What can I do to be nicer to people?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m 21, and ive lost my ability to socialize.

I try to be a nice guy, i do. But somehow I come off as introverted yet intimidating, and ive been told, arrogant as well, even though I am putting forth a very real effort to combat these things. What’s more I get the impression that people think im personally attacking them when I’m merely disagreeing and have no thoughts towards them as a person at all, favorably or otherwise. When i get close to people and get to know them over time i can be very outgoing, funny, and warm but what I’d really like to know is how I can be friendlier and more respectful to strangers and acquaintances. I guess my real problem is that I rely heavily on thoughts rather than feelings and I don’t relate well to people who are predisposed to trust their feelings. Has anyone else dealt with a similar problem? What did you do about it? One last thing, a lot of chit chat involves incredibly banal and pointless topics that get stretched out for what seems like an absurdly long time – how can I stop letting it bother me and just bulls*** like everyone else? I apologize for the whiny, “self-help” nature of this post but friends and family don’t seem able to help. Thank you for any constructive responses.

2

Best thing for me was to start listening. I spent a while shutting up, nodding attentively, and asking questions about what people were talking about. Takes a little practice, but it’s the basic skill that all other social skills are built on. And I found out after a while that most people are actually really interesting. Bonus!

After a time, small talk becomes relatively easy. Read a local paper every day; that’ll give you some common reference points with most people. The listening thing will give you a good background in style of small talk.

Then, I started working on the hard one. Compliments. Our society seems structured so that insulting someone is easy, but giving a genuine compliment is tough. Find something you like about a person, something you respect, something they are (or should be) proud of, and mention it.

3

Good advice from MrVisible–to which I’ll add a bit of my own: Smile.

Not a big, phony smile or a grin, just a little smile that crinkles the corners of your eyes a bit. Tell yourself that you’re happy to see whoever you’re looking at, and the smile will come out. You may even discover that you actually are pleased to see them–I find that expressions often feed back into emotions. I suspect that you’ll be surprised at how often people smile back. I am introverted, a bit intimidating, sometimes (Lady forbid!) arrogant, and I don’t generally make small talk. Even given all of that, a smile still does a lot to smooth the way for me.

4

Very good advice given so far. Smile, keep quiet sometimes so you’re listening to the people around you, and you might pick up a tidbit or two to be used in your next conversation! If you’re just getting to know these people, you might want to take it slowly, and not expect that you will always have scintillating conversations with them! Actually, that goes for any of your acquaintances or friends, really. Small talk seems to involve the weather and work SO many times… branch out a little once you know some more about the people you’re talking to! It may seem like hard work at first (and well it might be), but it’ll be worth it in the end! :slight_smile:

5

Nothing to add really - I’m in the same boat!

I used to be a somewhat social person, really! I could talk with people, I used to have a sense of humour, etc. However, working by myself for four years eroded any interpersonal skills I may have once had, and I’ve truly lost the ability to shmooze with my fellow man. Good luck, cainxinth!

6

I find that a certain type of humilty really helps: remember that everybody is more something than you–maybe not smarter than you, or funnier than you, but likely they are more experienced at something than you, or better traveled than you , or more talented than you. Every person has something that is interesting to find out out about.

Second, you don’t have to like someone in order to enjoy a conversation with them. Talking to someone isn’t condoning their asshoilishness or whatever. It’s not a commitment. so when the perfect strangre at the party starts talking about he problems picking between two brothers, both of whom have fathered one of her kids, you don’t have to try and teach her, or save her, or distance yourself from her: just kick back and listen to the story.

7

Listen and smile are really good ideas. I have to edit myself
a lot, because I tend to blurt out things before thinking them through. Humor, especially self-deprecating, is good. I try to limit my conversation as follows - 10% talking about me, 40% talking about general stuff, and 50% talking about the other person. You can give yourself a silent pat on the back when you feel superior, just don’t let it show. Best of luck to you, asking for advice is a good way to get this started.

8

Being very close to someone with similar issues, who make terrible first impressions and tends to drive people out of the room when he gets interested in a topic (looks around nervously) I might have some good ideas.
a) when you are in a social conversation , remember the primary function of that conversation-- to socialize nicely with others and have a pleasant evening. If it starts to turn into a debate, even if you know you are right, learn to choose your battles. It’s an issue of discourse over content.
b)what mr Visible said. When at a party, think for a second about the conversation circle you are in and make sure that if there are 6 other people in the room that your input is about 1/6th of things said, not half. The other five people do not equal the other half of the discussion. Do not feel the need to be the life of the party or be fascinating or be compeling or right or experienced. Play nicely.
c) When you do wind up in a debate-like discussion, make sure to acknowledge the degree to which the opposing opinion is correct as well (even if you don’t personally think it is). You’d be surprised at how much that negates any growing feelings of insult. Always leave an “out” available, and then see point a. Pretend to be a girl for a bit-- you know how they tend to sort of defend themselves before they say something that might be arguable instead of stating it flatly,and to speak in the subjunctive/conditional with wiggle-room (for the record I am a girl AND this generalization seems to be the case). Ie instead of “Socialised medicine doesn’t work at all, ever!” say, “Well, In my experience sometimes it seems like socialized medicine in many cases might not be the best answer.” See the difference? Version B has lots of places for everyone to go without getting pissy or offended.
Everyone’s a winner, which, in a social situation, is the point. You aren’t at a business meeting or a scholarly debate. Let it go.

9

Start by capitalizing the pronoun “I”. (Sorry, I haven’t had a chance to exercise my pedantry today)

I know it’s been said before, but it deserves reiteration: try to understand others’ points of view on things. Try to see where they’re coming from. Also try to avoid forcing your own opinions on your audience. Regard such disagreements as an evaluation of differing points of view rather than a competition of logic and reason. Such debates tend to drift away from logic and reason and toward personal offense.

WRONG:

Them: Well, I think that this should be done about that…
You: That’s just plain wrong because…

RIGHT:

Them: Well, I think that this should be done about that…
You: I see what you’re getting at, but it seems more logical to me that…

Also, if you do accidentally offend somebody, apologize for it and attempt to explain what you meant and why you didn’t mean it as offense.

10

Use phrases like, “What can I do you help you?”, “What do you need?” Then attempt to do what they ask.

Never SHOUT, except as a sports spectator.

Open doors for anybody who is burdened and has (or looks like they might have) difficulty getting through it.

Never insult people in front of strangers.

Be very careful to pay back all loans, includin lunch money, promptly and with thanks.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Don’t hit anybody.

Try to reconcile with someone you’re currently alienated from.

11

Wow, this is all really valuable and insightful stuff, and exactly what I was hoping to find out. I’ve compiled the pieces of advice that really hit home with me into a list for easy reference, because that’s just the kind of geek I am. Thank you all very much for helping me improve the way I interact with people. I knew the SDMB would give me an honest and straightforward response to a potentially embrassing post.

The First Rule of Small Talk: The primary function of small talk is to socialize nicely with others and have a pleasant evening.6

Smile- Tell yourself that you’re happy to see whoever you’re looking at.2

Go Slow- Don’t expect that you will always have scintillating conversations with the person you’re speaking with.3

Listen- Keep quiet, nod attentively, and ask questions about what people were talking about. 1

Remember- Pick up a tidbit or two to be used in your next conversation.3

Relax- You aren’t at a business meeting or a scholarly debate.6 Don’t preach, debate, or distance yourself; just kick back and listen to the story.4

Don’t Monopolize the Conversation- When speaking with six people the other five do not equal the other half of the discussion. Do not feel the need to be the life of the party or be fascinating or be compelling or right or experienced. Play nicely. 6

Be Humble- Everybody is more something (experienced, talented, traveled, etc.) than you, and every person has something that is interesting to find out about.4 Also, acknowledge the degree to which the opposing opinion is correct as well (even if you don’t personally think it is). For example say things like, I see what you’re getting at, but in my experience…. Or sometimes it seems to me that… 6,7

Compliment- Mention something you like about a person, something you respect, or something they are (or should be) proud of. 1

Be Funny- Especially self-deprecating. 5

Leave an “Out” Available- Don’t say things flatly and directly.6

Be Polite and Respectful- Open doors for anybody who is burdened and has (or looks like they might have) difficulty getting through it. Pay back all loans promptly and with thanks. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Try to reconcile with someone you’re currently alienated from.8

Put Forth a Positive Image- Never insult people in front of strangers.8

1.MrVisible
2.Balance
3.Flamsterette_X
4.Manda JO
5.Beckwall
6.Capybara
7.Palve
8.Yojimboguy

P.S. Capybara thank you especially, the things you said were answers to questions I had been wondering about for a long time.
(just out of curiosity, what made you choose your name?)

12

something I saw on a card recently has helped me to be nicer to people – it was a Chinese saying –

“Be kind – everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

13

One thing I’d like to add, nothing especially new or ground-breaking, is that you should not assume that all questions need truthful answers.

I’m currently going through a rather rough patch in life (due to my own lack of planning and organization) and as such am rather stressed. I find it very hard to avoid answering every casual “How are you?” with a complete run down of all my worries. This tends to stop any conversation before it’s begun.

Remember that others have their problems and probably want to hear something nice for a change.

Oh, and always end a conversation on a happy note. That’s the last memory they’ll have of speaking to you and so it pays to make them think “Oh, I remember cainxinth - I enjoyed talking to him” instead of “what a miserable chat”.

PT