How can I go from being socialy inept to being socialy adept?
I suggest an interim step of just being dept.
Seriously, much social awkwardness is due to self-consciousness (too much focus upon one’s own feelings/concern about how one is viewed by others). Try focusing on the people you are with - and stop worrying about what they think of you. If you try to put others at ease by reaching out to them, you may feel more comfortable as well. You will also find social interactions to be much more enjoyable.
What wonderwench said. Unless you are doing blatently stupid things like chewing with your mouth open or belching loudly, you’re probably worrying too much. I feel much more socially adept now that I’m not so self conscious.
Same way you get good at anything – practice.
Next time you’re stuck in line at the supermarket, comment on one of the tabloid headlines to the person in back of you. Either they’ll respond or they won’t. Either way, you won’t die – and you’ll be a smidge more comfortable next time you have to talk to a stranger. Like, say, when you get to the front of the line, and the checker says “how are you today,” try making eye contact and saying something like “enjoying this nice weather” [or “sick of this rain,” or whatever works]. You’ll learn that exchanging pleasantries with people ain’t that big a deal.
It’s the first step.
“Dopers, in three months I could pass off Bippy the Beardless as a duchess at an ambassador’s garden party. I could even get him a place as a lady’s maid or shop assistant, which requires better social skills.”
I second the others… focus on the other person–the words that they are saying, their tone of voice, the way their body is (relaxes, tense, etc)–rather than yourself.
Took me fifteen years of struggle to learn how to do that…
[sub]Ever offered a course, Eve?[/sub]
Here’s a tip I came up with my very own self. Try to remember just one thing that someone says in a conversation with you. Doesn’t matter what it is. Just try to remember one little thing.
Then the next time you see that person, ask them a question about that one thing that you remember. People LOVE being asked questions about their lives. And they will say “Wow, that Bippy is a good listener and an interesting person to talk with. I simply must have them at my next shindig.”
Can you elaborate? How do you feel you are socially inept?
My husband is socially inept in his own special way. He seems to have no internal censor that tells him when it is inappropriate to say something, or that other people might misinterpret what he is saying, or that his comments might be embarrassing.
I think that listening is the key to being “socially adept.”
Which is akin to what wonderwench said.
Even if you have no knowledge about, or initial interest in, the other person you are interacting with…ASK them about things THEY are interested in. If you don’t KNOW what they are interested in, you can ask leading questions. “What do you do for a living?” or “So what do you like to do when you aren’t working?”
Social interaction isn’t all that hard. You just have to understand that sometimes it isn’t necessary to find a “soul mate” when you are interacting. Mostly, it is all about meeting people who you can learn things from that are different from your own way of life or your own understanding. You shouldn’t expect to make lifelong friendships, you just have to be willing to be curious about other people’s situation. And be willing to listen to what they have to say. And sometimes you will find that you will meet someone who shares interests with you…and perhaps they will become friends. But you’ll never meet them if you don’t interact with strangers.
If you stop worrying about what to say and how you appear… and start listening FIRST, I think you’ll do fine. You don’t seem like a guy who has nothing to say, honey. I think if you start listening FIRST? You’ll do fine. You’ll know when to shut your mouth and when to say something. And what to say, and when to censor…for the current occasion.
And if you find yourself in a social situation where no one, and I mean NO ONE…shares ANY kind of connection with you, then just smile a lot, keep it to subjects like the weather… and keep a pleasant look on your face. I am a member of the local “junior league” type of thing, and I am not really “junior league” material. In fact, I finally opted out and just support my chapter with baked goods for bake sales and ticket sales and that sort of thing. But the thing is, while I was actively participating in the “high society” part of this group, I actively practiced the whole “keep a pleasant look on your face and smile a lot” thing. I mean, I had NO interest in dressing to the nines and socializing with a bunch of people who never worked a day in their lives. But, I also wanted them to give to the charity I was supporting.
Full disclosure isn’t necessary in order to be honest.
Listening first helps you to interact sensibly. If you can’t think of anything to say, there is nothing wrong with keeping your mouth shut…with a pleasant look on your face.
Good luck, sweetie.
Well, wow. I certainly wouldn’t call you socially inept.
When I met you I found you quite charming and charismatic.
I’ll echo what others have said, maybe you are just a little too self-conscious of what others might think of you. There’s nothing wrong with that really. It just takes time to relax and get comfortable with yourself and others, and allow them to get comfortable with you.
I read a letter in Penthouse once about just such a conversion. 
beginner rules (pretty much what everyone has said, but I’d phrase some of it a little differently):
-
*Don’t * try to stop worrying about the impression you’re making. You’ve probably noticed you can’t control that. All you have to do is stop worrying about worrying. It’s perfectly OK to be completely self-conscious and pathetically terrified. Nobody really cares if you’re trembling, shaking, stammering, sputtering and just being generally awkward. It’s nothing anyone hasn’t seen before and probably done before. And the good people will be genuinely charmed by awkwardness.
-
Practice practice practice. The more you talk to people the more smoothly things will go. Bumble your way through 20 excruciating conversations a day and things will improve in fits and starts.
-
Realize that if you’re very self-conscious you’re probably more of a dick than you think. The line between self-consciousness and self-centeredness may be so fine as to be imaginary. Best thing for that is just make some reflexive Miss Manners rules for yourself. not “I’m fine.” but “I’m fine, how are you?” etc. Remember people’s names and faces and where they were going to go for vacation and how many kids they have.
That’s all the help I can give because I’m still working on advanced beginner rules.
I guess that makes you the feminine version of 'Enry 'Iggins 
And remember that guy/gal over there, who looks calm and smooth and in control. They’re completely self-conscious and panicy too, lots of people are, and most of the time you really can’t tell unless they tell you.
Also remember, the worst that can happen is never really that bad.
And what everyone else said.
[Personal Gripe]
Although, and I know it was just an example twickster, but talking about the weather really bugs me. It’s so cliched and seems the last scrape of a pathetically empty conversation barrel. I guess it’s from when I was a smoker and smoke break conversation was so often weather related.
Find something different as your inane conversation fodder, please. I guarantee any one who has to engage in polite conversation a great deal will think you for the effort.
[/Personal Gripe]
Do what I do.
Quit socializing and go for the hermit thing.
I’ve almost compleated my first stack of newspapaers.
Alcohol.
Thanks all.
A “friend” had discribed me in a blog as “Mr Socially Inept” amongst other things, so I thought I would get some feedback on what I might do to improve myself. I will keep trying the things you have suggested.
Practice a lot, but pay attention to what the other person/people’s reactions are to what you say.
If they talk about computers at the office, and you start talking about n-tier application architectures, it’s worth paying attention and noticing that 9/10 people’s eyes will glaze over shortly into it. If that’s the case, back out of the technical junk and keep it at the funny stories level.
Paying attention is a big part of it, and another big part is just not giving a shit- like others have said, don’t worry about it so much. Worrying is awkward, and it makes the other people uncomfortable too.
Know when to stop talking. IMHO, the biggest sin of the socially inept is to go on and on and on about something. Know when to let a topic go.
I think what’s been said is good.
Small talk with strangers is perfect because it builds confidence and you don’t actually have to worry about losing face when you know you’ll never see the person again.