If someone asks how your day is … ask about theirs. If they ask about your work, ask them too. Don’t just answer a question with a dead end.
People who don’t return questions or help the conversation along are the ones I avoid … it makes talking too hard if they can’t at least parrot back questions. It shows they lack an interest in the other person (or even the ability to fake an interest in other people). If you struggle to think of questions … it is pretty easy to come up with some universal unobjectional questions you can ask in any social situation. For work functions I always prime myself up with some ideas before I step into the horror of a cocktail party of people who I have little in common with.
I always try to monitor how much I’m talking … because like most people I can talk forever about myself! I’ll make sure I shut up and ask them something else. I watch for the glazed over eyes … if I’m discussing something of interest to me and they are just nodding and not contributing to the conversation - topic change time!
Active listening is very important, most people have trouble with this. Anything by Daniel Goleman is good, but his book social intelligence was one of the best books I’ve ever read on social skills. A textbook on interpersonal communication would be a good idea too if you need info. They cover things like the stages to a relationship, what causes connection, what breaks connections, forms of relationships, etc.
Don’t ask someone’s teenaged kid what school he goes to, what classes he takes, what his teachers are like, etc., unless you like monosyllabic answers. Kids hate talking about school.
When conversing, it’s normal to ask what somebody does for a living. The answer “I’m a doctor” (or plumber or mechanic or whatever) is not an invitation to present some sort of problem for them to solve. I had a friend who, when someone would do this (he was a maintenance director), would launch into endless stories about Civil War battles, a hobby of his. Served people right.
Funny, I’ve heard the same thing about giving blowjobs!
Just tonight I was in line at a café and there was a guy having a conversation with the cashier. He says:
“You know Jimmy Buffet, the really rich investor guy? He was just saying he thinks they should raise taxes on the rich…”
I really wanted to point out that he was talking about Warren Buffet but I wasn’t even involved in the conversation and I knew that would have been a rude way to butt into it so I held my tongue. It took some effort.
Or the guy I was standing behind talking to the cashier at the petrol station who was ranting on with “I’m not racist but … <insert racist comment>” … soooo tempted to butt in with “yes you are!”
The “not interrupting” thing varies by culture: learning when to stay silent as others talk (which will be viewed by the second group as ‘not paying attention’) and when to make I-hear-you noises (which would be considered interrupting by the first group) was complicated.
I’ve also learned to fake being sociable. I’m not, but many people are surprised to hear that I find socialization tiresome.
Oh, and asking people about the people whose pictures are on their desk, in their wallet, etc. is usually a good opener. You don’t have to call those kids “cute”, just ask whether they’re that person’s.
My biggest issue in a conversation is trying to empathise or relate to something someone’s saying, and ending up making it an “I” and “Me” conversation. Which I hate, I really need to work on that.
My way of dealing with this has evolved for the better, I hope.
Person: Things suck right now. I’m got bad headaches and this horrible ringing in my ears, and I can’t keep any food down. The doctors aren’t helping and I’m about to lose it.
Me: I won’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling because I don’t know what all you’re going through, but I will say I’m going through something similar, at least in regards to the doctors. And it indeed sucks! I’ve found that talking to a professional helps.
Perso: You mean like a counselor? I’ve never considered that.
Me: Yeah, it helps to just let off steam. You can complain all you need to without feeling guilty about it, and they can give you advice and stuff.
Person A: That sounds like a good idea. I’ll have to look into it.
See, the strategy is to 1) Validate their feelings without assuming you know everything about their situation (one of my pet peeves is people who think they know everything), 2) don’t turn the conversation into a long-drawn out thing about your situation. Simply distill your experience into a tidy tidbit of comforting advice and then let the other person have the microphone back so if they choose to, they can ask you questions.
What I still struggle with are complainers who don’t even pretend to want any advice. Instead of saying “That sounds like a good idea”, they’ll come up with an excuse for why your advice won’t work. And it’s always a lame excuse, too. I always feel like, “What is the point of this conversation? I’m not getting anything out of it!” Because the truth is, unless your relationship is an intimate one and you are not mere acquaintances, both partners should be getting something out of a conversation. One person should not always have to be in the position of a listener unless they are getting paid for their services. I’m a good listener, but that doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to play the role of the speaker. Accepting advice from the listener, even if it means being fake about it, is part of being a good speaker.
A bit of interruption might be a good thing, I think. Sometimes people will just keep talking to fill the void while they’re actually waiting for a response, any; I take the primary object of small talk to be responding to each other, not conveying information. Which also goes some way to explain why forums are interesting and chatrooms fun (when lucky).
