I’ve never been able to define it, understand what it is, or implement it. My entire life I’ve been trying to eavesdrop on other peoples’ conversations in an attempt to understand it and figure out a way to engage in it myself, without much success. Other people have told me that I’m not alone—that they can’t do it either. Is there something “wrong” with people who can’t make small talk? I once read a book by a special education teacher who did her doctoral dissertation on a subtype of speech pathology called elective mutism, and she suggested that it might represent a form of aphasia. Or is it just one of those things that some people can do, and some people can’t, like being proficient at geography or music? I know a lot of intelligent people who simply can’t handle geography. If you show them an unmarked map of the Western Hemisphere, they can identify the obvious land masses like Mexico, the United States, and Canada, but draw a complete blank on the rest. Same thing with music. I know lots of people who have terrible academic skills but are proficient musicians. Then there are people like me who have above-average academic skills but can’t carry a tune or a beat to save their own lives. So would anybody here care to take a stab at defining “small talk” and/or offer an explanation as to why some people are adept at it and others aren’t? I have a feeling that if I just understood what it is, then that would be half the battle. If I had some sort of model as a reference, I have an intuitive feeling that I could learn how to do it or at least imitate it.
It’s chitchat. As an introvert, I find it more comfortable to be with a group of at least three. That way I don’t feel like I have to carry the entire burden of making conversation.
That said, I have found if you can get people talking about themselves, they can go for hours with a sympathetic ear. Ask about their job, their hobbies, their favorite books/sports team/TV shows. You can find common threads and start to have a good conversation.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over in that corner with my Kindle. 
Much conversation has a goal: where do I find X? how do I do this? express sympathy (I’m sorry your dog died). But the vast majority doesn’t, and is called small talk or chitchat.
Small talk is where people who don’t know each other very well pose mundane questions and feign interest in the answers just to avoid having to stare creepily at each other in awkward silence.
This is where introverts depart from extroverts. “Awkward silence” is probably considered an oxymoron where introverts are concerned.
Blissful silence? sure. Golden silence? You bet. Maybe Delightful or even Blessed silence, but awkward? Not on your life.
Small talk is light discussion of non-controversial topics of general interest that anybody can participate in to allow people to acknowledge each other’s presence. Small talk is generally required if you are waiting for something else to happen, like being a guest in someone’s home but they have left the room for a minute, or sitting in a meeting room waiting for the meeting to start. Small talk is not required among strangers in a public place, like in an elevator or on a bus.
Topics always include weather, local sports teams, local traffic problems, and the food (if you are someplace where you are eating), and avoid anything heavy like election-year politics, abortion rights, and the death penalty.
The point is to fill time as blandly as possible. The skill is to find a topic that anybody can talk about, and then to act interested in their answers when you knew what they were going to say anyway.
I think you nailed it. That helps a lot. I think part of my problem is that when I try to do this, I have a nagging feeling that I’m acting in an insincere or dissembling manner. Is there any way around this?
Some people enjoy small talk simply because they like interacting with other people even if the interaction itself is trivial. If you have difficulty with small talk, then that is unlikely to be you.
Another function of small talk is what might be referred to as “dipping your toe before jumping in”. By having light interactions about trivial topics, you can communicate and collect information about each other while minimizing risks.
Have you ever been in a situation where someone looked alright at first glance but talking with them for a short while revealed that they were off in some serious way? If so, isn’t it better to find that out when discussing the weather than politics?
You can find out probabilistic information about people’s mood, personality, intelligence, socioeconomic background and broad interests while engaged in an activity (small talk) that almost can’t go wrong.
Even if you’re already familiar with someone, small talk can serve as a warm up for more substantial communication. Going from no interaction straight to heavier topics may be too much too fast for some. Think of it as foreplay talk.
Have you never shopped at a store? When the retail drone (relax, I am one) asks how you are or how you like the weather or if you have found what you were looking for, that is small talk. As said above, they are pretty innocuous questions and the answers are usually the same and don’t hold any great importance.
I’m an introvert. If I’m in a small talk situation and failing at it, then the silence feels exceedingly awkward indeed. It’s only blissful and golden in situations where conversation isn’t required.
Exactly.
To be unable to engage in small talk when you want or need to is a serious social (and, sometimes, professional) handicap.
There’s a currently active thread about Who are the nicest/rudest celebs you have met? Judging by some of the responses in that thread, a big part of the difference between being perceived as “nice” and being perceived as “rude” is whether or not you engage in small talk with people as opposed to being silent.
Rained all day today. I woke up at five, it was raining. Went out to get the mail at work, and I had to run to the mailbox and back to keep from getting soaked. Just got home and it’s still fucking raining!
Hell, at least it ain’t snowing.
Don’t give it a second thought. When you act interested in what someone is saying, the last thing they’ll think is that you’re insincere or dissembling. More likely, they’ll think you’re insightful and sparkling.
At a party, I’m having a conversation, my friends are engaging in small talk, and those girls over there are babbling on about god knows what.
It’s not small talk if you’re interested in what the other person has to say. I learned to enjoy making conversation when I learned to think of interactions with other people as potentially interesting opportunities to learn things. Ironically, once I got good at that, I developed a bunch of stock conversations that I can have if I really am stuck talking to someone with whom I cannot find a common interest. But learning to enjoy learning about others came first.
Me too. A failed conversation is torture.
The trick is to choose a topic about which you actually at least kind of want to know their answers to. I, for example, hate sports, so I never ask about the Red Sox or the Patriots. It would be pointless to select a topic I dislike simply to have something to talk about.
Do you know the same person? Ask how they met and tell them how you know him/her. Are they wearing a neat piece of jewelry that has caught your eye? Compliment it and ask them where they got it. Is there a song playing (perhaps in a store or waiting room)? Offer an opinion about it. Is there a terrible painting on the wall? Ask their opinion of it, and if they hate it too, share your own unfavorable opinion of it. When there’s nothing interesting to see or hear to spark a conversation, ask them if they’ve watched anything interesting lately.
The breakroom is where I have 99.9% of my “small talk” conversations.
There are glazed donuts sitting on the table. If the other person in the room is partaking in one, I might say something like, “Mmmm. Donuts! And they are the best kind. Yeast.”
(Or if they are cake donuts, I’ll say that those are the best kind.)
If the other person is a donut fan, maybe the two of us will go back and forth about who makes the best donuts in town. If they are geeky like I am, we may then start talking about other kinds of fried dough (elephant ears, fry bread, beignets, funnel cakes, etc.) and discuss the pros and cons of each (funny cakes are good for the first three bites and then you’re done with it). And then someone else might step into the conversation at that point and started talking about the deep fried oreos they had at the fair once. Someone will say “Deep fried oreos sound gross!” And then I’ll be all, “I used to think so too. But I had some once and my whole paradigm shifted.”
High quality small talk doesn’t flatline on a single topic. It jumps around. You start talking about the weather one moment, and then the next you’re talking about the accident that happened on I-95 this morning, and the next you’re talking about aerial drones. You may not have a lot to say for any of these topics, but as long as you can keep the ball in the air long enough for the subject to switch, you’ll be good.
As an introvert, I do tend to get tuckered out fast–especially if I’ve got something else I’d rather do. But I don’t have a problem initiating or playing the game when I’m feeling sociable and when I can find a conversational partner who is funny and as free-form as I am. The moment they start asking personal questions (“What did you do this weekend?”), I start wanting to bail. I can talk about donuts for hours. But I can’t be bothered with the “Howyadoin?” stuff.
Wow, the Holidays are over. Gets crazier and crazier every year, doesn’t it?
Yeah, of course it’s nice to see all the family.
Oh, sure. It’s the one time of year when we all get together!
Too bad we didn’t get any snow this year.
Oh, I love snow at Christmas time. It just seems so… Christmasy.
Yeah, I know. But at least I didn’t have to shovel the old driveway!!!
Don’t you know it! My back isn’t what it used to be.
I use this one often. And I’ve found that people with tattoos are almost always happy when you open with, “Nice ink!” A compliment and a smile are great ways to break the ice.
Another one I use often is, “Hey, can I read your t-shirt?” They’re usually happy to stand still for a moment and move their hair out of the way. They wore the shirt for a reason, after all!
It’s a little like chess: there are quite a few promising openings. It helps if you actually are interested!
I like to start off with something very light. Maybe something like this:
Did you know that most mass murderers appear to be perfectly normal people in public?