I have no social skills. I never learned them.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have never had any real friends. Throughout high school, I had almost no social life. In college, I made one friend. Right now, I have one close friend. (And him I might loose - our lives are going in totally different directions. More too, which I’ll detail below.) (I know one other person online, but that’s something different.) A few people I know through Church. Other than relatives, my social life has been nil.

My sister often tells me, “You know, you make yourself too available to your friends. You need to be less willing, and make them appreciate you more, otherwise they’ll use you and they won’t appreciate you.” It was only recently that I realized that, to a significant degree, she’s right.

My pattern with friends is predictable: I will make myself more available than they make themselves available; if we go out, I will pay for myself and for my friend; I am always complimenting them (within limits); I pay attention to their lives and burdens while they rarely care about mine; I always go to them, they never come to me; I always initiate contact and plans, they rarely (if ever) come to me and ask to do something; I place myself at their disposal without they doing anything for me. (Case in point: a friend was moving, and was totally stupid about renting a truck. It was during the time when everyone was moving, so I ran around and found a truck, rented it, let him use it, drove it back, and paid the bill, with no compensation - I did not ask for compensation, nor did he offer to compensate.)

From this, I have learned that I do not know how to be a friend or how to interact with one. This also means that after a while, I get quite tired and frustrated that my friends are not showing enough initiative or interest, when I also know that this is because they feel no need to show interest.

In addition, I don’t know how to interact with people in a social setting. The word “party” makes me nervous and scared. I have no idea how to behave in a party, how to make small talk, how to keep a conversation balanced between the two of us (if I do engage in a conversation, it usually consists of me asking questions and the other person asnwering - no equality or mutuality). My mother has often told me that I need to be able to make small talk, or else I will never be able to be socially efficient. Perhaps I’m too weird, unique, or off-the-wall to engage in something like small talk. (Which is another problem all together - I sing to a different strummer, let alone march to a different drummer. I have been cautioned a few times by a professor and by my father that I need to tone down my “quirkiness” a bit.)

All this ignorance of social skills thanks to the fact that until college I never had any real friends, so I have been unable to develop and learn socially. (Of course, the older I grow and the more I come to comprehend myself and my quirks - of which there are many - the more I seem to believe that perhaps being alone, without friends or loved ones, might be what will keep me happy in the long run.)

WRS/Thû - totally mundane, totally stuff.

2

For you, maybe you want to try a Doperfest first?
Might be easier talking to people you are used to talking to, yet, be meeting them in person, so its still scary.

Thats the best I could think of. :slight_smile:

3

I don’t think you’re that unusual, even for a man. (I take it you’re a man). My father once told me that I wanted to be different, but then I know people who have only known me for a few weeks who know me better than my father ever did. The doperfest idea is a good one, as this board tends to attract a lot of people who “sing to a different strummer”. Fewer friendships, but more rewarding ones, may be part of the price to pay. And considering how many friendships dissolve when put to the test, it might be, as you suggest, a road less travelled but more satisfying for you in the long term.

4

I was the same way. In living on my own, I became a waitress. I had to be at least decent at it in order to make any money. I basically forced myself to learn social skills. I am no where near the talker that most of my friends are, but I have made a lot of friends I would never have been able to make before. Plus, I made a good deal of friends through my work place. :smiley:

My suggestions, pick up hobbies and attend the meetings. If you have something to start talking about, it is easier to engage in small talk. Your local newspaper should have a ‘groups’ section where you can find out the meeting times of different local clubs.

5

WeRSauron, I used to be shy. [can you belive it? :smiley: ]

I found that humor is a big help on getting friends. Laughing at myself made it easier to go to parties. Very important is lauging at other people’s jokes. Even when they’re not funny. :wink:
Also: Be spontanious. If you think someone has nice shoes/legs/hair/etc., say so. Doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of a sentence, or what gender the person is.

You said you are a good listener. That’s great. I find it perplexing you haven’t got more friends. I seem to have a ‘listener face’. Every darn person is talking to me. Strangers tell me their life-stories. When waiting for the bus, I can see the inevitable ‘talker’ coming and I’m ready for another thrilling tale.
I don’t mind. I do mind when that person sits next to me, talks my ears off and follows me when I get off the bus.
Fact is: Ever since I discovered the power of humor, [somewhere in my teens] I have too many friends. That’s not good either. I have too little time for all these great guys and I’m very sorry about that.

So, be sure of what you wish. :slight_smile:

btw: I think you’d be a great friend.

6

Well let me be the first to say to you - before you self-diagnose yourself with Aspergers Syndrome or some other form of Autism, along with every other seemingly social inept person on the planet, please go and find a reputable experienced diagnostician to say yay or nay.

The overprolifieration of self diagnosed “aspies” hijacking the label is causing all sorts of problems with the accepted validity of the disorder, and kids who genuinely have Aspergers syndrome, like my son, are facing an up hill battle wrt to funding in schools etc., here in Australia, at any rate.

Just my thoughts on the matter of course, and I may be way off the mark - but my experience of late has been - claims of social ineptness = self diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.

7

First off, it isn’t a crime for not having any friends or being socially shy.
Whom it bothers is the shy person.

They want to belong.

They want to be involved.

They want social interaction and fear ridicule. The problem is they usually wait for the invitation from whomever.

It is not going to be issued by someone else. Trust your Aunt Shirley on this.

Friends who do this kind of thing are not friends they are users. While your ‘friend’ may thank you / help you down the road in a way it was not anticipated, I would not hold my breath.

Between Sex and the City having four complete opposite women being best friends ( as if) and the Soprano’s who All Help Each Other Out In Whack Jobs we are being led down some kind of primrose covered path to let us thing that all friendships are deep, lifelong and 100% give and take.

Bullshit.

Somehow, because of all the technology that isolates us no really and the demands on our jobs and lives, we have less and less time for ourselves, let alone with friends. Society is becoming more and more selfish, whiney and petulant. Why? Because we are pulled in so many different directions with work, family, obligations and whatnot. I am very busy with whatnot.

We are too busy for ourselves, let alone someone else.

I (and it sounds like you were too) was raised in a world where you helped out friends and family. Lent a hand and all that wonderful warm fuzzy community spirit. Help each other out yada yada yada. I think it is dead or mostly dead.

The way I look at it is that there are two conclusions:

a) Become totally depressed that you are shit-on by someone who doesn’t have the common courtesy to ask how you are and get involved with your life as you are with theirs.

b) Enjoy their company for what it offers you and what you get out of it and * don’t get attached to the outcome*. Basically, lower your expectations and you might be surprised.
Just be true to yourself and everything else will work itself out.

8

Maybe your friends are just jerks?

Hmmm, when I go to parties, sometimes I actually bother to talk to people, but mostly I just act like the whole thing bores me because I’m the coolest guy in the world. Don’t laugh; this shtick has resulted in my getting some action. And isn’t that the point of parties anyway?

9

To elaborate, I guess the point is that good conversation (not “small talk,” as I think conversation should always be about intriguing topics) is a useful skill, but silence, if not golden, can at least make for a good smokescreen to disguise one’s shyness and/or boring personality. (I refer to my traits here, not yours.)

10

It’s OK to initiate the first one or two activities with a new friend. Then, upon parting, ask your friend to give you a call if they want to do something. If they never call, don’t waste your time. A person who is truly interested will reciprocate an outing.

Try joining a book club. There is always the book to discuss, and maybe you can ask someone to coffee afterward. It’s a no-lose scenario, because at least you’re reading and discussing something you’re interested in.

11

WeRSauron… Man, your story reminded me so much of myself a few years ago. Never had many friends, those I did have were on the geeky side, all of us with our own quirks. Because of this, I never did the party thing much, so I never learned social skills either.

When I met the future Mrs Striker, I realized that my “game” had a little room to improve. She is very tight with her extended family, and they are constantly getting together, so it was either learn how to (gasp!) interact with other humans outside of my social circle, or lose the future Mrs. S. I figured I might as well get the hell over it, and learn to deal. This didn’t mean I had to lose my quirkiness,or even talk to people more, but it did mean that I had to just hang around with people who annoy me in every way possible and maintain a pleasant demeanor. Relax and try to enjoy it, even if that smile on your face is from the jokes you are making about other people in your head.

As far as your quirkiness… to hell with everybody else, you are who you are. Do the things you enjoy doing, and chances are you are going to meet new people who enjoy the same things. If someone wants to be with you, they can deal with your quirks.

12

I, at the initial offer from my employer, am finishing a 12 week Dale Carnegie class (and no, this is not a sales pitch!). While I went into the class wondering what the heck I would learn, it has enabled me to become a great deal more comfortable in social settings. Part of what the class does is teach you how to do the “small talk” which is so frequently in need, which in turn, makes everything (and everyone) more comfortable–including you. During the class, I’ve seen people who literally trembled at the thought of speaking to someone they didn’t know, but by the end of the class term, they are much more “out of their shell”–it’s like they are different people from when the class began.

We also learned leadership skills, which are useful not only in a professional setting, but also translate into the personal setting. No, that doesn’t mean that you learn to boss around your co-workers and family, but it does teach you how to effectively communicate and be perceived as someone who can communicate. In short, it helps you be more appealing to others in a variety of settings.

Before I began the classes, I was perfectly content to go to a party and simply sit in a chair all evening, and never talk to a single person. Actually, the thought of going to a party where I didn’t know anyone terrified me–but if I “had” to go (like for work), then I wanted to hang on the fringe and not talk to anyone. This past week, I’ve gone to two very big parties (100+ people at each), and I think I managed to (blindly) introduce myself to at least half of the people there and strike up brief conversations with almost all those whom I met. That would never have happened 12 weeks ago. Was it somewhat scary? Yep, but I had learned the skills to know I could do it–and I did.

13

And not to make fun of the OP, but…

There is something inherently comical about the thread title and your username. I kind of picture a dark lord of Middle Earth who might have been nice, but never really learned to socialize. Maybe if he had been in daycare at a younger age instead of isolated? Fast forward to current days and I see Sauron at an Arthur Murray Dance studio or taking classes at the local JC.

[/End of Tangent]

14

I was going to suggest “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It’s been a very long time since I read that, but found it very helpful myself.

15

What worked for me is to put myself in situations where I had to socialize. This way I wouldn’t habitually chicken out. Once I started getting used to interacting with people, it became less and less difficult.

With conversations, you just need to learn how to ‘balance’ the amount of talk coming from one person. So if you are only asking questions to someone else, maybe mention something about yourself based on their answer or something. If you feel like replying, reply! That is what conversation is about. It sounds like you really don’t want to dominate conversations, so you ask questions and let the other person do all the talking. This can have its downsides, because the other person doesn’t know anything about you. And often people are too shy to ask questions, so something you might ask to them is something they might NEVER ask you.

You’ll have to fall flat on your face a few times. You’ll have to learn to be tactful in situations, and to read the intentions of other people. If you don’t think you can do it, you’ll never be able to change. I really think that right now your problem is less about your social skills, but more your confidence in them. Start building up some confidence about it. You’ll still make mistakes here and there…I mean some people are impossible to please, but that’s what makes us all unique. But if you feel confident in your ability to interact with others, you won’t be worrying about ‘what you don’t know’, you’ll just play it by ear, and things will come naturally. I think this is more about breaking old habits than learning new skills, and if you are a little more agressive about smoothing over the rough edges you’ll have more friends in no time :slight_smile:

16

Ok, my two cents as someone who once had very few social skills and still struggles at parties but none-the-less has many freinds…

Don’t try too hard and do things like always pay, etc. It’s obvious to the other people and, it’s wrong, but if someone’s trying too hard, you gotta figure there’s a reason they’re desperate. A lot of people will push a little to see what limits are and if you let them, they’ll walk all over you. Don’t let them. It won’t make them like you, in fact, they’ll like you less for it…

Start unobtrusively eaves-dropping on other people’s conversations to learn interaction skills. I started doing this in high school when I realized I sucked at small talk. I used to think that everything I said had to be innovative and witty. But I realized the vast majority of people’s conversations aren’t particularly witty, they’re banal and cliched. And that’s OK, it makes it easier to slide in.

When I talk to a person, they’ll relate one anecdote or experience, I’ll empathize and then try to offer an interesting experience of my own that’s related. For a long time, that’s how all my conversations went until I realized my conversation “rules” were too rigid. Now I try really hard to judge what’s appropriate which isn’t all that easy for me, it’s difficult to read people. I have to conciously work at it.

Anyway, maybe some of this will help, maybe not…

17

This will come as a surprise to those who’ve met me, I’m sure, but for years I was extremely shy, and an absolute doormat to boot. I worked my way out of it by pretending I was a friendly, social person. Seriously! I really had to work at it. I’m still a geeky shy girl at heart, but nowadays you’d never know it if you met me at a party.

Ditto what others have said about friends who don’t reciprocate. You don’t need people who treat you like trash.

18

WeRSauron, I’ve faced much the same problem as you do, and though my social skills have improved immensely, I’m still struggling with them everyday.

Do you truly want to make friends? No, really?

That may seem like a stupid question, but although I went through years of loneliness and social awkwardness, the truth was that I was so bitter and defensive that it made actually forming friendships impossible. I needed to work on myself, how I saw the world and especially how I perceived myself, before I could even begin to interact with other human beings on a healthy level.

I’m not saying that’s how it is with you, but if you see yourself as this strange, unlovable doormat, well, then you’ll attract people who’ll treat you like that. Just remember no one can treat you in any way you do not allow. You must love yourself and be comfortable with who *you * are before you can allow anyone else to be.

Without school, I would never have been forced to learn social skills. During high school I tried to improve my self-esteem and just talk to people and actually had a very good high school experience. In college I discovered an entirely new level of humanity, and I still treasure the friends I made during that time.

Americorps was huge for me because I was thrown into an intense situation with people with whom I had no prior history. It wasn’t always easy, but in the end it was worth it. My people skills have developed alongside my growth as a person. This took me YEARS, it didn’t happen overnight, and I’m still learning as I go.

Also, it helped that a little of my teammates’ Yankee ‘screw-it-all’ attitude rubbed off on me. It’s a great help for those situations where you just need to be able to say, “This is me, I’m a good person and a good friend and if you don’t see that, you can go screw yourself.” There will always be people in this life who need that said to them.

19

Yeah… I’m there.

My story sounds a lot like the OP.

But I can’t find a reasonable way out, so I’ve learned to live mostly alone without letting the loneliness get to me too much.

20

I have the same problem…only child, etc. I CAN however amuse myself for a great amount of time/days/weeks by myself. Which I notice a lot of people can’t do: generally those with siblings and high social people.

I have worked on being social although still really not very good at it. I intensely dislike having attention called to me therefore you won’t see me hanging out with the loud ones or the animated ones.

I actually am generally content watching what goes on around me…when my hubby and I attend things, I generally notice more about what’s going on with other people than he does. Which makes for interesting conversation when we get home!

I am attempting to be more social: see "did I really volunteer to host company christmas party? thread…I am better being the hostess than a guest. Of course, I’m polite, always bring a gfit for the host/hostess, etc however I have been known to attend a party of 50 knowing no one but the host/hostess and leave knowing about the same number of people!

But it is a work in progress.