I am extremely introverted (but friendly in general; they aren’t mutually exclusive). I don’t like being spoken to directly unless there is an actual goal to the conversation.
Luckily, my office mate is an introvert too (that is why he still allowed to exist). We don’t talk most of the time but, when we do, it is just me firing off questions like this. I also use the Airplane! idea and randomly ask him whether he has ever been in prison in random 3rd world countries along with anything else that pops into my head. It leads to some short but interesting conversations.
I am not going to talk to anyone about the weather because I have a window myself. OTOH, I am always up for someone telling me something bizarre that happened to them or someone they know. Other than that, silence is bliss. I would be driven insane within hours if I ever had to work in another cubicle farm again. I even tell my own family not to speak to me unless they have thought it through and are certain they have something of value to say.
I agree with most of what’s said here, but as always with threads of this kind, there are a few showing up belittling smalltalk and those who engage in it as somehow “beneath” them.
Smalltalk is a basic social skill and tool. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t do it, but nor is it a feather in your cap.
Conversely, someone being relatively good at engaging people in smalltalk doesn’t tell us anything about whether that person could engage on heavy topics. Very few people find smalltalk in itself fascinating, it’s a somewhat awkward thing to do that most of us try to be reasonable at because it has a number of social uses.
It doesn’t have to be feigned. Most people know at least one thing I don’t know. many people know a lot of things I don’t know. Sometimes it’s interesting to find it out, whatever it happens to be.
“Oh my, it is windy today!” (as it has been 99% of days since the Ebro Valley became the Ebro Valley, which was way before it had a name) is small talk.
“You may want to go back for an umbrella, it’s raining cats and dogs and trying to upgrade to dolphins” is actual information.
Dunno, maybe, maybe not. Talking about personal tastes, preferences, views etc is pretty ‘small’, and is one of the areas where you’re almost guaranteed to find differences between people. “You’ve never eaten jam? Tell me about that…”
Exactly - there’s at least an hour of interesting bollocks to be talked around that subject, including:
Jam and Jelly both exist as entities on both sides of the Atlantic (so ‘In America, Jam is called Jelly’ is false)
Jelly and Jell-O - discuss
Preserves, conserves, compotes - are they jam or something else?
(Venn diagrams may be required by now)
Marmalade. Is marmalade actually jam? Is Jam a subset of marmalade?
That legendary/mythical Spanish marmalade made from carrots? Is it jam? Does it even exist?
Membrillo - let’s discuss…
I have a pack in the cupboard at home. I’m going to have some tonight I think.
Now, about carrot jam… there’s a widespread myth that carrots were reclassified as fruits because the EU recognised that they are made into Jam in Spain. is any of that true?
Every once in a while, like in a waiting rooom, you encounter a true alien. There was once a guy in my doctor’s waiting room who was asking complete strangers if they had made their peace with the Lord. Remember the memorable patient in the doctor’s waiting room in Oklahoma, in “Rain Man”, who went on and on at great length telling the history of how the West was won? (Cue ahead to 5:00)
For me, small talk was easier once I started thinking of it as the human equivalent of dogs sniffing each other. After that, I started learning interesting bits and pieces during small talk. So now I enter small talk hopefully.
Agreed. The key here, though, is to avoid getting ensnared into small talk to begin with. Then silence can be bliss. But, you’re right, frequently the extroverts of the world try to take that off the table.
In classic introvert fashion, I can make small talk with the best of them. But cocktail parties and meet-and-greet sessions are exhausting. I need about half a day alone just to recover.
I make a point to note the scores of local high school and college games. Who made the playoffs and won championships.
Read Yelp reviews of local restaurants.
Read the weather forecast. Will it be a nice weekend for golf?
When does deer season begin? Are the fish biting? Which lakes are the best right now?
Make it a point to have something to contribute in a conversation.
Small talk is an important skill at work. You have to be able to hold up your end of a conversation. It can mean the difference in a promotion and career advancement.
I talk much less at home. I like to relax and pursue my hobbies.
Popular movies and books - in which you can actually learn something - like what books you might like.
Small talk keeps both the personal (i.e. your feelings on your ex-husband, your issues with your teenage kid) and the controversial (politics, religion) off the table and steers the conversation to the innocuous. It doesn’t have to be meaningless, good small talk is about things that are interesting to the conversants - for instance, a conversation where everyone has recently seen Rogue One and wants to talk about it is fine small talk - and may lead the participants to discovering they have similar taste or thoughts or a sense of humor that establishes a deeper relationship and an opportunity to talk about religion, politics, their ex-husband.
Yep. And being unable or unwilling to do smalltalk is the mark of a genius.
Good analogy – it’s normally something done to initiate or warm up a conversation. It doesn’t preclude moving on to meatier topics.
And someone who gives a minutes-long response to a basic “Nice weather we’re having this week” also doesn’t “get” smalltalk.
You should probably work up a couple of conversation starters in case you ever have to spend a few minutes with somebody important. Most people would just as soon not have to endure small talk either. So there is usually no reason exerting yourself.
There really isn’t very much less important than being good, or bad for that matter, at small talk. Nothing good ever came of it. Nobody will remember whether you tried or not 15 minutes later. It’s like social chewing gum, something to keep your jaws busy while you’re thinking of other things. Some people like chewing gum, most don’t.
