How do you stop being 'Socialy Inept'

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Define socially inept

Unable to pick up on body language or subtle cues from people?
Unable to carry on a conversation after it starts?
Unable to approach people?
Unable to initiate conversations?
Saying the wrong things (wrong meaning something the other person doesn’t want to hear, which varies greatly from person to person)?
Self conscious and afraid of looking stupid?

I guess it depends on how you define it. What worked for me was learning social skills and not seeing people as intimidating. What really worked for me was approaching strange women. In order to approach strange women you need to learn to do all of the things listed above and when you can do them reasonably well with strange women doing them with asexual aquantances you work with or go to class with is alot easier. Its like learning to run a six minute mile at 30,000 feet above sea level (where there is less oxygen) then running at sea level with more oxygen (I didn’t take the SATs but if I had I probably would’ve gotten a perfect in the comparison tests).

That advice is completely worthless though because if someone is afraid or unable to commit minor conversation more involved interactions are going to be even harder. Its like telling someone in a wheelchar who wants to learn how to walk ‘learn to run, then walking will be easy’. Its true, but its not really applicable.

So back to the original part. I would suggest reading books on body language and conversation, how to start them and carry them on. There are tons of books on the subject. I would also learn to see other people as alot more vulnerable than they really are. Most people are insecure too, only 10% of women like their bodies, 50% of people say their jobs are high stress, 80% of people say their marriages are unhappy. At the end of the day we all are under the sway of mercurial emotions that we largely cannot control, and understanding that helps. Knowing that other people are afraid of looking stupid, or being weird helps because you know they are not scary objects but individuals with vulnerabilities, and everyone is like that.

Visualization helps too (also known as guided imagery), pretend you are conversing and learn to see signs and pick up on them. Visualization can be just as effective as real life practice.

People watching also helps too, just watch as people interact and talk. Pick up on how they do it.

Learning that other people are self conscious too helps (harken back to the thing above).

At the end of the day, if you do not practice and if you allow yourself to become too vulnerable over what others think to the point where you don’t attempt you’ll probably always be socially inept. Not much you can do about it then sadly. I really have no good advice for how to feel better if people think you’re stupid honestly. “Stop caring” doesn’t work as advice, I have no idea what you can do. I guess it’ll take some serious work mentally to change that if that is partially why you can’t interact well.

22

To add onto my post, its is partially a matter of outlook.

http://www.renegadezen.com/maybe.html

I am of the opinion that psychological energy is an investment. If you invest your mental energy into thoughts and viewpoints that give you an outlook on life where you are vulnerable then you will be vulnerable. If you devote energy to outlooks where you are less vulnerable (liek seeing other people as just as vulnerable as you for example) you yourself will be less vulnerable and less alone. Its hard to explain on paper what I mean, but your outlook on life and events is to a degree under your control.

that story is just about how your views can be more malleable, they don’t have to be automatic reactions. If you are afraid of looking stupid, you can comfort yourself (a bit, at least) with the idea that someone who is socially perfect has to live a very high stress life where everything can fall apart at the drop of a hat. If you never said anything dumb or controversial then you would live a very high stress life where people would really really objectify you. Its hard to develop a true emotional bond with someone who just parrots whatever you want them (or society wants them) to say at the drop of a hat. Even if you were socially perfect you’d probably be alot more alone than you are now. Haven’t you ever heard stories of men or women on dates saying ‘So and so was great until they told a bad joke, that just ruined it for me’, imagine your whole life living with that kind of superficiality and lack of human companionship.

So even though being socially stupid is bad (it leads to embarassment and isolation), being socially perfect is bad too (it leads to stress and isolation). You have to find a middle ground.

23

Do what I did.
Stop looking on the internet for help with your real-world life. The answers are NOT in cyberspace.

Seriously.

24

Also, apparantly conversation accounts for a very small percentage of first impressions so if you do say something daft, don’t stress over it, odds are, the other person has said something equally thick that you just didn’t pick up on.

25

I agree – but I was just talking about small talk of the “swapping a couple of sentences with someone you’ve nver seen before and will never see again” variety. Fellow smokers who you see regularly – yeah, definitely.

26

Seems to me that there is some good advice in this thread.

27

Seems like there might be some good advice for you in this thread, however in my case there was no help. I’m very socially inept, but I just stopped caring eventually.

A typical conversation between me and a stranger:

Stranger: “So, nice weather we’re having!”
Me: “Bleah. Bwaaah? drool” :smack:
Stranger: “OK, then! Have a nice day! quickly steps away”

This used to bother me, but nowadays I just wipe the drool on my sleeve and remind myself that I’ve probably less than 40 or 50 more years of this before the sweet surender of death. And go about what I was doing.

28

I met my husband of over 19 years in Cyberspace. We were very at ease with each other in person because we had gotten to know each other so well through our words on the computer. We were old friends.

When I was first in school in Nashville, I was so shy that I wouldn’t eat my meals in the student cafeteria or walk through the student center.

Bippy, how old is the friend who described you as socially inept? I ask because that is only one person’s opinion. Different people have different tastes in people they socialize with. Or maybe you’re a late bloomer.

Since I don’t know you personally, I’m going to mention the basic thing teachers always talk about: hygiene. Clean body. Clean nails. Clean teeth. Clean clothes. (As Tom Smothers used to say: “Clean mind, clean body – Take your pick.”)

29

Ding ding ding!!!

Drink until you don’t care. Then worry about how alcohol has become a crutch.

One thing at a time.

30

clean nose.

31

snort!

I keep forgetting that one. We short people don’t have to worry.

32

That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. Anyone who can’t find useful information on the internet is retarded. I can’t count the number of solutions to real world problems I’ve found on the web. The latest and greatest being the two months (so far) of not smoking I owe to a quit smoking thread here which led me to a book that finally helped.

33

FuCENSORED. Now what am I going to do?

Thanks, 'Gabe. :rolleyes:

:frowning:

Stranger

34

Depends on in what way you are socially inept. Are you are rude and inconsiderate, or condescending? Or do you just feel you don’t fit in?

I often find that socially inept people try too hard, and especially are trying too hard to be funny.

I suggest the old maxim: Think twice, then say nothing.

I also find that people like people who make them feel special. Laugh at their jokes, but not too hard or too phony. If they do something nice, make note of it. Say: thanks, I really appreciate your extra effort. Smile often. Pay attention when they talk. Be sincere.

Don’t look for instant gratification. Ease into relationships slowly. Friendship takes work and patience.

Good luck!