scoping out the hors d’oevre or trying to balance another meatball on that tiny plate. One of the defining characteristics of the “smooth” person is that they are simply not hungry.
Don’t correct people in casual conversation. It’s taken me nearly my entire life to stop automatically jumping in when other folks spout mistaken information. People really, really hate this, and you will get a reputation as a know-it-all jerk. Just grit your teeth and let it go.
When relaying a personal anecdote to someone you’ve had a history of trading stories with, it never hurts to ask beforehand, “Have I told you the story about blankety-blank?” Often times you’ll find out that yes, you have indeed told that story. Don’t expect other people to keep you from re-running because they’ll just sit there and tune you out.
It is okay to express sympathy by sharing your own experiences, but make sure you aren’t drawing superficial comparisons as a way to edge into the conversation. For instance, if someone’s grandmother just died, it is inappropriate to say, “Oh, I know exactly how you’re feeling! My grandmother just broke her hip and I’m totally freaking out about it.” Those two experiences are nothing alike, and you’ll come across as very self-absorbed and unhelpful.
Also, remember what has been said in previous conversations before opening your mouth. If a coworker has shared really bad personal news with you, it is awful form for you to complain about very petty stuff in front of them just a few hours later. Always remember who your audience is and remember most people don’t like to hear complaints, especially if they’re dealing with bigger shit.
Be ready with compliments, but think before you speak. Unless you know someone well, don’t comment on their weight loss or weight gain. They may be losing weight because of diet and exercise…or because they’re on chemo. Someone’s “nice shape” is another person’s “I’m on my deathbed!”
Later on I always think, “Damnit Juicy, there you go only talking about yourself again! WTF!!”